Do you realty MISS your EX or the IDEA of them?

[Marco311]

This is something I think about often.

 

Especially after shorter relationships. My most recent being about 7 months. She ended it, but I often find myself struggling with my thoughts, as I try to figure out if it is HER I miss, or the IDEA of what I wanted us to be or hoped we could be.

 

I tend to lean more towards the idea. Only because most of our relationship was very surface level, not super intimate, and was held together mainly by the sex, since it was so good.

 

Curious how other people figure out this conundrum.

[limichelle]

I was with someone for a good seven years. The last three were lonely and hard and I admit I don't miss what heartache I struggled with or the loneliness. I think it's more I miss the old him the one I initially fell in love with.

 

So yes I would say I miss the idea of him.

 

It's normal you don't want them back you just reminisce a lot about the newness and happier times.

 

Also you fall into a routine and that is hard to adjust when that routine is no longer there.

 

Lisa

[nasdaq]

I miss the idea of who he was. I absolutely do not miss who he is now. My recovery is more focused on letting go of memories and wondering what might have happened if things had worked out differently. He is a selfish jerk now, who I do not miss, and have no desire to talk to. But I am still in love with my boyfriend of 1+ years ago.

[treesandbees]

I miss the idea of him. I know more know and I don't miss the loss of the relationship. In the end he lost out more than I have in quite a few ways it appears.

[shiner501]

Very often it is the fantasy of what we thought they were, rather than what they actually are.

[BlarneyStone]

Assuming we understand we are better off without the person, it would be the idea for sure. But isn't the idea of them still some version of them that we miss, to a degree?

 

It's an interesting question. I think it's much more than either/or, all or nothing. Too many psychological implications to consider upon abandonment to really pinpoint a proper answer.

[Lucia Amman]

I've always missed the idea of someone. The future 'us' really. With my first BIG crush he broke up with me within three weeks. He was a very philosophical guy, especially for his age (19), he was very well educated already. Attractive (although he thought he was super ugly), funny and I thought we hit it off from the start (obviously he didn't). I already pictured us sitting in the far far future, sitting in our backyard on a hot summer evening discussing philosophy and all kinds of life subjects while sipping from our wine glasses. I had it all pictured out - of course I didn't told him this. But it was in my head. So when he broke up with me I saw my dream vanishing. I didn't really know Him, I was well aware of that, but it was hard for me to see my dream going away. I was literally sick for a full week. And then I decided to move away as far as possible and went overseas.

 

When I broke up with my ex of 8 years the hardest part was again my idea, the dreams I had envisioned. We had two kids and I just saw there happy youth blow away. The house I gave birth in to my youngest daughter and I would grow old in, the garden I loved and hated; I had to leave it all behind. The house and garden were part of the idea that was my relationship albeit metaphorically speaking.

 

I've never felt truly saddened to lose the person I was with. I've always had the feeling that in time I would meet the right person, a better person or at least someone else with whom I would have a great relationship again (for the time being at least). I've never believed there is a 'one and only' and I've never romanced someone's personality. I've always been very rational to a certain point about who it is I fall in love with or decide to be romantically involved with.

I never believed I would find the one and live happily ever after with.

 

But what I do envision is our future together and since futures are always heavily infused to the other person in this case it was harder to break up with my future than with the relationship. And whenever i broke up I was relieved to be single again and start my dating life and meet new people. It's not them that I miss, it's my future self.

[Wolfshook]

I miss her, and how we were.

 

I dont know who she is now,and I dont want to jump that train, I think bad od her behaviour now (though I dont know anything about it) probably just to make it easier for me, it's easier to hate then to miss, but still deep inside I still believe she is that good girl I used to know.

 

But does it matter really?

[Marco311]

I don't think it REALLY matters in the sense, picking either / or is not going to immediately make you feel better.

 

But like many people above, I remember I used to talk with my ex all the time about what we were going to do with our lives once we both were able to leave our jobs and move to some nice little mountain town and buy a house, with a yard. We'd get a dog, go on hikes, bike rides, travel, etc. I will miss that fantasy. Doesn't mean it CAN'T happen with someone else. But I feel like when you think about that IDEAL life with someone you are with, it's almost as if you take a major setback, to the starting point when you break up. And start the process all over again.

[Hermes]

Nothing wrong with a little fantasy now and then, Marco. But, there is no such thing as an ideal life or ideal anything else in this tough world. It's a hard station!

 

I think people miss the "routine" rather than the person. You'd kind of miss the hum of the fridge if it wasn't there lol.

[Marco311]

Nothing wrong with a little fantasy now and then, Marco. But, there is no such thing as an ideal life or ideal anything else in this tough world. It's a hard station!

 

I think people miss the "routine" rather than the person. You'd kind of miss the hum of the fridge if it wasn't there lol.

 

I totally agree. It's always easy for me to fantasize. Maybe a little too easy sometimes But yea, when I was a kid, I lived in TX where I always remembered the sound of our central AC running at night. And now at the age of 35, I still have to pump that sound through my speakers in my bedroom to fall asleep, because I live on the west coast where no one has an AC.

[Hermes]

LOL, Marco. You got it!

[Itchy]

No I do not, but then I have been single for nearly eight years (it will be eight years in October). I have no ill feelings for my ex, she's a wonderful person from what I remember of her and I wish her all the best for the future but I don't miss her and I don't miss what we had.

[Playing nice]

It's the routine and habit I missed I thought it was him because I had forgotten the bad times the hurt the feelings of being trapped the hopelessness of my future and I thought it was him I was missing but it isn't he was my partner and best friend for almost 26 years do I miss him no I don't anymore