Give me an outsiders view on this

[agaboo]

So, as documented in another thread on here ive recently been dumped from a 2.5 yr relationship. Im a couple of months out and still driving myself insane over things that happened and id like to get some outside views on it all really, from start to finish so could be a long read.....

We got together after she approached me and gave me the big come on, did the usual, went on a few dates and sussed eachother out, we got on great with her being incredibly keen, which flattered me alot, good looking girl going for me wow, i was top of the world!

Over the course of the first few dates the future and what i wanted out of life were talked about, did i want kids? Marriage? It was yes to both from me as thats what i ultimately want. We were both 29..

So we got together officially, the first few months were great, the honeymoon period always is isnt it?, lots of meals out little gifts etc etc, you all know the score.

After a few months of being together she decided she was going to rent a place, she had moved back to her mums after splitting with her fiancee, so wanted to get out of there. So off she went and rented a flat, unfortunately for me where it was located was a pain for me to get to work, so id stay over every weekend and go round maybe 3 nights a week to see her, but not stay during the week very often. Not ideal admittedly but we seemed to initially have the understanding that it was difficult for me to get to work from her place and she understood that.

This went on for quite a bit, id say we had been together maybe 12/14 months, during that time we had a couple of minor arguments about the living arrangements, and we'd said that we should get a place together, as it wasn't ideal.

During this time i had embarked on a rather large restoration of a car which was going to land me with a pretty sizeable bill when it was finished, so we had a chat about it and decided that as soon as the car was done we would look for a place. She understood that the bill could be bigger than i thought so was keeping my powder dry just incase it over ran.. which it did. Took around 5 months to get the car back out of the shop, longer than either of us had initially thought.

However its what happened during this period that really rocked the boat between us.

I knew she was a little upset that it was dragging on, but it wasn't really my fault, i was promised it would be done by such a date and it never was..i was just as frustrated at this as she was...

But during this time the arguments became more frequent, id get to her place and she'd burst into tears telling me she wanted to move as she hated the flat (there was nothing essentially wrong with it apart from i wasn't living there)

We'd argue, she would get all upset saying that she just wanted us to live together, that this was making her doubt how serious i was about the relationship, id explain that as soon as it was done we could look for a place no problem, that of course i loved her and wanted the same things, but just have a little patience.

During this time she phoned a friend of mine on a couple of occasions, in tears, quizzing him on what my intentions were, did i really love her, did i want marriage and children or had i been lying about it all...he naturally told her that yes of course i did, because thats the truth.

Anyway.. fast forward a couple of months, and the car is a couple of weeks off completion, id been on the phone every week to give them the hurry up, i wanted the car back and i knew it was making her unhappy that it was dragging on... because as soon as it was done and paid for we can house hunt together....

I get round to her flat one night and she bursts into tears and splits up with me, saying that its taking too long, she doesn't want to be stuck in the flat as she hates it, and she cant wait any longer for us to live together... wow.. massive kick in the nuts right?

So obviously i was gutted, we split for around 2 weeks, we were in LC over this period, and i managed to get her to agree to have a talk and sort things out...

We talk, she expresses her concerns that im not doing things as fast as she wants, i apologise and explain the situation again, i 100% want the same things you do, i love you, im gonna marry you and have children together, everything we both wanted..

Its then she tells me that she had been and put a deposit on a house, a house in an area that will double my commute time but half hers, a house where the company that built it have been on national tv exposed as rogue traders, its situated under the flight path for a city airport, right next to 2 very busy motorways, and nextdoor to a rugby stadium.. so not ideal. But i sucked it up, even though it was only a matter of weeks before we would have been able to house hunt together, she'd been out and done her own thing, and i could either like it or lump it, that was basically her attitude to it.

She moved in, and i moved in a couple of weeks later, id initially been open with my concerns about the house, i was honest, i didn't think it was the best area for us, as it was extremely inconvenient for my commute etc.. but i could overlook all that because i loved her, i was a bit annoyed that she'd just been out and done it with no thought about me but thats where we were at, and i loved her, so i will deal with it, no biggie...

 

Then the real pressure for a proposal started... we'd been together around 18 months at this point...

we'd discussed rough time frames in the past, talked about how we didn't want to be old parents and that she needed to stop worrying so much, i am fully aware of a females body clock and we would be embarking on marriage and parenthood way before this became an issue, i was thinking at 32yrs, reasonable soon i thought, we would have been together 3 years by then so that seemed a sensible schedule in my opinion?

She would begin to drop hints instead of sitting and having a proper conversation, hinting that i was taking too long, and that in her eyes that meant i didnt want it. She thought that because i didn't want to jump straight in and have a baby and get hitched asap that i wasnt commited, and nothing could be further from the truth, i just felt like i was being rushed, and pushed into it, i wanted us to have some nice time together before kids came along. This then became a bit of a viscous circle because whenever the subject came up, it was her raising it in a tearful/ overly emotional state, making me feel awful for not having already popped the question.

This background pressure began to spoil things for me, i began to feel depressed and went into my shell a bit, i felt like i was a terrible person making her wait, ruining her dreams, and like i was being terribly selfish, if anything it made me want to avoid the subject more because i knew the reaction would be tears and an argument, not a balanced conversation where we could decide when both of us were ready....

Anyway, as a result a few months after moving in together we have now split up for good. Her reasons are that she felt like we weren't going anywhere and we dont share the same goals in life, thati wasnt putting enough effort in to make her feel wanted and special.

So i guess im just trying to seek opinions on the following, because i feel so guilty atm, like ive been a terrible person ruining her dreams...

1. What is your take on the house? Would you go out and buy a property without your partner/ consideration for your partners needs and tell them to like it or lump it in the circumstances listed above? Her defence to this was we were on a break at the time..

2. If you'd made it clear that weddings/children are 100% what you want, are these fights/outbursts the norm from her? Would you feel like you had to reassure your partner every couple of months that your goals are still the same? And that she needs to stop worrying

3. Before we got together she was engaged, with the wedding booked and paid for with her ex of 8yrs. Do you think this has much bearing on how she was around the whole marriage/children subject with me?

4. Was my timeline unreasonable in your eyes? i would have been proposing around the end of this year, so would have been together 3yrs?

 

Just after opinions really, i know certain things i could have handled differently, nobody is perfect, but i just felt like i was under pressure for alot of the relationship and it began to feel like i had the world on my shoulders, and it showed.. i started showing signs of depression.

Ive tried to talk to her about all this but she doesn't see it, she doesn't grasp how her actions made me feel throughout the relationship, so... over to you... how do you guys see this honestly?

Thanks

[JA0371]

So....it seems like she has this problem with time constraints. What's with all the pressure to move in...to get married? Do you want to be with someone that burst into tears every time something doesn't go as she sees it in her own mind? If you have kids together, I could see her freaking out over the tiniest things. Or even micro managing the marriage.

 

Personally I would be relieved. It sounds like ALL she cared aout was being married. That's it. She was already engaged before you. So I think this is all about appearances for her...and don't be shocked to learn she gets engaged again after you.

 

Consider yourself lucky. Someone who lives you for you would have made it work, regardless of where you lived. Or would have been more understanding. This isn't about love. It's about control.

[agaboo]

Yeah thats right, a big problem with time constraints, whenever things would deviate from the schedule she had in her mind it would be a big issue. She was very uptight about that, whereas i am a more relaxed type that will roll with the punches.

Its hard for me because since we split she wont see me face to face, its been all texts and 1 phonecall.

Im by no means saying im perfect, i did things wrong, sure, but through mutual friends im hearing that sheis saying "all i wanted was to plan for the future" making it out like i was being very vague.

There was never any question mark over commitment for me.

Let me put it this way, specifically to females reading this....

If you talk with your man about such subjects, children/marriage etc and he makes it clear that he wants them with you and only you, that he loves you and he just wants you to be a little patient, to trust him, and he promises it will happen. Would you accept that, would it put your mind at ease about any lingering doubts you had??

Or every couple of months would you give over the impression that you were growing tired of waiting? Like he was holding you back from your dream?You tell me.

Towards the end i was worse than i thought, i was depressed, my sex drive was waining because of that and i just felt like my feelings on the matter were not taken into account.

[JA0371]

Yeah thats right, a big problem with time constraints, whenever things would deviate from the schedule she had in her mind it would be a big issue. She was very uptight about that, whereas i am a more relaxed type that will roll with the punches.

Its hard for me because since we split she wont see me face to face, its been all texts and 1 phonecall.

Im by no means saying im perfect, i did things wrong, sure, but through mutual friends im hearing that sheis saying "all i wanted was to plan for the future" making it out like i was being very vague.

There was never any question mark over commitment for me.

Let me put it this way, specifically to females reading this....

If you talk with your man about such subjects, children/marriage etc and he makes it clear that he wants them with you and only you, that he loves you and he just wants you to be a little patient, to trust him, and he promises it will happen. Would you accept that, would it put your mind at ease about any lingering doubts you had??

Or every couple of months would you give over the impression that you were growing tired of waiting? Like he was holding you back from your dream?You tell me.

Towards the end i was worse than i thought, i was depressed, my sex drive was waining because of that and i just felt like my feelings on the matter were not taken into account.

 

You were being emotionally bullied and manipulated, that's why you were depressed. If a guy I 'loved' asked me to be patient and assured me he loved me, then I would take it at face value. Unless he was acting shady.

[agaboo]

Thats very similar to what my friends have been telling me.. i just find it so hard to accept, guess they do say love is blind. What i do know is regardless of if its a lucky escape or not its torn my world apart atm....

[SooSad33]

"We talk, she expresses her concerns that im not doing things as fast as she wants, i apologise"

- SHE had huge control over all of this!

 

She showed much uncertainty, controlling, dis respect towards you.

 

"not ideal. But i sucked it up, even though it was only a matter of weeks before we would have been able to house hunt together, she'd been out and done her own thing, and i could either like it or lump it, that was basically her attitude to it. "

- yes, selfish & controlling. No respect for YOU.

 

"She would begin to drop hints instead of sitting and having a proper conversation, hinting that i was taking too long, and that in her eyes that meant i didnt want it. She thought that because i didn't want to jump straight in and have a baby and get hitched asap that i wasnt commited,"

- Crap. Darn right you were being rushed.

 

She seemed VERY insecure and far from 'stable' in my opinion.

You two were obviously NOT compatible at all and she needs to deal with a few issue's over there!

 

Sure.. one can propose after 3 years.. IF things were a LOT more stable & on happy terms.

 

Keep your distance.. do NOT bother talking to her anymore. Will NOT do you any good. Don't let her bring you down any further than she has already.

Time for you both to work on accepting it's done and work on healing from this mess and moving on with you life.

 

Good luck.

[Wiseman2]

Maybe it's time for NC? It seems to just be a continuing head you don't need.

Its hard for me because since we split she wont see me face to face, its been all texts and 1 phonecall. Towards the end i was worse than i thought, i was depressed, my sex drive was waining because of that and i just felt like my feelings on the matter were not taken into account.

[agaboo]

Soosad33... thanks for taking time to respond. I guess when you are in the moment you dont see things as clearly as you do from an outside point of view. My friends would say similar, that she was taking things too fast, that she was rushing me, but id just blame myself.

 

From my point of view i had a great caring girl that thought i was that good she wanted to get hitched. Which on face value seems a good place to be.

But the dynamic of the relationship said otherwise, i began to feel guilty that i wasn't up to the same speed she was, felt like a bad person for wanting to just put the brakes on a little bit and just calm it down a bit... this was seen as massive reluctance by her.

Even to this day i still feel guilty, still eats me up inside, thinking i should have jumped at it straight away, taken the plunge and never looked back, but i would always have felt like id been beaten into submission over it..... its not about winning and losing, just understanding where im coming from.

Here is a decent example of how differently we looked at things....

When she went ahead and bought her house, which i had no input into, we had a bit of a spat about it where i basically said i thought that it was a pretty selfish thing to do, seeing that it was a fair mission along a notoriously busy stretch of motorway for me to get to work.

She countered this by saying that if roles were reversed she wouldn't be moaning because she loved me and it wouldn't matter where we lived, she would deal with it.

However my counter argument to this was that the roles would never be reversed as i would never be so selfish as to put someone in that position in the first place. This was usually just met with the attitude that.. oh well its done now.... i found it incredibly frustrating that she could never recognise any wrong doing on her part.

[agaboo]

Ive gone NC now, after repeated attempts by me to sort things out, for all her faults i really did love her, and i could forgive her almost anything, its just frustrating that this wasn't reciprocated.

 

I suppose there isnt a right or wrong way to be dumped but how it happened was upsetting. We had an argument for 10mins, about how she couldn't do this anymore how she felt like we were just "coasting through life" and i left.

After a week i got in touch which she seemed extremely surprised at, saying she didnt think she would hear from me again. But there has been no face to face, just some texts and a phonecall.

 

And before you all say she is trying to spare my feelings etc ive heard it all before, it still doesn't take away the feeling for me that it isn't the "proper" way to do things. I wanted face to face.... not for an argument but because its a much more personal way of handling things... i like to look in someones eyes when we are discussing something important like this, not a screen on a phone.

[BlarneyStone]

Sorry this all happened to you, OP. It sounds like this is the type of chick who will constantly, and I mean CONSTANTLY test you to see what you're made of. She's out of an eight year relationship. She may be insecure. She may have trust issues. It's a red flag when a girl is always worrying about things that aren't a big deal. I mean, you yourself stated there was nothing wrong with the flat she was staying in. Some people just live for drama. I can't remember who it was on this forum, so I apologize for lack of credit on my part, but someone once said, "some people can't live without a problem. When there isn't one, they create one out of thin air."

[agaboo]

I do believe that she has certain issues that were carried over from her previous relationship. And sometimes that cant be helped but it isn't right to let them affect the next person.

I guess im feeling frustrated more than anything. Any issues we had were always down to me according to her, and sure i had my faults, who doesn't?

I could get complacent at times, but nothing to warrant the reactions i got.

I felt like there always had to be something going on.

She worked shifts and i work monday to friday so my only free time is the weekend, and anytime id have to do something other than spend time with her (which i loved doing of course) i would feel like a score was being kept.

Id encourage her sometimes to do her own thing, its not good to spend every spare hour in eachothers pockets... i dunno maybe im selfish but i feel thats reasonable.