Stuck

[complicated11]

I've been dating this guy for almost 6 months-- the first couple of months were very good-- after that I started noticing things-- one of the big things was his drinking... he seems to drink a lot all the time and me- i am not a drinker... i drink occasionally, but it is seldom. I don't need alcohol to have fun, or to calm me. Honestly, I think he has a problem-- but whenever i try to address it with him he get's wicked defensive. It sucks because he is a good person-- He just isn' the same person when he is drinking. My gut says walk aways, because I can't just sit back and just watch... it bugs me so much. I use to literally count how many dranks he had-- and that would just bother me more--- i honestly feel like he doesn't care... doesn't even seem to care about himself because if he did he would get help or at the very least admit he has a problem and try to make changes... he promised me numberous times he would drink less-- but although i see a small change--- it's not big enough to make any difference. If you ask me someone who has a problem shouldn't be drinking at all. I've never allowed myself to get involved with someone like this before-- It sucks because i love him, and I care about him-- and i see the good parts... but the bad... i can't be around. I want to help him-- but IDK how... the problem seems to be just getting worse. I can't really share this with my friends because I know they would all tell me-- what are you doing.. why are you still with him? I think i've been more than understanding... One of the things that I know isn't normal-- is it seems that he drinks so much that he wets the bed... it's disgusting and annoying... I've tried to be understanding... (i had bedwetting issues when i was a kid and did it until I was 10 or 11-- i know what its like to be teased for it... it was funny because the same person who teased me about it-- my dad--- was the one that caused it... i grew up in an abusive home and it took until i decided to no longer see him on weekends that I finally out grew it)... i guess the thing is I understand... The difference is I did everything in my power to stop it. I didn't drink at all at night, my dad had me taking medicines... he tried doing thinks that were basically neglect to get me to stop... but I did so many things because I cared... I hated it... i hated how it make me feel and how it affeted others. It was something, i understood and i tried to work with him with it-- just because that's the type of person i am... it would get better than, worse... I noticed-- and i think he noticed too-- that when he drank more-- it seemed to happen more....

 

It has gotten to the point though where i am seeing new things... that honestly freak me out and make me want to be far away from him... I slept over his house only two nights this past week-- both nights i was awoken by the sound of peeing... the first time i was half asleep-- but it sounded like he was peeing in the room... which i am pretty sure he was... he complained when i was all are you doing-- that sometimes you can't make it to the bathroom... he then i think went out and pick up the mess... in the morning he didn't remember a thing....

 

What was more freaky though was last night... I was awoken again by the sound of peeing... i looked over and he was on my side of the bed... which was odd bc he would have to walk all the way around the bed to get to where he was.... he was peaking out the window-- like his fingers were opening the blind a bit and he was peeing... again i was all what are you doing... i took a picture of the wet spot on the floor toshow him in the morning-- because it's like he doesn't believe me...I ended up sleeping on the couch because the whole thing freaked me out...

 

when i woke up i told him why i went to sleep on the couch... he seemed to write it off as just sleep walking.. made it seem like no big deal--- when to me... it isn't normal.... i am for a loss with him. I showed him the picture and he seemed more mad that I took a picture of it... It's not like i am going to share it with the world-- it was my proof to show to him since i knew he was going to say he didn't remember.

 

I wish i could help him... but idk how. I want to get married and have kids-- and i can't just play this game... he is a nice guy when he isn't drinking... it seems he drinks mostly at night-- and idk how but when he wakes up he seems perfect-- no hangover... nothing... he goes to work fine.... he has a good job-- where shouldn't be an alcoholic... and i have a good job where i shouldn't be dating one...

 

Part of me wants to reach out to his parents and just tell them what is going on in hopes someone can help him.... I don'tw ant to see him ruin his career... and with the job he has if he ever gets pulled over for a DWI-- he is done... it's sad though because a part of me wants that to happen because he needs help if you ask me... and if you ask me he needs chemical dependency treatment... but he seems to refuse it. I don't even think he would even go to chemical dependency because he would probably be worried of his job finding out or afraid someone he knows would find out...

 

I am sick of it... i love him, i care about him... but i just can't keep doing this.... I feel at a loss. We argue a ton about his drinking and nothing changes... i try being nice and that doesn't work, then i get upset and i say things i probably shouldn't say... but i don't know how to open his eyes... and i know what people say-- only he can...

 

I just would love some advise. Even if I walk away from him-- i will still continue to see him in the line of work we both do. Luckily we don't work together, but its not like i can just avoid him. I don't want to see him ruin his life, his job, what he has worked for... Part of me would love to just tell his parents. I know they love him... and maybe they can help... I know from talking to him it seems that he is having issues grieving... he still isn't over his grandfather's death from 3 yrs ago- and he cries about it... he seems to have awful coping skills...

[annie24]

I think you need to run away before you get in too deep. This man has a drinking problem and is not going to be a good husband or father. Run, don't walk. I'm sorry.

[Somegirl613]

I swear it was like your post described my relationship with my ex who I've been split up with for 6 months. Walk away now before you get in any deeper. My ex was a terrible alcoholic and I, like you, wasn't a big drinker, just socially. That first drink for him was like a light switch and he wouldn't stop. I watched him drink every one, counted them in my head. If I dared to mention that I thought he'd have enough, the fight was on and he would literally not quit until he passed out. Sometimes this was a day or two. I would leave and go to my moms every time. If he was on a bender, it might be days before I'd hear from him, the whole time imagining the worst. We would fight about it, break up, he'd swear he was done, then once I gave him another chance, he'd be good for a week or two then it would start again. It's a vicious cycle and it's better to end it now, unless you genuinely think he wants to get sober. It took me 5 years of fighting with myself that he's a good person when he's not drinking, but he is terrible to me when he is drunk. It eventually manifested into him not having to be drinking to emotionally abuse me, and I left for good 6 months ago. I do miss him and the good guy I know he can be, but for the safety of my son and myself, I had to leave. Feel free to message me if you ever need to talk. Just remember you can be strong enough to walk away and you can't love someone sober, they have to make the decision to get better themselves. If HE decides that's what he wants, then you can try to be there for him. But it has to be his choice.