Well, I guess I'm still not completely over it, 8 months on....

[rich46]

Hi all,

 

I've not been around for a few months as I've felt great, but had a setback at the weekend so would like to get my feelings out. As always, any feedback, comments or reassurances would be most welcome

 

It has been almost eight months since my 3 year, semi-LDR break up. I live in Japan and my ex is Japanese. I live a couple of hours away from Tokyo, but used to visit there a few weekends a month as that is where my ex lived. We never argued, got on great, right to the end, which has made it more difficult to accept. We had talked in the latter months about the future, and differences emerged e.g. I was more keen to stay in Japan, she was very eager for marriage, I wanted to wait until I moved closer first, kids, etc. Still, I perhaps underestimated all this and one day at the end of March, she pulled away very quickly and cut me out completely. Contrary to what I may have done in the past, I didn't beg/plead/chase at all, and instead deleted facebook and went with what she clearly wanted...NC. I really wish I had sent a final message, but it is too late now, and has been 8 months of total 100% NC.

 

The firsts stage of my 'recovery' was between that point at the end of March, and the 1st September. As well as working as a teacher here in Japan, I have been studying for my Masters part-time over the last 3 years, and wouldn't you know it, the break up occurred as I was doing my 14,000 word thesis. It was a tortuous time trying to get over the break up, searching for answers within my own mind, in a place so vastly different to my own culture, with no support network at all, whilst staring up at a huge project such as a Masters thesis. I got through thanks to this website, my family (via phone/internet), and a trip to Korea in May to see old friends, and one to the UK in August. I literally broke down in tears when I submitted my thesis on 1st September (and have since graduated successfully), and my 'true' recovery could start then...

 

Since graduating, I have had an amazing autumn. I've been visiting another big city, joining meet up events, exploring the gorgeous autumn colours here, been to Mount Fuji, went to Taiwan in September to see old friends, flirted with girls at these meet up events, joined a couple of dating sites, got a trip to New Zealand after Christmas to look forward to, and been away most weekends. I've kind of exploded after all the tension that existed from March - August. I know I am recovering pretty well, and I had a couple of counselling sessions in early September which also helped, as it made me feel less alone and I could get stuff off my chest. Made new friends, and had one of my best weekends ever last week as I went away as a group to explore a traditional town/hiking.

 

As mentioned, as well as the meet up events, I have joined a couple of dating sites. I have been emailing one girl from Osaka (second biggest city in Japan) for maybe 6 weeks or so, and she seemed really nice, so we planned to meet in Kyoto (traditional city) as that is closeby for her, and really gorgeous at this time of year. I usually visit in spring for the cherry blossom season, and again in autumn for the wonderful autumn colours. I had booked a twin room simply because that was all that was available...hotels in Kyoto book out months in advance during peak times. So I suggested that this girl could stay if she desired, rather than travel back to Osaka on Saturday night, and she was totally fine with it.

 

Anyway, the weekend turned out pretty terrible (for me at least). The girl turned out to be just as I'd imagined, so kind and friendly and good-natured and nice and everything. But no spark or potential for a relationship from my point of view, which is why I didn't initiate anything even when we were in the same hotel room, and I know she would have been fine for me to do so. Some guys would have, even though there wasn't a spark, but I am not like that and would not have messed such a kind-natured girl around like that. But anyway, my ex was on my mind most of the weekend because during this same 3-day weekend last year, we visited Kyoto together! Writing that down makes me realise that it was a ridiculous decision to revisit that place, but I thought I was over it to the point where it wouldn't bother me. In addition, my ex's birthday is tomorrow and we were in Kyoto for that during our trip last year.

 

So basically, I feel like I made a ridiculous decision to go to Kyoto at the worst possible time, and when there was no spark with the internet girl, it made me remember the familiarity of being in a relationship with my ex this time last year. That has really made me feel bad for this sweet girl as she never had a chance with me as my mind is not totally over my last relationship, after all. I got moody and quiet yesterday evening as I missed the last train back to my hometown, and ended up having to stay an extra night (alone) in Kyoto, and actually felt close to tears that this girl insisted on hanging around with me until late in the evening while all I was thinking about was last year/ex. terrible to say, but I was so desperate for her to leave me alone and travel back to Osaka. What a mess.

 

I am back home now, far away from Kyoto, so I feel better now, especially after just crying for the first time since 1st September. I know I just need more time to heal, and have further meet up events the next couple of weekends which will involve socialising, drinking, karaoke, having fun, and no pressure of a dating situation. That is what I should focus on. Put the desire to date on hold.

 

Thanks for reading, and I'm sure everyone can relate to the notion that I am currently feeling, about how.....

 

.....recoveries can be long and tough!!

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Rich

[Ms Darcy]

Sorry you are still hurting. One thing I know has been repeated in your threads, and is worth reiterating, is that you didn't have a perfect relationship. It's a red flag that you never fought - i.e. she just didn't say/swallowed her concerns. I hope that you can soon remove the relationship off the pedestal you have it on.

[kbbcoop77]

Ouch ..I've been there too, how the environment can trigger past emotions and seemingly drag you back to square one. You may want to ease up on dating still, you can see why others say don't date while hung up on an ex, it's so unfair to your innocent date. Dating a willing partner ready to explore a new relationship while you are only thinking of your ex is just so unfair to her. Got to think of others, even forcing yourself to date isn't good. Date when you are totally ready and don't even give your ex a second thought.

[rich46]

Sorry you are still hurting. One thing I know has been repeated in your threads, and is worth reiterating, is that you didn't have a perfect relationship. It's a red flag that you never fought - i.e. she just didn't say/swallowed her concerns. I hope that you can soon remove the relationship off the pedestal you have it on.

Yeah you are right. Also, I only used to see my ex for relatively short periods of time (weekends) which is much different to when living together or something. That was one of the reasons I was hesitant to propose. I would prefer to live with someone first before marriage, but that is a big no-no here in Japan, especially in my ex's case with conservative parents.

[rich46]

Ouch ..I've been there too, how the environment can trigger past emotions and seemingly drag you back to square one. You may want to ease up on dating still, you can see why others say don't date while hung up on an ex, it's so unfair to your innocent date. Dating a willing partner ready to explore a new relationship while you are only thinking of your ex is just so unfair to her. Got to think of others, even forcing yourself to date isn't good. Date when you are totally ready and don't even give your ex a second thought.

Thanks for your reply. I have been great the last few months though so this weekend has come out of the blue. Indeed, I have been on other 'meetings' with a couple of girls in different cities recently and I was totally fine, didn't give my ex a second thought. I just think the timing/location/failure to hit it off with this girl triggered a flashback to the past.

 

Feeling much better now I am back in familiar surroundings. Just another step in the healing process

[kbbcoop77]

Good! Yeah maybe the place was just too much of a trigger. For the first year after my wife left I couldn't go to the beach without an almost panic attack. Seeing all the couples out and about...I wanted to go home and crawl under the covers. Definitely takes time ..good luck!