I am truly so lazy and worthless, my bf is starting to hate me

[Emily5x]

I know this is long but I really need help

My boyfriend works 2 full Time jobs. I work one.

He works 9am-5pm gets a couple hours of sleep once he goes to the gym that is (so bed around 6pm) then he goes to work at his next job 10pm-8am and I work a 6a-2p job.

 

All he asks of me is to keep the place clean and organized, and have food ready, I do that, sometimes it goes back and fourth and I don't stay consistent. It's only when he is super mad, and then I get into shape.

 

I am always so lazy and tired but he says I have no right to be, which compared to him I truly don't, I am just honestly a lazy piece of .

 

He says he thinks I'm trying to see how far I can push him, and that breaks my heart we've been together almost four years and I've been doing this for two.

 

Why can't I change for good? Why am I so lazy and how can I stop I need to show him I love him and care.

 

When he comes home he should feel relaxed, not more stressed out.

 

 

EDIT-and yes I am happy he can be so sweet and he does so much for me which is why it hurts him and I so much that I can't do the simplest of things

[itsallgrand]

Are you happy?!

 

Maybe you are a bit lazy sometimes. I don't know, and depends how a person defines lazy. I've learned the hard way though in my own life about the importance of rest and fun. And sleep! Without it, people get out of sorts and even sick. So I think a bit of lazy has its place.

 

I bet your bf is stressed to the max. Understandable. But still- talking to you like that, it made me cringe. My heart would be shredded if my bf talked to me like that. But it also wouldn't be tolerated. It's not something I am going to stick around for in this short life.

 

What would make YOU happy?

[starlight89]

Why is he working these crazy hours? Can you not downsize so your rent and bills is cheaper until you can both work your way up in the world and earn more money?

 

Can you increase your hours? Or try to get a better paying job?

 

Do you suffer from depression or is there any hormonal imbalances going on that could be making you fatigued and lacking in energy.

 

I have an underactive tyroid and sometimes after a full night sleep, I am still so exhausted all day and have to really force myself to get chores done and play with my son. It is a constant battle because I crave energy and want to feel energetic so badly but my body wont allow me to some days.

 

I think its time to make some positive changes. Speak to your doctor. Also sit down and make a budget of all monthly income and what you need to pay for. See if you can cut down or cut out anything. Can you speak to your boss and ask for a pay rise or can he?

 

I am assuming the reasons for this are financial. Correct me if I am wrong

[Capricorn3]

My boyfriend works 2 full Time jobs. I work one.

He works 9am-5pm gets a couple hours of sleep once he goes to the gym that is (so bed around 6pm) then he goes to work at his next job 10pm-8am and I work a 6a-2p job.

 

All he asks of me is to keep the place clean and organized, and have food ready, I do that, sometimes it goes back and fourth and I don't stay consistent. It's only when he is super mad, and then I get into shape.

I have to admit, I can't blame him for expecting a meal to be ready when he gets home from work, especially considering the two jobs and the very long hours he works. He must be exhausted! You have so much time on your hands to clean up a little and at least cook him a meal, so I can totally understand his frustration. I think anyone would feel the same way.

 

What do you do in all your free time?

[Emily5x]

Yes I have in the passed and still may suffer a bit from depression, I was on anti-depressants but got off them a whole ago, and we could both live perfect and well off, but he likes his "toys" and we love to have fun, going to shooting ranges, riding four wheelers and all that. He isn't hurting for money and isn't money hungry, he just likes to have fun. When I got back from a service trip over the summer I came home and he had a dirt bike and jet ski just for me, he works so much because he wants to buy stuff to have fun with. (I'm 21 and he is 23).

[Emily5x]

For the most part yes I am happy, and I know I never talk about this to people I know because it makes him sound horrible when really all he wants is simple things, I always seem to be the cause of his explosions, one minute we are fine then the next day he has stuff built up and ready to say.

[Emily5x]

Why is he working these crazy hours? Can you not downsize so your rent and bills is cheaper until you can both work your way up in the world and earn more money?

 

Can you increase your hours? Or try to get a better paying job?

 

Do you suffer from depression or is there any hormonal imbalances going on that could be making you fatigued and lacking in energy.

 

I have an underactive tyroid and sometimes after a full night sleep, I am still so exhausted all day and have to really force myself to get chores done and play with my son. It is a constant battle because I crave energy and want to feel energetic so badly but my body wont allow me to some days.

 

I think its time to make some positive changes. Speak to your doctor. Also sit down and make a budget of all monthly income and what you need to pay for. See if you can cut down or cut out anything. Can you speak to your boss and ask for a pay rise or can he?

 

I am assuming the reasons for this are financial. Correct me if I am wrong

 

 

 

Sorry if I'm responding to these wrong im new to this site and very lost

 

 

Yes I have in the passed and still may suffer a bit from depression, I was on anti-depressants but got off them a whole ago, and we could both live perfect and well off, but he likes his "toys" and we love to have fun, going to shooting ranges, riding four wheelers and all that. He isn't hurting for money and isn't money hungry, he just likes to have fun. When I got back from a service trip over the summer I came home and he had a dirt bike and jet ski just for me, he works so much because he wants to buy stuff to have fun with. (I'm 21 and he is 23).

[Emily5x]

Are you happy?!

 

Maybe you are a bit lazy sometimes. I don't know, and depends how a person defines lazy. I've learned the hard way though in my own life about the importance of rest and fun. And sleep! Without it, people get out of sorts and even sick. So I think a bit of lazy has its place.

 

I bet your bf is stressed to the max. Understandable. But still- talking to you like that, it made me cringe. My heart would be shredded if my bf talked to me like that. But it also wouldn't be tolerated. It's not something I am going to stick around for in this short life.

 

What would make YOU happy?

 

Sorry if I'm responding wrong I'm new on here and a bit lost

For the most part yes I am happy, and I know I never talk about this to people I know because it makes him sound horrible when really all he wants is simple things, I always seem to be the cause of his explosions, one minute we are fine then the next day he has stuff built up and ready to say.

[itsallgrand]

Well, you aren't worthless. And if you have and are dealing with depression, your limits may be different than someone who has not or isn't dealing with depression. Even if you weren't dealing with depression, people are different and have different temperaments and needs and limits.

 

It's possible you just can't live up to his expectations and be well at the same time. That doesn't make you less than in any way. If you can't do this - it's ok to say you can't.

 

I still think he's explosions are not ok. It's not ok to repeatedly do that. If he needs a partner who is different than you, who can keep up with that type of lifestyle, that's alright...but tearing you down for it isn't.

 

Just my opinion.

 

Do you care as much as he does about having all those toys? Or are your priorities maybe different? It doesn't make either one of you wrong.

[Emily5x]

I have to admit, I can't blame him for expecting a meal to be ready when he gets home from work, especially considering the two jobs and the very long hours he works. He must be exhausted! You have so much time on your hands to clean up a little and at least cook him a meal, so I can totally understand his frustration. I think anyone would feel the same way.

 

What do you do in all your free time?

 

Exactly me either which is why I usually always do have food for him.

But when I get off at 2 I come home cook most the time or go to the gym, because he's been helping me get motivated to lose weight so I can be

More comfortable with myself, and then by the time he gets home he wants to sleep, and likes me sleeping with him so I usually go to bed and when he gets up for work, out of habit of already being asleep which makes me even more sleepy I accidentally fall asleep, which is the big problem, I can't keep myself up and feel motivated to do anything after being asleep for so long I'm just groggy

[Emily5x]

Well, you aren't worthless. And if you have and are dealing with depression, your limits may be different than someone who has not or isn't dealing with depression. Even if you weren't dealing with depression, people are different and have different temperaments and needs and limits.

 

It's possible you just can't live up to his expectations and be well at the same time. That doesn't make you less than in any way. If you can't do this - it's ok to say you can't.

 

I still think he's explosions are not ok. It's not ok to repeatedly do that. If he needs a partner who is different than you, who can keep up with that type of lifestyle, that's alright...but tearing you down for it isn't.

 

Just my opinion.

 

Do you care as much as he does about having all those toys? Or are your priorities maybe different? It doesn't make either one of you wrong.

 

I feel so bad for not being perfect for him, with all that he does for me. And the toys some I like more than others and, I can always have fun with all them because the way his face lights up when he presents them o me or when we are out having fun with them. The problem I feel could all be fixed possibly with just me figuring something out to motivate myself to do these simple things, which making him happy should be motivation enough, I don't know why it hasent been..

And he is one of the people who don't understand mental health problems, which makes it all even more difficult

[starlight89]

Exactly me either which is why I usually always do have food for him.

But when I get off at 2 I come home cook most the time or go to the gym, because he's been helping me get motivated to lose weight so I can be

More comfortable with myself, and then by the time he gets home he wants to sleep, and likes me sleeping with him so I usually go to bed and when he gets up for work, out of habit of already being asleep which makes me even more sleepy I accidentally fall asleep, which is the big problem, I can't keep myself up and feel motivated to do anything after being asleep for so long I'm just groggy

 

So he chooses to work crazy hours not because he has to but because he wants to. Then this is his problem hun.

 

He sounds a bit controlling to me. He expects you to clean, cook for him, go to bed when he does and he works round the clock so you hardly ever see him, he pushes you to lose weight etc

 

I am seeing some red flags here. You need to set boundaries and limits for yourself. You sound like a normal girl who just wants a life/work balance and you cannot live up to his unrealistic expectations and him trying to constantly change you is abusive and controlling

 

Are you sure he actually IS working all those hours??? Have you seen proof of both companies? Or could he be lying about where he is?

[j.man]

Are you paying equal parts rent?

 

If you're working full time and can afford to, I'd consider opting to chip in 50/50 so that you're not expected to contribute through other means.

 

Are you currently seeing a therapist?

[DoF]

Sounds like you both have big issues. Him overworking himself....that's not healthy AT ALL (and extreme). And you not covering your end.

 

You have the easier fix than him. Focus on that and work hard/cover your responsibility. Meanwhile also think of ways to get rid of that 2nd job of his or figure out a way to cut down on expenses EXTENSIVELY.

[Ms Darcy]

Yeah, it's not clear to me whether or not the financial contributions are 50/50.

[sunnz]

I can see why you're not motivated, not much of a relationship, and at 21 you are still young, it should be a time of having fun, stress free, do what you like doing, if you don't feel like cooking you don't etc.

 

It's his problem, not many people would stick around. Who would want to cook for someone that "explodes".

 

However another solution would be to do a big batch of food for the week and freeze in individual containers and just reheat.

[Emily5x]

Are you paying equal parts rent?

 

If you're working full time and can afford to, I'd consider opting to chip in 50/50 so that you're not expected to contribute through other means.

 

Are you currently seeing a therapist?

 

Yes we both pay everything equally, and I'm not, do you think I should ?

[Ms Darcy]

Yes we both pay everything equally, and I'm not, do you think I should ?

 

I'm not jman, but I think you should. You don't seem to communicate needs and an identity separate from him. You are different mentally (depression versus not), from a work life balance perspective (he works longer hours with limited sleep), financial spending differences (he spends money that he doesn't have - because has to work around the clock to afford it - on toys) etc. You have a different lifestyle.

 

I get the sense you are with him because you feel worthless.

[j.man]

Yes we both pay everything equally, and I'm not, do you think I should ?

Most definitely I think you should for the reasons Darcy put better than I could.

 

However, if you're both pitching in 50/50 financially, then he's got absolutely no place expecting you to pitch in for his dinners and cleaning simply because he's a workaholic.

 

Take my girlfriend and me for example. I work seasonally and have summer and the winter holidays off. She doesn't. She was a little bit resentful at first because I'd have days off but wouldn't run certain errands for her. Now that's fairly natural and I cut her a bit of slack. I know I have a good deal, but that's why I choose to contract. I did let her know that while I'd be glad to help out when I'm feeling it (and I do), just because I happen to have more free time doesn't mean that I owe any of it to her. Luckily, she's extremely rationally minded and recognized it. Incidentally, I felt much more inclined to run errands and do things for her when it was no longer expected but instead appreciated.

 

You don't owe him anything simply because he's working more. If it were a case of you living rent-free, I'd be the first to tell you to suck it up and put an apron on (as I would any man in the same position), but that's not the case here.