Breaking 15 months NC, because things are not changing.

[Taven]

I'll try and keep this as simple as. I met my ex (him 30, me 27) spring 2014, we spent a wonderful summer together, would spend the weekend together every fortnight, so we never fell into that slump, it was 7 months honeymoon period. He went to America 7 months later for vacation, came back, got a promotion and told me he didn't think he was going to fall in love with me, and that he's never loved anyone and nobody has ever loved him and that I was the first to love him.

 

I wasn't devastated. I don't think I ever grieved properly? I dunno, I'm not the type to hide or deny feelings, I just let myself feel. I got back to work after a couple of weeks off and just started living life as I did before. I still laugh, enjoy life, I've had brief romantic flings though never anything of substance and I always went to sleep thinking of my ex.

 

Fast forward 15 months since we split (which is when I iniated NC) and I don't feel any better. As I said, I can continue will life perfectly fine, but every day I think about him, and miss him, because he was a beautiful lovely man and I could have easily spent the rest of my life with him. This isn't rose coloured glasses talking, it was the happiest period of my life.

 

So, I've been thinking about contacting him (well, I have for 7 months now but have talked myself out of it) Why? I don't know, scared I guess.

 

I just feel like I am not getting anywhere and I need some sort of closure. I don't want to be thinking about him for the rest of my life if I can't have him, so I want to get over this and be happy single.

 

Also surprisingly for me, I think I'd be ok if he has found a partner in this time, as long as he's happy.

 

I should stress, we dated for 7 months, I've been missing him for 15. I mean how much longer should I bare this ...

[ArtyO]

Most people will probably teel you not to contact him because you still have feelings and arn't healed. That contacting him will just set you back and reopen all the inital feelings you had for him. That is probably true if you see him. If you invite him out for coffee to catch up and he doesn't respond, then you are stuck feeling guilty and angry and annoyed and hurt that he didn't have the courtacy to even get back to you.

 

Its a risk my friend. I'm of the mind to say take a chance and get back in touch and maybe re-connect. You only live once, so you have to prepair yourself for renewed rejection and hurt feelings. If you go into it saying what the hell do I have to loose, and guard your heart and say "whatever" and actually expect to have silience or a cold reception if you meet up, and anything better is a blessing, than in my opinion go for it.

 

There are always those people who we will never get over. There is a woman who I dream of seeing still, even though it was a brief fling 2 years ago. She was that amazing. I just want to see her, say hi. Thats it. Show her how I changed and progressed. If you feel good about yourself and would like to show this man how you are, why not...

[Taven]

Most people will probably teel you not to contact him because you still have feelings and arn't healed. That contacting him will just set you back and reopen all the inital feelings you had for him. That is probably true if you see him. If you invite him out for coffee to catch up and he doesn't respond, then you are stuck feeling guilty and angry and annoyed and hurt that he didn't have the courtacy to even get back to you.

 

Its a risk my friend. I'm of the mind to say take a chance and get back in touch and maybe re-connect. You only live once, so you have to prepair yourself for renewed rejection and hurt feelings. If you go into it saying what the hell do I have to loose, and guard your heart and say "whatever" and actually expect to have silience or a cold reception if you meet up, and anything better is a blessing, than in my opinion go for it.

 

There are always those people who we will never get over. There is a woman who I dream of seeing still, even though it was a brief fling 2 years ago. She was that amazing. I just want to see her, say hi. Thats it. Show her how I changed and progressed. If you feel good about yourself and would like to show this man how you are, why not...

 

Thanks for the post Arty, I'm not sure what wounds can be reopened, as I say I've not healed at all, so there is not "setting myself back" so to speak. I don't think he would ignore me, he's a decent guy anyhow so it'd be out of character, and we ended things more than amicably.

 

It's scary how some people stick in your mind for such a long period of time isn't it?

[overthemoon86]

Think about this, how come he has not reached out to you? He is just as capable of getting in contact with you and he hasn't...I think that should speak volumes.

[ThatwasThen]

I should stress, we dated for 7 months, I've been missing him for 15. I mean how much longer should I bare this ...

By my estimation you should bear it indefinitely as long as you refuse to stop thinking about him and pining for him.

 

You won't get closure from contacting him, in fact you'll just set yourself back to stage one of your healing. Consider it you falling off the wagon from an addiction to your drug of choice known as "bad choice for a lifemate"

 

Stop yourself from thinking about him the minute you find him in your head.

Accept that what you had with him was simply a fling that has ended (because that is what it was)

Stop looking in the rear view mirror for inconsequential glimpses of a man that was once in your life and look forward to your next adventure in dating.

 

If you can't do that then rather then contact him, put the focus on yourself and get yourself into therapy where you and your counselor can come to terms with why you want to stagnate your love life on someone who isn't a worthy partner for you.

 

There is a reason why you pine after someone who would never commit to you and didn't even want an NSA relationship to go past the point that it had. You deserve to figure that out and then get on with your life without him in it. Do not let him steal your joy one second longer.

[Taven]

Think about this, how come he has not reached out to you? He is just as capable of getting in contact with you and he hasn't...I think that should speak volumes.

 

I asked him not to contact me again as it would take a long time to get over him (and I was right). But I wouldn't expect him to anyway, I honestly don't think he's missed me in a way he'd want to get back with me otherwise he would have contacted me.

 

By my estimation you should bear it indefinitely as long as you refuse to stop thinking about him and pining for him.

 

You won't get closure from contacting him, in fact you'll just set yourself back to stage one of your healing. Consider it you falling off the wagon from an addiction to your drug of choice known as "bad choice for a lifemate"

 

Stop yourself from thinking about him the minute you find him in your head.

Accept that what you had with him was simply a fling that has ended (because that is what it was)

Stop looking in the rear view mirror for inconsequential glimpses of a man that was once in your life and look forward to your next adventure in dating.

 

If you can't do that then rather then contact him, put the focus on yourself and get yourself into therapy where you and your counselor can come to terms with why you want to stagnate your love life on someone who isn't a worthy partner for you.

 

There is a reason why you pine after someone who would never commit to you and didn't even want an NSA relationship to go past the point that it had. You deserve to figure that out and then get on with your life without him in it. Do not let him steal your joy one second longer.

 

 

But I haven't done any healing? I'm not past stage one! I can't go back to anything as I've never been there.

 

I try not thinking about him but I have so many triggers I just can't seem to shake.

[ThatwasThen]

BTW: You're far too vulnerable to contact someone that only wanted a sexual relationship with you without commitment. He will very easily (if inclined) have you in the same dynamic once again only to shred you like cabbage for coleslaw when he goes cold on you yet again. (which he will because he's never loved anyone )

 

 

 

But I haven't done any healing? I'm not past stage one! I can't go back to anything as I've never been there.

 

I try not thinking about him but I have so many triggers I just can't seem to shake.

Then invest in personal therapy instead of contacting him. Focus on you and your personal growth and not him and his user self.

 

He's NEVER LOVED ANYONE. Keep yourself away from people like him. You don't reactivate the chance for them to hurt you again.

[Clinton]

Do what you have to do to move on from this. If contacting him might do that for you, contact him. Just realise that he's not going to be in a relationship with you. He may welcome a quick fling but a relationship, odds are not.

 

But you're stuck in limbo. If this shakes you free, why not do it.

[ThatwasThen]

I think anything less or more then him telling the OP to lose his number is going to "set him free." Even then he's going to continue to dream in this current state he is in known as "limerence" until he can do the mental work he needs to do to stop obsessing.

 

OP: Google "limerence" and read the wiki link to it because it describes your current state of pining over unreciprocated unfatuation.

[ThatwasThen]

I think anything less or more then him telling the OP to lose his number is going to "set him free." Even then he's going to continue to dream in this current state he is in known as "limerence" until he can do the mental work he needs to do to stop obsessing.

 

I think if he wasn't sub-consciously seeking out people to talk him out of it... he would have just contacted the dude by now.

[Taven]

BTW: You're far too vulnerable to contact someone that only wanted a sexual relationship with you without commitment. He will very easily (if inclined) have you in the same dynamic once again only to shred you like cabbage for coleslaw when he goes cold on you yet again. (which he will because he's never loved anyone )

 

Then invest in personal therapy instead of contacting him. Focus on you and your personal growth and not him and his user self.

 

He's NEVER LOVED ANYONE. Keep yourself away from people like him. You don't reactivate the chance for them to hurt you again.

 

What are you talking about?

 

We were boyfriends for most of that time .. (if you're refering to my last thread that's a different more recent guy). This guy did an easter egg hunt around frigging london for me. He baked a giant cake for me on my birthday, took me all over the country, introduced me to friends ect. It definitely wasn't a sex orientated relationship ... (although the sex was great).

 

He is a kind and decent guy, I can't say why he hasn't loved anyone but he sure as hell hasn't treated any of them poorly to my knowledge. I don't feel like you're bothering to read my post/situation but you're just reading off cliche lines.

[overthemoon86]

What is the reasoning for contacting him? What is your agenda?

[Taven]

Closure, or to trigger something. Heck I don't mind coming out of it feeling BAD. Actually feeling something. I just feel like I'm in limbo right now and that I've never really faced it or grieved.

 

I just want to move on.

[LovelyDani87]

Just do it and get it over with, if it's on your mind to contact him then do so and be prepared to pick up the pieces if you have to. Life is too short and love is so rare. At least you can say you were able to reach out one last time if things don't go as expected.

[ThatwasThen]

Closure, or to trigger something. Heck I don't mind coming out of it feeling BAD. Actually feeling something. I just feel like I'm in limbo right now and that I've never really faced it or grieved.

 

I just want to move on.

If you just want to move on then why are you clinging to your memories and your need to somehow be in his life when he's never reached out to you?

 

However: You can lead a horse to water (with all the advice in the world) but you can't make him drink (take the advice). Do what you will and let us know how that works out for you. What else is there to say about what you want to do, really?

[ThatwasThen]

What are you talking about?

 

We were boyfriends for most of that time ..

Well, perhaps I was mixing up the two however: he (the subject of this thread) never loved you (or anyone else for that matter so even if you consider yourself as having been his boyfriend, I don't think he considered you for more then Just someone he was in transition with before he bailed on yet another young man. He'd still be with you if he was the type that wanted to settle down. Even if he was, it's over now so it's time to accept that. Whether or not it was or wasn't a sexual only relationship is neither here nor there. It was a 7 month courtship that has now ended.

 

 

He is a kind and decent guy, I can't say why he hasn't loved anyone but he sure as hell hasn't treated any of them poorly to my knowledge. I don't feel like you're bothering to read my post/situation but you're just reading off cliche lines.

And I feel you're not actually listening to anything that is actually being said about why contacting him again would be detrimental to your healing and it would only exacerbate your OCD thinking on him so I'll bow out now and let you do whatever it is your compelled to do.

 

Good luck.

[Taven]

If you just want to move on then why are you clinging to your memories and your need to somehow be in his life when he's never reached out to you?

 

However: You can lead a horse to water (with all the advice in the world) but you can't make him drink (take the advice). Do what you will and let us know how that works out for you.

 

And I feel you're not actually listening to anything that is actually being said about why contacting him again would be detrimental to your healing and it would only exacerbate your OCD thinking on him so I'll bow out now and let you do whatever it is your compelled to do.

 

I'm not clinging to them, I literally can't help thinking about him. Everytime he does pop into my head I immediately stop thinking about him, I don't like remincising. I certainly don't feel like a need to have him in my life.

 

I don't exactly know what your advice is other to forget about him? Yeah I've been trying that for 15 months with no luck. I don't facebook stalk him, I don't have the same friends, he's 60 miles away, it's not like it's difficult to get away from him. I just miss him.

 

I'm listening, it just doesn't resonate with my situation. I haven't done any healing, don't understand what people are confused over. There is no "oh no you'll undo all your hard work". I think people portray their own situations on others without reaising every situation is different and sometimes more complex than others.

 

I can't apologise for not having an awful ex.

[saluk]

The ex who is almost perfect is way harder to get over than the ex who was a nightmare. I sympathize.

 

Do understand that there ARE rose colored glasses going on. Because of the space you had in your relationship and it's short time frame, you likely never had a chance for the honeymoon to break. You never noticed those little quirks about his behavior or his character that would eventually weary you. And the relationship ended before you could realize how painful his lack of true love for you may have become once the fun was over.

 

Your rose colored glasses are because the playtime ended too soon, before the real relationship could begin. The "missing" you have of him is in large part based on the potential for that fantasy to either start up again or to have continued indefinitely, which is not realistic. Oh, I'm sure that after this much time, it may be possible to start something up again. I think it's also likely to end the same way, with him realizing he still isn't, and will never be, in love with you.

 

If you haven't done any work to get over him, and have masked the pain by filling up your life with other distractions, that could be part of why 15 months later you feel the same. It took me a lot longer to get over a 5-month fling, despite pretty considerate effort on my part. But I would say the daily thinking about her that I did was gone in about 15 months, maybe less. I think that I was indeed actually aided in this respect by our light contact, as it gave me a chance to see a side of her that I didn't like. I could imagine what our relationship would have been like had we continued, and see where it may have run into serious problems.

 

In that regard if reaching out is what you have to do to kind of resurface some of those feelings so that you can deal with them, maybe that's what you have to do. It's up to you.

 

Good luck.

[Taven]

The ex who is almost perfect is way harder to get over than the ex who was a nightmare. I sympathize.

 

Do understand that there ARE rose colored glasses going on. Because of the space you had in your relationship and it's short time frame, you likely never had a chance for the honeymoon to break. You never noticed those little quirks about his behavior or his character that would eventually weary you. And the relationship ended before you could realize how painful his lack of true love for you may have become once the fun was over.

 

Your rose colored glasses are because the playtime ended too soon, before the real relationship could begin. The "missing" you have of him is in large part based on the potential for that fantasy to either start up again or to have continued indefinitely, which is not realistic. Oh, I'm sure that after this much time, it may be possible to start something up again. I think it's also likely to end the same way, with him realizing he still isn't, and will never be, in love with you.

 

If you haven't done any work to get over him, and have masked the pain by filling up your life with other distractions, that could be part of why 15 months later you feel the same. It took me a lot longer to get over a 5-month fling, despite pretty considerate effort on my part. But I would say the daily thinking about her that I did was gone in about 15 months, maybe less. I think that I was indeed actually aided in this respect by our light contact, as it gave me a chance to see a side of her that I didn't like. I could imagine what our relationship would have been like had we continued, and see where it may have run into serious problems.

 

In that regard if reaching out is what you have to do to kind of resurface some of those feelings so that you can deal with them, maybe that's what you have to do. It's up to you.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you for this post, truly. I've never really thought of it that way and you're definitely right in that it never got into the nitty gritty or the day to day life of a relationship, I mean we never had an argument! I still maintain he's a wonderful man, and I don't have any ill thoughts or annoyances to sort of "hang on to" unlike all my previous ex's, I guess this is why I've thought of him as my soul mate.

 

I don't know then if I should make contact to initiate some sort of friendship? I guess I won't know if I can handle that till I try.

 

Otherwise I'm at a loose end as to what to do. Maybe I should start telling myself when I do think of him, that it's been over for a long time and it's pointless. Just try and truly convince myself there is no going back.

[Quidam]

Some people need to feel rock bottom in order to heal back up.

 

Its masochism at its best but if you feel you need to get destroyed one more time... Go for it

[ThatwasThen]

I think people portray their own situations on others without realising

Sorry, but I've never had a situation like you describe. Most of the advice has been for you to do the mental work you need to do to get past your pain.

 

Anyway: I've said what I've said simply because I just know human nature and I now that the way you get over someone is to grieve, accept, consciously remove any intrusive thoughts (whether the loss is due to a breakup or a death) and by being cognizant of good reasons why the ex is better off gone... In your case, because he didn't love you ... and he's more likely then not, ever going to be with anyone for any real length of time ... and then having the good personal boundaries in place to do the mental work one needs to do to be glad that they are gone and having the self-esteem boosting strength to keep them gone so that a reciprocal relationship can be formed with someone new once you get your joy back.

 

Be well, I hope you feel your joy back soon.

 

P.S. Maybe the book "The Five Stages of Grief" will help you through what you're currently going through????

[saluk]

I think you will find once you stop looking at it as some ideal that you need to get back to, and more as a nice time in your life that was never meant to continue, you will start to drift away from feeling so attached to it. You have to start actively trying to let go - not just force yourself not to think about it.

 

Glad I could help even if just a little bit.

[Sarah691607309662]

I think you are very unsure and you are not clear on what do you want. I also think that the reason you came to this forum is your hope that people will clarify to you why you miss this man so much though you did not have very close r/s and dated each other casually.

 

My wild guess would be that what you miss is not him, but everything else that came with him - cheerful irresponsible fairy tale with you as a main character. It is atmosphere that is hard to get over. Like a nostalgia. I get it because I am immigrant. I also miss one boy from my childhood. I miss him all my life. I met him at some point and we had a good talk. But we did not become inseparable as before. When life separates people, it is almost impossible to pull back together. But I still miss that boy. I miss all our childhood together. Our games, our make belief plays. I still remember what we talked about. What we laughed about. We both loved each other and life separated us when we were too young to do something about it.

 

I had never missed anyone really so much as him. And it is okay. I will live my whole life with this slight pain for interrupted childhood love.

 

It is like a hole in the heart. Maybe you have a hole too. It does not mean that you have to do something about it. You can accept that it is now a part of who you are. And if you reach out... I would recommend to be light and honest. Just one text, email, phone call with simple "had been missing you lately, how are things?" If he is in the spot where he wants to see you, he would respond accordingly.

[Realitynut]

I remember a number of years ago, I was grieving a breakup with my fiancé. I was planning our wedding...and he was going out and meeting a new woman. I grieved. I pined. I went into a deep depression. ThatWasThen gave me the same, hard, cold advic to 'get over it'...move on. I didn't like her much. lol

 

5 years later...My HEAD knows what she is saying, but at the time, my heart was yelling NOOOOOO.

 

The thing is, a lot of times, people HAVEN'T gone thru what we have. Not everyone feels as deeply. Or as connected...or....we're just not all the same.

 

I too think, the reason it hurt so bad, is the fact it ended in the honeymoon stage. I've tried to tell my most recent ex bf this...about how it hurts that he's dumping me, etc. He's been married 3 times, so he thinks he knows how it feels. But he doesn't. His first marriage, she was an alcoholic and a heroin addict. His second wife he was only married to a couple of years, and never loved her. His 3rd wife he married her for her kid. By the time they divorced, she was laying in bed in a deep depression, having seizures, etc. At times, she'd leave for months at a time, to visit her sister. He thought...eh...if it makes her happy.

 

The reason I'm telling you all this? By the time those relationships ended...their love was gone. Hell...I was married for 20 years. I could have cared less by the time I was divorced. But him finding another woman, while I was making out the guest list....was a REAL KILLER! Took me years to get over. I hadn't seen him in over a year, fortunately he lived 4 hours away. And I went to pick up all my stuff. Moving van...the whole bit. He was still with this 'new' woman, and I thought I would see him....and hatred would over-come me. Did it? Nope. We fell into eachother's arms sobbing and kissing. Well...at least I did.

 

It wasn't til 3 years later, and I started seeing the guy that's dumping me now....that I told my mom I was finally happy.

 

ok...i'm stealing your thread. There is a point to this. Ok...so while he was out romping with this other woman, we would talk. May be text. At one point he told me that he thought he loved this new woman. Did it hurt? Hell yes. But it was something I needed to hear! When he'd come back to my home town (for a couple of funerals) we'd see each other. I was still in love....and loved our time together, even tho I knew he was 'going back'. I finally, just gradually didn't care anymore. But I'd never give up those tidbits of convo with him for the world.

 

It's now 5 years later...and we still keep in touch. I don't have feelings for him anymore. In fact we traveled to Florida to go to a wedding, and I wanted to KILL him so many times. I saw how cheap and shallow he was. He always was...but guess what...my rose colored glasses finally came off.

 

My advice? What would it hurt. Do you think that it would make you feel any worse? Would you feel like you just want to catch up...say how ya been and move on? Just make sure it doesn't get to physical...and if it does...keep your heart out of the game.

 

But it's always nice to know that they have moved on. Nice to know they've found someone else. Nice to see and hear reality slap you in the face. NC ...you have absolutely no clue what 's going on. And sometimes that builds up a fantasy that really isn't there. I, myself, would rather KNOW....than to wonder.

[Realitynut]

this is why I've thought of him as my soul mate.

.

 

That just reminded me of something I read. People who think that 'fate' brought them together, or that the person they met was their 'soul mate'...is much harder to get over. It feels like their whole future that was planned out...or laid out ahead of you, has instantly evaporated.

 

And that is how it was with the ex fiance'. I truly thought GOD had put him behind me. I was just beginning the first stages of my divorce. And here he was....standing behind me at a concert. Little did I know that he was a player...and that is how he met his next woman....at a big concert....lol

 

But anyway, when you're with someone, and you think it's a 'GOD thing'....fate, soul mate, etc. it's very, very hard to let go of the fact, that the other person never felt the same way about you! :sorrow: