Gifts

[cheerfuldaisy]

Hi,

 

I am just wondering if you are dating a boyfriend for a year, do you guys give each other random gifts (just something small - ie a box of chocolates, a bag of fruits, a big teddy bear whenever you see something that you know your gf/bf likes.. etc) throughout the year and not just on special occasions? If he doesn't give you gifts on non-special occasion, does it mean he doesn't love you or doesn't treat you well. Is it worth dating a guy who doesn't want to spend money on you? Does your bf give you gift randomly? I would like your feedback and recommendations. Please share. Thanks a lot.

[j.man]

I bought my girlfriend a bag of white cheddar popcorn the other day while I was grabbing some groceries. Does that count?

 

But, no, I don't think anyone, whether it's the boyfriend or girlfriend, is entitled to gifts from their partner. I'm a huge believer in "If you really want something, go get it yourself." Gifts are something to be appreciated, not in any way expected. There are simply too many other ways to show love than through the wallet.

 

It's also a little bit archaic in this day and age of relative gender equality. I don't think I've ever heard a guy say, "My girlfriend didn't get me socks for Valentine's Day. She knows I love new socks!"

[Iggy5129]

I understand not expecting gifts and whatnot but he should treat you to dinner or something every once in a while (as should you). I've been with a guy who always expected me to pay and never did anything. I'd get excited when he bought me a $2 taco. So pathetic.

 

I think it indicates how important you are to him. I always buy my bf little things. For example the other day I was at the farmers market so I got him some local honey since I knew he was out. He buys me chocolates or cookies sometimes (nothing expensive, it more the effort and thought that counts).

 

Talk to him about it?

[ThatwasThen]

If you are made to feel loved through gifts, Op then perhaps you should gift yourself and him with the book "The Five Love Languages" and do the questionnaire so that he knows that you feel loved through gift giving. You should also know how he is made to feel loved as it could be something completely different then the gifts that you expect to get to feel loved.

 

Anyway, no, I don't expect that my partner should give me random gifts but it's nice when it happens. I've discovered that my Love Language is Acts of Kindness and it shows me the hubs loves me when he does simple things for me like do the dishes when I've cooked a huge family meal or scrape the snow and ice off my car so that I don't have to do it.

[j.man]

I understand not expecting gifts and whatnot but he should treat you to dinner or something every once in a while (as should you). I've been with a guy who always expected me to pay and never did anything. I'd get excited when he bought me a $2 taco. So pathetic.

 

I think it indicates how important you are to him. I always buy my bf little things. For example the other day I was at the farmers market so I got him some local honey since I knew he was out. He buys me chocolates or cookies sometimes (nothing expensive, it more the effort and thought that counts).

 

Talk to him about it?

There's a big ol' fatty difference between someone financially depending on you and not giving you sporadic gifts.

 

I'm a big, "I saw something [useful] that reminded me of you so I got it" kind of guy. Hence, I buy my girlfriend little things all the time. For example, I recently got her a little compact thermos because she couldn't carry her old one in her smaller purse. Didn't wrap it or give it to her with a cute note or anything. Gave her the Amazon box. It was kind of the antithesis of romantic now that I think back...

 

That said, I don't care what your love language is. If you need teddy bears and boxes of chocolates to feel loved, that's a problem, either with you or your boyfriend not demonstrating it through other means.

[cheerfuldaisy]

Hi j.man. Thanks for replying to my thread. Yes, buying popcorn counts as that is an act of kindness and it is thoughtful of you too . I just thinks that if a guy buys something for the girl, that means he is thinking of her. I just want to know that the guy actually missed the girl and thought about her. It's not about the value of the gift. It's the thoughts that counts.

[j.man]

For the record, I do believe in love languages, but in the context of understanding someone else's to know when you're receiving it and not for the sake of having to learn to speak theirs.

[ThatwasThen]

That said, I don't care what your love language is. If you need teddy bears and boxes of chocolates to feel loved, that's a problem, either with you or your boyfriend not demonstrating it through other means.

Well, obviously, there's one guy that hasn't read the book.

 

I think we all, on occasion buy little things that show we care. That isn't the point of the book but the love language of "gift giving" doesn't mean diamonds and rubies (but it can) but rather what you did for your girlfriend.

 

Op: Buy the book and read it. It will open up both your eyes as to what floats your boats.

[cheerfuldaisy]

Hi j.man again.. I just find it sweet of you to think about your gf while grocery shopping. Therefore, that counts as it shows you care and thought of her.

[j.man]

Well, obviously, there's one guy that hasn't read the book. you know for a damn fact I don't read. On principle.

[fitgirl]

There's a big ol' fatty difference between someone financially depending on you and not giving you sporadic gifts.

 

I'm a big, "I saw something [useful] that reminded me of you so I got it" kind of guy. Hence, I buy my girlfriend little things all the time. For example, I recently got her a little compact thermos because she couldn't carry her old one in her smaller purse. Didn't wrap it or give it to her with a cute note or anything. Gave her the Amazon box. It was kind of the antithesis of romantic now that I think back...

 

That said, I don't care what your love language is. If you need teddy bears and boxes of chocolates to feel loved, that's a problem, either with you or your boyfriend not demonstrating it through other means.

 

I agree with this. I think it's nice to give and receive small things "just because", but not because anything is expected. If my dude is at the grocery store and brings me a bottle of my favorite wine, I'm beyond excited. I always keep some on hand, because I can take care of my own needs, but his thoughtfulness is nice and I reciprocate when I'm out doing every day things.

 

I'm not a person who goes off and buys tons of random gifts or wants flowers or a fruit basket or some crap in return. I think that's nice but really too much.

 

I wouldn't look too much into gift giving as it's really the thought that counts anyways. Does he occasionally help you out or show he cares in other ways? If so, stuff is just stuff...

[j.man]

Hi j.man again.. I just find it sweet of you to think about your gf while grocery shopping. Therefore, that counts as it shows you care and thought of her. there any things you can think of that your boyfriend does do to show love and appreciation?

[missmarple]

Most of my ex bf's (and ex husband) would buy me small things here and there..you know, like a rose or a magazine they thought I would like or some chocolate, etc...and I've done the same. My friends are like that, too...for example, when one goes away on holiday, he'll bring something back for the others....not anything expensive, of course.

The only guy I remember who had never bought me anything (not even a cup of coffee) but would often treat himself to expensive things (clothes, etc) was selfish in other aspects of the relationship, too.

[ThatwasThen]

Hi j.man again.. I just find it sweet of you to think about your gf while grocery shopping. Therefore, that counts as it shows you care and thought of her.

 

Wiping the snow and ice off my car so I don't have to do it shows he cares too... Do you see?

[fitgirl]

My guy will cook and do the dishes at my house, even the ones he didn't dirty. I find that far more caring than a box of chocolates!

[cheerfuldaisy]

Thank you ThatWasThen for your reply too

[cheerfuldaisy]

@ThatWasThen: Of course I see scraping ice off the car counts too and that is a really nice gesture from him. I asked this question because at first I didn't really thought much into it but the friends around me who has bf/gf seems to be always buying gifts for each other or making breakfast for each other and my bf is not like that. So it feels like our relationship is different than others.

[Capricorn3]

If he doesn't give you gifts on non-special occasion, does it mean he doesn't love you or doesn't treat you well.

Absolutely not! I think it is so sad that people actually believe this - that if they don't get gifts then they are not loved and aren't treated well. To me it shows a sense of entitlement. Look at the person as a whole, how they treat you every day, not what you can get out of them (gifts).

[cheerfuldaisy]

@fitgirl: That does shows his care. However, I still find that if a guy does not invest in the girl during dating he may not as well invest in the girl after marriage, don't you agree? In other words, doesn't that mean he won't treat her nicely and like a lady?

[Wolfshook]

I bought my girlfriend a chocolate almost every time I would go pick her up. I liked giving her gifts, but some guys I know are not that way,it doesnt mean they dont love their gfs they just don't think that way.

[cheerfuldaisy]

@j.man: Well he does show love and appreciation in many ways by always saying the four letter words, helping me wash dishes, willing to vacuum my place for me, drive me around, willing to help me carry groceries, sending me articles that is useful for me. Those things really shows his care for me but I find that when comes to money matter he doesn't treat me properly or well. He seems like he wants his girlfriend to pay for what he buys but he doesn't buy anything for me except on special occasions. Also, on special occasions he usually buys me non-personal items such as a book, kettle, a piece of charm for my Pandora bracelet...Do you think a boyfriend should buy non-personal items even though I live with my family?

[cheerfuldaisy]

Everytime I buy things for him is personal like scarf, shaving cream, clothes... So what do you think? Do you think he should treat me better?

[Capricorn3]

Everytime I buy things for him is personal like scarf, shaving cream, clothes... So what do you think? Do you think he should treat me better?

 

You're missing the point entirely. YOUR language of love seems to be giving gifts. His language of love is different. It seems that you give gifts EXPECTING to get the same in return. That is just wrong. One should never give in the hope of getting something in return.

 

How does he treat you in general, every day? Is he a good guy? Is he just a jerk? What?

 

Buy the book Five languages of love - you'll definitely benefit from it.

[tallydoo]

@j.man: Well he does show love and appreciation in many ways by always saying the four letter words, helping me wash dishes, willing to vacuum my place for me, drive me around, willing to help me carry groceries, sending me articles that is useful for me. Those things really shows his care for me but I find that when comes to money matter he doesn't treat me properly or well. He seems like he wants his girlfriend to pay for what he buys but he doesn't buy anything for me except on special occasions. Also, on special occasions he usually buys me non-personal items such as a book, kettle, a piece of charm for my Pandora bracelet...Do you think a boyfriend should buy non-personal items even though I live with my family?

 

It might be worth having a conversation about. It might be a lack of investment, but gift-giving might not be his love language. It's not mine at all--I feel much more loved in other ways--so I've had to adapt to friends or so's who do thrive on gift-giving to think "Oh, so-and-so might really like this, maybe I should get them this instead of doing XYZ and calling it good, because that'll make them feel more loved."

[cheerfuldaisy]

@Capricorn3: That's a good point. I will read that book.