Co-worker acting really weird (what's her deal?)

[JonesSmith]

I have a new co-worker since a couple of months. When I met her my long term relationship had been slowly dying for months, maybe longer. She was assigned to work with me one day a week and we're in similar fields. It seemed we hit it off immediately, as friends I think, I soon started liking her a bit (nothing too serious though). She briefly mentioned something about her boyfriend once or twice a week (when it was relevant to the conversation) and I mentioned my girlfriend. Then as time went on we started to have deeper conversations, teasing, joking, etc... but we were still not seeing each other outside of work. I really liked her intelligence and conversation skills. At one point she made a comment about her boyfriend that I didn't go into but I suspected meant she wasn't feeling like she had enough in common with him (just like I felt about my girlfriend). I then went on vacation and decided to break it off with my girlfriend soon.

 

When I got back from vacation my co-worker was ice and ice cold towards me (verbally and in terms of body language: crossed arms, etc...) and since I had started liking her quit a bit by now and was already feeling pretty badly because of the decision I had made I basically crumbled and spend the rest of the workweek being nervous and quiet. My co-worker also became very nervous and quiet around me. That weekend I broke up with my girlfriend and the next week I told my co-worker about it when we were assigned to work together in the same office room. She immediately told me she was having similar troubles with her boyfriend (and in later conversations it really sounded similar to my own experience) and we spent the day like we were completely comfortable around each other again. Then the next day her nervousness and negative body language were back, she really seemed to be avoiding me.

 

Since then it's gone back and forth like this for a couple of weeks: she'll open up and tell me very personal things (quite often things we have in common) when for some reason I can get her alone and talk for a while, but she does have boundaries and I'm certainly not running around doing favors for her or begging for her attention so I know I'm not friendzoned. We'll also have lively discussions about politics and our ideals and views on things (we have a lot in common even if it's not exactly apparent on the outside). But otherwise she'll come talk to me maybe once or twice a day, always starting the conversation with something work related, sometimes I do wonder if she really needs my help with those things (that she could have emailed me/found the answer herself/held her question for some other time) but that could just be me seeing ghosts. Her whole face will sometimes becomes red when I'm near her, she'll fidget like crazy and she'll sometimes act like a random third person is suddenly the most interesting thing in the world. On the bad days she will kep a physical distance from me, on the good days she'll let me get close and will smile. She will sometimes glance at me, sometimes looking down when I look back. She'll often keep her arms crossed and can't keep standing still, even when I make her laugh (which I do a lot, but it's not like she'll laugh at every lame joke). I now know she's been with her boyfriend since she was a teenager and so has zero experience with adult courtship rituals, this has given me some more confidence so I don't reflect her nervousness as much as I used to, but it still seems like a power struggle at times, depending on who's sitting/standing, who walked up to who and who's in a more confident mood. She's usually pretty outgoing but I know she has a nerdy/dorky side to her (I'm the same) that she doesn't like showing in public, or really to anyone at work, even

the other women (who all find me a fun guy to hang out with, some probably more than that), except me. I know girls with a similar level of physical attractiveness to her have liked me in the past (while I had much less in common with them than with her) and I know from an old facebook picture her boyfriend looks a bit like me, so at least it's not like she's way above my league in that regard. I'm slowly meeting and talking to other girls (I've hinted at this to her) because I feel I shouldn't get too obsessed with her antics but so far she's head and shoulders above any other girls I know, so it's hard...

 

To give a typical example of this cycle:

 

The bad: The day before yesterday I went for lunch with a group of co-workers, she happened to go at the same time. We all took the same elevator and when I stepped in her whole face turned red and she literally stepped to the side to hide away from me behind another co-worker's back. She then treated everyone at the table as if they were the most interesting people in the world though I saw her quickly glance at me twice from the corner of my eye. She ignored me for the rest of the day except at the end of the afternoon she came by my office and talked about something work related. All the while very anxious, ouching her throat, shifting her feet.

 

The good: early yesterday morning we had to go get another co-worker from another floor together. This meant 1-on-1 contact that she couldn't avoid and she repeatedly asked me questions even though I was giving short answers because I was a bit mad at her for het antics the day before. But then I engaged her and she seemed friendly and a bit less nervous, even joking a bit. When I walked past her office afterwards I saw her secretly glance at me (only her eyes moved), but I was glancing myself from the corner of my eye and I'm pretty sure she noticed. At lunch we actually talked for a few moments and she didn't seem to avoid me anymore. Then in the afternoon we had a meeting with on (much older and definitely not her type) co-worker and she actually dared to sit next to me, was friendly, warm, had her legs faced to me under the table even while talking to our co-worker, she played with her necklace. Then we had more conversation on the way back and she hesitated when we walked past my office. We struck up a conversation with another co-worker in my office (also much, much older and definitely not her type) and this went on for half an hour during which her and I cracked a lot of jokes, teased each other, smiled at each other, stood close to each other, etc...

 

I have two competing theories slugging it out in my head:

 

1) For some reason she just doesn't like me "like that", but she knows I like her and wants me to back off, on the good days and/or when I talk to her for a while she thinks I'm over her and she'll open up because she does like me as a person. The occasional glance from her is her checking to see if "that guy who just doesn't get the hint" is still looking at her.

 

2) She does like me "like that" but is very awkward since she's basically still a teenager when it comes to courtship and she is feeling guilty/confused because she still cares for her boyfriend in some way. When I talk to her for a while 1-on-1 I get her out of her shell. The occasional glance from her betrays her interest.

 

I need answers/insights/closure, at the very least so I can defuse the tension (I still need to work with her for a couple of months) or know how to handle this sort of thing if I meet someone else like this. And yes, I am aware that it's not wise to chase after a girl who's taken (even when her relationship probably won't last), so I'm not chasing her, and am actually hitting on other girls outside of work but I don't really like them so that only works as a temporary distraction.

[Wiseman2]

Discussing relationship problems with people you have a crush on, is a slippery slope. Is she still involved with her bf? This theory makes the most sense 6543239] she is feeling guilty/confused because she still cares for her boyfriend in some way.

[SooSad33]

1) She IS your co-worker. is best to NOT get involved.

2) you are BOTH dealing with broken relationships. How 'good' is that?

 

YOu were in a LTR, which has now ended? I suggest you back off & give this gal some respect & air.. to work on her own Life and see her as no more than a friend.

 

I suggest you take some 'down time' to yourself for a good 3+ months to get back to yourself emotionally & mentally before even thinking about moving on & dating again.

 

There's way too many people out there who are so not over their past, broken relationships, who are just using others for sex or emotional pillows with nothing to

'give'.

[JonesSmith]

Discussing relationship problems with people you have a crush on, is a slippery slope. Is she still involved with her bf? This theory makes the most sense

 

She took the initiative to talk about her relationship problems to me (or did you mean I'm like a crush to her?) and has since brought it up again herself, it seems to be growing apart/lacking common interests that's the problem (just like in my relationship). She said they wondered if they still loved each other romantically (instead of just caring for each other) and that they had talked about "taking a break", I told her I thought that was for people who haven't gathered the courage to make a clean break (I really believe this, I wasn't sabotaging), and she didn't protest, just stared at me for a couple of seconds. She's still with her boyfriend and we haven't talked about it in two weeks (mainly because we haven't had extended 1-on-1 time, there were always people interrupting or sitting nearby).

[j.man]

Where do you people work? I'd love to have this kind of time on my hands.

[JonesSmith]

1) She IS your co-worker. is best to NOT get involved.

2) you are BOTH dealing with broken relationships. How 'good' is that?

 

YOu were in a LTR, which has now ended? I suggest you back off & give this gal some respect & air.. to work on her own Life and see her as no more than a friend.

 

I suggest you take some 'down time' to yourself for a good 3+ months to get back to yourself emotionally & mentally before even thinking about moving on & dating again.

 

There's way too many people out there who are so not over their past, broken relationships, who are just using others for sex or emotional pillows with nothing to

'give'.

 

Her contract will end in a couple of months (which is also why I can't just wait for months), so the co-worker thing isn't really an issue (I also think people in general are way too old fashioned about dating co-workers: if you're single after college and don't like any of your friends or friend's friends where else are you going to meet people with smilar interests? Bars and online dating? How's that better than going after a co-worker?)

 

I'm really not motionally or mentally devastated over my ex girlfriend, I sort of already went through all that while we were together and I was gathering the courage to break up. It's not just this co-worker: I've talked to other girls as well after my break up and am forcing myself to continue doing this even though they bore me. Of course you're right my co-worker could be completely devastated after she breaks up with her boyfriend, but right now she seems to take her problems as cool as I did right before I broke up. I'm already not chasing after my co-worker, I'm already giving her space, I don't even talk to her without some reason (like work-related or because we're sitting at the same table during lunch)

 

I'm not a big believer in letting great, compatible people go just because the timing isn't perfect because I know from experience that "plenty of fish..." is BS, at least when you're not looking for some standard run-of-the-mill "hot", or "sweet" girl. And I don't believe in some magical force that will make me meet "the one" at the "right" moment, real life love is much more messy and cruel. Having said that, I'm not going to sabotage her relationship. I just want to know what goes on in her head, even for work's sake I have to defuse the current tension.

[Wiseman2]

In that case tread lightly no matter what she initiates. So far you are in the friend-zone listening to her bf problems.

She's still with her boyfriend.

[JonesSmith]

Where do you people work? I'd love to have this kind of time on my hands.

 

Haha, it's an office job, an IT-research project.

[JonesSmith]

In that case tread lightly no matter what she initiates. So far you are in the friend-zone listening to her bf problems.

 

I don't think I'm in the friendzone, she's way too uncomfortable around me for that and doesn't tell me enough details (I think), plus I don't give her heaps of attention and sometimes do act a little annoyed towards her (because I sometimes am), which she senses, also she knows I can get and hold a girlfriend and that I do get looks from other girls, and not just the unattractive ones (she's seen this with her own eyes), but yeah, that is a risk I have to keep in mind. Thanks for not giving me a standard "you're a bad man for even thinking about it and a better girl will magically come your way just like in the movies, even though you know from experience how rare such girls are, if you just magically forget about her" answer.