Do we really want them back?

[Cope]

Hi!

 

I just had a thought today, a glimpse at a future with him if he ever came back right now. I have to be honest, i didn't really like it. Each case is different, i mean in my case i didn't like it because if we got back together right now, we would still have the distance which i wasn't so very fond of.

 

I just thought i put this out there and start a place where we can share reasons why we wouldn't be happy if we got back together tomorrow. It may be fun and therapeutic! It could be the silliest reason, try to be as honest as you can!

 

 

So i wouldn't be happy because of the distance and because he was never open about his feelings.

[tina-rocks]

I realised I was never in love with him. It was a revelation, late, but better late than never.

[Wolfshook]

I still fight between me really wanting her back and my ego wanting her back because she left me, I'm confused.

 

Why I wouldnt be happy?

I'll be honest here, I doubt it that I could go past her sleeping with another man, I'm in good position with my FWB and I started going on dates with another girl, I plan vacation with my fwb for summer and I dont think I would trade that.

 

Things are so much easier this way,but anyhow I miss her.

[Wolfshook]

Oh and I forgot to add, it would be hard because I really feel like I dont knoe her, it's like she is just somebody that I used to know.

[Jaydunno]

I think I wouldn't be as happy as I think I would because in the back of my head I will always feel like she will leave me. I always felt as if she wasn't 100% Happy not with our relationship but in general. It can be now or later when we have a family but what if she leaves.

 

She has broken up with me multiple times and yet I take her back. I do love her but I miss her like crazy.

[ragdoll15]

I wouldn't be happy because if he didn't want to commit before, how would getting back together change anything? I know I would resent him because deep down I know that a man who loves me will move mountains to marry me, that he would never make me feel unsure about how he feels about me. If he decided to marry me only because he didn't want to lose me to someone else, I guess that would be a recipe for disaster...

[pettyLies]

We kept breaking up and getting back together, and those times we were separated/broken up he went back to his ex for sex (they're sorta like FWB). I can't handle that anymore, knowing that he did whatever he did to relieve himself but always realizing that the grass isn't greener. Also, supposedly there's no communication on my end as he told me but when I do bring something up I'm belittled for it. Doesn't want to get married nor have children. I don't miss his

flirtatious/wandering tongue and eyes. Mood swings are horrible. Aggressive and verbal driver that gives me anxiety attacks. I don't miss his as**ole ways. I don't miss him and I hope it stays this way.

[Labhrais85]

This is an interesting question, Cope.

 

Ive actually sat and really thought about this the last while and I have to admit, my answer would be no. I just think that the trust would be gone, and especially in my case being the one who was dumped (emphatically), the 'balance of power' or whatever in the relationship would never be stable, moreso because of the way she spoke to me after it all, unless it was her who asked me for reunion.

 

Also, I recognise that there are loads of things about her I didn't like and that would've made things problematic long term. However, while I can rationally think that, I still miss her and still want her back and Im feeling all the sadness, loneliness, grief and all that and hate the thoughts of her with someone else. Which of course drives me mad; I actually believe Im better off without her, but I still really really want her and miss her. Makes no sense, head vs. heart or something

 

I think part of it as what Wolfshook said below, that's the conclusion Ive drawn from it, hurt pride, ego, feelings of betrayal and being disrespected eat away at me I think, along with guilt for my part in things (stupid as that may sound to people reading )

 

I still fight between me really wanting her back and my ego wanting her back because she left me, I'm confused.

 

Why I wouldnt be happy?

I'll be honest here, I doubt it that I could go past her sleeping with another man, I'm in good position with my FWB and I started going on dates with another girl, I plan vacation with my fwb for summer and I dont think I would trade that.

 

Things are so much easier this way,but anyhow I miss her.

[Cope]

I realised I was never in love with him.

I doubt it that I could go past her sleeping with another man.

in the back of my head I will always feel like she will leave me.

I would resent him because deep down I know that a man who loves me will move mountains to marry me, that he would never make me feel unsure about how he feels about me.

there's no communication on my end as he told me but when I do bring something up I'm belittled for it. Doesn't want to get married nor have children. I don't miss his

flirtatious/wandering tongue and eyes. Mood swings are horrible. Aggressive and verbal driver that gives me anxiety attacks.

the trust would be gone

 

Marvelous reasons not to want them back!

 

And each and every one of us of course misses them deeply. It's just a matter of time till the "heart" catches up with the brain.

Don't ask me why i gathered them up like that, i dunno, just wanted to see them in one phrase.

 

 

You make perfect sense Labhrais85. The pain we go through during break ups are totally tied to our ego. I think that is one of the main reasons that the dumpee has a harder time letting go, besides the obvious.

 

I try to think of more reasons why i wouldn't want to be with him now, trying to be honest and it's tricky cause i also don't want to be mean as he hasn't done anything bad to me. To add to the distance, i just can't imagine myself waiting for another text and waiting months for a simple hug. Although if he called me right now i'd jump up in joy screaming YES YES! cause i too freakin miss him

[sb26]

He left when I needed him the most. He made others his priorty. I feel he wants to come back but doesn't have the guts to confront me.

I miss him everyday but that missing thing is for the reason that my love for him was unconditional (not coz of some sweet memories;That infact I never had).

 

I don't think I would be able to accept him back as the trust is altogether gone. I really pray that I find someone new and move on.

[AnastasiaB]

Pat Allen talks about oxytocin 'addiction' and withdrawal, that's why she says suss someone out as much as possible before sleeping with them. So you don't miss 'them' so much as the chemical hit of oxytocin bonding That's why she recommends nc!