Is he just messing me about 2nd time round?

[Bekki47]

His all,

 

I just need a bit of advice really as to what I should do now. Me and my partner I'm 37 he's 43 was together for 4 years but he was unhappy towards the end as he felt suffer cated as he wanted his independence even tho I never stopped him from doing what he wanted to do. He became very lazy and had no interest in anything so I told him to leave and have some time to think about what he wanted. After he left I missed him so much I was texting him to come back. I then got to a point where I thought all hope had gone and after 4 months of telling me he doesnt want a relationship and wants to be alone as well as ignoring me for weeks he messaged me saying he would meet up with me but things have now changed but we will see how things are when we meet up. So we did and meeting up was great it felt as it did when we first met. We were both shy and couldn't stop holding hands. He told me that he had missed me and he thought of me all the time and that he still had massive feelings for me and we decided to try again and give it another go. He said he had been going to the gym to feel better bout him self and that he goes 2 hours a day Monday to Fri after work. I was like so how we going to see each other but he said we would work around it. We are a 2 weeks into seeing each other again. I asked him to move back home so we can work on things together and he carry on with what he does at the same time but he said it was too early and that he feels weird when he comes round and says that he's scared he will feel how he did before plus he has the gym now where he lives and he doesn't want to leave as his friends are there and he doesn't want to go to a gym else where as he won't know anyone and he won't work out alone. So I was like OK see how things go. But when I want to see him he won't come. He will say he's got the gym. If he does turn up he will say I'm here I've given the gym up for you or he will say u don't look happy to see me I could have been there now. He will turn up and stay for the night then go again and I won't see him again until he says he's coming and it feels like when he comes he just wants sex then in the morning he's off again. I asked him to come over this weekend and he says he's made plans to watch the football wit friends I've never heard of or never bothered with him when we was together or did I meet any of them So I said OK when will I see you he said calm down I'm working on it. Fri night I got home from work and he was at he house he said I've come to surprise you. I said are you here for the weekend he said no just the night I'm going to watch football tomorrow. So I said OK and he stayed and went next morning. I text him to come Sunday but he said he likes to chill out and play on his playstation on a Sunday so I didn't see him . I'm not supposed to see him now cus he's got gym after work all week so it would have been Saturday but yesterday my son said to me when he was talking to him the other day when he surprised me my son had asked him in and he said no ill wait out side for your mum and my son said have you just come from work and he said no I've skipped the gym again with a kind of sigh and my son said but that's ok because you have come to see your girlfriend and he said well yeah but it ruins my routine. When my son told me that. I rang him to ask him why he says these things and when he comes round why does he have to tell me he gave gym up to be with me because it makes me feel guilty. I said if it means so much to u then just do that and he said he would and hung up on me and now won't answer my calls or texts he says he's annoyed and fed up and he never said it to my son. I mean it's like he has a new life now and I just feel like I should leave him to that. He never had any interest in going gym when he was with me when I asked him too or going out but now he does it all. I would never stop him from doing what he does now it's just if we are going to work there needs to be a balance of both but he's not talking to me now so I don't know if it's over again. I mean have i been to pushy have i driven him away again by going on bout us spending time and being together? What should I do now?

[Cope]

I was gonna say that it seems as though he just found a new interest, he eventually got the life he wanted and started doing stuff for himself, which is good. I understand that you may have not been pressuring him, sometimes people feel pressured on their own.

 

Then i read this:

 

I asked him to come over this weekend and he says he's made plans to watch the football wit friends I've never heard of or never bothered with him when we was together or did I meet any of them

 

Honestly, this is what hit me the most. Either he never wanted you to meet his friends which is really bad or you really never bothered, which adds to what he is saying that he feels suffocated and wants his independence.

 

So honestly, even if i don't like the rest of his behavior you describe in the end, i can't be fair if you do pressure him and you are not realizing it.

[Clio]

This guy doesn't sound like he loves you. Or at least, he seems to love the gym, play station and watching football more... This guy is treating you like an option. This is NOT what a second chance looks like. The reason you broke up with him pretty much stands. He is pretty much living the life of a bachelor and he STILL feels suffocated! The only thing that has changed is that you are now putting up with the crap that led you to break up with him. Your son shouldn't see his mom being treated like a nuisance.

[Bekki47]

Hi..he told me when we was living together that he didn't have any friends....he never mentioned any...no one called him or came to visit...or anything then when heleft all these people have just come on the scene...I would have been more that happy to meet them or invite them round. He told me he hated Facebook and never went in their but when we broke up he signed up and I think he been catching up with people through that.

[Cope]

Hi..he told me when we was living together that he didn't have any friends....he never mentioned any...no one called him or came to visit...or anything then when heleft all these people have just come on the scene...I would have been more that happy to meet them or invite them round. He told me he hated Facebook and never went in their but when we broke up he signed up and I think he been catching up with people through that.

 

Then he probably had depression or something when you two got together and now he is overcoming it. Either way, it's not your problem, so if you are not happy, move on. It's not nice that he is making you feel guilty and accusing you for something you do not do! (pressure him)

 

You are not pushy, there is supposed to be a balance between your lives and your life together. If he can't find one, than he isn't ready for a relationship. Maybe he wants both, that's why he's lashing out now.

[Bekki47]

It feels like he wants to come and see me when he wants and then go bk to the new lifestyle he has. He ignored me all day yesterday all my calls. I text him and told him I didn't want us to argue I just don't want to feel like I'm stopping him from doing what he's doing to come see me. He said he was annoyed and fed up. I asked him to come over yesterday I said I will help him with fuel cus he's got no money. He said he couldnt drive over because his cars got to go garage and that he's not happy at all. so i said ill go pick him up and I'll drop him to work this morning. I said I'll cook us something then we can watch a film together because I'm not gong to see him all week and he responded no I'm OK thank you and I've heard nothing since. It hurts when he treats me this way. He did this for 4 months. Then I finally got him back and because I questioned what he said to my son he's doing it again. He hasn't even read my last messages

[Cope]

Hm.. Well I'm not the best right now to advise you on staying together, I just got out of a relationship and I'm kinda all about the freedom and a bit negative to them. So keep that in mind while you read my comments.

 

That said, of I was you I'd end it. O would say talk about it first but he doesn't seem much talkative. Ask him if he's up for a talk before you do anything else. Before everything, you should figure out what YOU want. Write down the pros and cons. BE HONEST. Dig deep inside and face your needs and feelings, tell the truth to you. This will help clear your mind and be objective. Good news is that he will leave you alone during this cause he doesn't seem to be there either way. So no need for breaks or NC.

 

Once you do this, prepare yourself for everything to go south, no matter what your decision. Don't expect it to go south, just be prepared so you won't be blindsided.

 

Tip. When you talk to him, never accuse him of anything. Always say 'I feel neglected', 'I feel guilty and I don't like that' etc. If you say 'you don't pay any attention to me', 'you make me feel guilty 'and so on, he will just get defensive. Also, triple check if there is any underlying reason you feel like this(I doubt it), just check to be sure you are not mad for a different reason and is lashing out for another.

 

Take care of yourself and your son! Keep us posted!

[Bekki47]

I messaged him again asking why he's still ignoring me.he says because I was going off on one for what my son had told me. I told him he should have just talked to me instead if ignoring me for 24 hrs and he seems that if he doesn't want to talk then he won't. I then told him I'm done with him treating me like crap. I had it for months and I'm getting it again now. He hasn't responded and it looks like my messages are not read either. ...now I gotta go through th process of the breakup all over again now. It hurts.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. He's just coming back for now and then hook-ups but offers a ton of reasons not to resume a relationship. Stop offering him money, stop offing him rides and food that won't bring him around. Unfortunately he's hoping you get the hint by using these excuses to not come around.

 

It's time to move on and stop being frustrated by is lame excuses not to see you.

It feels like he wants to come and see me when he wants and then go bk to the new lifestyle he has.

[Bekki47]

I finally got him to talk to me last night after he ignored my calls for 4 days but still replyed by text occasionally..he told me he's fed up and sad and has no motivation to do anything. I asked him what he wants and he told me he can't give me the answers that I want and about moving in together in future he can't give me what I want anf i deserve better. I said why is this happening we have been getting on great he said I know and I don't know what it is. It's so hard but it's how he's feeling. I said do you want me to forget us and move on because this is really draining me out and he said I think so. I said You have ignored me for 4 day's when we could have just talked. He said he didn't want to talk after I had gone on at him over what my son had told me and that my son hadnt said what my son had told me and since then he's felt like this. I told him I had booked time off bank holiday to spend together as we had planned and he said I don't want to go away. I don't want to do anything. I just want to go work and go gym and shut myself away at home and I don't want to speak to anyone. He said it's so hard but I should move on. Then his phone cut off he said his battery was dying. I feel terrible...back to square 1. I have deleted all numbers so I can't contact him. I feel used and lied to and now going through that pain all over again. Last week we was what I thought getting somewhere he told me he lived me that he wanted us now I'm on my own again. I know I've been soo stupid I could kick myself. It hurts. I want to send him an angry email to tell him that how he's treated me is not acceptable and that he's hurt me again and tell him im not ok with it but I know I may regret it.