Says he wants to change, but when?

[commoncore]

Hi everyone-

 

My ex and I broke up nearly 4 years ago We both dated other people in between, but always kept an "on and off" friendly relationship with each other throughout. Now that we are both single, we have been spending more time together and have a very strong relationship with each other. He says he misses me and that he deeply loves me, and that while he does want to be with me, he feels that he is not at the point in his life where he is comfortable and confident in his own skin (he is currently unemployed), that I deserve better, and doesn't think now is the right time.

 

He says he wants to change and that he wants to "work on himself" and do "soul searching", but this conversation has come up several times before, even when we were both dating other people. I find myself waiting for him, hoping that I am the change he needs to better himself. I understand he wants to work on himself..is it selfish of me to feel hurt? As much as he says he misses and loves me, he keeps making excuses and i cant help but feel like I am wasting my own time, waiting for him while everything seems to be on his time. I care for him deeply, and feel equally disappointed walking away as I would waiting around. If he wanted to be with me so badly, wouldn't he want to change that much more? Any insight?

[ThatwasThen]

You ARE wasting your own time that is why you feel as if you are. Talk is cheap and he's shown you over and over again by his lack of action that he's not changing anytime soon, if at all.

[commoncore]

Thank you ThatwasThen. I agree, I know in my head that I am wasting my time and that he won't change. But in my heart, I'm holding out and hoping he will come around and change for the better. I do love him, and if he would only get his act together I truly believe it would work. At what point do you listen to your head and not your heart?

[ThatwasThen]

Thank you ThatwasThen. I agree, I know in my head that I am wasting my time and that he won't change. But in my heart, I'm holding out and hoping he will come around and change for the better. I do love him, and if he would only get his act together I truly believe it would work. At what point do you listen to your head and not your heart?

 

The minute his words don't match his actions. If he was going to change, you would have seen some evidence of that by now. Don't waste anymore of your time and emotions on him. Go no contact now so that you can get over him. You're wasting good dating years hoping. Tell him that when he's shown you in actions that he has his stuff together to give you a call then and if you're still single, you'll meet him for coffee. Don't hold your breath though.

 

I know its hard but when you love yourself, you know that you MUST look after your own emotional well being and hanging around waiting for someone's lip service to take action is not looking after yourself, commoncore.

 

In time, you'll be glad your to the stage of indifference to him because that is when you'll meet a good man who doesn't need fixing.

[boltnrun]

He says he's going to "change" but what motivation does he have to actually do any changing?

 

If you stick around, spending time with him, maybe even sleeping with him, he's getting all the benefits of a relationship without having to "change".

[ParisPaulette]

Wanting to change is such a far cry from changing that it's not even funny. I've known plenty of drug addicts, alcoholics, people in stagnant careers, myself wanting to lose those last ten pounds, and the list goes on about "wanting to change" but if that were all it took to change the world would be a happy, addiction free place and I'd look as good as I did in my 20s.

 

Want to change is code for "I'm going to toss enough hope out there for you to keep you hanging around when I need back up, but honey I didn't say I was changing today. Or tomorrow. Or any time really, I just made noises at you to get you off my back. Change? Yeah, go look under the couch, there's your change."

 

All "I want" and I'm gonna" do is keep you making excuses for the way a person is NOW, not tomorrow, not some mysterious future, but NOW. That's all you can base a relationship or not on, never a promise of "gonna" wanna."

 

He's just stringing you along and you're letting him and you both know he's full of crap.

[NoTimeline]

in the end he's going to change when HE WANTS TO. not when he says he is. don't go into it with much expectation but keep an open mind