iceesnowbubble Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 Here's the shortest way I can describe my situation. I dated a guy for 2 and a half years, a time that included 3 or 4 major break-ups. The last one was huge, and it was promised by him to be the last. That was back in June. Then in December, after months of no contact and what seemed like absolutely no chance of rekindling the relationship, he called me on my birthday and we started talking on the phone again. We proceeded to hang out on new years eve as well as new years day (the first time seeing each other in 6 months) and now it has gotten to the point where we hang out every weekend he is home from college and we act like a couple..cuddling, kissing very passionately, joking just like old times. THe only problem is that we haven't discussed where we stand relationship wise, and i just want to make sure we are both on the same level. I am more than excited at how things are going because I have wanted to get back together since the day that he left me, but at the same time I don't know how to bring up the subject of "getting back together" or our "relationship" without him feeling pressured or scaring him off. I am really happy with the way things are but I don't want to just be a friend with benefits to him but I don't want to mess things up either. Does anyone have any good advice as to what would be a good way to approach the topic in a way that won't scare him but will let it be known that I am not okay with just hooking up and that I want to move towards starting a relationship again? THanks in advance for your time. .. BTW...The reason I need help with this is because he asked me to come visit him at school this weekend which I know will lead to things happen physically between us. I don't want to leave not knowing where we stand because I feel like that is very violating to myself if we hook up but aren't together. It's weird because this weekend just happens to be what would of been our 3 year anniversary... Link to comment
esboogie143 Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 OMG!!!...I'm in the same situation...it's sooo hard!!! And I feel the same way you do... Link to comment
DN Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 ask him - if he doesn't answer in a way you are happy with - don't go and explain why. See what his reaction is Link to comment
goddess23 Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 ouch. tough situation...well if you dont want to be just a friend with benefits then you know what you ahve to do. at least discuss it. i mean without making the tone TOO SERIOUS, just bring it up, "so what are we??!" laughingly. you know? see his reaction. it might give you some valuable info. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 I would just tell him like how you told us. I don't think it should scare him off - I think it's fair that if you're going to be physically involved with someone that you should figure out where you stand first, so feelings don't get hurt later on. I think he'd understand that. Good luck - I hope things go your way! Link to comment
MetallicAguy Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 When he was in the relationship where it had 4 break-ups before you guys started talking on your birthday, he was trapped in this relationship like it was killing him because he didn't know what to do. So that's why he broke up 4 times. That's why he still has feelings for you, I mean if someone had 4 break-ups that wasn't "trapped" then he wouldn't still have feelings for you. Link to comment
jazn84 Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 I would follow everyones advice, just wondering what led up to your last break up? Link to comment
iceesnowbubble Posted February 24, 2005 Author Share Posted February 24, 2005 Thanks to everyone so far for your advice. I know that asking him where we stand is the best way to go, i'm just afraid of coming off as too strong. We have had so many ups and downs in the past I want this to be the time it actually works. Each time in the past after a break up he was the one to come crawling back, and although it has taken longer than usual for him ( this time it was 6 months like i mentioned) i can see the tendencies in his character that he used to have when we were together or when he wanted me back... but at the same time i don't know how he would handle my questioning about getting back together, and I have a feeling he will say " i don't want a relationship right now" which is what i am afraid of because things are going well right now... jazn84- the last break was caused mostly by the fact that he had to take classes for college during the summer at his university, which was 80 miles away. Consequently, we fought a lot and he felt that i was disrespectul to him and "mean" and he no-longer wanted to be with me. metallicAguy-are you saying that he feels "trapped" in a bad way or good way, because you kind of lost me a little bit...? To everyone else, thanks for the advice... anyone have any direct approaches that i should take, as in what exact terminology i should use... such as "i wanna make sure we are on the same level.." that type of thing that won't make him feel like he has to start back into a serious relationship right away? Thanks. .. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 Just as a question for you, what has changed that would make the relationship work this time around? What have you learned? What has he learned? How are things different now? Link to comment
iceesnowbubble Posted February 24, 2005 Author Share Posted February 24, 2005 THe main problem that he had with me when we broke it off was my "lack of respect" and negative attitude at times. Ever since he broke up with me I have come into many situations where i started to realize on my own that I really didn't treat him how he deserved, so i spent the time since we broke up working on that part of my personality, not so that i could get him back but rather so i could better myself as a person. Overall i now have a better attitude about things and I matured a lot since the break-up and i think i have come to terms with a lot of the stupid mistakes i made during our relationship. HE sees that, and i know it..not because i made a point of showing him that i changed, but instead i really HAVE so it just stands out naturally. I know that it could work this time around if he wanted it to and if we actually started off slowly and discussed the issues that were a problem before rather than just jumping back into bad habits. We never had really bad issues when we were together to begin with so now that I have a different attitude about things I think there is a chance that things could work out.. i just don't know how to approach the subject safely... .. Link to comment
Riles84 Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 You cant put all the blame on you though . .it takes both people to havea relationship. If he hasnt worked on issues hes had when u were together, then it still might not work out. Link to comment
Gauchori Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 If he broke up with you last time... than I can agree.. he does see you different.... Ok so you said you were going to get physical on the weekend? Hmm... since I'm a man I may know what will put the screw right back in place but I'm not really shore what do you mean by physical.... All I could say that if you two were kissing... you coulkd just bring the subject right up slowly like others said... (not nesesarilly when kissing but thats when you possibly more confortable and he is too...) so you could say... "you know... it really turn me on before when I knew that we were something... but it just not the same as friends..." something like that.... don't brng the subject "relationship" or "girlfriend" right up... that will ruin the fun, good moment, and good chance... so try to take things out of him slowly... "remember when you asked me out how we pasionally kissed... I can filled it right now..." something like that you know... something that will get him the world 'relationship' in his head... but not really saying it... if you do it right... he will get the point (if's he's not pritty bright.... forget it j/k) so don't go all sad if nothing moves one step forward... the meeting is good, the change in you is awsome... the friendship is growing... and the good old times will come to mind eventually and what you want may come... maybe he wants to weit a little longer this time to test you or see if you really chaged some or just faking it and... give him his time... and keep working on it... Thats... all I can say and that comes to mind so far.... Hope that was something Link to comment
iceesnowbubble Posted February 24, 2005 Author Share Posted February 24, 2005 Gauchori ~ Basically your advice is to not bring up the subject before this weekend and bring it up in the heat of the moment ... but i'm a little afraid to do that because he might just tell me what i want to hear... but i like your advice about kinda just planting the seed and letting it grow in his head on its own if you understand my stupid analogy..haha..thanks for the advice everyone... i'm talking to him tomorrow night hopefully so i'll let you know if the subject comes up..if it doesn't then ill go with your advice gauchori and just talk to him about it when we are messing around.. .. Link to comment
Mun Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 ...and I have a feeling he will say " i don't want a relationship right now" which is what i am afraid of because things are going well right now..... I think before you approach this you need to be very sure that if he gives you a line like this you are prepared to walk. No excuses. Why ? because you know what you want and you should not settle for less. If you do stay even after he were to tell you "no relationship" you will get hurt. So be prepared to stand your ground and walk away if you have to. I think you should tell him straight out. You can say " look xxxx I want to come see you, but I don't know if that will lead to sex and the thing is that I need to be in an exclusive relationship before taking that step" Now if he is a louse he might tell you " yes we are exclusive"just to get you to come down and sleep with him so ... is he a guy you can trust? Would he do that? That's up to you to know. You shouldn't feel bad about asking this way because you are not asking anything OF HIM.. you are simply letting him know what YOU want and what would make you feel better. That's not the same as forcing him into a relationship. It gives him a choice. He chooses to be exclusive or not. Always speak in terms of what you want and nobody will feel forced ( or trapped) into anything. If he gives you the line of " I'm not looking for a relationship" then you know where you stand... and you can stop wasting your time on him. Best wishes! Link to comment
Gauchori Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 so you want to get in a relationship before the weekend? OH!!!!! Now you really lost me.... Link to comment
iceesnowbubble Posted February 24, 2005 Author Share Posted February 24, 2005 haha.. i don't want to get into a relationship before the weekend.. i just want to establish with him the fact that i'm not a friend with benefits..but rather that we can start rebuilding TOWARDS the relationship we had before. I just don't want to be his benefit buddy, that's all. haha. sorry if i lost you. diction is everything when it comes to a website like this..sorry i lost ya. hope that helped. .. Link to comment
Gauchori Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 this is really odd.... I should had been the one helping you not.... backwards.... anyways.... the less you think about something... the more chance you'll get it... and I get your logic about the seed thing.... I not.... that.... really... stupid ha ha ha j/k I get it... Link to comment
iceesnowbubble Posted February 24, 2005 Author Share Posted February 24, 2005 wow..so far everyone has made really valid points and are making it easier for me to realize that i'm doing the right thing and i have no reason to be afraid of what he will say. I deserve to know what his expectations are for the relationship and if he says that he doesn't want to be together than no sex for him~! haha..that's not what this is all about but that's my main concern is getting too involved if we aren't together because thats just not my thing. I'm thinking about not even bringing up the matter on the phone when i speak to him before i go to see him because i would rather address the issue at hand in person anyway because i feel like i'll be a little bit more in control. OF course its risky, but i think im going to approach it just as Gauchori said bring it up in the midst of things happening. Muneca i like your advice as well.. it was kinda like the little spark i needed to give me the confidence to go through with talking about it with him. i love this website. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 I'm glad to hear you feel this way!!! Yes, I believe that if you are about to get naked with someone, you have every right to know where you two stand. It's not being needy or pushy - just smart. And, if for no other reason, you don't want to expose yourself to diseases if you find out he has a few FWB right now... Good luck when you see him!!! Link to comment
iceesnowbubble Posted February 24, 2005 Author Share Posted February 24, 2005 thanks annie.. you have a positive attitude and thats appreciated around websites like this.. =) For some reason i just have a feeling that things will be okay, mostly because we have eased back into this whole thing slowly and are starting to get to know each other again, plus he broke up with me and he is the one who started iniated contact again. We'll see where it goes.. and i'll be sure to post after i see him this weekend. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 awww ... thanks! Yes, please keep us updated. I hope things go great this weekend! Link to comment
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