How do I forget!!!!!

[Kallman]

I found out last month that my husband had a year long affair with a women in another state. I found out this information from her 21 yr old daughter, who has been seeing my husband for the last 10 months. The daughter and my husband both say there wasn't anything sexual about their realtionship. But my husband did lie to me spend everyother weekend in Dec with this child, as well as spend money on her and her 4yr old child. My husband of 14 years is an over the road truck driver. He took the mother out on the road with him at least 5 or 6 times, and as he says "had sex" with her too many times to remember. He has been talking to the daughter multiple times a day since this past May, and even had pictures of her on his cell phone. He told me that he even offered to let her sleep in his truck (the one I pay for) with him one night after they went to a bar and it was really late and she didn't want to get in trouble. She still lives with her mom. He has tried for the last several weeks not to run in the area where they live, but that hasn't been sucessful. He says he hasn't called them or texted them on his phone, but I won't know until the bill comes out. He says because I am asking for reassurance about his commitment and love to me that I am pushing him away. We have made the commitment to stay together, but how do I get the images of him touching,kissing, making love to out of my mind? This is driving me crazy, I can't sleep, I am doing my job poorly and the kids are sufferring. I am seeing a thearpist, but he isn't. Please someone give me some advice on how to get these images out of my head. I want to stay with my husband.

[temperamental_taurus]

another great website for support is: link removed You'll find great people who are going through the same thing you are!!!

[dreamweaverdude]

Kallman,

 

I am not sure where to start after having read your comments you have been very betrayed by the wvery man you trusted so much. Believe me the trust will return but very slowly amd it will come only if he is willing to let you trust him again. It will require his giving up some privacy but if he loves you like he says he does and want to makes things right he will.

 

I would look very seriosuly though at what allowed his mind to wander to someone else. What is missing? What pulled him away from you to someone else?

 

I know that you think you life is shot. It is not. YOu will get past this, things may never be the same, but if the two fo you truly want to make a go of this it will takes LOTS of work on both of yours parts.

 

I wish you well.

[Mun]

Hi there,

My heart goes out to you because I know that this is a very difficult time for you.

I think this is one of those things you can't just forget by wishing it away. You will never forget. The way I see it the only way to ever heal from this is to create new memories that will take the place of those awful ones, but it will take many years of that. Your husband is wrong and how dare he say that you are pushing him away by asking for a committment from him. He should be glad you even want to stay with him.

 

He had an affair for a year and from what I understand he is now seeing the woman's daughter too? Why did they tell you about it.. do you know? Do they want something from him? Did they want you to leave him?

 

You think of yourself and of what is best for your family. It sounds to me like your man is not entirely sorry... if he was he would be doing anything and everything to make this up to you ( even though it can't be made up ) Do you know if there are problems in the marriage that caused this? Also.. why do you pay for his truck? Does he not make enough to pay for it himself or at least half? I can see how this hurts you too.. chin up girl !

[mt_joy]

It sounds like he got involved in a very messed up family. He has a lot of making up to do. Seek counseling and tell him what he can do to earn your trust back. I know how hard it is to have a spouse have an affair. I hope you can get through this okay. Take care!

[Kallman]

I would like to thank you guys for the advice. To answer some of the questions:

 

I am not sure how sorry he is for what happened; he has offered to give up driving a truck over the road if it would make me feel better. It would, but then he would be miserable, so I don't see much reason to do that.

 

The daughter called and told me about the mother; I guess she had gotten into an argument with her that day. I told my husband I knew about the year long affair and then he called the daughter and told her he never wanted to talk to her again. It was the next day that the daughter called me and told me about her and my husband. My husband and I both believe that the daughter was trying to drive me out of my husbands life. He said he didn't realize this until it all came out. He did say he was glad that I knew, because he was so tired of me not knowing.

 

I pay for the tractor trailers, but he pays for everything else. It just works out that way.

 

I am still very very hurt, and we have been working on making new memories. But it is very hard, I have Crohn's and have been on steorids for some time, so you can imagine the weight gain I have had. He told me that my body would never compare to the daughters, but then again she is only 21 and I am 33. I had to misforturne of running into the mother when I went on the truck with my husband a couple of weeks ago. I looked a mess, and of course she didn't. I have a very low self esteem, and I have never been this way before. So making new memories is hard because I don't feel like I am as good as they are.

 

Now problems in our marriage, well there weren't any that I knew of. Call me naive I guess, but things were going well. We have four teenage children, a small company and I work full time in a very demanding job. Sure money was tight sometimes and his wonderful ex wife is a pain. The only thing I know for sure is when his grandmother passed away in 1999 is when he had the affair with the mother. He mother passed away this past May and that is when he started talking to the daughter. Also in 1999 I was diagonised with cervical cancer; we weren't sure if I was going to live or die. So I am not sure if this has anything his actions or not.

 

Again thank you all so much, I just feel like I am going through this alone. Since 1/30/2005 I believe he has not lied to me, seen or spoken to the "pair", I can only hope and pray I am right.

[Mun]

He told me that my body would never compare to the daughters, but then again she is only 21 and I am 33.

 

Your husband should never have told you this. This will just add to your anger and pain. He was very insensitive.

 

I recommend you both seek marriage counseling or at the least talk to a church couples counselor... and you keep going to your own sessions.

 

You are right there is not much you can do except trust him and also try and find out why he did this. There is no excuse, but he might have felt neglected because of your illness or the children..any number of things that do not excuse the behavior, but that are things you can work together as a couple to resolve. Cheating is usually a symptom of a bigger problem so it would be smart to get to the bottom of it.

 

This is the kind of betrayal that hurts at the very core...and you are not alone girl. Hang in there.

 

You have my prayers with you.

[Kallman]

Thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers. I don't believe that I can get him into see anyone. But at this point, I can't worry about getting him there. Yes he is very insensitive, but part of it I believe is I asked him to be completely truthly with me and I asked if she looked better than me. I will continue with my therpy, as I am Co-Dependent, so the doc says. I do understand some of the things he says, it is like we are together alone...if that makes any sense at all. I have my life, the kids, the company and my job. He is only home a couple days out of each month. I used to let my world revolve around him when he was home, but during the last couple of years I know that hasn't been the case. Part of it is, he didn't seem to care about anything I did for him, the kids or our business. I know from conversations with him, that he felt I/kids didn't appreciate all the hard work he does to give us the things he THOUGHT we wanted. I have told him at least a 100 times in the last month that what I want most is time with him. I do see things that he is trying to do to make this easier for me. There are times I just need to talk to him about it and cry about it, but this makes him very uncomfortable and the only coping skills he has is to stuff it or get angry. I believe this is where the "your pushing me away" comments are coming from. Again thank you for your comments, this is helping me very much. Please keep me, my husband and my family in your prayers.

[confusedmama]

Forget? You won't, but you can forgive. I commend you for wanting to work on your marriage. And with time the memories won't come as often nor will they be as hurtful. You've had some really rough times recently but hopefully they will only serve to make you stronger.

 

I can offer two suggestions on books that have really helped me. The first is "Torn Asunder, Recovering From Extramarital Affairs" by Dave Carder. If you could get your husband to read it also it will help him realize the pain you are feeling. The other is "Love is a Choice" it is about co-dependancy. I found it really made me look at things I had swept under the rug for many years and made me realize I did have choices in my life and I was the only one who could make them.

 

Keep working on yourself and hopefully you'll get your husband to counselling. It does help.

[Kallman]

Again thank you all for your advice and prayers. I did something last night that I haven't done in some time. I went to the YMCA and worked out, it felt great and I slept last night. Today brought more issues, but I think I am handling them OK. One of our tractor trailers (the one he drives) had the motor go down in it this morning. Of course the really hard part is that he is only 30 miles from where the mother/daughter live. He got really upset with me when he called to tell me about, all because I said "you are kidding right". I completely understand that the amount of stress he is under at this very moment is unreal. I just wanted him to realize that I am under the same stress, if not more. I am the one who has to figure out how to pay for a new motor. Anyway, he was going to catch a ride back to TN from another driver, uggg it was a female driver. He did call and ask if it was ok with me. I told him I didn't like it, but I understood that he needed to get a ride back here as quickly as possible. Someone was listening to my prayers, because another driver came by and he is now riding back with HIM. I am going to go out on the road with him so we can get this load delivered with our other truck and then find a way to get the downed truck back here or fixed there. Anyway, I suppose I just wanted to let someone know that today I am smiling.....from both the words of encouragement on this board and the steps I believe my husband is taking to make things right.

 

God Bless each and everyone of you.

[Mun]

Hey girl I think it's great that you went to work out. Try to make it a habit. It's good for you and it will give you a sense of well being--as you noticed.

 

I know how things can happen on the road--I had two ex boyfriends who were truck drivers.

 

I know this will be hard for you but you just have to trust him... and he has to earn that trust of course. Remind your husband this is a partnership, you can't make it work if you both don't put something forward...he needs to be more sensitive to you though, but at least he is trying.

 

Hope things keep getting better for you.

[justagirl20f]

Kallman... Sometimes working things out isn't the best. Sure, you won't be alone, but you're not that far off. I think your husband belittles you and while it's probably true your body doesn't compare to a 21-year-old's that doesn't mean you won't find a man who appreciates your body just as much as your husband appreciated hers.

 

My heart goes out to you. Probably people will disagree with me, but I don't know what you're trying to salvage when this man has already disrespected your relationship to this point.

[PrincessLinzay]

Hello Kallman~

 

I commend you for your strength, and your courage for trying to work things out. Too many people these days are quick to throw it all away.

 

However, I see something which bothers me slightly. I see that you seem to be defending him to yourself. You make excuses for him and his behavior, and his disregard for your feelings. He may very well be under a lot of stress, but I think he should be more sensitive to the fact that he created a world of insecurity in you, and it's his job to earn your trust back and make you feel loved and respected.

 

I think he is taking your willingness to work things out for granted and thinks that since you agreed to work things out, that means he doesn't have to do anything anymore. His attitude seems to be rather "you should just get over it".

 

Infidelity is such a big deal. It's all consuming and some couples never recover. If he is genuinely sorry for the pain he's caused and has no intention of doing anything like this in the future, he should be making you his number one priority and doing anything to put your uneasy mind at rest.

 

I think there definitely needs to be some counselling, not just for you, but for you both. Money and material possessions can never take the place of a persons affections and presense. He needs to know that.

 

Hang in there and good Luck!