Ex trying to bring the guy that caused our break up around into our friend group

[cmpatable]

Long but to the point!

 

I'm about 6 months into my breakup, and I have been doing pretty well overall. My ex dumped me over the summer for continually getting upset about her texting a coworker who previously made advances on her. We dated for 2.5 years and had an absolutely beautiful relationship up until the final 3 months. The break was a little messy. Long story short she ended up sleeping with/dating her coworker 1 month after our break. The whole first month of the break I was trying everything I could to fix things with her but once the news got back to me I went complete no contact. She left me with the blame, and I left her with her coworker.

 

I was so upset after hearing the news but I did everything in my power to not acknowledge the fact she betrayed me directly to her. I knew deep down I wasn't to blame for our downfall and know she handled our final months poorly but I also knew letting her know wouldn't get me anywhere and she'd just defend herself... We share a very close group of friends, and as time went on she started PA school and disconnected from our whole group spending most of her time with this new guy and focussing on school which made things easier on me. I've had a couple run ins with her over the past 5-6 months, and every time I have seen her I've been civil, said hello and that I hope things are well for her, holding back mentioning anything of him or the break. Our conversations are short as we both feel the tension of having to keep our distance and the awkwardness with how it was all left.

 

Although I've been doing so much better, I still suppress a lot of feeling about the betrayal and wish I could have confronted her on it because I still have a love for her and being the bigger person is always tough. Never being able to express to her what that betrayal did to me is extremely hard, putting on a happy charade and letting her feel we fell apart for different reasons. She knows deep down I know what happened but will do anything to stay away from confrontation and avoid guilt. It has only made their relationship stronger I feel.

 

Now that we are six months past the break up and school is easing up on her a bit she is beginning to show her face more frequently in our group. We went out for a birthday dinner the other week and I heard she was originally planning on bringing her new guy (the coworker) with her to meet some of the friends, although he luckily never ended up coming. Now this weekend we have a late friendsgiving that I know she will be at and have a feeling she is going to make another attempt to bring this guy along because they have been dating for about 5 months and the step needs to be taken at some point if they are ever to take things to the next level.

 

In all honesty I feel very comfortable seeing my ex and would be happy for her dating anyone, but the idea of her bringing the guy she left me for/emotionally cheated with is really a shot to the heart. It re surfaces so many feelings and I really have no idea how to handle it if he is going to be there or at future events. Because I never confronted her early on and hoped the best for her she chooses to remain ignorant of how the situation may effect me and feels justified on bringing him around... it really feels like an offensive push more than anything but she lives in her own little world of innocence and clearly does not care much of my feelings... only her own. I know if I go and he is there I will put on my happy act and say hey to the both of them but I will be left with a terrible feeling. I am going to feel compelled to confront her afterwords, even knowing it would be a really bad idea since I've been doing so well with moving in my own direction.

 

This is a huge obstacle I need to overcome and any advice would be really appreciated. I have a feeling most will say just continue moving forward and be respectful... but I can't get past the feeling of it being an offensive move on her end and want to know if I'd be justified in bringing it up to her or standing up for myself. It makes it easier knowing how much closer I've become with all my friends and how awkward it could potentially be for this new guy. Also knowing how much she has disconnected herself with "good friends" for this guy and school.. In the end our friends don't really care what happens either way. They will always accept her and whoever she brings around, even though the situation is forced and strange..

[mhowe]

It isn't an offensive move on her part. It is simply continuation of the relationship she got into before/after the break up.

 

There really isn't anything to say. Would it really matter if THAT relationship had fizzled and she brought a new guy to the party? No.

There isn't "standing up for yourself" either. She behaved badly. You tried to fix things --- and she moved on.

Talking about it now simply signals --- you haven't moved on, and I don't think that is what you want to convey.

[cmpatable]

I take back calling it offensive, and agree with this. I guess it just leaves me confused on how to act in the situation. It will be uncomfortable and I don't want her to be able to come in between me and our close friends... She is well aware what she did and is continuing to do by bringing him around.

[mhowe]

You cannot be her conscience.

 

So, don't allow her to come between you. Go and simply focus your attention on others. I was at a houseparty for Thanksgiving. There were 25 people there --- and I managed not to speak at all to one of them besides "hello".

[DoF]

There is nothing to talk to her about. She doesn't give a crap how you feel or about you (based on her action). What do you think spilling out your feelings to her will accomplish?

 

You would be wasting your time. Come on now. Don't even bother. She is NOT on your side, actually she is your ENEMY if anything. She lacks complete respect for you. DO NOT ENGAGE.

 

Now onto the important things. YOU

 

It's been 5 months and clearly you haven't started the healing process yet. Or if you have, you sabotaged yourself with your thoughts and the fact that you engage with "friends" that are in her circle group. That's not going to work. You will never heal/recover if you continue this.

 

Also, would you take her back if she came running back to you? I have a feeling you might........and that would be worst thing you can possibly do. First, she is a cheater so she WILL do it going forward. Second, she didn't even have enough respect for HERSELF or your relationship to take time to heal/recover and jumped right into rebound type of relationship. I doubt it will last or be healthy long term. She WILL come crawling back....DO NOT be the "fall guy" on stand by waiting for this FILTHY creature to come back to you. Ohh hell no.

 

 

What I would recommend is FIRST, accept that she screwed you/cheated on you and there will never EVER be ANYTHING between you to EVER again. As in "let go". It's OVER.

 

Second, block/ignore her social media/email/phone.....EVERYTHING.

 

Third, stay away from "group of friends" you 2 USED TO share. Remember, anything that reminds you of her (including people) will prevent you from healing. Stay away from places where you see her. DO NOT say hi or anything. Like she doesn't even exist. FRIENDS COME AND GO. You will find new ones.

 

Forth, TIME. You will need good 3-6 months (if not longer) to completely get over her. During this time it will be important for you to do # of things. #1 - healthy diet, #2 - physical acvity on daily basis and #3 - Mind diversion. When thoughts of her come into your brain.....you will need to deflect them and think of something else. You have been doing the opposite of that and allowing these things to flourish, remain and in the end SABOTAGED yourself from ever healing. We can't control the thoughts that come to us, but we CAN control what we do with them.

 

Good luck

[WithLove]

The best thing you can do is to just go, say hello, and then leave them alone. Don't actively avoid them, but certainly don't actively engage then, either. Just fill your time with other people. You're not over her, or the relationship, yet; and that's perfectly okay. But you and her are part of the same circle of friends, and the guy seems to be sticking, so it's going to happen eventually. You can do this. Just think of how one day, you'll be introducing your girl to your friends and your ex is going to be asking herself the same questions you're asking us now.

[Seymore]

Can you not attend, but host a separate function with this circle of friends and not include her?

 

My ex and I had a group of maybe 12 or so mutual friends. After we split I stopped talking to all but one of them, and that one I barely even talk to anyway. None of them bothered to reach out to me either and I know they still talk to her, so who's in the wrong? I still have MY friends that I see.

[kbbcoop77]

Sounds like she's still taking up a lot of real estate in your head. Your still young, can't you bring a date? If you had your own gal you wouldn't be obsessing on her and her date, you wouldn't care. It helps, especially when your still young. When I was 22 and my girlfriend dumped me it felt like the end of the world but I went on a dating tear and it really helped.