How can I eliminate this minor thought of 'hope?'

[JTP1994]

Hey everyone. Haven't posted much in the past few days.

 

Been progressing really well - training well, dieting perfectly, hanging out with this girl I'm into...

 

And I'm feeling good about the break up.

 

I've accepted she is with another guy. I've accepted that I'm not even that upset about it all, mostly irritated/annoyed, only with the break up, not in normal life. I'm my typical calm self.

 

I've thought "maybe I'm just numb?" But I'm not. I've come to the conclusion that I'm decently pleased now and realise she was; a) holding me back and b) a pretty nasty, blaming person that couldn't take responsibility.

 

Yes I'm not completely over this break up. I don't like the thought of running into her or seeing her in any way but that's a bridge I'm approaching and getting better with. I walk with my head held high and I do my hair everyday now so I look better in case I happen to walk past her.

 

Anyway, onto the actual question:

 

Why am I still having hope she just emails me? I check my spam messages too many times, I've started keeping count and lowered it from 8 to 5 times. I'm trying to stop myself but it gets hard.

 

Secondly, every time my door knocks I wish it is her just coming to say at least sorry? I won't take her back anyway.

 

Is this my ego? My arrogance? Or is it me just hoping she will want me back? Or maybe it's me hoping she will just do it so that I can hear her say sorry?

 

She was never one for doing spontaneous stuff like showing up and surprising me and I know it wouldn't happen anyway.

 

My final theory is just the addiction to love slowly passing my system and I'm holding on slightly.

 

I just don't understand it.

 

It sounds like I'm overcompensating in this message but I am really not. I feel the way I wrote. Hence why I'm so confused right now.

[JTP1994]

no ok haha minor bump I suppose but I didn't actually ask;

 

What can I do for this?

[kbbcoop77]

Does this current girlfriend that you're into know you're still hung up on your ex?

[justletgo07]

I've done really small things which help some, like setting reminders on my phone that pop up everyday and say things like "It's over."

 

I also read the book "How to Fall Out of Love" a few years ago, and one of the things it talks about is thought stopping - where you get in the habit of stopping yourself every time you begin to think about your ex. In the beginning, it actually helps to say "Stop" outloud, as it helps shift your mind from what you're thinking to what you're saying. I think it helps to think about this in terms of good mental habits. A lot of folks don't realize that thinking about their ex everyday often shifts from being an emotional compulsion to being a habit - you think about them, you miss them, you pine after them MOSTLY because it's what you've been doing for so long and your mind becomes accustomed to doing it. I think it's the same with negative thinking, self-doubt and self-blaming. It's important to recognize these habits and break them.

 

Ultimately, it just takes time. I think part of what it takes is making the conscious decision that you want to stop hurting MORE than you want your ex back, and I think that this can take a while for some people. I personally believe that acceptance and forgiveness are choices, and that they won't come until you dedicate your thinking and effort to them.

 

I'm sorry you're struggling. Things will get better, I promise.

[JTP1994]

Does this current girlfriend that you're into know you're still hung up on your ex?

 

She isn't my girlfriend or anything and I haven't made a move on her just been seeing a lot of each other - and I probably won't make a proper move. For that reason. I know I'm not ready, but that isn't what I asked...

[JTP1994]

I've done really small things which help some, like setting reminders on my phone that pop up everyday and say things like "It's over."

 

I also read the book "How to Fall Out of Love" a few years ago, and one of the things it talks about is thought stopping - where you get in the habit of stopping yourself every time you begin to think about your ex. In the beginning, it actually helps to say "Stop" outloud, as it helps shift your mind from what you're thinking to what you're saying. I think it helps to think about this in terms of good mental habits. A lot of folks don't realize that thinking about their ex everyday often shifts from being an emotional compulsion to being a habit - you think about them, you miss them, you pine after them MOSTLY because it's what you've been doing for so long and your mind becomes accustomed to doing it. I think it's the same with negative thinking, self-doubt and self-blaming. It's important to recognize these habits and break them.

 

Ultimately, it just takes time. I think part of what it takes is making the conscious decision that you want to stop hurting MORE than you want your ex back, and I think that this can take a while for some people. I personally believe that acceptance and forgiveness are choices, and that they won't come until you dedicate your thinking and effort to them.

 

I'm sorry you're struggling. Things will get better, I promise.

 

Hey thanks for the book suggestion I'll check it out.

 

Honestly I'm already wanting to move on more than I want her back. I don't know why I wish she would knock on my door or email me or whatever. That's what is bothering me more.

 

Sure I'm hung up, it's been just about a month since we last spoke at all and it's only now just coming up to 2 months since we broke up.

 

Overall I feel better. But I guess I'm holding on to some degree.

 

Anyway. I'll check that book.

[Cope]

 

Overall I feel better. But I guess I'm holding on to some degree.

 

I am sorry i can't help, but i am in the exact same position. I am near two months since the break up, i want to move on more than i want to get back together, yet i still have that small hope. I feel like i don't want to let go. I dunno, i think it will just go away with time. I am so sad.

 

I hope you feel better soon!

[Itchy]

I feel like you feel as though your ex has done you personal wrongs and you want her to come clean, apologise and by her doing this, it will enable you to get the closure that you may want which will help to accelerate the moving on process.

[JTP1994]

I feel like you feel as though your ex has done you personal wrongs and you want her to come clean, apologise and by her doing this, it will enable you to get the closure that you may want which will help to accelerate the moving on process.

 

Well it's just a mixture of things haha.

 

It just annoyed me because I gave up a lot of who I was in that relationship to help her through her depression/anxiety and then when I was suffering from the same thing a little later on in the relationship she runs. I understand that it's not worth me thinking about that because it shows what kind of person she is and my own stupidity for trying so hard for someone that cheated on me, was emotionally abusive, a horrible drunk etc. And I see all these things, and it makes me grateful.

Maybe you're right, hah.

 

I feel okay again anyway now, just one of those things. Quiet day, not much going on.

[No1]

Theres a lot going on in that brain of yours. You dont want your X back, but you want her to come looking for you. That sounds like you want the last word or to say that you are right. You need to let go the need to get that last jab in there. The need to get the final word. I think you want her to contact you just so you have your say. That sound like Ego to you? Selfishness?

Would getting the final word change the past?

At this point it doesnt matter. Doesnt matter why you broke up or who broke up with who. You are on your own path now and so is she so just let you need go.

[JTP1994]

Theres a lot going on in that brain of yours. You dont want your X back, but you want her to come looking for you. That sounds like you want the last word or to say that you are right. You need to let go the need to get that last jab in there. The need to get the final word. I think you want her to contact you just so you have your say. That sound like Ego to you? Selfishness?

Would getting the final word change the past?

At this point it doesnt matter. Doesnt matter why you broke up or who broke up with who. You are on your own path now and so is she so just let you need go.

 

Indeed indeed.

 

Thank you.

[Coldarmy13]

I don't know that my hope has completely disappeared from an ex from over a year ago. I dated someone since then. Id be very apprehensive even if she did someday, but ive accepted that it just isn't going to happen and we split for a reason. Sounds a bit cliché, but truly accepting why the break up happened and taking it all in so to speak. I only let go of the ex mentally when I, after time, accepted my part in what happened and looking at myself with clear mind and hindsight. In the end, I would've dumped me too and I let go of all ill will and hurt.

 

Id give a bunch of thought about how much of this youre carrying around with you as you see this new girl.