major setback

[jayceeanne]

Hi everyone, I havent been on here in a long time as my healing was coming along quite well. Here is a brief note on what had happened. My boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue back in October. He broke my heart with no explanation rather than he wasnt ready as he had just got out a marriage a few months earlier (first red flag i know!)

Anyways, I had a very tough time dealing with it. We went directly into NC mode. After 6 moths of no contact whatsoever, I was finally feeling like myself again! I didnt spend every single day thinking about him. Sure he would cross my mind, but thats as far as it went. Untill last week. It was my birthday. My stomach sank when I got that simple happy birthday message. I didnt know what to do. I knew I shouldnt respond, but then I thought that it would be rude if I didnt. Well let me tell you something, I wish I would have ignored it. It took me 6 hrs to respond with a simple thank you. From there, it was like we picked right back up as if nothing had happened. It was great to catch up with him, we ended up hanging out the next day, and yep you guessed it...had the dreaded EX sex. Every single feeling that I had managed to heal over the past 6 months came back. I didnt talk to him the next day at all. I couldnt believe how low I felt after realizing what kind of power this guy had over me. I had mamaged to let go of the relationship over that 6 months, but not of him. There is a big difference.

I ended up being the bigger person and told him I had to cut ties again. He then of coarse was shocked as he didnt expect that from me. I guess I just want others to know that NC is honestly the only way to heal. Remain that way untill you know for sure that you have let that person go, or you will be starting all over dealing with the same pain and heartache as if no time has gone by at all.

As I start my journey again this time, I feel stronger than I did before. Everyone makes mistakes, and sometimes you just have to learn the hard way.

[Wiseman2]

In a way...it's good this happened. Now you know that you can easily move on even after a sex-with-the-ex episode. It wasn't a mistake at all...it confirms that you made the right choices.

My boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue back in October. he wasnt ready as he had just got out a marriage a few months earlier. My stomach sank when I got that simple happy birthday message. we ended up hanging out the next day, and yep you guessed it...had the dreaded EX sex.

[DoF]

Sounds like a major step forward, and a minor setback to get to that major step forward.

 

I would worry NONE, MOST people learn the hard way (that's the reality/truth)

 

Keep up the good work!

[boltnrun]

Yeah, I did the ex-sex thing too.

 

Then I called him to ask what it "meant". He shot me down pretty quick, since I of course thought it "meant" we were back together or that he at least still had feelings for me. Nope.

 

I did the whole "How could you USE me like that! You KNOW how I feel about you!!!111" And he came back with "You were there, you could have said no. I NEVER said we were back together. I will NOT take responsibility for any of that."

 

And you know what? He was right.

 

After that I just stayed away from him. And, even though I loudly declared that I'd "love him FOREVER!!!111"...well, I didn't and I don't.

 

So, you're doing the right thing by staying away.

[Realitynut]

ummmm....I've made the 'mistake' now....ahhh...3 times. Last Wed.(after not seeing or hearing from him for 3 weeks) he popped over. (I texted him I missed him...he texted back I miss you...) Then wow...showed up at my doorstep.

 

Next day...I guess I can't come to your house, and you can't come to mine...cuz that always happens. And then he blamed me....for it happening.

 

The time before...he popped into my office. No texting from me...nothing...because the time before..........he said, never text or call me again.

 

That time, the sex was MY fault, cuz I put my hands down his pants.

 

But he wasn't to blame AT ALL.

 

Having sex with me....and then being with her 2 days later....and it happening MORE than ONE time...makes me realize what a weak and pathetic person I really am.

 

Good for you that it only happened once. Mine was all in a 6 week timeframe.

 

Hopefully in 6 months...I'll be stronger. And have moved on. But it sure doesn't feel like it now.

[boltnrun]

Realitynut, your posts make me so sad.

 

I have to wonder...why don't you care more for yourself?

 

Is it really THAT vital that you have a man in your life? No matter how shabbily he treats you?

 

I knew an attractive, professional woman of a certain age who was "dating" a guy I worked with. He was in his 50s, was making $8 an hour sweeping floors, she was constantly having to bail him out of jail because he kept getting into barroom fights, he was cheating on her constantly and had a drinking problem. Oh, and he spent his (very small) paycheck on himself while she paid all of the household bills and the mortgage on her home. I asked her why a woman like her, who was attractive and intelligent and had a great career, would be involved with a man like that. Her answer? "There's not much out there".

 

I know another woman (again of a certain age) who actually moved a homeless man into her house and tried to give him a "makeover" so that he would appear acceptable to her friends and family. Her reasoning? "I'm tired of being alone". Shockingly, that relationship foundered when she "discovered" he was a racist who would go on screaming rants about any ethnicity other than white, and who mysteriously kept "losing" jobs a couple of weeks after finding them, so she had to financially support him. She moved him in so soon that she had no way of really knowing him, but hey, she wasn't "alone"!

 

A third woman I know (yes, again of a certain age) was financially supporting her 'boyfriend" on her clerk's salary because he refused to work. He spent her modest paycheck on meth for himself and was "talking to" other woman while she worked. Her excuse? "Well, he's good-looking".

 

I don't understand, I'm also a woman of a certain age and I feel like if there's truly "not much out there", I'd rather stay single than attach myself to a man who treats me poorly or who takes advantage of me. I've had exes who treated me poorly in the past try to use me again, but (like Nancy Reagan) I Just Say No.

 

Realitynut, I just think there has to be a way for you to give your obvious loving and caring nature to someone who will return those feelings sincerely and who will truly appreciate you.

 

Jaycee, please don't ever settle for someone who isn't treating you well just so you won't have to be "alone". You seem to be on the right path, so don't let this little bump in the road deter you.

[Realitynut]

well, at least I haven't gone the 'homeless' route yet....