After 23 years

[Ohio321]

I think I have reached the absolute end. I have lived with this woman for 23 years. We have 2 great kids but I am at the absolute end with her. A lot of it revolves around a relationship which until recently been all one way. Me to her. The rest is around responsibility and to some extent money. She takes absolutely no responsibility for anything. Herself, her family, her house and her relationship with me. Nothing. All of that is my job. Every month we are flat broke and now running up debt and yet she insists on working on low pay in a crappy part time job. She refuses to look for better. As a result I worry about money constantly. I have to cut and cut and cut. But just so long as she gets her two and a half days of sitting on her arse every week and foreign holidays with our daughter on borrowed money she expects me to pay back, thats just fine with her. She has no pride in anything, no ambition, no plans. Never wanted to marry. Cannot and never has used my name to address me. Takes me for granted and is incapable of any form of affection, physical or otherwise. Not once in 23 years has she reached across the bed. Our kids have what amounts to eating disorders because she will will not cook proper food and will only give them frozen-oven cooked crap made in a factory. If I want proper food I have to cook it myself which I do, as the alternative is crap from the freezer. Now she is turning our daughter in to an image of herself. Selfish, argumentative, lazy, entitled.

 

Some time ago I suddenly woke up and realised what an absolute idiot I have been taken for. I have tried the loving , give her time and encouragement route for years. But I now think giving her more of that after years and years of failure is like giving an alcoholic a limitless supply of Vodka. She simply does not care and will never change.

 

I feel so angry, and utterly betrayed. That I have invested so much of my life in to this person and have absolutely nothing to show for it. I look with jealously at work colleagues and friends who have wives that care about them. Who are affectionate to them. Who value them. Have pride in themselves and their homes and their family. I have nothing like that and never have. What can I do ? Leave ? Live that classic lonely man life in a one room apartment whilst paying every penny I earn to her so she can carry on the lifestyle to which she is so accustomed . Leave my beautiful kids ?

 

I am so depressed and angry. I have tried and failed but I really think success was never an option. Her bone idle, selfish ways are so deeply engrained within her there was never any hope and I have been fooling myself for more than 2 decades. Some people are like that and if you are unspeakably unlucky enough you end up trying to have a happy life with them.

 

Is there a solution or a way forward ? Has anyone here gone through this ?

[Hollyj]

I think that you know that the only way is out.

 

Time to seek legal counsel.

[bulletproof]

Never wanted to marry.

 

So are you married or not? If not, perhaps legally she won't be as entitled financially to as much as you fear.

When you first got together with her, what did you like about her?

[Hollyj]

Unless it is common law

[becomingkate]

You can't make someone change. You can only change yourself. My last therapist said "BE the change."

In my case, that meant looking at what was really important to me and what I was able to let go.

She asked us what our end goal was - separation or staying together? Once we agreed on a common goal we went to work on ourselves.

Because we wanted to stay together, we each had to work on our individual issues.

Together, we worked on finding joy and living in the moment.

That handled the emotional side.

In your case, you've got financial issues with debt. Is this debt in your name? Do you control finances or does she?

Sounds like you need to protect what you can - are you able to cancel credit cards?

[kbbcoop77]

My wife left after 24 years and yeah it was heartbreaking being alone for a long while but now 2 years later I'm fine with it. And she too only worked part time, I paid every bill so when she left I actually saved money as the utilities and food costs went down lol. Our last few years together sounds like your situation except she did cook and cleaned awesome, but there was no affection it was like room mates. You deserve better. You cannot change her so you have to make a decision if you want to maybe seek counseling (my wife refused) or end it. Good advice to seek legal counsel, since my wife wanted out (we were never legally married I always called her that though..we also had 2 kids that are adults now) I didn't pay her squat. Good luck

[reinventmyself]

When you're staring down the gun of divorce or separation it's seems scary and bleak.

Little money and being away from your beautiful children? Yep, been there, done that.

But the reality is that (at least for me) it's way, way better on the other side.

 

You adjust to finances and in time it becomes all relative.

You still see your kids and the time together now holds more value therefore it has much more quality.

You are no longer living in a home and sleeping in a bed with your adversary.

You come home to quiet peaceful home where kids no longer feel the tension and bitterness.

You no longer compromise yourself to be with someone who either takes advantage of you and the relationship or dismisses you all together.

I could go on and on. .

 

It's a scary leap of the faith, but for some of is it's the best decision on so many levels for all those concerned in end.