Realisation

[boltnrun]

You're like that Gotye song..."you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness..."

 

You might actually enjoy your feelings of heartbreak and pain. It's a great way to avoid doing anything productive. You can't get up and go out when you're just so sad, right?

 

Time to decide how much more time you want to waste mooning over the past.

[Butterflyxx]

And this is a falsehood that I believe is somewhat a relic of an age when people had to marry young and hurry up to have babies, because people tended to not live beyond their '40s what with things like no antibiotics, heating, the comforts we all take for granted these days, ready made food, etc.

 

The true reality if you look around you is that most relationships that start out very young and are young marriages do not last. This is one of the reasons our divorce rate is so high. And I say that from some experience. I married at the age of 19 simply because he and I had both been told we should. We didn't really "want" to get married, neither of us actually even knew what the heck we wanted. And honestly you don't either. There is also the fact that you will continue to grow and change and what you need or want today will not necessarily be what you want in 2,3, or yes even 10 years down the road.

 

I would urge you to find out about the larger world and your place in it first and then do marriage when you have some maturity and understand your place in life. And don't beat yourself up about feeling sad, that's totally normal. But it will get better. And you will move on and find someone who continues to put in the effort, which is what you want. But please take time for yourself and don't let other people's ideas rush you into something just for the sake of saying, "I married young." I did that and it ended in divorce ten years late when we both finally admitted we'd made a huge mistake in rushing into marriage when we barely knew each other. We both did try, sort of, but we were hugely incompatible and miserable through a whole lot of our marriage. If I had it to do all over again I'd have held out and gotten through college first and traveled before I said yes to anyone's marriage proposal.

 

P.S. I am happily married now, but that's because I took the time out to work out what I wanted in life and to get it AND to find the right guy to have that with. I'd urge you to do the same. You'll be far better off for it.

 

 

I completely agree with what you're saying. I think I just got so wrapped up into thinking that there was a possibility of mine and my ex's relationship being like my parents. I did know deep down that our relationship wasn't right from the start, but I stupidly held onto that hope, and I ignored all the red flags.

 

Starting from 2016, I don't want to date anyone for a while. I feel as if I owe it to myself to focus on myself, to get through my A Levels and in a year or so go to university.

I want to use the next few years productively to start to learn about myself, and make myself happy.

I do think that I'm just being a typical, naïve 17 year old girl, and I took my first relationship a little too seriously, and now as a result I'm hurting from it.

Thank you so much for the advice ParisPaulette, and I'm happy to hear that you're in a happy marriage now!

[Butterflyxx]

You're like that Gotye song..."you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness..."

 

You might actually enjoy your feelings of heartbreak and pain. It's a great way to avoid doing anything productive. You can't get up and go out when you're just so sad, right?

 

Time to decide how much more time you want to waste mooning over the past.

 

I don't necessarily enjoy it, no, I wish I could fast forward this and move on, but I do see where you're coming from.

I'm going to try a technique where when I think of my ex, I'm going to say in my head 'STOP!' and then think of a bad characteristic about him. I think this will help me stop wallowing in the past, and the good memories we shared (although these were limited).

[youareworthy]

Dear Butterflyxx

 

Great strategy! It's called "opposite action." When you do a certain thing over and over (like thinking about all the good memories) and that thing is keeping you stuck or unhappy, then you can choose to do the opposite action (like stopping all thoughts of him instead of freely allowing thoughts of him, or like dwelling on a negative memory, rather than only the good ones).

 

When you begin to practice "opposite action," sometimes you experience a huge healing in a short period of time. This principle works for me! This may help you "fastforward" through some of this terrible pain!

 

Youareworthy

[saluk]

"I feel comforted and safe when I think of my past relationship with my ex.

A few years ago I had a breakup and the only was I was able to get over it was to think about him and what we didn't have until after a year, I got tired of thinking about it and I moved on.

Both times, I feel comforted by thinking about it, I don't feel ready to let go. "

 

The pain that you have been feeling now? It is not only the pain of this current ex. It is pain from your rejection long past that you never actually worked through. Rather than working threw it, you replaced it with this new guy. You made him out to be your "savior" because you thought that's what you needed and that it would help. It's actually made it harder to get over the new guy.

 

When people do this, they build up a giant ball of baggage. Each guy/girl they chase adds more baggage to their pack, and they never take the time to figure out how to dump that negative stuff and feel positive in and of themselves. You can't seek validation from others, because people can reject you through no fault whatsoever of your own.

 

It's a good idea to stay single for some time to see if you can unpack that. You will be much better off if you walk through the pain. It hurts - but then it's gone and you don't have to worry about it coming back.