If You Love Her, Hold Onto Her For Dear Life

[iggyc84]

It was February the 19th, 2013. A day I'll never forget. A girl I considered the luxury Maserati of all women and I were an item, after a blissful three months of friendship.

 

I can without a doubt say it was one of the happiest days of my life. I was 29, young and fit. She was 23, smart, funny, sexy, driven intelligent- you name it. This was perfection, in human form. I could talk to her for 5 minutes and forget the rest of the world. I remember the day she told me she loved me. I was on a cloud. I'd hit the jackpot. Seriously. No joke, or exaggeration.

 

The relationship blossomed into a beautiful flower. We both started saving for properties. I moved in with her and her parents. Suffice to say, her family imparted all their knowledge onto me. Taught me everything they knew about the theory of life, running a household, building a family, saving money. I was in the hospital for the birth of her niece, a golden, super-intelligent child, easily the love of the entire family. I was close with her, her parents, sister and brother in law.

 

At some point though, I became complacent. Focused on myself, furthering my career. I was getting stressed at work too, and developed some really unhealthy addictions. Conversation between us declined steeply. We both gained a lot of weight, and I stopped putting in effort. Her grandmother succumbed to dementia, declining rapidly. Work wasn't going well for her either and she was constantly butting heads with her bosses. It's fair to say she was stressed, and I wasn't stepping up to the plate and helping, so self absorbed I was. Her bosses failed to recognised her brilliance and stunted her professional growth. Regardless, she put in 150%, and never backed down, such was her determination and one of the qualities I admired most in this magical woman. I stopped doing special things for her. I ignored and shunned the creative, romantic side of my brain that only wanted to give & love. She became angry & moody, I didn't know why at the time.

 

Eventually, as people do when they stop receiving the emotional and physical attention they deserve, they cut their losses. She broke up with me in September 2015 after almost 3 years. The worst day of my life to date. Easily. No understatement. My dreams and hopes for us torn asunder. For months, I couldn't feel. I was a broken shell of a man. I'd been lazy, weak and complacent for the later half of the relationship, and I was getting exactly what I deserved. I read an article, by Bryan Reeves"Choose Her Every Day Or Leave Her", which resonated deeply within me.

 

I'm not allowed to post URLs here but if you search for the title in Google, you should find it easily enough.

 

One line in particular stood out to me-

 

"Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship."

 

The size of the gaping hole in my heart can't be understated. She was so good to me, post breakup. Tried to make it easy for me, didn't upset me, not even once. We agreed to be friends and for months, we tried to make the friendship work. I did some truly foolish things towards her in that time, stemming from my non-readiness for the friendship. These foolish acts pushed her away, and I was scared I'd pushed he too far.

 

Then, finally, for about 3 months, we didn't speak. No phone calls, no messages, not a word. I was worried for her, she was on my mind, always. I hoped work was getting better and her grandmother was okay. I'd get depressed thinking about her and the tough time she was going through, but especially as I realised what I'd done to lose her. I tried to get over her by hating her, and then ended up hating myself for doing this. Hating her was a coping mechanism I believed was ultimately beneath me and I lost self respect for resorting to such a method. My irrational side believed she could somehow read my hateful thoughts and would know about them. I look back on those feelings now, and laugh at their irrationality.

 

Eventually, a month or so ago, our mutual friend told me she was going through some deep stuff and I should contact her. So, eventually, feeling ready to move on, I contacted her. We spoke, and agreed to make the friendship work. A last ditch effort. And it started working. It was earlier this year that she also found out she is gay, and eventually told me and her parents who were raised in the old Soviet Union. Homophobia among that community is rampant. But her parents supported her fully, without bias. She said it was the hardest thing she had to do, and was afraid of hurting mine and their feelings. She also said what a pleasant surprise it was that everyone reacted with only love & support. I still think the world of her, and respect her deeply as a friend and a person. She also said work had taken a turn for the better, and realising she was gay had put a lot of things in perspective for her.

 

Strangely, I was relieved. I ultimately wanted her happiness. And knowing things were finally looking up for her gave me a sense of peace. She started inviting me to things again, her housewarming being one of those things. Her mum and sister would be there. I wasn't sure how it would go, or whether the whole experience would be awkward. Luckily, it went swimmingly well. A great and fun night. Her and I spoke one on one, we caught up, she answered all of my probing questions, all of which helped to give me closure and put me at peace with the entire situation. I heard how well her niece was developing- my heart melted. She asked me if I wanted to see the kid again, my soul was singing. I spoke to her parents and told them how much I appreciated all they'd done for me.

 

But then, it was time to go home. I came home, and sat on the couch, played some music, chilled out, that sort of thing. And then the crying started. Great, big sobs that shook my entire body. Seeing her had brought back feelings that had long been dormant inside me. The feeling of loss and regret was overwhelming, I've never felt anything like it. I couldn't contain it. It felt like there was a great, big volcano inside of me that was erupting, but couldn't find an avenue of release. I didn't know where to go, or what to do with myself. Her anger and moodiness made sense to me now. When talking to me and telling me her concerns failed, this was the culmination of her pain & distress, which I ultimately ignored. What an absolute and utter fool I had been.

 

What had happened if I'd listened when I was meant to, and not been so foolish? My desire to turn back time has never been more real. The lesson to be learned here is final and absolute- if you love her, choose her everyday and hold onto her as if your very ability to breathe depends on it. Find a way to listen if she complains, even if it's the last thing you do. It's a sign of something deeper that you must address as soon as possible. Complacency and miscommunication has no place in a relationship, and if you love her, nothing will ever be too difficult.

 

Please, never, ever make my mistakes. Having to realise what I did is a feeling I wouldn't wish on anyone.

[Sportster2005]

She was gay all along. Holding on to her was never going to work or change the outcome.

 

This too shall pass. There will be other and better adventures. You might want to consider completely cutting her out of your life. It will help you heel and move on.

[limichelle]

It wasn't that you lost her it's just you never had her to hold onto to begin with because of her being gay.

There is someone who will walk into your life one day and make you better understand why your relationship failed.

We can't always keep the ones we love in our grasp, time is flawed that way!

 

I wish you a good healing process and the start of a new friendship with her. At least you have that in your life.

 

Lisa