The Ex Factor

[Bejeweled]

A year and a half ago, I met who I thought was the love of my life. We did everything together, and he was my everything. I spent holidays with his family, and my family loved him. I was single two years before I met him after a mildly abusive relationship, and I was so happy to be with somebody who cared and treated me like his princess. I loved him so much, and he loved me back. We were talking about moving in together and getting married one day.

 

Somewhere around six or seven months into the relationship, the sex stopped and he suddenly became very irritable towards me. I would try to have sex and he would roll over and brush me off. I know he wasn't cheating, but the thought came up. This hurt me alot and caused alot of fights. He finally said that he had ED and didn't want to talk about it. He drank ALOT ( alot more than he had when I met him) and this was also an issue. One day about three months ago, we got into a terrible fight over a FACEBOOK POST and he broke up with me. He threw all of my stuff away and called me a bunch of nasty names, which he'd never done before. I was devastated. I threw myself into my job, and worked on establishing new friendships since all of my other ones were his.

 

I had finally started to get better; I wasn't the at the point of dating again yet, but I was finally moving on, when he showed up at my door and apologized for everything. He confessed that he'd secretly been doing drugs (which I'd kind of suspected) and had been lying about how much he drank. He was so sorry, and felt terrible about what he'd put me through. We had a long talk and he promised me that he was working on slowing down on his drinking and would only drink with me (so that he wasn't drinking every day.) I mainly drink on the weekends except a glass of wine or two during the week, and I don't do any drugs. I was shocked, but I decided to give him a second chance.

 

A couple of weeks later, we still hadn't had the "make up sex" that people always talk about. I hadn't even slept over yet. I asked him about it one night, and he said his sheets were dirty. I asked why he didn't just wash them, he got mad and then snapped that he didn't want to let me sleep in the same dirty sheets that he $%&* 6 girls in! I was so hurt and upset, and disgusted, because he was always brushing me off while we were together and then he basically out after dumping me. Now I feel like it was me that he didn't want, and I feel terrible about myself.

 

I know when you're single you're single, and 1 or maybe 2 people in the three months were apart is kind of ok, but that many in such a short period of time and so quickly just makes me think about him like somebody else. I feel so hurt and grossed out, and now every time I think about him I get the image in my head of him on top of some random girl, in the same bed where did the same thing, where he said he loved me and promised that he would never leave. I can't imagine how I'd feel if we'd actually had sex and I found this out afterwards. I just can't get past it.

 

This information-which I admit I DID NOT need or want to know-caused an argument. He called me wasted out of his mind the next day and said that he doesn't want to be with me, It's not going to work, that he's sorry for leading me on into thinking we were back together, and to $@#! off. I know that was partially the alcohol speaking, but the wound I'd tried so hard to heal was ripped open all over again. So here I am at home by myself, instead of trying to meet new guys and live my life, I'm crying because he broke my heart all over again. And more than anything else, I feel like a complete fool.

[snowpeachdoll]

A year and a half ago, I met who I thought was the love of my life. We did everything together, and he was my everything. I spent holidays with his family, and my family loved him. I was single two years before I met him after a mildly abusive relationship, and I was so happy to be with somebody who cared and treated me like his princess. I loved him so much, and he loved me back. We were talking about moving in together and getting married one day.

 

Somewhere around six or seven months into the relationship, the sex stopped and he suddenly became very irritable towards me. I would try to have sex and he would roll over and brush me off. I know he wasn't cheating, but the thought came up. This hurt me alot and caused alot of fights. He finally said that he had ED and didn't want to talk about it. He drank ALOT ( alot more than he had when I met him) and this was also an issue. One day about three months ago, we got into a terrible fight over a FACEBOOK POST and he broke up with me. He threw all of my stuff away and called me a bunch of nasty names, which he'd never done before. I was devastated. I threw myself into my job, and worked on establishing new friendships since all of my other ones were his.

 

I had finally started to get better; I wasn't the at the point of dating again yet, but I was finally moving on, when he showed up at my door and apologized for everything. He confessed that he'd secretly been doing drugs (which I'd kind of suspected) and had been lying about how much he drank. He was so sorry, and felt terrible about what he'd put me through. We had a long talk and he promised me that he was working on slowing down on his drinking and would only drink with me (so that he wasn't drinking every day.) I mainly drink on the weekends except a glass of wine or two during the week, and I don't do any drugs. I was shocked, but I decided to give him a second chance.

 

A couple of weeks later, we still hadn't had the "make up sex" that people always talk about. I hadn't even slept over yet. I asked him about it one night, and he said his sheets were dirty. I asked why he didn't just wash them, he got mad and then snapped that he didn't want to let me sleep in the same dirty sheets that he $%&* 6 girls in! I was so hurt and upset, and disgusted, because he was always brushing me off while we were together and then he basically out after dumping me. Now I feel like it was me that he didn't want, and I feel terrible about myself.

 

I know when you're single you're single, and 1 or maybe 2 people in the three months were apart is kind of ok, but that many in such a short period of time and so quickly just makes me think about him like somebody else. I feel so hurt and grossed out, and now every time I think about him I get the image in my head of him on top of some random girl, in the same bed where did the same thing, where he said he loved me and promised that he would never leave. I can't imagine how I'd feel if we'd actually had sex and I found this out afterwards. I just can't get past it.

 

This information-which I admit I DID NOT need or want to know-caused an argument. He called me wasted out of his mind the next day and said that he doesn't want to be with me, It's not going to work, that he's sorry for leading me on into thinking we were back together, and to $@#! off. I know that was partially the alcohol speaking, but the wound I'd tried so hard to heal was ripped open all over again. So here I am at home by myself, instead of trying to meet new guys and live my life, I'm crying because he broke my heart all over again. And more than anything else, I feel like a complete fool.

 

I'm so sorry for what happen to you I'm sure it hurts so much. But the issue here is not you but him. He needs to deal with his own problems and you need to heal. Just like everyone else would say, go on NC for your own sake. Find your core. If you want to cry its okay but please don't yourself over something you did not have control. You did what you can and you were kind. You're worthy to be loved and you do not deserve to be treated like this.

[Bejeweled]

I'm so sorry for what happen to you I'm sure it hurts so much. But the issue here is not you but him. He needs to deal with his own problems and you need to heal. Just like everyone else would say, go on NC for your own sake. Find your core. If you want to cry its okay but please don't yourself over something you did not have control. You did what you can and you were kind. You're worthy to be loved and you do not deserve to be treated like this.

 

Thank you. It has been so hard, especially since he made me feel like I was the one who caused all of this and that I was acting crazy when I got upset. The thing is, if the tables had been reversed, he would have freaked out if I told him that I'd hooked up with 6 different guys before trying to get back together. I can't help but blame myself for all of this...I appreciate your kind words. It is nice to know that there is nothing I could have done differently-except not take him back!

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like another "mildly abusive" relationship, this time with what turned out to be a guy with a serious drinking problem. You would be better off not thinking you can fix anyone's drinking problems and restore them to the prince charming you thought you met.

 

Get some therapy to gain insight into getting into "mildly abusive" relationships and planning weddings etc in the first few months before the real person comes out.

He finally said that he had ED and didn't want to talk about it. He drank ALOT alot more than he had when I met him and this was also an issue. he's sorry for leading me on into thinking we were back together, and to $@#! off.

[Bejeweled]

Unfortunately it sounds like another "mildly abusive" relationship, this time with what turned out to be a guy with a serious drinking problem. You would be better off not thinking you can fix anyone's drinking problems and restore them to the prince charming you thought you met.

 

Get some therapy to gain insight into getting into "mildly abusive" relationships and planning weddings etc in the first few months before the real person comes out.

 

 

I thank you for your insight. I actually did start therapy afterwards, and even though I have a ways to go, it's helped alot so far. He never laid a hand on me-and I doubt he ever would, he's not a violent person-but the name calling and stuff is never OK, drunk or not, and I know that now.

 

As far as "wedding planning," we hadn't reached that point yet...but we definitely thought we'd get married at some point. I'm glad that is the furthest it went with that subject. I had most of my stuff there at the time, but I can't imagine if I'd gone though with moving in like we were planning or even more.

 

I agree that he has a problem. I didn't realize how bad it was because when we were together the first time, he was lying about how much he drank and I almost never knew he was drunk. I did bust him in a lie once after we'd gone out for the night, and I was so mad that he would not only put our lives in danger but other people's as well. Another time, I found an empty beer can in my car (he liked to drive my car instead of his sometimes.) It's so weird how obvious it is now, but those incidents seemed so far in between that I never even thought he had a problem. I think next time, I'll just date a guy who doesn't really drink and can have fun without alcohol. I think I just wanted to believe that he really would be able to stop, but as you stated, he has a problem.

 

The sad part is, he is trying to get custody of his kid because her mother, too, has substance abuse problems...I don't know how he plans to do that when he can't even handle being in a relationship, let alone take care of his sobriety....I think the whole "trying to do better for the kid" image he gave me had me fooled.

[Wiseman2]

After reading all this I think even more so that you really dodged a bullet. Great you got out of there and are doing better. Now you can focus on your needs and be open to letting a guy who deserves you into your life. Have you heard from him?

he was lying about how much he drank and I almost never knew he was drunk. I think the whole "trying to do better for the kid" image he gave me had me fooled.

[Bejeweled]

After reading all this I think even more so that you really dodged a bullet. Great you got out of there and are doing better. Now you can focus on your needs and be open to letting a guy who deserves you into your life. Have you heard from him?

 

I haven't heard anything from him. I actually hid his posts on FB, so I don't even know if he's on my list anymore. The closest I came to contact was seeing his car outside the bar yesterday, so I know he's still drinking.

 

I think I dodged a bullet, too. A big one.

[shiner501]

A womanizing drunkard. You can do far better than that dear. Stop and think for a moment if you'd got further down the road with this man, and god forbid had his child. Goodness me, your life would be a train wreck. Bullet dodged, well and truly, even if it may not quite feel that way now and you still harbor a fantasy of what "may have been". Good luck.

[Bejeweled]

A womanizing drunkard. You can do far better than that dear. Stop and think for a moment if you'd got further down the road with this man, and god forbid had his child. Goodness me, your life would be a train wreck. Bullet dodged, well and truly, even if it may not quite feel that way now and you still harbor a fantasy of what "may have been". Good luck.

 

Thanks for commenting! I hope one day soon, I can leave all of this behind me and feel ok again.