First stage of divorce how to deal with the pain, and loss of family.

[Johnny Anony]

I began in this forum with the topic of my wife drifting away and it being too late, some members gave me some great advice and I am truly greatful. She definitely isn't coming back, and I respect her for that, she told me for years that we were having issues and I was just so in my own head that I never listened. I wish I did because I love her so much, I really wish I could get into a time machine and fix things. But all I can prepare for now is our children, and how I'm personally going to deal with this pain. It's better that I leave which is what I'm doing tomorrow, my wife is on the couch. She will go to work, I'll drop the kids off at school and go home and pack. We live in a rural area and I'll be returning to the city where I'm from. I just need to know if anyone out there has any advice on how I can deal with this pain and loss.

[Realitynut]

no...but (((hugs))). Just time. And it will suck.

[DoF]

Sounds like you are willing to work on yourself and fix things......she won't give you a chance?

 

Sorry to hear though. Take your time to heal, recover and reflect on yourself. You need to learn from all of this so you don't repeat the same mistakes in the future relationship.

 

Your kids will be just fine. As long as both you and your ex remain a big part of their life, trust me. They don't care if daddy and mommie are together, they just care that BOTH of you are around.

 

I would also recommend keeping your relationship with your ex wife "CHILD ONLY". Don't talk to her about anything but your kids.

[ontar]

Having been through it I can tell you that it takes time but you naturally heal as you go through the stages of grief.

 

As hard as it may be to imagine, it does get better.

[journeynow]

I"m sorry to hear this. If she is "not coming back" and has given up, then she should be the one to leave, pack and move, find a new place. That's my advice. If you are wanting to stay and work on it, stay and be commit to working on it. If she is throwing in the towel, her decision, she needs to walk the talk and make the move to a new place, and the two of you work out custody.

[ontar]

she should be the one to leave, pack and move, find a new place.

 

Not if she's the primary caregiver to the children, which is usually the case.

 

It usually goes like this:

 

Caregiver wife "You're a good guy who works hard to care for me and the children, however, I don't want to be married anymore [quite often you could add 'because I found a guy I like better], please leave the house as soon as possible thank you for your cooperation in this matter, I know that you'll be lucky if you can afford a small apartment after we're done splitting everything up and you pay me most of your take home income in support"

[Johnny Anony]

I"m sorry to hear this. If she is "not coming back" and has given up, then she should be the one to leave, pack and move, find a new place. That's my advice. If you are wanting to stay and work on it, stay and be commit to working on it. If she is throwing in the towel, her decision, she needs to walk the talk and make the move to a new place, and the two of you work out custody.

We have discussed her leaving but she I'll be the primary care giver, I work out of town. What's best for the children is for the to stay in the home and stay in their school. She has told me she doesn't even want the house. She just wants help with the kids, but she has no idea how much money it takes, I respect her for that but told her I would keep paying for the house. When I get back to work and on my feet illsee a lawyer asap and we will go over alimony, child support.it is what it is. My children shouldn't have to live sub standard to what they are used to. Besides I live out of hotels and work camps any way. Thank you for the input

[journeynow]

My children shouldn't have to live sub standard to what they are used to.

 

Exactly. Because it is her choice. THe one quitting the relationship bears the responsibility of the fallout. I know that sound harsh, but in effect, the kids will see you as the one leaving the family.

 

However, if in essence you "left" the relationship long ago by being unwilling to work on it when she asked for it, then I guess you left emotionally, so leaving physically makes sense.

[Johnny Anony]

Exactly. Because it is her choice. THe one quitting the relationship bears the responsibility of the fallout. I know that sound harsh, but in effect, the kids will see you as the one leaving the family.

 

However, if in essence you "left" the relationship long ago by being unwilling to work on it when she asked for it, then I guess you left emotionally, so leaving physically makes sense.

There lyes the bitter truth, if I would have worked in the past for her maybe this really wouldn't be happening. I am willing to work on things now but it's too late when she looks you in the eyes and says she wants to be with other men. I'm just focusing now on my kids, being here is hurting them. Then I'll work on me.

[unhappyinid]

There lyes the bitter truth, if I would have worked in the past for her maybe this really wouldn't be happening. I am willing to work on things now but it's too late when she looks you in the eyes and says she wants to be with other men. I'm just focusing now on my kids, being here is hurting them. Then I'll work on me.

 

You're a big man for doing that. Don't lose yourself in trying to make her happy, though. Really focus on being a better man so that you can be the best father.

[Jeffbobo]

Since she doesn't want the house, I'd suggest discussing selling it and finding separate households where at least one of you is in the same school district and that both can have joint custody of the kids.

[Johnny Anony]

Since she doesn't want the house, I'd suggest discussing selling it and finding separate households where at least one of you is in the same school district and that both can have joint custody of the kids.

We live in a rural town, we are from a larger city. I'm a Pipefitter out of work, finances are really bad. She's just gonna live in the house right now.,im just now facing all of this. I'll have to wait till I get back to work then get some finances figured out. Then sell the house, we just bought it 4 years ago

[Johnny Anony]

An update to this thread would be that dealing with my pain has to take a back seat, my children have gone though a very traumatic year with all the fighting. My wife and I have separated, I'm out of work, she barely works, we have to maintain a positive arrangement for childcare while she does work So we don't both sink. We are not sure how to break this news to the children, as far as they know dad is in the city looking for work. We are not sure if just keeping the split from the kids, and just proceeding as normal positively is the best idea, or if some communication to regards to this separation is better. Anyone have any advice?

[Realitynut]

johnny...make a new thread asking this question. You might get more responses.

[Johnny Anony]

Exactly. Because it is her choice. THe one quitting the relationship bears the responsibility of the fallout. I know that sound harsh, but in effect, the kids will see you as the one leaving the family.

 

However, if in essence you "left" the relationship long ago by being unwilling to work on it when she asked for it, then I guess you left emotionally, so leaving physically makes sense.

After a couple of weeks having left the door open for her to reconsider, she has decided to move forward and ultimately leave her family broken by not even trying to work on it. I have thought long and hard and I have been taking all the blame here by accepting that my lack of affection, service, and affirmation gave her every right to walk towards another man, but what about the fact that I was hurting, that she was always miserable, yelling and screaming at me and the kids, who can be happy enough to want to be affectionate towards anyone who is so unhappy. What did she do to try fix her emotional breakdowns, and mood issues. Resulting from her misery I was depressed, I went to counselling, I went on medication that just made me gain 40lbs,my body suffered. Stress is a very powerful, I am now off all drugs, I have lost 20 lbs. I am sad that my kids have to go through this, and this still hurts. Just last week after I picked up my son she calls me to say that she had her friend over in our family home to play video games with her and my kids. It had only been a week since I left, I was in shock,. I have since returned into my house, with my children and she has moved out. She never even wanted this house, she can't even spell investment. This will give her time to "help her find herself" but there was no way I was going to be willing to work on my marriage, and she wasn't and let her live in my house while I slept in on an air mattress in my elderly parents basement. On a more positive note this does keep me in the town, in the kids house, the kids don't have to lose their rooms, because I was going to sell. Their mother can move on and get a place of her own which will keep her happy for a year and a half, and we could still be parents in the same area. I just won't exhibit anger towards her, there's no point I'll just come on these forums and vent.

[Lester]

Did you ever get/read Gary Smalley's "If only he knew"?

[Johnny Anony]

Did you ever get/read Gary Smalley's "If only he knew"?

Hey Lester, I've actually ordered that book from Amazon, should be here by the end of the week, I did read the 5 love languages, and I'm trying to read up on as much marriage/relationship to make sure I am whole, and really ready to share my life with someone in the future. Right now I'm mainly focusing on my kids, and this transition.

[kbbcoop77]

I would also go to the website http://Www.chumplady.com because you have been "chumped" like I have. Obviously your ex wife is a cheater like mine, they chose to leave instead of working on the relationship, destroying the family unit and not giving a damn because it's all about "their happiness"...my wife left me after 24 years and our kids barely have anything to do with her, our daughter was 17 at the time she still lives with me, going to school to be a Veterinary Tech, I've got a new great job, I have a great relationship with the kids and as far as I know she's still jobless in some old apartment with her cheater partner and he has to support her HAHA and I kept the house and the kids.. They're 19 and 28 but I kept the relationship with them they celebrate all holidays with me and barely see her our son hasn't spoken to her in months. So let her go and enjoy your kids be a great dad!

[Dave5]

Hey I will look at this site thanks,I am kinda in the same boat abeit all she wanted was the house and some child support that's it. guilty conscious i am sure She did the same to me "Gave UP" lied for years about our issues and how she felt and now primping and acting like she did when we met,that's gratitude for you stick with them when they have all their issues. then when they are better or decide to boot you its back to the "normal self".

Now I am stuck with the sorrow depression and loss.

[Dave5]

I began in this forum with the topic of my wife drifting away and it being too late, some members gave me some great advice and I am truly greatful. She definitely isn't coming back, and I respect her for that, she told me for years that we were having issues and I was just so in my own head that I never listened. I wish I did because I love her so much, I really wish I could get into a time machine and fix things. But all I can prepare for now is our children, and how I'm personally going to deal with this pain. It's better that I leave which is what I'm doing tomorrow, my wife is on the couch. She will go to work, I'll drop the kids off at school and go home and pack. We live in a rural area and I'll be returning to the city where I'm from. I just need to know if anyone out there has any advice on how I can deal with this pain and loss.

 

I am going through it now and NO I wish I knew how myself

[Johnny Anony]

I am going through it now and NO I wish I knew how myself

Dave I do know this, and that is I wrote this message almost 2 months ago. I heard so many people tell me that things would get better. It's true, the pain does lessen significantly. I have pain right now. It's more pain from mourning the loss of my family, than my ex leaving but the storm isn't over. Your not alone man, keep on reading forums, check out you tube for some advice, join a gym, journal write, seek counseling. This sucks, I got my kids for the weekend and it's the first weekend I have them since she moved out of this house to her apartment, and it's been difficult but it's all about new beginnings and learning how to do this by myself. I still have my share of grief to go through but it gets better everyday. We got a long road ahead of us but trust me it's going to get better.

[tina-rocks]

I am sooo! Sorry that you facing this and after reading your thread, couldnt help but shed a tear for you.

 

There is no easy way to deal with the pain you are facing now, but I admire how brave you are being about this, even though it's tearing you up inside. Keep yourself busy with work and get out when you can, it will help you to focus on other things.

 

Christina

[thejigsup]

There's a lesson here. Men, NEVER ignore your wife. The shouting, nagging, bad moods all come from resentment CAUSED BY YOU! Your wife is a classy lady, she let you keep the house. Most don't. If I were her I would be thinking, NOW he wants to work on it! F*CKI HIM!

[Johnny Anony]

There's a lesson here. Men, NEVER ignore your wife. The shouting, nagging, bad moods all come from resentment CAUSED BY YOU! Your wife is a classy lady, she let you keep the house. Most don't. If I were her I would be thinking, NOW he wants to work on it! F*CKI HIM!

She's more than welcome to keep the house, if she could afford it. There's no equity in the home. I'm just selling it. It is sad that both of us lacked the communication to work on things the right way before it was too late so the kids had a chance. You have to wonder though maybe we just were both unhappy, and this is for the best. Never the less why do you troll on someone else's pain. That's a terrible thing to do. These are real people who have real pain and you post negative rants about how my split with my classy cheating wife was my fault. You don't know me, you have no idea what I've been through and the problems that lead up to our break up. I'm sorry you have such pain in your life that you have to on someone else's misfortune to make yourself feel better. I pity you. Get help

[tina-rocks]

She's more than welcome to keep the house, if she could afford it. There's no equity in the home. I'm just selling it. It is sad that both of us lacked the communication to work on things the right way before it was too late so the kids had a chance. You have to wonder though maybe we just were both unhappy, and this is for the best. Never the less why do you troll on someone else's pain. That's a terrible thing to do. These are real people who have real pain and you post negative rants about how my split with my classy cheating wife was my fault. You don't know me, you have no idea what I've been through and the problems that lead up to our break up. I'm sorry you have such pain in your life that you have to on someone else's misfortune to make yourself feel better. I pity you. Get help

 

There will always be some, that are very quick to judge, without walking a day in your shoes. The lesson there is for them, not you Johnny Anony. Sad but true!

 

I feel your pain. Been where you are and it's a tough place and a very lonely feeling. No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors and there isn't any such thing, as the perfect relationship and in some cases, there's only a beautiful disaster. When any marriage breaks down, hard to blame just one person, as it's almost always both who play their part in a breakdown, but it order to move on, we have to forgive ourselves, for whatever we might feel we did wrong, in order to move on. There is no turning back the clock, if we could, the world would be in chaos, with the mistakes all have made. I will say one thing. Cheating is not acceptable, not for me and if you do fall out of love, leave the person, then move on with someone else, she didn't do that, so my opinion, she is the one at fault.

 

Your a brave man. A strong one too, by the sound of it.

 

Christina