Depressed boyfriend doesn't know what he wants

[cryingalways]

Hey guys, I'm back! (I realise this isn't a good thing but you've got to have a sense of humor about life)

So my very nice boyfriend has been suffering from depression for several months now. He's tried counseling and pills etc but won't stick with anything. It's been extremely difficult for us both. Today I asked if he wanted to break up (as I often do as he's so depressed it's hard to tell what he wants) and for the first time he said he didn't know. He said he's finding being in a relationship very hard as well as his whole life, and just wants to get far away from everything. I got very upset and he said I was making him feel bad about being honest, I explained I was just upset he thought he might want us to end as I love him, but he said I was just making him feel more depressed and that wasn't fair. It's a ridiculous argument I know...

Anyway, now I'm feeling quite lost and very upset. I obviously want him to not be depressed,and have been giving him space, understanding and support, but when he said that he doesn't think he's able to be in relationship...it upset me a lot. I don't know what to do now, but I do love him and I know I can't just be his friend. It would be too upsetting. Oh and also...we live together! So it's completely messing my life upside down... I'm happy to move out though, I honestly just want us to be ok...somehow. Phew..what a rant. Thanks for reading!

[bulletproof]

Today I asked if he wanted to break up (as I often do as he's so depressed it's hard to tell what he wants) and for the first time he said he didn't know. He said he's finding being in a relationship very hard as well as his whole life, and just wants to get far away from everything. I got very upset and he said I was making him feel bad about being honest, I explained I was just upset he thought he might want us to end as I love him, but he said I was just making him feel more depressed and that wasn't fair.

 

I think you need to stop asking him if he wants to break up. I don't think you're asking because it's hard to tell what he wants; I think you're asking because you are feeling insecure and need reassurance. If you are not depressed or suffering from any kind of mental health issue, be the stronger person and soothe yourself instead of expecting him to do it.

 

I also think that he's kind of right about it not being fair to ask a question and then getting upset when the answer isn't what you wanted.

 

However, he really needs to step up and stick to some kind of plan (meds, therapy, exercise, diet change, whatever). Only he can fix this.

 

I think you should just back off. Give him as much space as you can given your living situation. And tell him that you really don't want to stress him out and to let you know in a reasonable time frame (soon) whether he wants to continue the relationship or not. Don't wait around forever, and be strong while you're waiting (no crying, trying to get him to reassure you, etc.).

[Wiseman2]

Why are you goading him with rhetorical questions like this ? : "I asked if he wanted to break up as I often do as he's so depressed it's hard to tell what he wants". If you want to break up sincerely then state so. Yes toying with break-up talks is cruel, unnecessary and demonstrates poor communication skills. He's right...it's certainly not helping being taunted with chronic break-up talks.

my very nice boyfriend has been suffering from depression for several months now. He's tried counseling and pills etc but won't stick with anything.

 

Today I asked if he wanted to break up as I often do as he's so depressed it's hard to tell what he wants. He said he's finding being in a relationship very hard. he said I was just making him feel more depressed and that wasn't fair.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree that it is not fair to ask him a question then get upset by his answers.

 

Look, despite the advice you got you chose to move in with a depressed young man. This is who he is and you cannot change that.

 

You need to learn to accept his noncommittal nature, not seek assurance from him, and give him space. That's the breaks of being with a depressed person.

[Wryn]

I just broke up with my depressed bf three months ago. I guess I can share my story to you and give you some insights.

 

First of all, when he said he doesn't know if he wants to keep the relationship. He meant it I'm sure. Because he can't think clearly now. All of him has to deal with the depression. And he definitely have no energy to deal with the relationship thing with you. I trust that he still loves you. But he is getting confused day by day. It's the depression, not him. And he could get angry very easily and if you are the close one of him, he will leash out at you. You will wonder why he could be so normal with his friends or even still could go to work, so different from what we found on the internet said depressed people cannot work cannot socialize with people. That's because a lot of depressed people can hide themselves so well in front of strangers, or someone who are not close with them. It's weird but the worse he is treating you, means he trusts you more. It's very hard because all the bad words could be so hurting and you would wonder why you have to take this.

 

So I can tell you that it's not the hardest to get through the depressed episode. My ex boyfriend and I survived the episode. But we broke up after he is back to normal.

 

When he is in the depressed episode he actually needs you. But then when he is "well" after treatments, I'm not saying it is for every case, but for my case, my ex started thinking about leaving me. Most of it I think he doesn't want to burden me, he is so unsure about the future if he is going to have the relapse. And there is another reason: when he looks at me, stays with me, my existence reminds him of the worst moment of his life. It doesn't mean I made his life bad, but I make him remember, all the bad things, the depressions and the bad things that he did to me. I remind him the worst part of him that is the only thing that he wants to get rid of. So he decided to breakup with me.

 

I would say, try your best to stay with him. Be his biggest support. I didn't live with him and at that time he was in another country to receive treatments so I only contacted him once a week, to check on him, share some little things in my life with him. He would text me sometimes too. But I would say, my support of course made a big difference because I'm the one who encouraged him to get treatment. He even told me that one day after he is back and "healthy" at that moment, said thank you to me, if it's not me he couldn't live (he has severe depression he once wanted to commit suiside) So I would say to get through the episode you have to be sure you have so much love that you can love yourself for him, because he is not capable of doing it for this period of time. And treatment is very very important. So give him enough support that he will keep on the treatment (which is useful for him. It could be very hard to find one, my ex is treatment resistant and all medication doesn't work on him not even EMT)

 

And I am here to remind you, which is very important that my case could happen to you, that he will leave you when he is back to normal based on the reasons I mentioned. So you have to decide if you want to take this risk.

 

I'm still suffering. I cry almost everyday. I have depression after the breakup and I still can't find a way to get out of it. When I was still being with him I never understood what he said how he felt because of the depression. But know I know. It's way harder than you think to get out of it. And even people keep telling you it will end it will get better, you just don't see when, it's just like you are walking in a dark tunnel and you can never see the light coming from the end.

 

Hope what I said can help you.

[radiance]

Hi Crying, sorry to see that you're having a tough time. You shouldn't apologise for ranting though, that's what the forum is for!

 

I don't think your boyfriend wants to hurt you. Sometimes when people give advice on depression they don't understand that it's more than just feeling sad, it can completely take over your whole life. If he's been dealing with this for months, he must be exhausted. Also, there's many reasons people don't stick with ways to cope with depression - medication can have a lot of side effects and some people don't feel comfortable with counselling if they're not very open with their emotions anyway.

 

I think he's tried to be honest with you, and although the answer hurts, you shouldn't criticise him for that. Maybe you should speak to him, tell him you understand how he's feeling and let him know you'll support him in whatever decision he makes. After all, there's no point forcing him to stay in a relationship if he finds it more of a trigger for his depression than something to make him happier. It'll only make things worse and make him resent you.

 

I hope you both get through this okay.

[limichelle]

Hi,

 

I have been there unfortunately. My ex and I ended our relationship after trying to make it work the last three years of a ten year relationship. Unfortunately when he tells you he doesn't know if he can handle a relationship he does mean it. It's hard having something that is a mental illness of any type take over your being. It's nothing personal and it doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

 

What I learned is that you have to give space and sometimes it ends. You don't want to get so over emotionally exhausted yourself trying to wait for him to come out of this.

 

I made the mistake of lingering for three years and I was praying and hoping for a cure. It turns out the solution was removing me from the picture because he just can't handle a relationship of any kind.

 

I'm sad but I'm happy knowing he is happier being on his own which makes me happy to be happy.

 

Don't blame yourself either!

 

That's another thing that took its toll on me and took eight months to come out of.

 

Best of luck, sending you hugs!

 

Lisa

[cryingalways]

Thanks for all of your advice. I understand now I shouldn't have been asking him to make decisions about our relationship in the way I did. He has however disappeared from the flat and mentioned something about going abroad to "get away from everything". I'm now really upset because I don't know what he's thinking or where we stand etc. I guess I may not have known that if he'd stayed too and should just give him space. I just love him so much and I know he's struggling so it's very hard to be so out of the loop. He has apologied a couple weeks back about how he's been with me and said he wanted things to get better and kept being really worried I was going to break up with him. So his mood changes a lot. I'm the only person he talks to about his feelings and I know we have a strong bond. He's just all over the place and is pushing me away now. It's so amazingly hard.

[Wiseman2]

He may need a change of scene. Perhaps he wants to stabilize how he feels without the added stress of conflicts, instability and the relationship hanging by a thread...ready to be dropped like a hot potato at any moment. The good part is you realized that you need to find solutions and communicate in relationships, not constantly threaten to break-up.

He has however disappeared from the flat and mentioned something about going abroad to "get away from everything". He kept being really worried I was going to break up with him.

[cryingalways]

He came back and things are ok. He's just still very depressed and keeps leaving town. Not sure what to do really, other than get on with my life and hope he feels better some day I suppose. It's all not ideal for anyone involved, but I'm not bringing up our relationship etc for a good long while as it's too much stress to lay on him and we seem to be getting along ok.