I think my bf wants to break up

[Mama2015]

So my bf recently (1 1/2 months ago) got a new job. It's great and he's happy there but the only thing i have a problem with is a female co worker of his. One morning while he was getting ready for work I decided to check up on who he's been texting. I found he was texting someone- I'll say their name is S. He was asking S what their address was and then the next day sent a message saying "I'm here". He came to say bye to me as he left for work and I said who is S? And he said she's a co worker and I asked why are you at her house? He said she lives in a women and children homeless shelter, she's married and has 2 kids and she needed a ride to work, and since the shelter is about 5 minutes from our house he gave her the ride. I didn't mind and that was the end of the conversation. I searched her on fb and she wasn't old or married, but also wasn't very attractive either so I wasn't too worried. Well it's really been bothering me cause on 2 occasions now she has texted him around 10:30 at night. The first occasion she was confiding in him about her personal problems and she mentioned that if he has a gf she is probably upset he's texting S right now. He said "it's not like that and if it was, I wouldn't put up with that". So he didn't tell her whether or not he had a gf. Which I thought was strange. After this, I purposely left my makeup and sunglasses in the car. (He takes my car to work btw, which is another reason I'm upset. No other woman should be in my car) anyways, the next day, the sunglasses and makeup were hidden in the center console. I didn't mention it but it did bother me and make me think he's hiding me from her. That night I brought the rides up and he got mad that I did and told me not to worry it's nothing to worry about, so I dropped it. Every time I bring it up he gets defensive and tells me to stop being annoying and that I shouldn't care who he's texting and he doesn't ask who I am texting. I stopped talking about it and a half hour later he hugged me hard and kissed my head. This is his way of appologizinh when he knows he's wrong but he can't admit it. Well yesterday I had a interview and I left my girly interview shoes on the floor in the passenger seat, when I went to my car today, the shoes were in the backseat. I'm assuming he hid them from her so she wouldn't see. I did hang up a picture of me and him too in plain sight so she can see it, which hasn't been removed or hidden. I'm just worried he's trying to hide me from her so that way he has a chance to get close to her and be intimate if he wanted. We've been together 3 years and lived together for a year and a half. I don't know what to do. He doesn't care that it bothers me that he gives this girl rides to and from work probably everyday. Sorry if this is all over the place, my thoughts are so messed up over this and I'm just trying to vent and seek Advice

[Wiseman2]

There are a few things going on. 1) trust issues and suspicion. 2) boundaries regarding his coworker. and the most important one: 3) He should not be driving your car no less have passengers in it unbeknownst to you.

 

The solution is very simple, rather than this cat and mouse game of snooping, leaving stuff in the car, etc. Stop Letting Him Drive Your Car! If he and this woman get in an accident Both Of Them Can Sue You! Tell him you contacted your insurance agent and he's no longer covered to drive it. Period.

 

Then work on your relationship issues with regard to jealousy, suspicion, boundaries...explain that he's not a social worker, knight in shining armor, etc. .

He takes my car to work btw, which is another reason I'm upset. He doesn't care that it bothers me that he gives this girl rides to and from work probably everyday.

[Mama2015]

There are a few things going on. 1) trust issues and suspicion. 2) boundaries regarding his coworker. and the most important one: 3) He should not be driving your car no less have passengers in it unbeknownst to you.

 

The solution is very simple, rather than this cat and mouse game of snooping, leaving stuff in the car, etc. Stop Letting Him Drive Your Car! If he and this woman get in an accident Both Of Them Can Sue You! Tell him you contacted your insurance agent and he's no longer covered to drive it. Period.

 

Then work on your relationship issues with regard to jealousy, suspicion, boundaries...explain that he's not a social worker, knight in shining armor, etc. .

 

 

 

 

Thank you for your response. The reason he takes my car is that at the moment I am not working, and I have the "better" car between the two of us. Plus his tags are expired so he does not want to drive his car. I have no problem with him driving it, what's mine is his and what's his is mine. It's only since become a problem since she's been in the car. I don't want her getting the wrong idea thinking he's single when he's not. I do think it's up to him to tell her though, but since he's not I do feel the need to leave my stuff in the car in plain sight so she knows he's not available. I also do know he will cheat if he is going to cheat, regardless if I leave my stuff in my car.

[Wolfshook]

To be honest I dont see what is wrong here, people drive together all the time, he might have moved your shoes back to make room for her to sit, and if he didnt want her to know about you he would hide your picture or take his car. She might be emotionally troubled and needs a friend thats why she is texting him at 10,and this is the only troublesome thing that is happening here and it's not even that much that you should really be concerned about it.

 

Did he tell you about her before he took her to work?

[Cope]

Honestly i don't see anything wrong either. It seems as you are reading too much into things. But, i can understand the "feeling".If you are not a jealous type in general and this is the first time you are feeling insecure even if similar things have happened in the past and never bothered you, than it my be something. Still, you should stop testing and checking etc...Like you said, if he is going to cheat, he will. Focus on yourself, see if there is a deeper reason that you feel insecure, are your needs being met by him?

 

Either he is cheating or you are just suspicious, both are symptoms that something is not going well on a deeper level. Look for that and forget about phonecalls, shoes and jewelry, they are distracting you.

[Wiseman2]

Let him take his own car. Let him be responsible and get his car registered,etc. Sorry but you are not legally married and "what's mine is his and what's his is mine" is incorrect financially and legally. As far as your bf "acting single" leaving your stuff in the car instead of him having boundaries and using his own car is silly and ineffective.

at the moment I am not working, and I have the "better" car between the two of us. Plus his tags are expired.I also do know he will cheat if he is going to cheat, regardless if I leave my stuff in my car.

[Mama2015]

No he had never told me he was going to give her a ride, I found out by going through his phone.

[Mama2015]

I do also think if he was cheating, he wouldn't be texting her in front of my face where I can see what they are talking about. I am a jealous person and haven't gotten jealous before over little stuff such as him liking another girls picture on Instagram (stupid, I know). I've gotten over that. But I've never had to deal with another woman being apart of his everyday life. I guess that's what is causing the jealousy. It's just been me and him for so long

[Mama2015]

I know it's not legally correct that what's mine is his what's his is mine, but we are coming up on 4 years together. I'm a long term relationship that's kind of how it becomes. Especially if you live together, but I get what you're saying