Feeling guilty about giving "consequences" for disrespect in relationship

[lostlove76]

Hi. My first thread details the on/off nature of my almost-2-year LDR (it just turned long-distance a few months ago), so it's there if you need the backstory. I'm not asking whether I should stay with this guy or not. I got some great feedback in the first thread, and I'm currently mulling things over. I really just want to ask about a specific situation, as it will give me insight on how to deal with similar occurrences in the future.

 

Short context:

Bf generally calls every other night, but will periodically go for days without calling (which REALLY upsets me), and he rarely answers when I initiate. He's always been this way, with me and everyone else, it's how he is (introverted, independent, self-centered). But I feel, as his girlfriend, that it's uncaring and disrespectful. I quit talking to him a couple weeks ago over this very issue, because he went almost a week without calling; he called a ton and apologized and we smoothed things out. Last week he called more often than usual, so he did improve afterwards.

 

Current situation:

He's asked me before why I never initiate, and I've told him it's because he never answers. So Saturday night I thought okay, I'll call him for once. He didn't answer, as per usual, and didn't call me back at all. He had to work midnight shift, and I called at 8:30pm. If it was an isolated incident, I could think okay, he was just sleeping or whatever. But it's the saaaame thing as always, and I have a lot of resentment and distrust built up over this whole calling issue. So when he tried to call last night, I gave him a taste of his own medicine and didn't answer. He called over 10 times and texted 3 times, and I ignored. This evening I sent a brief text just saying sorry, I was asleep, I tried to call you Saturday. No reply, of course.

 

Was it wrong of me to use this kind of "consequence"? If so, HOW do I go about letting him know it's not okay to rarely answer my calls or not call for days? I've tried talking about it calmly and telling him how it makes me feel, I've tried getting angry and fussing at him, I've tried ignoring him for lengths of time. I'm feeling very guilty for not answering because I know it was a mean passive-aggressive move, but I really don't know what else to do.

[Sarah Whittle]

Giving him a 'taste of his own medicine' is passive aggressive and will backfire. If you can't have a straight forward conversation with him about how his actions affect you, then you need to reconsider the maturity of your relationship.

[lostlove76]

Sarah:

Thank you for your comment. I've tried straight-forward many many many times (ETA: and nothing ever changes). I've read that if a guy isn't calling enough, don't be so available when he does call. So I guess that's what I was going for, just to show him how it feels and make him feel like everything can't be on his terms.

 

But I think you're right, and I've been feeling all day like I probably should have answered. I do worry that it's going to backfire.

[annie24]

Generally, most of the couples I know who have been in long-term, long-distance relationships and who have survived it have daily call times and they stick to it. My friend (the one I told you about before) with the boyfriend in australia, they have a daily call time. If she is out at a party or whatever, she still takes his call. She just goes into another room and talks to him for a while. Other couples might watch the same movie at the same time, or cook the same meal at the same time and share it over Skype.

 

I think it just goes back to that this man isn't providing for you what you want or need to feel secure. You shouldn't waste your time on him.

[hazel125]

Hi. My first thread details the on/off nature of my almost-2-year LDR (it just turned long-distance a few months ago), so it's there if you need the backstory. I'm not asking whether I should stay with this guy or not. I got some great feedback in the first thread, and I'm currently mulling things over. I really just want to ask about a specific situation, as it will give me insight on how to deal with similar occurrences in the future.

 

Short context:

Bf generally calls every other night, but will periodically go for days without calling (which REALLY upsets me), and he rarely answers when I initiate. He's always been this way, with me and everyone else, it's how he is (introverted, independent, self-centered). But I feel, as his girlfriend, that it's uncaring and disrespectful. I quit talking to him a couple weeks ago over this very issue, because he went almost a week without calling; he called a ton and apologized and we smoothed things out. Last week he called more often than usual, so he did improve afterwards.

 

Current situation:

He's asked me before why I never initiate, and I've told him it's because he never answers. So Saturday night I thought okay, I'll call him for once. He didn't answer, as per usual, and didn't call me back at all. He had to work midnight shift, and I called at 8:30pm. If it was an isolated incident, I could think okay, he was just sleeping or whatever. But it's the saaaame thing as always, and I have a lot of resentment and distrust built up over this whole calling issue. So when he tried to call last night, I gave him a taste of his own medicine and didn't answer. He called over 10 times and texted 3 times, and I ignored. This evening I sent a brief text just saying sorry, I was asleep, I tried to call you Saturday. No reply, of course.

 

Was it wrong of me to use this kind of "consequence"? If so, HOW do I go about letting him know it's not okay to rarely answer my calls or not call for days? I've tried talking about it calmly and telling him how it makes me feel, I've tried getting angry and fussing at him, I've tried ignoring him for lengths of time. I'm feeling very guilty for not answering because I know it was a mean passive-aggressive move, but I really don't know what else to do.

 

Hey I'm sorry to hear about your situation and I thought I'd give my perspective on things since I'm a male and act similar to your boyfriend. I've never really liked social media or texting and normally onl talk on the phone when I have time. I've been like that my whole life and I've ruined some good relationships because I rarely communicated over text and took time to answer back. Idk about your boyfriends job but back at my old job years ago I worked 12 hour shifts during the day for 6 days then it'd flip and be overnight. It made me tired and never had a proper sleep schedule so when I had free time I often slept or hung with family(hense it ended My relationship years ago). Well I quit that job and got a new one with better time and hours so I could have time for a relationship but when I go into a New relationship I still struggled with replying and texting. I eventually figured out it wasn't my job, it was me. I just really never thought of it as too important and I thought as my gf, she'd understand but all it did was push her away.

She did something very smart, basically we met up and she laid it all out. Either I try and communicate or she leaves, she wasn't leaving becAuse she wanted to but I gave her no choice. So we came up with a schedule(silly I know) at least giving her 2 hours out of the day to talk on the phone and it worked and we actually became a lot closer because I realized how much I loved having a real conversation with her.

 

I think although you not answering purpose was wrong, I understand why you did it. I think you need to have a face to face conversation and plan something better for communicating

[lostlove76]

Thanks, Annie. This nails it: "I think it just goes back to that this man isn't providing for you what you want or need to feel secure." I'm kind of on my way out the door if things don't change fast. Just feeling really guilty for not answering last night when he was trying so hard. It was mean of me.

[Densel]

I felt guilty of the same thing too.

My ex girlfriend was rude to me in front of her friends.

And so I did the same and in fact more rude to her in front of her friends. I was really pissed off to why she would be so rude and act like it's nothing wrong.

 

So this might be one of factors she left me for someone else.

 

Currently 6 months broken up. But the guilt inside me is eating me up.

 

I would suggest to talk it out. Don't let any unhappiness bottles up.

[lostlove76]

Hey I'm sorry to hear about your situation and I thought I'd give my perspective on things since I'm a male and act similar to your boyfriend. I've never really liked social media or texting and normally onl talk on the phone when I have time. I've been like that my whole life and I've ruined some good relationships because I rarely communicated over text and took time to answer back. Idk about your boyfriends job but back at my old job years ago I worked 12 hour shifts during the day for 6 days then it'd flip and be overnight. It made me tired and never had a proper sleep schedule so when I had free time I often slept or hung with family(hense it ended My relationship years ago). Well I quit that job and got a new one with better time and hours so I could have time for a relationship but when I go into a New relationship I still struggled with replying and texting. I eventually figured out it wasn't my job, it was me. I just really never thought of it as too important and I thought as my gf, she'd understand but all it did was push her away.

She did something very smart, basically we met up and she laid it all out. Either I try and communicate or she leaves, she wasn't leaving becAuse she wanted to but I gave her no choice. So we came up with a schedule(silly I know) at least giving her 2 hours out of the day to talk on the phone and it worked and we actually became a lot closer because I realized how much I loved having a real conversation with her.

 

I think although you not answering purpose was wrong, I understand why you did it. I think you need to have a face to face conversation and plan something better for communicating

 

Hi hazel, thank you so much for the male perspective! I was hoping a guy would chime in.

 

Like you, his schedule flips. He works second shift four days a week and overnight two days a week. He has a hard time getting any sleep at all, so I would totally understand if his not answering was related to that. But the fact that he never bothers to maybe text later and give a brief explanation really gets to me. He just waits and calls when he next wants to talk. And he never checks in at all between our long phone calls. You said: "I just really never thought of it as too important" and maybe that's his issue. He's said it doesn't mean anything and doesn't mean he doesn't love me. I just can't help getting frustrated and hurt and resentful about it all. If I knew for a fact that it indeed means nothing, I could handle it a lot better. It's the potential meaning behind it that bothers me so much.

 

Thank you so much for the suggestions. I'm giving them some thought. Congrats to you on being mature enough to address your own communication issues and do what it took to improve your relationship

[lostlove76]

I felt guilty of the same thing too.

My ex girlfriend was rude to me in front of her friends.

And so I did the same and in fact more rude to her in front of her friends. I was really pissed off to why she would be so rude and act like it's nothing wrong.

 

So this might be one of factors she left me for someone else.

 

Currently 6 months broken up. But the guilt inside me is eating me up.

 

I would suggest to talk it out. Don't let any unhappiness bottles up.

 

Sorry to hear about your relationship, and the resulting guilt you've felt I hope you can find a way to forgive yourself, because from the brief description, it sounds like she was equally in the wrong.