Okay, so I've just had a pretty painful break-up...

[James55]

So I was with someone for almost a year. We're at uni together (I'm in my mid-twenties, she's just hit 20) and I have to admit, I was crazy about her. For the best part of three months she was all I could think about, but I never expected that we'd get together. We did eventually, and I was her first proper boyfriend. Now, I admit that I've been a ty bf in the past; cheating and not contacting gfs was pretty much all I was about. It was different for this girl, she really did change me. I was attentive, thoughtful, caring, kind and romantic, and really just wanted to make her happy. She wasn't what I thought she would be. Even in the early days, things like messaging each other and dating seemed pretty slow and infrequent, though when it did happen it was really amazing. We got together, but she would still put other things before me, or surprisingly cancel on me at a moment's notice, which was pretty ty. I admit that there were a few times when I could also have made less of a big deal about things but, honestly, she really didn't show me the attention and love I showed her, despite her telling me that she felt it. I hung on for ages, going through sleepless nights and highly increased levels of anxiety and, would you believe it, she dumped me. Now it's been a little over two months, and (apart from the first week of begging etc, and a last night in bed together on what would have been our anniversary) there's been minimal contact. When there has been contact, I've been pretty cold towards her. I feel like I have every right to be angry with her, as I was the one who suffered the most throughout the relationship, yet I was also the one told I wasn't 'secure' enough and 'not right' for her and ultimately left devastated. To be honest, I can now see how ty the relationship was for me, and don't want to be in that place again. I'm now with someone else (it's definitely too soon, which is heartbreaking because this girl is literally perfection embodied, but I'd like to think it could work out if I treat it the right way) and feel like I'm doing a good job of getting over the ex. However, I still have days where she is all I can think about, and where all I want is to get her back. I'm even nervous about introducing new gf to friends etc for fear of hurting her (why should I care about hurting her? Yet I do!) and it's driving me mad. I want to be able to just completely erase her from my mind, though I know that's unlikely to happen any time soon as we have to see a lot of each other over the next year or so while we're still at uni. I still kind of hope that the day will come when she asks for me back, and though I don't know how I'd treat it if it did happen, I like to think I could look her in the eye, remember the agony that I'd suffered, and tell her where to stick it. What can I do? It now infuriates me that I even still think of her!

[James55]

the 'ty's are in place of the word 's**tty' btw

[SooSad33]

I agree with the fact you are NOT near over her yet.. and now you're trying to move on?

 

Do YOU thin that's a good idea to do this to another woman.. when you're not over the last one yet?

What exactly do you have to 'give' at this time? Not much, I'm sure.

 

You are still in mourning over the loss of someone you cared about & had feelings for. I don't feel you're in the right mindset to be getting involved again.. so soon!

For why? To get hurt again? Or to use this one as a 'rebound'.. then realise you just dont have it in you?

 

Why don't you admit to this one you are not ready at this time in your Life. That you has issue's and prefer to deal with them on your own...

Then take a good 6 months to yourself and deal wit this.. loss.

 

Nothing wrong with being single.

Then in time, when you DO start to feel better, you can then reach out & care for a new person the way she should be treated.. do you not agree?

[Wiseman2]

A great lesson here is that if you over-invest in a relationship like this, it never pays off. Keep relationships on a level playing field...or you'll lose or think you did.

I was with someone for almost a year. she really didn't show me the attention and love I showed her would you believe it, she dumped me. I feel like I have every right to be angry with her.

[James55]

I agree with the fact you are NOT near over her yet.. and now you're trying to move on?

 

Do YOU thin that's a good idea to do this to another woman.. when you're not over the last one yet?

What exactly do you have to 'give' at this time? Not much, I'm sure.

 

You are still in mourning over the loss of someone you cared about & had feelings for. I don't feel you're in the right mindset to be getting involved again.. so soon!

For why? To get hurt again? Or to use this one as a 'rebound'.. then realise you just dont have it in you?

 

Why don't you admit to this one you are not ready at this time in your Life. That you has issue's and prefer to deal with them on your own...

Then take a good 6 months to yourself and deal wit this.. loss.

 

Nothing wrong with being single.

Then in time, when you DO start to feel better, you can then reach out & care for a new person the way she should be treated.. do you not agree?

 

 

I think I do agree with this, but the person I'm now with is really something amazing, and I know that in another mindframe I'd be just as crazy about her as I was about my ex. It's kind of like I don't want my ex to get in the way of a possible shot at happiness, and I don't want to need time to get over her, when I think I could be happy now. This new girl does really make me happy, and she is literally everything I'm looking for, but my ex is still on my mind sometimes and I can't shake that. I'm not sure how things will play out with my ex, but I do know that I don't want anything to do with her anymore, I just kind of want the opportunity to be the one who says it's never going to happen, and I think if I got that then my new relationship would take on a whole new meaning. My ex left me feeling really low, and this new girl has just completely revitalised me as a person. The idea of hurting her in any way shatters me, and I don't think there's any reason why I shouldn't let something grow when I know what it could turn out to be, but I also know I wasn't as crazy about her as I was about my ex. With that in mind, I don't see why that's such a bad thing, considering how my previous relationship turned out. Part of me thinks this is the closest to a grown up relationship that I've ever been, and that it's not something I want to take for granted. I do wish I'd met her a bit later in my life, but there's not much I can do about that really.

[James55]

Yeah, that is the biggest lesson learned. The funny thing is that I can objectively see that it was a terrible relationship for me, but I think that the lack of control emotionally exhausted me, and that I probably hope to have that kind of control in my life back. I wish I hadn't over-invested like I did, but she continually told me she felt the same, though I did feel like it wasn't shown, and that told true in the end. I'm absolutely shattered by all of this, but a part of me just wants to say 'f**k it' and just move on from it all, but that's easier said than done I guess.

[Wiseman2]

True...when the dust settles and the head prevails again...it becomes clear. Emotional turmoil is very exhausting.... maybe that's the hardest part of break-ups?.

The funny thing is that I can objectively see that it was a terrible relationship for me, but I think that the lack of control emotionally exhausted me, and that I probably hope to have that kind of control in my life back.