Dating someone with children

[Nervousone]

After my relationship ended I am in no way ready to begin dating. For some reason I just have a difficult idea of being close to another person in the way I was with my ex..we were together for 7 years. Long story short I am a woman that is 33 years old and do not have any children. The opportunity to have kids never happened. Not because I am selfish. My ex didnt have kids either. While definitely put the breaks on dating for now i know evetually i will be ready to start dating but i am sure the majority of people my age have kids.

 

For those that do not have children how do you feel about dating someone that has kids. I want kids myself someday soon. I would think someone with kids would oppose to wanting more children or even has taken the steps to prevent them from physically having more children. Younger guys with no children are attracted to me but I wonder how long that will last.

[Batya33]

When I was single I strongly preferred not to date someone who had a child - too many issue/potential issues including around my desire to have a child. I was your age when I was in that situation and I did not have a problem meeting men in my age range who did not have children. I lived in a large city -on purpose so I could be around lots of single men. My husband and I married and became first time parents in our early 40s - first marriage for both, too.

[Fudgie]

There are lots of folks your age out there who do not have children. Perhaps they were working on their careers/traveling and it wasn't the right thing to do at the time. If you don't want to date someone who has children already, that is perfectly fine.

[Nervousone]

Batya33 that gives me some hope. While I am not ready to date and honestly do not know when I will be ready I have looked up some profiles of singles in my age range some younger and some older and it seems everyone has kids.

[Sportster2005]

Just a practical note. The more criteria you have the smaller your dating pool. If you make it a deal breaker you are now down to single men in your age group without kids. I don't have a horse in this race, but it would seem to me the situations are going to vary. How old are the kids? How many? Who is the primary caregiver? Is marriage your long term goal? Is the man looking for a mother? The man may not want to involve the kid(s) until you've been dating for a year. A black and white approach to this issue may be against your best interest.

[Batya33]

I think it's fine to be black/white with certain issues (i.e. like I would not date someone who was separated, no exceptions)

[Nervousone]

For me, for some reason someone with kids is a turn off as far as a relationship and some instances friendship is concerned. I noticed that the friends that did have that had kids completely changed when they had them. I guess with relationships both parties have to change and make adjustments for the relationship to last. Parents have other priorities that people that do not have children have and I respect that thats why sometimes I have to remove myself from situations because I honestly have no idea the struggles and selflessness that being a parent has. I would one day like to have children but would like to share the experience of being a first time parent with someone.

 

I do not want to limit my pool of potential partners. My ex and I didnt have kids but he would always talk and flirt with his exs behind my back. I know with children they have to have an ongoing parental relationship with their ex. I know for fact I am not ready to date because I miss my ex like crazy. I could only wonder how complicated it would be if we had kids. I know it happens, I have a hard time understanding how someone can not have some sort of emotion with someone they had kids with.

 

My dad had a child when he was a teenager and him and his childs mother broke up. Years later he met my mom and were married for 29 years and my mother died. Now his first childs mother and my dad have said that they never got over each other. I guess what I am saying is that I do not believe I would have the full attention I feel I would deserve with someone who has kids. I feel like I would not be treated on the same level than someone who bore this mans children. I guess I am a little selfish but I want to have importance someone and not come last on the list.

[Dubb]

I don't want to date anyone with kids. You'd actually be an appealing option for me. 33, no kids and wants to start a family.

[metrogirl]

I knew someone like you, single with no kids and didn't want to date anyone with kids. She eventually found someone, got married and had a couple of kids. A few years later, he didn't want her anymore and she was back to being single and guess what???? She found herself in the same boat she lumped all those other guys in.

[Dubb]

haha so what, then it's ok to date people with kids.

 

I can understand her. Dating someone with kids can get frustrating. There are so many factors you need to consider that wouldn't exist if they didn't have kids.

[Nervousone]

Thanks Dubb! I agree. When the ex and I got together everything was spontaneous and that spontanuity kept the attraction going. I would think having kids would throw spontanuity out the door. I bet everything has to involve the kids in some way. I feel like I would have to give up a whole lot more than what I am getting in return.

 

 

I dont have kids but if I were single with kids I would look for someone that also has kids. Probably because they would understand more what it is like to have kids. I was not a priority to my ex I was always put last on his list and he didnt have kids. I just think dating someone with kids would put me in the same situation.

[Batya33]

I knew someone like you, single with no kids and didn't want to date anyone with kids. She eventually found someone, got married and had a couple of kids. A few years later, he didn't want her anymore and she was back to being single and guess what???? She found herself in the same boat she lumped all those other guys in.

 

I don't see the point of "karma" there - when she was single it wasn't right for her and good for her for not getting herself into a situation where she couldn't be a good partner to someone with kids. There's no "lumping" -there are certain facts that are true of all parents of minor children -they all have to arrange for child care to be able to date or travel alone with a partner -and if they have given up custody then the person they meet has to feel ok with that decision and comfortable with how that might affect her desire for kids.

 

The same can be true about not wanting to date a medical resident or someone who travels a lot for his job - we all do some "lumping" because we all have limited time to find a partner especially if it's a woman who wants kids.

 

I remember going on a date with a guy who had joint custody and he told me that he would want a girlfriend to sleep over when he had the kids. I would not have been comfortable with that so that was our last date. Another guy had an ex girlfriend who had their child while we were dating -once the child was born I realized it was too much for me to handle. I had to put some guesswork/speculation into that of course but I also didn't want to invest more time to both our detriments.

 

So, no, I don't think that woman in your example "deserved" to see what it was like for others to decline to date her because she had kids - I think that's fine and she should be fine with it too -not a punishment or karma at all.

[Nervousone]

I remember going on a date with a guy who had joint custody and he told me that he would want a girlfriend to sleep over when he had the kids. I would not have been comfortable with that so that was our last date. Another guy had an ex girlfriend who had their child while we were dating -once the child was born I realized it was too much for me to handle. I had to put some guesswork/speculation into that of course but I also didn't want to invest more time to both our detriments.

 

So, no, I don't think that woman in your example "deserved" to see what it was like for others to decline to date her because she had kids - I think that's fine and she should be fine with it too -not a punishment or karma at all.

 

 

Batya33 I wouldn't spend the night either when there are kids either. I dated a lot of people before my ex and my ex has been my only relationship so I refer to that a lot. I remember the spontaneous fun of spending the night at his place when we were dating and the fun that entailed when we got our first place together. When new couples move into together for the first time there is nothing like having your privacy as a new couple in my mind it is a little weird with a ready made family. I guess i feel like its skipping a step somehow.

 

Because of the length of my relationship with my ex. I started dating him in my mid twenties I have never dated anyone with children.

[Seymore]

Dated someone with 3 grown kids who had a lousy father. It was so rewarding being a mentor to them. Unfortunately, my relationship with their mother went south so I left and as a result had to leave them too. I doubt I'll ever date another woman with kids now. The heartbreak is more than I can handle.