Friendship problem please help

[HelpAware]

This is about a friendship problem. I was friends with a great person who helped me loads and I enjoyed talking to them. However, over time they became more moody, I never knew where I stood with them and found it hard to interact with them due to their responses.

 

I voiced my feelings and tried to think it would be okay but it got worse again and it was draining and taking a toll on me.

I never stopped caring about this friend but I am putting myself and my feelings first, I have learnt that lately.

I know she feels bad about this and she has tried to add me back, I just did it for a reason and I feel really torn because it was never about me not caring, I just put my own feelings first for maybe the second or third time in my whole life.

Please help with any words of advice. I really would appreciate it. Thank you.

[DoF]

I apply this to every single relationship (friends, family, acquaintance etc)

 

" If a person is not a healthy/positive influence on me, doesn't work hard on themselves to be the best person they can be OR works hard on me and push me to be the best person I can be, they are simply not worth being around"

 

Forget about your feelings and focus on what your friend is saying and how they are. Make a decision based on that. I always recommend making decisions with your emotion, they steer you blind and often make you ignore what's right in front of you.

[Wiseman2]

Good relationships always have good boundaries and exercising your boundaries is fine. Don't let guilt guide you or draw you back in.

was draining and taking a toll on me. I know she feels bad about this and she has tried to add me back, I just did it for a reason.

[JaredTheGhost]

Ok, first off if you value this friendship then tell this friend how you feel again. If you feel someone is giving you attitude in a message, re-evaluate the situation first before you jump to a conclusion. Everything can sound like an attitude through text if it's not worded right. When a friend of mine comes at me with an attitude, I back off for a while and give them space. Also, I let them initiate contact first after that, otherwise they won't hear from me. I don't appreciate attitude, but at the same time I look at it from their perspective and I try to accept everyone for who they are no matter what. So, tell her what's up and if she doesn't change her attitude with you, than she clearly doesn't care about your feelings and go from there.

[ParisPaulette]

What DoF said. If this person is trying to make amends then you explain why you stopped reaching out to them, you tell them you never stopped caring and you're willing to be friends again, but that you will not put up with X Y Z (whatever it is the friend was doing) and if it starts up again you are done. Otherwise you'll be happy to be friends again.

 

And you stick to that boundary, and if said friend does it again you end things for good and walk away. It's not that we can't and shouldn't care about people or have friends, but sometimes we have to remind people that just being in their proximity or close to them does not give them a license to treat us badly or however they want. And that there are consequences to that.

 

And the grown up way to handle that is to clearly and plainly address it and explain what your boundaries about that are. And maintain that.

 

If you can't do that then you can't really be a full-on friend or have relationships that are going to be and stay good, because those take work and speaking plainly. People are not mind readers and while it's nice to assume everyone else will have your standards and won't do what you wouldn't do, the reality is that most have to have it spelled out or to be reminded occasionally of what is or isn't acceptable in a relationship be it friend, coworker, lover or partner. All relationships and all people, no matter how wonderful need that sometimes.

 

So either speak up and let this friend know what's needed in order to be your friend again or back away and let them move on without you. It's totally your choice, not theirs. But me, that's what I would and have done and generally people in my life treat me pretty well and vice versa, because we all speak our minds and maintain our boundaries. And I do not let people who don't do that stay in my life, no matter how it hurts to let them go. It simply isn't worth it.

 

Decide which it is you want.

[DoF]

i apply this to every single relationship (friends, family, acquaintance etc)

 

" if a person is not a healthy/positive influence on me, doesn't work hard on themselves to be the best person they can be or works hard on me and push me to be the best person i can be, they are simply not worth being around"

 

forget about your feelings and focus on what your friend is saying and how they are. Make a decision based on that. I always recommend making decisions without your emotion, they steer you blind and often make you ignore what's right in front of you.

 

oops fixed