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I [21M] dont know if should stay or leave her [20F]


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Greetings everyone. Its a pretty long story. I'll try not to go into details and will try to make it as short as possible.


So she has been my friend since 6th grade and we have dated for 3 years. It was a serious relationship. We broke up last summer. Things were pretty rough. Anyways we moved to canada for our undergrad but we were in different colleges. We live like 40 kms far from each other. She made some new friends here. She started to hangout with them a lot and eventually started to ignore me like I dont even exist. She would tell me that she is busy but she would be hanging out with them(snapchat). Last summer she had a huge crush on one her of her friend and she did everything to get close to him. She started spending nights at his place and one day he tried to kiss and she backed him off(thats what she told me) but they were friends again after that incident. I didnt know about all of this when she told me i was devastated but i loved her so much so i swallowed this incident and just move on from it. But it didnt work. She told me that she doesn't love me and that we should go on our separate ways. We had some fights but eventually tried to move on and break contact. This january, we weren't talking to each other, she texted me outta nowhere that if i want some work, her place is hiring. I needed some work as I had no classes so i applied there(shouldnt have done that). That time was weird. I got frustrated all the time and pissed off. Same goes for her. When i quit the job (2 months) ago, I told her this ends here and do not try to contact me, i wont try either.


3 weeks earlier, she texted me asking if i still have her old phone(bricked phone, gave it to me to fix it). I said yes and she said if she could have it back and then we decided to meet up. We met and had couple of drinks. Thats when she told me that her friends ed her over some money issues and they are all snitches. She said that they could go to hell and she wouldn't ever talk to them again. She said she was sorry that she did that to me and she has realised her mistake. It was all so sudden, i didnt know how to react. I just went with the flow and we became friends again. She said she would help me with anything i need even financially but she cannot be in a relationship with me. I told her i dont want a relationship. She also said that she would never ever leave me again(she was very sure when she said that and she was sober). So we just became friends again.


Yesterday i was texting her. She told me that not only she is back with her friends but she is also planning a vacation with them. I was furious. I told her that All I have is her word that she wont leave me again but then she does this which means it is possible that she would leave me again. She started to defend her friends and when i asked her is there any possibility that you would do that again. She said she doesnt know what the future holds. WHAT THE ACTUALLY . After fighting for sometime we put the conversation off cuz this type of conversation should be done face to face. I have to decide if i should keep her in my life or move on. She is a good girl. She does some stupid stuff but overall she is a good girl and I still have love for her and if things keep going fine, then we may end up together again which as of right now, i dont want but maybe in future. Anyways I am scared now. I want her in my life but scared that she would leave me again.


Any kind of advice would be helpful. I have been stressing myself out so much. Thank you.

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I'm sorry to say but she sounds flakey. There is a very strong possibility she will never keep her word and leave you again. You will just keep going around in a viscous cycle. It's best you cut her out if your life. This relationship sounds toxic.


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All you can do if you want her in your life is put a thick boundary between you and her drama and flakiness.

I have to decide if i should keep her in my life or move on. She does some stupid stuff but overall she is a good girl and I still have love for her
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She is nothing but a fair weather friend who ignores you until she thinks she has no one else. I suggest you don't allow her back into your life. She doesn't deserve your loyalty because she isn't loyal to you in the least.


Don't answer anymore of her attempts at contact is my advice.

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Been there myself with a similar girl. I know how you feel man, but truth is: she's not worth keeping around. Sorry if it sounds harsh but that's the way it is. One day she says she's realised the mistake she made and that she's changed and all. The other day, even after complaining about her friends and stating that she won't leave you again, she goes back to them and is even planning a trip. Not only she fails in keeping her word and her boundaries but also it looks like she's trying to make you as a therapist and is doing it because she knows you allow her to. Don't be in that position man, get yourself away from her. No contact is the answer here and do this not expecting her to come around. Do this for you

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Thank you everyone for their advice. In fact, I was thinking the same because its emotionally too much for me. So I decided to meet up with her but she said she couldn't meet me this weekend so I just texted her saying that I can't do this so goodbye.

To which she replied "You frustrate me with your words so much. About my friends, I need them, really need them. They know so much about stuff that helps me out. I am being selfish I know. They are my like family." She lives by herself and I live with my uncle so the next text goes "Your uncle helps you out because you live with them, but I only have my friends to help me out with stuff. About you, yes I care about you that is why i try to help you out. When you'll move out, you'll know. I cannot be stuck in one place, I need something to go on. You question my every move! you think i give all my friends all of my time? hell no." Then she went to describe how her friends work 2-3 jobs and then told me they are different and likes going on vacations with them and her dad knows it too.


Her side of the story is fine its just I never told her not to make friends or anything remotely related to that. She literally left me for them. Not her mom or dad knows about me being in the same country as her. On top of that, she dated one of her friends for a month after we broke up. And she is saying that she would help me out financially like I need her charity. I wish she understood that I just want her by my side while I would do whatever. Given what happened in the past, my fear is justified. How do I really know that she is changed? I haven't replied her yet. I want to tell her everything I just wrote above but I don't think texting is a good way to have this conversation.


What do you guys think?

Thank you in advance.

By the way, those are her exact words.

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