OK! Young girl, older guy relationship....

[ukguy1425]

OK, so this is gonna open up a can of worms here but...

 

I am 31 and she is 16.

 

Now, before anyone starts taking the moral highground please hear me out. Then go for it by all means.

 

First of all nothing has yet happened in terms of ANY physical relations...not even a kiss...but yet i find myself at the beginnings of a relationship with this girl, (as does she) however short or long it may be.

 

I have 2 sons and i am responsible and well educated. I am now agonising about this. I have never EVER been someone who takes advantage of poeple. I expect equality and honesty wherever i go. I don't rate sex as a major thing like some people do either. Showing love and respect for each other in a relationship means so much more.

 

OK i sound like an OK guy (!) and yet I find myself in a situation that i would have severe reservations over if i knew someone else in the same boat.

 

So again, she is 16 and i am 31.

 

Does everyone just say NO immediately?

 

Would there be a different answer if , say, we were both 5 or 10 years older but with the same age gap of 15 yrs? (ie 21 and 36 or 26 and 41)

 

Thanks in advance!

 

UKguy

[avman]

There would definitely be a different answer if she was 21 and you were 36. The older she gets, the less of a maturity gap there will be although even at 21/36 there is a significant difference between the two of you.

 

At 16, though I realize this is legal in the UK, she simply is not ready for the kind of relationship that you are. You have children. You've experienced a lot in life. And she's just getting started with feelings, emotions, and sexuality. She doesn't know what she wants or how to even really function in a relationship yet.

 

You are both going to get hurt out of this. I'd steer clear.

[CarterJonas]

A very brave post mate, I suspect you know the answers you will receive.

 

Anyway my two cents is that at 16 she will have a lot of growing up to do within the next 5 - 10 years, whereas you have done your growing up already. I would also say that the two of you are at different stages in life, you possibly ready (sh) to settle down, where I doubt a 16 year old is. You also have external factors such as to how her parents will look at this, what about if you want to go to a bar/club?

 

I can understand your dilemma since I am 27 and get a lot of 18 - 21 girls hitting on me when I go out, whereas I also find it difficult to meet suitable women around my age.

 

t/c

[shes2smart]

Would there be a different answer if , say, we were both 5 or 10 years older but with the same age gap of 15 yrs? (ie 21 and 36 or 26 and 41)

 

I'm guessing you're not in the US (definite grasp of the obvious...). I don't know what the age one is considered an adult is in the UK. For the most part here, 18 is the magic number.

 

The answer would be different for a 21 & 36 year old or even an 18 & 33 because both partners would be of legal age. Until both partners are of legal age, one of them is a minor, and your local authorities don't tend to look to kindly on that....even if both parties consented.

 

Are you familiar with the US case of former teacher Mary Kay LeTourneau? Even though it was the underage boy who did the pursuing -- and admitted to it repeatedly -- as the legal adult, she was the one who spent 7.5 years cooling her heels in prison. While the age difference is the same between 16 & 31 and 18 & 33, the difference in how the younger party is seen in the eyes of the law makes all the difference in the world. The authorities and society may disapprove of the 18 & 33 year old couple, however, there's not a damn thing they can do about it. There's plenty they can do if the younger party is still considered a minor.

 

I'd hardly be one to disapprove of age gap relationships...I dated a man 18 years my senior when I was in my early 30's, and I married a guy 11 years younger than me when I was 37. In both instances, both of us were well over legal age.

 

Oh, and by the way, Mary Kay LeTourneau (now 42) is out of prision and she and her younger man (now 22) are planning their wedding in April. Had they exercised a bit of judgement and waited til he was 18, they could've spared themselves A LOT of grief.

 

Do a favor to yourself and the young lady, and wait until she's considered an adult in the eyes of the law before you embark on anything more than a friendship. Right now you are supposed to be the adult in this situation, and the burden is on you to behave in a responsible matter.

[cleverme123]

I am just gonna plain out tell ya what I think....First there is a huge difference between 31 and 16 and 20 something and thirty something. There is 11 years between my husband and I Me 27 him 38. Let me tell you about one issue that creates havoc. He has two daughters one 12 one 15, okay that is difficult because I am only 12 years off his oldest daughter. You have kids and honestly how you could get in a relationship with someone young that has no possible chance of being a mother figure to them at this point in her life is very selfish to your kids.

 

I have to ask why whe is seeming so attractive to you? She is a child, has not grown up and an older guy to a 16 year old will seem like the love of her life. Women fall in love with that father type figure. I think its kinda immorral and I defiantly think it's wrong for you to even pursue this relationship or give it thought. You can date someone 10,11,15, or even 20 years younger than you if you gotta, but you have to be on a maturity level that is pretty much the same. I doubt she is an where close to that.

 

Not to mention an endless amount of charges should any thing physical happen, no sex isn't everything, but it will pop up eventually. You need to just cool your jets and tell her you like her but the age thing makes it impossible.

[annie24]

Would there be a different answer if , say, we were both 5 or 10 years older but with the same age gap of 15 yrs? (ie 21 and 36 or 26 and 41)

 

Yeah, actually, the answer would be different. However, as you know, the teen years are very formative years. I'm sure that you did a lot of growing up between the ages of 16 and 21, or even 16 and 18. She is not ready to have a relationship with a man your age! She can't be a stepmom! Only a few years ago, she was playing with Barbie dolls herself.

 

I don't know what the educational system in the UK is, but since she's 16, does that mean she's still in high school? Not even in uni? She's still a child, even at 16, her body and brain are still developing. People used to think that 16 year olds are fully grown, but there's been a lot of research recently in the neuroscience field that says that teenage brains are still being rewired at that stage.

 

I really really think you should let this girl enjoy her childhood, and I think you should meet someone who is a more suitable emotional and physical match for you.

[ukguy1425]

Thanks avman and carterJonas for your quick replies! This a gr8 site!

 

OK well i appreciate your not-too-harsh responses and yes, you're right when you say i know what to expect.

 

My aim is to do the right thing here so that is the purpose of my post.

 

With regard to our personal situations, I am obviously single, i had a long term relationship that ended 4 years ago and since then I've seen a couple of girls but nothing long term.

 

I've mainly been enjoying my son's company. I feel younger than i did in my early-mid twenties. This is a natural thing, I'm certainly not TRYING to be young, for any reason at all. I think maybe I tried to be the "good sensible responsible boyfriend" so hard in the past that maybe now I'm enjoying feeling young as long as i can - as i said tho if it IS that, then its unconscious.

 

She, on the other hand, had a miscarriage a couple of years ago, has mentioned various sexual exploits (which i guess most would at 16) - but doesn't boast about them. I think she has been through a lot, she sounds almost like she has had enough of dating lots of guys and getting experience etc

 

We have things in common like TV programmes, music, etc

 

If nothing developed, we would, for sure, be great friends - in fact this is the state of play at the moment, although we both know things could move forward.

 

If being great friends and having things in common is perhaps a good basis for any type of relationship, and there are others on the board with bigger age gaps of 15, then in my situation it is purely the age of the female that is the problem?

[ukguy1425]

shes2smart - thanks for your comments.

 

In the UK, 16 is your 18, ie the 'legal age'.

 

I certainly would NEVER even consider doing anything like that with a minor.

 

I work with young people and would never take advantage.

 

I know you probably realise this....but now you know i am in the uk and 16 is not an illegal age to be in a relationship with someone, what do you think?

 

I'm really keen to know!!

 

Thanks to everyone else so far for your comments that came in while i was writing the message......much appreciated.

[avman]

She had a miscarriage a couple of years ago? At 14???? And you're saying at 16 that she's already had enough of dating tons of guys and sexual experience?

 

 

 

Run away my friend. As fast as your feet can carry you. This girl is trouble with a capital T.

[ukguy1425]

Regarding the comments about children and the relationship she may have with them...

 

My son stays with me at my house 3 nights a week.

 

I'm not looking for a mother figure.

 

I'm not looking for anyone to move in.

 

I'm not desperately lonely and i don't go for younger girls (well, not to that extent).

 

And i think the situation i am in is pretty bizarre, just as probably most of you might.

 

But, here i am in the situation.

 

Thanks for the comments, it is food for thought.

[ukguy1425]

She had a miscarriage a couple of years ago? At 14???? And you're saying at 16 that she's already had enough of dating tons of guys and sexual experience?

.

 

Not saying that really, i was just responding to the comments about her having no experience etc.

 

Sounds to me she has been through much more than i had at that age.

 

And i doubt she's had enough of sex/dating guys etc.....just pointing out that maybe she has done more than some might expect for someone that age.

 

I'm not suggesting thats a good thing or that i admire that either!!

[Wimpy]

I'm curious....where do you know her from? You say you work with young people...even though she is of legal age, you need to be careful. She isn't someone you work with is she? In which case I think that regardless of her age you could get in a whole heap of trouble.

 

Has she even finished her GCSE's yet and left school?

 

I think the relationship is a BAD idea - and as Avman says - run away - a miscarriage at 14!

[annie24]

Yes - I'm with Avman - run! Miscarriage? This girl has had some major problems and needs to get her head on straight. Dating a 31 year old man will not help the situation.

 

But, it's not only about the sexual experience we are worried about. At 16, I'm assuming she still lives with her parents. She doesn't pay her own rent, doesn't buy her own groceries, doesn't worry about the electric bill and taxes... she's at a completely different stage in life than where you are.

[shes2smart]

shes2smart - thanks for your comments.

 

In the UK, 16 is your 18, ie the 'legal age'.

 

I certainly would NEVER even consider doing anything like that with a minor.

 

I work with young people and would never take advantage.

 

I know you probably realise this....but now you know i am in the uk and 16 is not an illegal age to be in a relationship with someone, what do you think?

 

I'm really keen to know!!

 

Thanks to everyone else so far for your comments that came in while i was writing the message......much appreciated.

 

Isn't it odd how different countries arbitrarily pick an age for people to be considered adults?

 

I've been keeping a journal since I was 12, so I can get a pretty clear picture of what I was like at 16. What I see when I read what I wrote then is a facade of maturity over a girl who was not quite a child, but not quite an adult, either. Certainly not a person ready for a mature relationship. I know you believe your young lady has been through a lot for her age, but I also had been through some rough times by that age, as well.

 

You say you work with young people. If you enjoy your career and plan to stay in it, you really need to consider how anything but a friendship or mentor-student relationship is going to look to your co-workers, current employers and potential employers. You know you wouldn't take advantage of your position, however an employer may not be willing to take that risk on you.

 

Since I do not know you or the young lady in question, I'm hardly in a position to give you a thumbs up or thumbs down. As stated in my previous post, there are legal issues in this type of situation - in some countries, and you would need to be aware of those. Apparently they are not an issue where the two of you are, so that removes the threat of legal action.

 

That doesn't mean it's smooth sailing ahead, though. As you can see from the posts here, people aren't enthralled with the idea. I don't know how the community you live in would accept it, and that is something you'd have to figure out for yourselves.

 

I don't think it's the wisest move you could make. If you really want to be together, I think it'd be smarter to keep it on a friendship level for a couple years. You could end up sparing yourself a lot of grief in the long run if you do.

 

One final thought I've had on your situation. If you were 100% sure in your heart, mind & soul that this was the absolute right and best thing for both of you, you wouldn't be on here asking for opinions from strangers. I may be wrong, but I get the sense you're looking for some validation that pursuing this relationship is the right thing (or at least not the totally wrong thing). If you have ask, that means you've got your own doubts.

 

In the end, we always have free will. That's the double-edged sword that is life. We're free to choose badly, choose well, choose wisely, make mistakes, avoid mistakes and learn (or not) from the choices and mistakes we make.

 

Best of luck to you both.

[cleverme123]

I have one final take, she had a miscarriage a couple years ago, and is tired of going through guys for experience. One can only assume that a girl who has had this much trauma at this age most certainly has had sexual, emotional, physical abuse at some point. My guess would be the family she comes from, or at very least something she has seen. I think you are making a grave mistake pursuing this one. No matter what you are looking for you can't honestly tell me you don't feel more like a father than a boyfriend.

 

She is pursuing a relationship to fix something that has happened to her.

[PrincessLinzay]

Ok, firstly, nothing against you AT ALL, but you have to wonder why it is that she's looking to such an older man in her life. What void could she possibly be trying to fill?

 

Usually at that age, girls don't even think about dating a man that much older unless something occurred in their past to make it more attractive. Not having a father-figure is one of many explanations, as well as sexual abuse. Im not saying it's a definite, but it's certainly something you would have to consider.

 

She may seem very mature for her age, but she still has a lot to experience.

 

I wouldn't see anything long-term happening here.

 

Good Luck!

[tanned_production]

I'm not going to automatically say NO.. because it is your decision

 

i just think there are more factors to consider than just... you feel like having a relationship with her.

 

just be careful... make the best decision for the both of you.

[I_love_rain_hugs_and_you]

If she really is that special, then I am sure that you can wait for her. Wait 3-5 years until she is older and is finished school and stuff!!!!!!!!! Love can grow while you wait!!!! Maybe she is the one, but don't rush into anything. Wait!!!!!! Even wait years, even a decade!!! If she is the right one for you, then she will be worth the wait!!!!!

[Mr. Cactus]

Given your moral position, I don't see anything terribly wrong with you and the girl being friends. You would probably even help her develop into a better person than if you were not her friend.

 

I have a friend myself who is only 16 and female. I never sought her out. She sought me out through an internet forum we both belonged to. I didn't even want to talk with her at first, since I am a bit like you and initially felt exceptionally uncomfortable with it. But I now see it as quite a rewarding friendship because we have such similar basic interests, and I think she sees me as some sort of mentor figure and we often bounce ideas off each other. But I couldn't for the life of me ever see myself having a relationship with her no matter what age she got too. The age gap will always be too great. But then again I'm older than you. In your case, when she is 22 you would be 37, and personally that fits within my personal "age gap" limit.

 

But as the poster above me also said, by remaining friends, you also leave a possibility open for a relationship down the track. 5 to 6 years would be my absolute minimum "waiting period" if I were in the same position. And in the meantime I would be absolutely sure to do nothing at all to move the friendship into a relationship until she was older.

 

To be honest though, your friend, like my friend will change a lot over the next 4 to 6 years and will probably move on anyway, since the things they like in us now might not be important to them in the future. Again, should this happen you really have to let her go completely.

[aletr2elis]

I am looking it at this from 3 perspectives.

 

#1 I am a former teenager who had a relationship with an older man. I remember feeling completely swept away and pressured to appear more mature and make him think I was just as good as someone his own age. I met him at 14, did nothing but talk on the phone to him for a year. At 15 I gave up my virginity to him and then saw him off and on for 3 more years. At some point I came to the point where I felt obligated to continue the relationship because I felt like I was the one who initiated it. At 18, as a freshman in college, what I realized was that I had changed drastically in those 4 years, and I didn't have to be held responsible for those choices when I was 14. Even at 18 I didn't have any idea what being an adult meant, even though I felt like I was already mature. At 14 I was too busy rebelling against everyone that said I was "too young."

 

#2 I am a parent to two daughters who I know I will protect at all costs from men who don't understand the emotional difference between a teenager and a REAL adult (by the way I don't think that happens until mid twenties despite legal definitions).

 

#3 I am a teacher who is currently dealing with a student who is 14 and "just talking" to a guy who is 21. She feels like people look down on this because she is just a kid and she is fighting that notion and trying to prove to him and everyone that she is not just a kid. That is why she will eventually have sex with him if something doesn't change. She isn't "just a kid" but medical research proves that your brain is still maturing during the teenage years. They do not have the capacity to consider serious subjects with a truly objective view. They still think they are invulnerable and immortal. They think high school will last forever and they can never die. They are not as rational as you want them to be no matter how "mature" they look or pretend to be. Sexual experience does not make them anymore mature. It simply makes them more vulnerable and feelings of low self-esteem.

 

I have told this student that I didn't care how "hot" or funny or smart this guy is. If something doesn't click in his brain that he is too old for her, then something is wrong. There are plenty of other girls his age.

 

Something has clicked in your brain. It is that inner voice that is telling you that this is not a good situation. Of course you want to ignore it. We all want to do what feels good when we want to, but being a mature adult means we know how to control that impulse. In your relationship with this girl, you are the responsible adult that needs to do the right thing. You have to end your communication with her. If you run into her 10 year from now on the street, then start over. Move on.

 

 

P.S. It doesn't matter how many nights your children are in your house. As a responsible parent you owe it to them to be a good role model.

[love my 16yo girlfriend]

Dude, I sympathize with you ! I have been dating my g-friend for about 5 months now (she will be 17 next month) and loving every second of her !!

We unfortunately didn't go though the stage like you, that we just met and were friends for a while. We made wild passionate love from the first time we laid eyes on eachother. ( and that hasn't stopped in the slightest)

 

She is now living with me (in the UK - so I'm legal) - I have a responsible job and she has just started working as a waitress (hey it's a start).

Currently I'm paying for her studies and everything else she could possibly want ! Her mother is ok with the situation (she lives in FR) as she really trusts me and has know me for years ..and hell why not, I know I'm a nice guy and would never do anything to harm her, although she doesn't need to know any graphic details !

 

Anyway I just though I'd let you know that you are not alone out there amonst all these cynics mate ! and my best advise I can give you is go with your heart ! Yes you do need to play the father figure every once in a while - but isn't that what every woman wants (..and needs??) ..I'm probably gonna get grilled for that one but in all my 31 years on this planet and twice as many relationships that is my experiance !

Jeez just last year I felt like a geeza ! and now I have that spring in step back and life has never been better !

It's amazing what the love of a good (young) woman can do for you !!

 

Keep it real, her happy ! ..and slowdown on the energy drinks

[I_love_rain_hugs_and_you]

There are many teenagers who are very mature and very capable of making thier own choices. When I was a teenage, I was already involved with supporting political parties...I was very very mature. Remember that some teenagers are extremely emotional mature, and some are not...don't overgeneralize.

 

In any case, I think that the original poster needs to wait. If the girl really is that special, then you can wait for her!!!! Be patient...she still has a lot of life in her (and so do you)..so wait.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

"#2 I am a parent to two daughters who I know I will protect at all costs from men who don't understand the emotional difference between a teenager and a REAL adult (by the way I don't think that happens until mid twenties despite legal definitions). "

[ukguy1425]

Hi

 

As the original poster for this thread i just wanted to say thanx for all the replies, it's given me loads to chew over!

 

The 2 most recent replies, one from a teacher and the other from the 31/16 guy, were such a contrast!!! but thanks both for bein open!

 

As an update I am still seeing her twice a week or so but taking things REAL easy. Nothing has happened in the bedroom department although i get hints from her fairly often!! I am trying to be responsible but we do all have feelings don't we. If you read my earlier posts you will see i am trying to do the right thing, by everyone, which does include me, and yes i am a sensible human being but i also have feelings to. I understand the moral issue and am always remembering it. So at the moment i'm gonna take time, as suggested by quite a few on this thread.

 

Thanks for all the posts it has really helped

[BrokenSerenity]

I havent read most of the replies, so if i repeat anything that anyone has said then you know why...

 

Firstly... When seeing the numbers at first you tend to think "whoa, not good" but as a person that has been in a relationship that lasted quite long and there was a 13 year age gap i can say that in SOME cases it doesnt matter.

Depending on where the younger party that is involved in the relationship is mentally, things could work out.... People are quick to say that 16 year olds aren't mature enough to be in a relationship with a guy who is much older than them, but what they don't take into consideration is the fact that not all 16 year olds are stupid! I for one know that i am not!

Some 16 year olds can be mature whereas some others aren't.

The difference with my past relationship was that he didn't have children, but at the same time that shouldn't matter too much (not saying that your children don't matter at all)...

My major point is that despit the age gap things were still fine, sure there were people who thought that it was wrong, but at the end of the day they are NOT in your relationship, they don't feel what you feel and they don't have to be around you 24 hours of the day 7 days a week...

As long as you BOTH feel that its ok and you are willing to make sure that things work out fine then i don't see the problem with it.

 

I'll leave it at that.