No Contact - A reflection

[mrsin627]

So I'm on day 29 of No Contact right now (with the exception of the brief run-in that I posted about 8 days ago). I'm not unhappy or depressed per se because I have a great life and a lot to be thankful for. My "stages of grief" are more cyclical than progressive, I can cycle through them all in my head in one single train of thought and still end up back at the beginning with denial and hope for reconciliation.

 

The reflection process of No Contact made me revisit a moment from my past... one of my darkest moments. A moment that I briefly referenced in the thread about the girl whose boyfriend texts/calls 50 times back to back with no response.

 

About 12 years ago is when I experienced my first "adult" relationship. This was when I learned that becoming a couple was a lot more than just "oh we held hands in the hallway" or "we made out in a movie theater," etc... I lost my virginity to her, thought I was in love and was fully invested in her, only problem is that she felt far from the same and we were never officially boyfriend/girlfriend. To me I was a distraction from her breakup with the guy that she would ultimately end up marrying. She relied on me to be the stable guy that was there for her to come back to when she got bored of the other guys (which were also just distractions)... btw, her behavior towards me is an example of how NOT to behave in No Contact, because you are putting another person's emotions on the line... however... I won't use that to justify my actions, which were also bad.

 

Anyway... this went on for a couple years, and on new years eve bringing in 2007, I learned through social media (Myspace actually if you remember those days) that there might be another guy in the picture and I was pretty sick of it... drove out to her apartment and confirmed it through the window and threw a rock at it (not in an attempt to break it, but rather as an indication that I caught her). Not long after I got a phone call from the police department, luckily the guy that called was actually sympathetic towards me and there was never an official police report filed, but I was told not to contact her anymore (which I didn't listen to the first time).

 

In this situation no contact was legally imposed and as upset as I was, I wasn't going to risk it... a little under a year later I received a text message from her and she asked me to come out and meet her for dinner and the next night she asked me to go to her apartment and hang out... she started inviting me over a lot actually and we started going to parties together again. I don't think the intent was to date again because she was still dating her now husband (and if it was her intent, I wouldn't have), but my current situation has made me think about this a lot. This girl saw me at the absolute worst I've ever been, she allegedly sat in her kitchen on new years crying because she thought I was going to kill all of them (which if you knew me is actually pretty preposterous) and not even a year later she wanted me back in her life... I became the guy that she would secretly hang out with because after telling her friends and family that I went psycho she didn't want them to know that she screwed up too. All has been forgiven and while our friendship didn't stand the test of time, I have seen her a couple times since then without a problem.

 

1.) This reminds me of the reflection that needs to happen during no contact (on both ends) 2.) This reminds me just how great of a guy I am and to keep my head up in my current situation.

 

Flash forward to today... I'm in a self-imposed no contact with the girl I (still) want to marry and have kids with. I'm the first guy she introduced to her family (after her divorce) and the only guy that has ever met her daughter (besides her ex-husband of course). In the breakup I told her that I think her reasons for ending the relationship are very easy to work out as a couple, but also told her that I respect her decision and wouldn't do anything to make her or her daughters life uncomfortable. Unlike the previous situation this girl has only seen me at my best and has already seen how much her daughter loves me.

 

I obviously can't say what the outcome will be (the thing that works the most in my favor also happens to be the thing that works the most against me), but I like being able to compare the situations to see how far I've grown as a person in this time.

[Wiseman2]

You've come a long way. A voluntary no contact is sure better than a restraining order.

So I'm on day 29 of No Contact right now. I'm in a self-imposed no contact with the girl I (still) want to marry and have kids with. In the breakup I told her that I think her reasons for ending the relationship are very easy to work out as a couple, but also told her that I respect her decision and wouldn't do anything to make her or her daughters life uncomfortable.

[SooSad33]

I second that.

Good for you.. yes, is best to stay away... respect & space.

 

So far, I have never seen a positive outcome from contact, after a BU.

[shiner501]

I second that.

Good for you.. yes, is best to stay away... respect & space.

 

So far, I have never seen a positive outcome from contact, after a BU.

 

Agreed entirely. Look at the mess of my own situation, three break ups and reconciliations and she still dumped me. Three weeks into NC now.

 

I'm battle hardened now. So the way I view it? If a person breaks up with you, even for the first time, it means they fail to see the relationship as something worth saving and that you are a bad smell in their life - why would it be ending were this not the case? Be realistic! A synapse has gone off in their head that says "I'm better off without you" or "I want to be with someone else other than you" (both those statements are in effect the same thing). So even at the first breakup, the ice has cracked and the whole edifice of the relationship is fatally damaged. Rarely does giving second and third (sometimes numerous) chances lead to a long term, happy and fulfilling relationship built on mutual trust. Let's say our dream comes true and you get back together.... The dumpee will always be on tender-hooks thinking "will they dump me again". You'll be terrified of the slightest disagreements that even healthy relationships have because you'll be wondering "will they dump me again" The whole relationship dynamic is holed below the waterline and the ship will surely sink. It is just a matter of time.

 

I'm sorry for portraying such a vivid and bleak outlook. I am a romantic and belive in love. But I speak from experience. You have to see things realistically as they are, not a disney world where we'd like them to be.

 

Despite all this, good luck, I hope it works out for you.

[mrsin627]

Thanks for the post. It's a very up and down situation for me. Not progressive AT ALL... Some days I am able to accept it and others I'm not, but luckily I am able to prevent contact either way.

 

I know with certainty that she will NOT contact me whether she wants to or not, it's the type of person she is. Very stubborn... Example: we met through match and she would NOT be the person to initiate contact, she would visit my page and like a picture or "wink" at me and after 6 weeks of it I finally sent her a message. She wouldn't be the first to say "I love you" and insisted that she was in love with me 3 months before I actually said it, but it's "the guys job" to say it first.

[Wiseman2]

That's a good thing less work if she doesn't bother you and you can peacefully move on with no contact.

I know with certainty that she will NOT contact me whether she wants to or not, it's the type of person she is.