Need help dealing with information about husband's childhood sexual abuse

[NebraskaJones]

I recently learned my husband was sexually abused as a child by his older brother. I did not press for many details, but he mentioned his brother did it when he was in his "young teenage years," which would put my husband around 9ish years old. My husband said his brother forced him to perform oral sex on him many times and this is all I know.

 

To make a very long story short, I now don't want anything to do with most of his family and I want to know how unreasonable I'm being or how I might cope.

 

I don't want anything to do with his POS brother--I find myself freaking hating that guy so much right now, and we've always had a relatively cordial relationship--now I don't want to ever hear that guy, hear about him, talk to him, or take my beloved daughter within ten feet of his stupid butt.

 

I already didn't get along with his mother, and this makes me dislike her even more because, whether it is fair or not, I partially blame her. I know sometimes parents do their best and raise a child who commits terrible acts under their nose without them knowing, but I just feel that woman was lax and irresponsible with her children. (My husband has told me it was fairly routine for his older brother to harass him physically growing up--I don't buy that his mother had no idea.)

 

The rest of his family tree is peppered with alcoholics and drug addicts (seriously just about every single one of them, though many are in recovery). With this new information, it really just feels like it's some sort of family epidemic. I just feel like bad behavior is rampant in that whole family, both sides, mother and father--like these are just dysfunctional people who don't know how to behave in life.

 

The problem is that we have a baby (and people seem to believe toting your baby around to all the relatives all the time is mandatory), plus husband likes to spend time with his family, which has been a source of contention between us in the past.

 

I need advice and tips on how to cope and how to act and what to do.

[starlight89]

Has your husband recieved counselling for what happened?? I would encourage him to see someone and talk all this through.

 

I get how you feel but your anger and hate for his family will not help him. It will probably just cause him more stress and anxiety.

 

I think you should get him to see a counsellor first for awhile to focus on what happened and later join in on the sessions to see how you and he can deal with the family situation.

 

Until then all you can do is keep your daughter safe by never allowing any of them to be alone with her.

 

If his whole family is messed up and dysfunctional and he grew up around all this, do you worry that some of that past dysfunction could carry over into your relationship? Counselling is very important so he fully understands that all those things you mentioned are NOT okay.

[aliceunderice]

How horrendous I think all you can do is stand behind your husband on this and support him in whatever he wants to do. I agree with starlight89 showing your hate for his family will just make him more stressed and anxious.

[charity]

I think you need to support your husband in what way he wants to handle this. Its his family and his issues...its not really about you. I certainly would not be comfortable leaving my children alone with the family. But other than that I think if you should follow your husband's lead in this. Perhaps you would be happier if you all cut ties with his family but if that not what he wants then so be it. Don't add to his stressful situation.

[Seraphim]

Your husband will need therapy if he hasn't already. I was sexually abused by several able as a child including my father's brother. I had therapy as a teenager that I don't remember but returned to therapy in my mid 40s because I had a complete mental and physical breakdown. I am now doing much much better.

 

After my break down what my husband did to help me was he went to therapy to learn how to help me with my PTSD. The sexual abuse is about your husband and you should handle it in the way that he wants to handle it but you might need help with your own feelings about this too.

 

Do not leave your children with your brother-in -law.

[Blue_Skirt]

I am very sorry to hear what happened to your husband. Did he have therapy / counselling?

 

If your husband likes to spend time with his family, that is really up to him. He is an adult, he should take his own decisions. I also think you have to right to not see that family anymore. I was abused by my brother. Over the years I have cut ties with the entire family. For me this was the best thing to do, it brought peace to my life and nobody has the right to judge me.

 

When it comes to the baby, that is a totally different situation. From what you are writing here, your husbands family seems to be dysfunctional. Given the fact that your husband was abused by his brother, I think you should never leave your child unattended and I can really understand, that you would not want your baby around these people at all. This is something you will have to discuss with your husband, but the childs’ safety is the most important thing here.

[NebraskaJones]

Thank you all for your replies and advice.

 

He has not had any counseling or therapy about the abuse--he said he has not told anybody except me. He has gone to therapy, however, many times, according to him, mostly during his youth (because of drug use--he says he was "forced" to go). This whole topic came up during the course of me trying to encourage him to go to therapy for his anger issues (not violent towards me or the baby) and inability to communicate well. (I finally asked him for more information about the abuse he'd only mentioned once, almost ten years ago, because I really felt it was the missing piece of the puzzle and I think I was right.) I've tried to get him to therapy many times, but he has a very negative attitude towards therapy, psychologists, psychiatrists, as well as prescription medications such as antidepressants and anti-psychotics--he says he's tried all of that and it is "not for him."

 

However, he does not flat-out refuse to go, so I think there is hope I can get him into therapy (I think I need it as well.) Does anybody have suggestions for finding a good therapist? I've gone to one before, but she was referred to by my gynecologist, so I'm not sure where to start and what to look for this time.

If his whole family is messed up and dysfunctional and he grew up around all this, do you worry that some of that past dysfunction could carry over into your relationship?

Yes, this was why I finally pressed him for information about the abuse. He is not abusive at all towards either me or the baby, but I am not really happy in this marriage and I was starting to think that many of our issues might have stemmed from that abuse. (For example, he has hygiene issues, and many times I've seen people say this is sometimes symptomatic of childhood sexual abuse. Also he's pretty much used drugs constantly since he was a teenager and only been completely sober for less than two of the ten years I've known him, though now it's just marijuana, whereas before it was everything else including heroin.)

 

charity, I agree with most of your post, but I disagree that it's just his issue and not mine. He is my husband. His brother's behavior almost certainly contributed to problems that I have with him today--problems that have brought us close to divorce, breaking up our family, and hurting our daughter's future. I agree with what most people have said, that I should consider my husband's feelings and not add to his trouble by lashing out against his family, however, I will not "follow his lead" where his POS brother is concerned.

 

For most of his family I'm going to follow the advice you all have given me here. I'm not going to try to cut ties with all of them just because of this, I'm not going to make a big fuss, but I'm not going to leave the baby alone with any of them who I don't completely trust 100%.

 

As for his brother....I swear I wish I could say what I really think about him but I know profanity is not allowed here. I'm not sure how I'm going to move forward with him. I've always been friendly, we send Christmas cards, and...we've just always been friendly. He calls my husband several times a year (we live hundreds of miles away) and they talk for a long time. It's going to be hard to listen to those conversations because I'm going to want to explode. I'm pretty sure my daughter will never hear anything positive about her Uncle come out of my mouth. He'll never be alone with her and he's basically never going to have a normal "uncle" relationship with her.

 

I do want to respect my husband's wishes, but I could tell talking to him that he is not really clear-headed about the issue. After initially telling me about it he asked, kind of in a childlike way, "Is it really weird that I think he might not have meant any harm by it?" From an objective perspective, it doesn't matter if he "meant any harm." What he did was WRONG and he was old enough to know that. His brother has always had a tendency to be obnoxious. Husband had told me before that his brother bullied him. Now I see the full picture. He's just a first class POS jerk who doesn't understand how to respect other people and be kind to them.

 

One last question--would it be a really bad move to be honest with his brother? Like...if he one day asked me, "Why do you not send Christmas cards any more? Why do you not come visit? Why are we never invited over?" Would it be really wrong for me to be honest? Would that be overstepping my bounds and not respecting my husband's possible wish for privacy about it? I don't plan on directly confronting him, I just mean if he notices a complete change in my attitude towards him.

The sexual abuse is about your husband and you should handle it in the way that he wants to handle it but you might need help with your own feelings about this too.

Definitely.

[saluk]

While the abuse is significant and vile, it happened many many years ago. You just found out about it, but your husband has had many many years of some sort of relationship with his family members, including his brother. Obviously there are some deep seated and unresolved issues relating to that, but from his perspective, I'll bet it's a lot easier to just pretend it never happened and focus on whatever their current relationship is like. If he calls and talks on the phone a couple times a year, in a normal case that didn't have a history of abuse, that would be seen as a fairly healthy relationship for two brothers to have. Just consider what this is like from his perspective.

[starlight89]

Why have you spent 10years with an addict/alcoholic who refuses to get proper help to treat the underlying issue (the abuse). Why have a child with a man who is so emotionally and mentally stunted? How can he be a good father with all these issues that he still refuses to try and change?

 

You know you cannot fix him, right? Quit trying. You have tried for long enough and he will not confront his demons for you or your child. He will only do it if he wants to and he has made it clear he doesn't want to change in order to give his child a better upbringing than he had.

 

Don't let history repeat itself here. I personally would leave. Not because he was abused but because of how he chooses to deal with that by self medicating and abusing drugs/alcohol amd refusing to seek professional help.

 

And the anger you mention really worries me. Just because he is not violent, does not mean he is not capable of harming you or your daughter. An issue with anger can go from 0-10 in seconds. For many women in abusive relationships who are now dead or seriously disfigured, it was the one and only time he ever attacked physically.

 

If he id verbally abusive or cannot control his temper or anger then there is a risk for future violence.

 

Again I want to make it clear that I know he was a victim and it is awful what happened and not his fault but he is an adult now with his own family to look after. If he cannot grow up, get the help he needs, make positive changes and give his daughter a chance to have a normal, happy childhood (not surrounded by drugs, alcohol and anger) then I think it is your job as a mother to protect your child from his dysfunction and get out