My sister was sexually assaulted and I don't know how to help her...

[Zanetka]

My younger sister is 21 years old. Over the summer she went on an university exchange to the other side of the country (6 hr plane ride). She had an amazing time, travelled alot, went to class and met alot of friends. I even went to visit her for 4 days and I loved the campus and the city. But there was something wrong. She was having mood swings and would cry easily. I thought it was homesickness or that she was sad that she would have to leave that part of the country soon.

 

When she got back home, her and her boyfriend broke up and they were constantly fighting. He was very mean to her, which was totally out of character. He had always been very nice and quiet and timid. He's 25 but she was his first real girlfriend. They had been together 7-8 months at this point and they loved eachother alot. She thought he would possibly be the one for her .

 

For a couple weeks she would call me crying asking me to pick her up from different places because he would yell at her or call her horrible names. Then one day on the phone when she called me crying she told me why he was being so horrible and why she had been having so many issues.... While she was on her exchange, her classmates all had a party on the weekend. They were all drinking. My sister was very drunk so her female friend and male friend took her back to her dorm room to sleep. The female friend left the room and then the male sexually assaulted my sister. She told him NO very sternly many times and even tried to push him off but he continued. She was so drunk and he overpowered her. I dont know the extent of what he did because she was crying so hard on the phone and I was crying and even 2 months later... she doesnt really want to talk about the détails and I dont want to force her.

 

I often think of this situation and I picture the scenario and I get so angry Inside. I wish I could take it back for her or prosecute this abuser. I feel so helpless because I cant fix this for her and its always been my role to protect her from everything. She refuses to tell my parents about the situation even though I know they would be very supportive and it would answer alot of their questions as to why shes been so depressed lately. But they are confused and I dont want to betray her wishes so I have not told anyone.

 

My problem is .... how do I help her? I remind her about maybe seeking help at our university consellor... I said we coulf even go together and ask what resources are available... she refuses. But she is having mental breakdowns weekly. She cries so much, she cannot focus on her university work. She's fine one day... but the next she cant function or will cry unexpectadly. I have told her many times Im available to talk. And sometimes we do talk about it but she's feeling betrayed by her ex boyfriend who called her a sl*t, and said she probably ''led'' this guy on... so he broke up with her despite this not being her fault AT ALL. And this abuser guy lives across the country and I have done alot of researching on the Internet and I found him on Facebook but I know she doesnt want me to contact the police or him.

 

What do I do... How do I help her???? Shes my little sister

[Seraphim]

I am sorry for you both. Basically all you can do is listen to her and be supportive . Everything else is up to her. Do not inform anyone else that is up to her. Her healing must come at her own time and pace and in her own way.

 

( I am a sexual assault survivor)

[superfan]

That is SO SO awful (especially awful to hear about how her boyfriend treated her afterwards).

 

I agree with Victoria that the only thing you can do at this point is be there for her when she needs you. You can't force her to talk to the authorities, your parents or anybody else until she feels ready. It's infuriating that this guy will get away with it, but it can sometimes be even more traumatizing to the victim to make the accusation because they are so frequently not believed in the courts and in society.

 

She knows she would have to re live the experience likely publicly for any kind of justice and that may be too much for her.

 

I am sorry this happened.

[tiredofvampires]

I'm so sorry you and she are dealing with this.

 

But why does she not want to go to the university counselor? She very badly needs to be persuaded to go, and you're willing to go with her. What are her objections?

[Zanetka]

She is very ashamed and thinks that if she goes to a counsellor her break downs may get worse because she will be talking about the situation. She also is worried the counsellor may judge her or may blame her because she was drunk (although ofcourse she was in NO possible state to consent).

 

She is a smart girl and everyone always goes to her to get help with their Relationship issues and she knows that if this wasnt her, she would be suggesting her friend go to a counsellor... but because it is her dealing with the abuse... she's scared.

 

I offer to go with her on a weekly basis, we even made plans a couple times, but she got scared the day of, and cancelled .

[Seraphim]

The counselor won't judge her or blame her. She will need counseling at some point though. It is much better if people get it early on rather than years later.

[schilller]

She also is worried the counsellor may judge her or may blame her because she was drunk

 

I was thinking this too. Not about the counselor but about her being so drunk she couldn't defend herself. It's not "her fault" she was assaulted but she put herself in a compromising position by being inebriated and using bad judgement to be alone with this guy.

 

Its like a guy who walks down a street in a bad neighborhood in the middle of the night and gets mugged. No it's not his "fault" persay but he put himself there due to bad choices.

[Seraphim]

Tell your sister that recovery from the shame is possible but counseling is going to be the way you get there. She is not at fault for this , AT ALL. The man who raped her is a criminal and he is at fault, and him only.

 

35 years later I now have no shame but that took quite a bit of therapy so tell her there is lots of hope. And there are lots of people to support her if she looks.

[tiredofvampires]

You need to explain to her that because she is very traumatized, she is not thinking rationally. Explain to her that her own evaluation of the situation and emotions are clouding her ability to make appropriate decisions to get the help she needs. Tell her that she's trying to protect herself, but the therapist is there to create a safe environment and that not talking to a trained professional who has seen a lot of this is like having an infection and not getting antibiotics.

 

Remind her that rapes on college campuses are a widespread occurrence, so this is something a college counselor will be very familiar with and competent to treat (and if it's not a good match, you two can always look for someone else.) If rape counseling involved further shaming and blaming, therapists would lose their licenses for malpractice.

 

So you need to talk sense into her. If you can't, ask her if she trusts you -- and to let you guide her. You can't do this alone, but it's great you're by her side as an advocate.

[Seraphim]

Ask her if she would go to the dr for a broken leg? The mind is no different. I understand her fears but stuffing it down won't make it go away. And treatment has much better chance of success early on.

[IAmFCA]

sexual assault is such a common occurrence that we have accepted the idea that we can't prevent it. This undermines the impact of the experience. There is no harm in talking to people about the experience. Be there, let her drive the way she chooses to recover.

 

I'd suggest that there is zero downside from talking with someone, and if there is upside, yay. I wonder if it would to say you'll go with her, or to trade something you've been putting off, like I'll go to the dentist or get a vag exam since I haven't since high school, etc, if you go talk to someone.

[Zanetka]

Thank you all so much for the replies. I really appreciate everything.

 

Would you suggest I wait til she's in the mood to talk about her feelings? Every week or so we talk about it... because she tells me she has breakdowns and I see it too sometimes.

 

Or should I just bring it up tonight or tomorrow and ask her again if she will go to the counsellor?

 

Im not sure if I should just bring it up out of the blue because I dont want to have to make her think about it if shes in a happy mood.

[Seraphim]

I would just give her the information that the counselor is there to provide her a safe environment to talk about her experience not to judge her or blame her. And that treatment is really successful when done early. She doesn't want to develop a more complex issue. Also tell her that the mind is just important to take care of as the body.