2.5 years and he wants a break? Quarter life crises?

[Lalaland77]

So my ex and I are from the same hometown etc etc. we've been dating for 2.5 years...

 

In October he got a job offer across the country... He wanted to gain experience so he took it (as this would help him get out of the career he was doing now and gain a new skill set because his friend works for company)... I got a job offer a week later (he knew I was applying and wanted to move to NYC with me bit didn't have Luck with jobs so he knew having a new skill set could get him here)

 

We've only seen eachother at Christmas and then a few weeks ago when I went to visit him. Everything is perfect when we're together. We knew we would be together in the end and had talked about the same goals.

 

When I visited I brought up the future a lot.... And he always seemed a bit scared. He isn't good at showing his emotions.. He took a year to say I love you and he rarely confronts me with a problem and his ex gf's broke up with him because he's not emotionally connected. But with me he was! He said I taught him so much and he's never been like this with anyone. Our relationship was AMAZING though. I woke up feeling like the luckiest girl every day. Best one I've ever had and he says the same. He's a guy from the movies it trusted him so much and he was such a gentlemen. He said it's been the best two years of his life. Being away from eachother is hard obviously but we both knew it would be worth it. It got harder and harder with the time change. He's three hours behind and we both worked late so we never had any us time which was tough. I would ask to FaceTime but it seemed like he wasn't ever home... We called me at work and on his way home but facetiming was always a struggle. I was always in bed by the time he got home or he would have a work function after. He was always on hikes and never could just sit and be alone in his own thoughts.. But when we both lived in our hometown he wasn't like that at all. It seemed to me as he was running from something. I met his friends and they were super nice when I visited and I was not concerned at all. He's at a company and doesn't have any benefits.... But he loves being in cali. This was my fear... That he would end up loving it too much. I shouldn't have held him back as I know he wouldn't hold me back from moving. He's never been out of our town and this was his only shot so I couldn't live with myself if I held him back.

 

After I visited, he started asking my about how I brought up the future. We had talked about it sorta before or rather just assumed we would be together. Being away long distance makes me look forward to the future because that's all we have to look forward to. So he had trouble talking about it because being at a start up company they could do super well and have a big huge opportunity or not.. So he didn't know if he wanted to leave just yet. But I would move for him I just need more months of experience because I just started this job in November. So he kept asking me how I know he's the one at such a young age... I'm 23 and just started my first career. He started questioning himself and said he's not there yet and doesn't know why. He said he's had those thoughts and feelings but he said he doesn't know why he doesn't have a time line like me.. I was hurt but I knew he was a guy and that he's in a new experience so he probably wants to be established in a career and life his experience to the fullest out there. He said he's had the thoughts before but being away makes it harder for him to see a future which I feel the same because it's like we're used to being far away but when we're together it's perfect. And he even said its harder to see eachother knowing we don't have eachother when we leave. He said there's no one else at all but he can't have a girlfriend right now.. He said he needs to soul search and figure out what he wants in life.. Which I think I pressured him since she's 25 and has no general outline of where he wants to be... So he said he's so effed up in the head and doesn't know what's the matter with himself and his head is going crazy.

 

He's just like I need space to just focus on work it's been a rough few weeks and he thinks he's holding me back in the city and idk he's just scared to commit it seems. The more serious we get the more he pulls back. But he said he's never felt this way with anyone and never had such a good relationship. His other gf's broke up with him and I'm sure that has something to do with being scared but it's like he's going through a quarter life crises... He's terrible at committing to things.. I tried to plan a vacation and stuff and he couldn't even commit to a date.. He's like that with everyone and his family. Everything is always up in the air with him which makes it so tough. His family isn't super lovey dovey which makes me think that's why he has a certain guard up too. They're super close but just show it differently I guess.

 

So he wanted a break to clear his head and said he still wants to talk. His friend from work said he and his now fiancé did that and ended up engaged. We ended on such a good note we were laughing and smiling on the phone and he said maybe we can work in the future or Maybe if he stops being effed up in the head. And then I contacted him for more answers (bad idea) and we weren't fighting but I just challenged him for answers more I guess so he said he needs to tell himself this is permanent even if it's not because that's the only way he can just focus on himself because right know he needs to. And he thanks me for being so patient and supportive etc. so we haven't talked in over a week and he changed his profile Picture yesterday. Last time we talked he said I need a month to just clear my head. I don't know what to do. His mom is visiting next weekend for a whole week so I hope that snaps him back to reality.. He said we will run into eachother in the future and maybe we can work in the future and I did nothing wrong and he said thanks for everything you've taught me I won't forget you etc. we were planning on being home together in June for his friends wedding then July then September for my brothers wedding.. So this second half of long distance would've been easier seeing eachother!!! So why is he doing this now!! Idk if he will be home for the wedding because idk if he will go now and July he will be at his cottage so what do I do? I need closure. I can't wait a full month to not talk to him that's crazy. I just want to know what I can do to fix this. It's so hard not contacting. It's been about a month total since the breaks convo but we talked on and off for a couple weeks then just a full week of NC and I'm going crazy. Please help!! He's the love of my life. And I think I'm his too he's just so scared to comit. Quarter life crises is happening over where he is!!

[Hollyj]

I know that you love him, but can you really try to plan a future with someone who is incapable of doing so? He sounds incredibly flakey! I think you have lost yourself in all of this, as you are bending over backwards to accommodate this guy,

 

You should not continue talking, until he is absolutely certain that he wants a future with you. By continuing to talk during the break, you help him transition to another, and you also alleviate his guilt for having broken up with you. Do not give him the benefit of a relationship, without one.

 

You sound like a really sweet girl, who deserves better than someone who is incapable of a relationship. Never wait for someone to choose you, as he should treasure you. By taking the break, he is risking your involvement with another man.

 

As I read on, it sounds like it over, he's just too cowardly to say so, he also wants to keep you on the back burner.

 

I suggest you go NC

[Hollyj]

You have closure. He ended it.

 

You can't fix anything, as he does not want to be in a relationship. Honestly, I think he is dating someone else.

 

You are very young, and will have a man that wants and appreciates you.

[Lalaland77]

It sounds like it's over but he told me he loved me and there's possibility in the future and I asked if we would be together if we lived in the same area and he said of course. So if he could just wait until I have a year experience at my new job (which is up in 6 months) I'd move there. And he doesn't want to end up where he is now.. He said it's definitely temporary and my situation is .. That's why I have hope.

[Lalaland77]

He admitted to needing professional help to find out why he doesn't allow himself to feel things

[Hollyj]

If someone loves you, they don't break up with you.

 

You should never wait around for someone to decide if they want you. Are going to wait 5 years, on the possibility he may want you? How demeaning,

 

You are doing all the work - waiting, possible move etc... Don't you want someone who is all in?

 

You need to show yourself more respect and love, as he is not.

[bulletproof]

Don't blame this on a "quarter-life crisis" or a "fear of commitment." It sounds to me like he's out there and realized the relationship wasn't as important to him as he thought it was. I think you're doing a disservice to yourself by waiting around. You can be nice to him, civil to him, whatever, but let him contact you if he has something to say.

 

You sound a little addicted to him and obsessed with the relationship. Saying it's "crazy" to wait a full month to talk to him seems to indicate a lack of self-control on your part when it comes to him. Focus on other things and regain your own sense of who you are without him.

[Lalaland77]

Im addicted because we had future plans to live together later this year... and I thought he was the one.. After 2.5 years of not talking every day it is crazy to not talk after a month... For him to not reach out and see how I'm doing when that's all I want to do with him..is make sure he is okay. He has expressed that he needs professional help because he's been mentally spiraling down. And I feel like since I'm the only one who knows him this well that I want to help. It's just in my nature.

[DancingFool]

He. is. not. broken. He doesn't need to be fixed and you cannot fix another human being. If they decide they want something different for themselves, they and only they can fix themselves.

 

He dumped you and told you that you need to quit contacting him- that's a pretty blunt declaration that you are not wanted anymore. If that changes, he knows well how to reach you.

[Lalaland77]

He didn't tell me to not contact he said he needs a month and still wants to talk

[Lalaland77]

We just haven't

[DancingFool]

He hasn't reach out because he doesn't want to talk to you. He asked for a month of space, so let him have it. Leave him be.

[bulletproof]

Im addicted because we had future plans to live together later this year... and I thought he was the one.. After 2.5 years of not talking every day it is crazy to not talk after a month... For him to not reach out and see how I'm doing when that's all I want to do with him..is make sure he is okay. He has expressed that he needs professional help because he's been mentally spiraling down. And I feel like since I'm the only one who knows him this well that I want to help. It's just in my nature.

 

Don't blame your "nature." It sounds like you are looking for any and every excuse to hang on to this.

If he wants your help, he'll let you know.

It isn't "crazy" to not talk for a month. It's completely doable for two healthy adults, in my opinion. I understand that you've gotten into the habit of speaking every day, but that's all it is—a habit. If the relationship is as strong as you think it is, then you should be able to go a month and respect his wish not to contact him during that month.

[catfeeder]

The problem with LDRs is that they're based on fantasy rather than daily life. Fantasies are even harder to let go of because we build them with the mind.

 

So we need to focus the mind beyond them. It's hard, but I've found it much easier to move forward if I exploit my hope into a building block. I decide to trust that if ex and I were really a 'meant-to-be' deal, then we'll both meet on higher ground someday--but we'll both need to get to that place on our own.

 

That frees me to focus on building my OWN life, with my own interests and goals and social life and self development. I make it a private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back.

 

This focus is a win/win. If ex ever wants to catch up with me, he'll have no trouble letting me know. Meanwhile, I've invested in making my own pictures happen, and that gets me stronger--to the degree that ex becomes less and less relevant to my happiness as I grow more and more into my Self.

 

Head high, and baby steps. But no, don't contact the ex.