I'm best friends with my ex. Not much has changed between us other then intimacy

[poprostula]

Hello. I’m just writing here because I’m rather confused about my situation and I wanted to know what other people think about it. Me and my bf broke up 2 months ago.

He is like my best friend even though we have been together for roughly a year and knew each other for few months prior to the relationship. We started of by friends, then friends with benefits then we were in a relationship and we have moved in together to a single room. To be honest we had a great time together but he has some personal problems that he has to deal with and he has to be single for that. In addition both of us might be moving to other country and he likes to live easy (and I agree on focusing on yourself the most) so finally we broke up as it just wasn’t the same anymore and both of us decided that we need to be single, and focus on ourselves and future.

Since we broke up we went to a wedding together ( 2 days after) then holidays , which we previously bought the tickets for. I think the holidays helped to keep our friendship strong as we really enjoy the time we spend together. One night we did get super drunk and we did sleep together however then we spoke about it and decided that it was very stupid and that we will not do it again. That was over a month ago and I know him and I know myself and we will not sleep together again.

However my point is… I feel really good with him and we still see each other a few times a week. Before I moved out properly , I used to stay over and we had to share the bed, we didn’t cuddle anymore or anything. Actually I stayed over last night too, I’ve put myself in a stupid situation where staying at his place was my best choice and he agreed. We slept like kids though, with my feet where his head and his feet where my head. But then we spend almost all day together, cooked fantastic dinner with champagne etc.

We never kiss, never fool around, never sleep with each other anymore, we don’t flirt. But we do hug sometimes and I gave him a massage in the morning after I stayed over because he requested it in exchange for letting me stay. HEHE. It’s pretty normal though we used to give each other A LOT of massages. We have same circle of friends and sometimes we hang out together with them.

It’s really strange though. I admit I still love him and atm I’m not seeing anybody else but if I found somebody cool I wouldn’t mind (although I doubt it would be anything serious). I’m not in love though. I think that maybe one day we will end up together again although it’s hard to say what the future will bring.

Could you tell me what you think about my situation? As even though it seems like it’s all good, I know it’s not very normal and I’m a little confused so I’d like to see your points of view.

 

P.S. Before I moved out of his place I have found a cat in his area and we couldn't find his owner so we adopted it. We both love cats and this one is fantastic, it's kind of like 'our' baby...

Also I'm 24 and my ex is 31 but he wants to focus on his career for another, roughly, 5 years...

[Andrina]

I can see someone in their early twenties in a high stress, long hours career such as studying to be a doctor wanting to focus on their career versus a relationship, but from your description, this isn't the case. He has time to hang out with you and friends. His message to you is that you aren't important enough to be exclusive with and to build a beautiful life with. He's come up with an excuse that won't hurt your feelings. You risked your heart on him and it didn't pan out. Some people are meant to be in your life for a short time. Your future bf won't be comfortable with you keeping in contact with an ex, and once he gets a gf, you'll be put on the back burner.

 

Don't count on getting back together once his "career" is in place. If he ever settles down with someone, it won't be you. No man is worth waiting for. If a man is not ready in the present, it usually means he's just not that into you. Get your own place. Cut all contact so you can have closure. It's all about what's best for you. Don't let him try to stay in contact with you when you've cut him off. If he cares about your feelings, he'll let you go to move on for the life that's best for you. If he won't let you go, remind yourself it's because he's selfish and wants companionship and the possibility of no-ties sex without putting in the effort a mature, loving relationship. Good luck.

[dave_1966]

If you like being used as stopgap company until he meets a new woman, carry on as you are. Personally, If I were you, I'd go no contact and disappear off his radar.

[abitbroken]

I would stop seeing him like you do. A guy who wants to be in a relationship woman is in a relationship with a woman. He might say he is not comfortable with starting a family for five years, but he would not tell her he can't be in a relationship for five years so he can focus on his career. He would focus on his school/career and therefore not be seeing her, or would be in a relationship with her and focus on his career while she focuses on hers - but they would be together. I think this guy has broken up with you and given the 5 year line to keep his options open. I don't think he is serious about not dating for 5 years. For whatever reason - he either wants the perks but not the responsibilities of being in a relationship or just doesn't want them with you. I know that sounds harsh, but maybe he is just not feeling it.

 

I think adopting the cat "together" was your way of making the relationship more legit/more solid and committed in a way versus it being his cat or yours. Settle who the cat belongs to and who the cat is going to be owned by and then I think you should go your separate ways. You don't have to be enemies, or cross to the other side of the street when you see him. but seeing eachother three nights a week and sleeping over. You need to cut him off so you can really heal and see things clearly. Otherwise you are going to be in this state of "but I love him" then really be gutted when he starts to drop off because he's met someone.

[kbbcoop77]

How are u going to feel when he starts dating someone new? There's a reason why you shouldn't be friends with an ex.

It leaves you stuck. If you want to have a real relationship with someone you need to leave him in your rear view mirror. No new guy is going to accept this situation with him.