calls after so long?

[alittleoverlife]

So I don't really know what I'm looking for by writing this, but I just need to, because I can't stop thinking about it. Basically, I haven't talked to my ex-girlfriend in about seven months now, and have only seen her in quick glances around town.

 

Anyways, last night my friends and I were out when one of them pointed out that my ex was there. I didn't look to see, and really didn't think about too much. I never saw her, but I guess she saw me, because later that night, as I was walking home, she called my phone.

 

Now, a weekend earlier she had called, but hung up after one ring. I didn't think much about it then, but then after last night, I'm wondering what it all means. I didn't answer last night, and only now is it making me go crazy. I just don't understand her calling me, and even more, why I'm thinking about it so much.

 

I just don't know if I should've answered the call or called her back. It just makes no sense to me that she would call me after so long of not talking. I don't know, I'm just really confused and can't stop thinking about it.

 

This is two weekends in a row that she called, and I don't know if she was just drunk and called, or if she is thinking about me. But I guess if she really wanted to talk she would've left me a message, or called again when we were both sober.

 

I really hate this. I guess I'm venting, but if anyone else has had similar situations with exes please feel free to share.

[annie24]

hmm.... I don't know... you can't really tell. Maybe she's just calling to say hi, catch up. Maybe they were drunk calls, which, although funny sometimes, you really don't need to hear it. (Actually...drunk calls are funny to other people... not to the people involved )

 

If you're wondering, just call her. Say hey, I noticed you called. How's life? Keep it short and light. Then, see from there...

 

Good luck!!!!

[heloladies21]

Buddy, she is confused about the way she feels about you. This is the way most girls around 18-22 are about guys. It's OK, you were probably really great to her and part of her might be feeling regret for breaking up with you. But you've been doing everything according to plan. You did good not to answer because it sounds like you are still too emotional about her. You need more No Contact until you are able to talk to her just like a normal girl. No trying to impress her or any emotional outpouring or any of that. She needs to show you that she really regrets her decision and the way she does that is by leaving a message for you, or coming up to you and talking to you. Don't get caught up in her emotional impulse decisions (drunk late night phone call) and her confusion. It will only confuse you.

[ajk]

wouldn't she know that you can see her number?

i guess if you want to talk to her, then call her back. seven months is a long time. have you been feeling more like yourself, and like it won't disrupt how you feel too much, to talk to her?

[alittleoverlife]

ajk,

 

She should know that I could see her number... I think this is why she hung up quickly the first time, hoping that I wouldn't see it, but the second time she definitely let it show up on my phone. And seven months is a long time which is why I'm so hesitant to call, because I think it would really be awkward. Plus on that note, I don't really know how it would affect me to talk to her. I don't know if there are feelings there still or not, because I have nothing to judge them with. I really just don't know anything.

 

heloladies,

 

It makes sense what you say, but I don't think she is confused if seven months have gone by without her calling. That's a long time to be confused and wait to do something about it. And you're right, I need to not think about it because it'll only confuse me more. I just won't worry about it. Thanks a bunch.

 

annie,

 

I like your advice, but I don't think it's for me. I'm not real sure that just being chatty after seven months of nothing will be of any good for either of us, because so much time has passed it would seem really weird for me to do that. At least that's what I think if she called me just to be chatty. I don't know though, I'm still confused.

 

Thanks everyone for everything and the advice. I'm pretty much going to see if these calls mean anything later, or if they were just some sort of impulse by her that she didn't really want to do. I'll keep updating if anything new happens. Be well!!

[ajk]

i agree with suprema about the drunk call thing--it makes someone less hesitant, so they call.

7 months is not a long time to be confused. the longer time goes by, the more you want to talk to that person.

i think annie's suggestion of being light in the coversation is the way to go--you don't want the first conversation you have in 7 months to be heavy. if you express any feelings, do it in a light way.

it sounds like you still are open-ended about things...so why not talk to her now? would it be damaging?

she might be thinking that if you saw her number and haven't called, you are angry. who knows...

you just have to decide what you want. you may want her to be knocking your door down and super clear about what she wants right now, but it doesn't always work out like that. if you want contact with her, she has left the door slightly open for you.

[alittleoverlife]

I understand what the two of you are saying about drunk calling. It's true that it makes it easier to call, and in that case, I see how it could've been a drunk call.

 

Do you really think 7 months is not a long time to be confused ajk? It just seems peculiar to not care for seven months and then start to try and open up contact.

 

Basically, what all of you are saying really makes sense and I am just afraid to contact her is probably what it comes down to. I'm too cautious now because I don't want to get messed up again like I was before.

 

Really though, I don't want her to come straight out and tell me anything, but I would think that she should be the one to say something. She dumped me, and it seems like she should be the one to talk to me. But I guess the door is open now, and I can take advantage of it. Thanks again for the advice, although I'm unsure if I'm strong enough to follow it.

[ajk]

you need to question your statements...

because she's confused and hadn't called doesn't mean that she doesn't care. the place you're saying that from is a place in you that feels like that--but it doesn't mean it's coming from her.

[alittleoverlife]

Well, it may be coming from me, but also, she pretty much showed she didn't care by not calling. Now, you might think that just because she didn't call doesn't mean she doesn't care, but to me, that says a lot.

 

By not calling she was saying that she doesn't need to talk to me and that I pretty much don't matter. This might be how I was reading it, but I think that's a pretty good analysis. Someone usually tries to hold on to someone they care about. I mean, I know I always keep in touch with everyone that is my friend because I care about them and want to always have the open connection with them.

 

But I do understand how that could be just my feelings on it all and not hers, but I still think it is hers as well.

[shockeddismayed]

Hey alittleover...

 

There are a number of ways to look at this.

 

From my side I agree that she could be confused for a LONG time.... in my experience, girls in their twenties can really twist themselves up inside. She may not have called because she (rightfully so) realized that it isn't fair to call you if she is still messed up.

 

These last few calls are likely because she IS starting to realize after 7 months that the feelings of missing you ARE NOT going away. So whereas at first she didn't call cuz she hoped the feeling of missing you would pass. It obviously hasn't.... BUT a word of caution. She IS still confused, buz if she weren't, she'd have figured out how to leave a message or come up and talk to you.

 

So.... I guess I also agree that you don't *have* to be the one to do the heavy lifting and break the ice. It's only an option if you want to.

 

But... getting back to where I started, there are a number of ways to look at this..... but what is MOST important is the way YOU are looking at it.

 

From your response, it seems that you are still pretty bitter with this girl. You've become resentful that she hasn't called over the last few months. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. But what it says to me is that even though you DO have a chance to win her back if you call her up (and I believe you do), that might not be enough for you.... you may end up still being resentful because in the end YOU had to do all the work.

 

This is important for you to realize these feelings you are having.... why are you not calling? Are you so angry that you can't forgive her? Or would you just like to see her prove her intentions? Or do you just not care about her at all anymore?

 

Take some time to sort out these feelings... acknowledge them and act accordingly. If you are able to completely forgive, and aren't worried about hurting yourself, call her. If you want to see her make the effort, sit tight and continue to heal yourself. If you just don't care... just don't worry about it.

 

Good luck.

[Iceman26]

Why not end the debate and call her back? If she has nothing important to say, then simply say you were calling back out of common courteousy. It just seems a little odd to me to talk about the what ifs when you can call her back and find out what is.

[alittleoverlife]

Shocked&Dismayed,

 

You make some very insightful and valuable points. To be honest, I don't know how bitter I am toward my ex, or even if I'm bitter at all. Sure I feel a little bit of anxiety over the whole break-up, but those things happen all the time, as this forum is proof, and so I'm not too upset that the break-up occurred. She needed her space obviously and so it's best that she took it then instead of later when I invested more time into the relationship.

 

Do I resent the fact that she never called over the long months that have gone by? I don't resent her not calling, because again she needed her space, and if I think optimistically, she was living her life happily without me, and for that, I can't resent anything, because that is all I have ever wished for her.

 

Do I care about her? I do care about her, she was my girlfriend at one point, and I don't think you can ever stop caring about someone you were once so close to. I still wish only good things upon her and hope her life goes well. Of course this is seven months down the road on healing and if you had asked me at first I would've told you I wanted her to feel the pain I was, but honestly, I don't because I know it is hell and just not something anyone should ever have to go through. I hope that makes sense.

 

And why am I not calling? Simple really. I initiated no contact to heal. She moved on, got a new boyfriend (or so I heard), and from where I was standing, it was just pointless to try and maintain a friendship. Every time I looked at her I saw my girlfriend, and it wasn't possible for me to simply be a bystander in her life, so I got out. She didn't put up too much of a fight though, which kind of gave me the signal that I wasn't worth keeping around anyway, so I think it worked for the both of us.

 

Maybe I was angry at first, but I know that now I understand why she did what she did, and I only regret the way the break-up went down. I don't think she was wrong for breaking up with me, and I know for sure that I forgive her for any hurt caused by the break up, because I was hurting because of the way my brain interpreted it, not because of her. I'm sure she hurt as well, and so I don't blame her for any pain I felt.

 

But it eventually does come down to the way I interpret everything. And therein lies the problem. I can't judge the way it will affect me to hear her voice, or even if feelings will come back that I have spent so long fighting. I can't even fathom trying to have a conversation with her, because of how long it has been. Wouldn't she be able to see through the fake "I called you back out of courtesy" and know that is not the reason? But it always leads to more questions…

 

The bottom line is that these calls came in the early morning of a weekend, which doesn't really signal importance, at least not in my eyes. She knows my address, my IM name, my e-mail, and where I live. So she has the capability to open the door to conversation in a more meaningful way, not a late night phone call that she made after drinking. I don't necessarily want her to throw herself out there, I'm sure she wants to be cautious too. But I just need more than a phone call; even a message afterward would be sufficient. So what it comes down to is if I am capable of accepting a call late at night as enough to open the door to something.

 

And this isn't all really directed toward you. I am more so doing this to sort myself out, and seeing if I can find the answer in myself. I thank you again for your input, it is very helpful, and although I'm not anywhere further along in the decision of what I'm going to do, I still find this all very relieving, as it's helping me sort out all my feelings. So thanks again, you don't have to read it all, I don't expect you to. Let's just all hope that fate works out for everyone, and we all end up happy in the end.

 

Also, to Iceman, I wish it were that simple. But like all of life, everything is more complicated than simply picking up the phone and calling. If there is a possibility to rekindle this friendship, I can't afford to rush in there without having my head on straight and knowing exactly what I am looking for before finding out what she is. But thanks for the input, and one day I might be able to call without worrying about what might occur because of it.

[Bibora]

Well, it may be coming from me, but also, she pretty much showed she didn't care by not calling. Now, you might think that just because she didn't call doesn't mean she doesn't care, but to me, that says a lot.

 

By not calling she was saying that she doesn't need to talk to me and that I pretty much don't matter. This might be how I was reading it, but I think that's a pretty good analysis. Someone usually tries to hold on to someone they care about. I mean, I know I always keep in touch with everyone that is my friend because I care about them and want to always have the open connection with them.

 

But I do understand how that could be just my feelings on it all and not hers, but I still think it is hers as well.

 

Im not much in this "debate", but i noticed that you told she didn't contact you. That she doesn't care about you. Did you do the same to her? Not contact her? If so, don't you think that she would think the same thing as you? That you don't care for her.

 

I just say this, cause im doing NC with my ex too, and i feel the same as you. Like she doesn't care. But most probably she thinks the same.

 

But, if you think it's good to catch up for old times, why don't just talk to her? If you don't feel emotionally attach to her yet.

(i'm sorry if it went a bit off topic)

[Iceman26]

Calling back is that simple and uncomplicated. She may just tell you that you she still has something of yours, or she just wants to say hi, etc.

 

If she wants you back, or something to that effect, you can always hear what she has to say, tell her you will think about what she has to say, and call her back when you are emotionally prepared I guess.

 

All you are doing right now is speculating about what she wants, and causing yourself unnecessary stress.

[djedix]

I guess some girls use the no contact thing to help them heal. my ex is doing that now, I havent heard from her in a month. It's like she died, honestly. I'm doing NC aswell but i did try to call her, got an awnsering machine so i just hung up. then sent a text message, nothing at all to do with our relationship or anything, just a "how are you doing" one, and no reply. I'm pissed, but every day that passes i just say screw it, i don't need to be treated like this. I just keep trying to move on with my life, and just forgetting about it. trust me the stress is going away and im feeling alot better.

 

I think like you do, she knows where i live, she has my email, im, and phone, and if she wants to make contact fine, but i'm jaded by the fact she played dead to me for the past month.

 

She does what she wants thou. She wanted to be with me, so i let her in. she wanted to get married, and i thought i did too. she got her ring, then she relized she didn't want to, and she left. I like video games, not stabing me in the heart type of games.....

[shockeddismayed]

 

If there is a possibility to rekindle this friendship, I can't afford to rush in there without having my head on straight and knowing exactly what I am looking for before finding out what she is.

 

The wisest advice is almost always your own... you just need to distill it all so you can see things clearly.

 

I agree in part with Iceman... certainly it would take away the uncertainty if you call her. But the thing is that it is a matter of timing. Are YOU ready to hear from her? (and much less important, is she totally ready to hear from you?)

 

I think you guys will get a chance to talk sooner or later, but you don't need to rush it. From where I stand, it DOES sound like you need a bit more healing time... you went from bitter and twisted, to your heartfelt words above. That's not a criticism, just an observation that with one or two *almost* phonecalls, this girl has taken you to peaks and valleys of emotional torture.

 

You need to find a way to disconnect your own feelings from her behaviour. That is a TERRIBLY difficult thing to do when you care/love someone. I've found that it requires such a strong sense of pride and self, that it can be so, soooo easy to fall back out and react to her confusion.

 

And yeah... I do think you have a chance with her... but I also KNOW she is still confused. If she weren't she'd speak to you, whether it be to become friends again, or to *possibly* be more. The fact that she wasn't able to follow through on her calls means she isn't sure.

 

So.... take your time.

 

My biggest worry for you would be this:

You call... she gives you some positive signals, but not entirely.

She calls... more mixed messages, but suggests meeting.

You return the call... you meet... each time the ante is being upped....

this cycle continues, and yet she doesn't really know what she wants yet...

You (having your emotions still attached to her actions) get roped in... you are upset when she hasn't returned your calls, or you are elated when she does.

Up and down, up and down.... and always the biggest risk is that those feelings of resentment you have buried rise to the surface, you say or do something stupid... or she does... and either way, what could have been a reconciliation becomes a really natural departure point... this time for good.

 

My advice... wait it out. Until you can be SURE that you won't get roped in (ie you can withstand her confusion, and will REFUSE to be treated poorly... each time she does, you'll shrug your shoulders and chuckle, knowing she can't touch you... that's a very difficult place to get to with an EX .... it's hard enough to start there with a NEW interest)..... or if you don't think you can get there, you wait until there is EVIDENCE that she is going to put in 50-60% of the effort, that way your feelings, your emotional toll to get back into this, is balanced by her also risking the same (or, at least briefly, and since she broke things off, she takes the greater risk so that you can continue to be healed).

 

Obviously it is best when people meet in the middle on equal footing... but in a breakup, it is rarely the case. You MUST ensure that one of the two security dynamics (I was going to say power dynamics, but it sounds too negative) above is possible before starting.... and then you must ensure that it goes away once the relationship is established again... and you quickly return to a 50-50, egalitarian relationship. Don't let that teeter-totter swing for too long.

 

But recognize that one person will have to be the first to get on the teeter totter first.... and wait for the dynamic to allow that.

 

And be careful with each other.

[alittleoverlife]

shocked&dismayed,

 

I see now that I'm not ready to see her or talk to her for that matter. I read over my posts and can see where some of the things I say come off as being bitter and resentful, and I wrote all of it without ever feeling that way. I guess unconsciously I have bitterness towards her, which means I need to do a lot more healing. Now is definitely not the time to contact her.

 

Also like you said, she is confused still, and it is not worth it to stick my foot in the door if she doesn't know if it should be open or closed. I'm not going to make that decision for her because she needs to. Which means, she probably needs to not hear from me just as much as I don't need to try and contact her. I guess the calls are just her opening up and seeing if she can call without feeling anything for me. I mean, I've thought about doing the same thing, but never have because I'm not ready.

 

And I don't want to feel bitterness towards this girl, and so I need to somehow work on dispersing these feelings. Any suggestions? Just kidding, I'm sure they'll just pass with more time.

 

Well, that's about it, I'm not worrying about this anymore, I'm heading back to where I was before I received these calls, and just forget about them for the moment. Maybe some day down the road we'll contact one another, but now is not the time. I still need to heal, and hopefully by the time I do, she won't be confused.

 

Again, thanks a million to everyone for their advice, and especially shocked&dismayed, you really are an asset to this forum. Thanks for helping me realize where I am on the healing process before I went and did something rash. Good luck and God Bless.

[alittleoverlife]

Well, here's an update on my situation in case anyone cares to know. So I decided that I wasn't ready to call my ex and hear her voice. However, I didn't want to come off as angry or that I was ignoring her, so I concluded that the best thing to do was to e-mail her to let her know I got her call. This is all I wrote, nothing fancy, just a "hey I saw you called me this weekend. Just wanted to let you know I got it."

 

Anyway, she e-mailed me back this response:

 

Hey!!!

 

I did call just to say hello after I saw you out. I was gonna come over to you but I didnt know if you would want me to or not. I was just hoping that we could start communicating again. I'd like to know how things have been going for you and your family and just catch up. It's completely up to you if you wanna do that or not though. I completely understand if you think it is better if we don't but its been a LONG time since we've talked so I figured I would at least ask. Anyway, just let me know. Hope you have been doing well.

 

So that's about it. I don't know what I'm going to do or if I'm going to write her back. Just wanted to let everyone know the update. Take care