PC96 Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Hey guys. Just venting here. I could use some words of encouragement please. My ex and I broke up a little over a month and a half ago. The first week I messaged her like 4 times and freaked out emotionally, asking for her back. She told me that she didn't feel that way about me anymore and to move on. I went into NC(for myself) and after a week and a half I caved in and emailed her. She emailed me back a week and a half later and I proceeded to ask politely ask her not to contact me anymore. She said "okay, whatever you want" and I have been trying really hard ever since to stay in NC. I'm at the point where I fully realize that we are not compatible, I don't want to get together again. I have accepted that the relationship is over and realize that it is natural for me to miss her. I have been doing great lately, making a lot of friends, exercising and loving life again. Yesterday night I was feeling really guilty about some things I said to her during out breakup like "you don't deserve me" I sent a very very short email apologizing for a few things that I really shouldn't have said or done during our relationship. I know you guys will say that I don't need to apologize but I really wanted to get those things of my chest. She responded with "Stop emailing me, this is getting ridiculous. I honestly don't even care". I haven't responded and I don't plan on it. I have been trying really REALLY hard to move on and to not contact her. In a 2 month span of time I've contacted her 8 times, 4 of those were in the first week. I have moved on but I still care about her. I appreciate everything that we had and just want the best for her. I have not asked for her back since the first week, nor have I been sending mean or frequent messages. I just don't understand how someone who loved me so much less than 2 months ago can just not care? Why couldn't she just respond with "thank you for that. I appreciate what we had and I wish you the best"? She never has sent me anything "closure" related. I know it's obviously her choice and that she can do whatever she wants, but do you guys think she is being fair? Link to comment
sargon Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Is she being fair? Irrelevant. Life aint fair. She has moved on, she owes you nothing. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 You told her to stop contacting you....and then proceeded to contact her. It is very ridiculous. Link to comment
PC96 Posted October 17, 2015 Author Share Posted October 17, 2015 No you are completely right. She owes me nothing. These things are out of my control. But I'm a strong believer in healthy breakups. I believe that 2 people can come to a conclusion where they both realize that they are incompatible and that there is no reason for them to continue the relationship. There is no reason to stay friends as that could possibly lead to more drama but don't you think the necessary closure for each party is the right way to end a relationship? That way there are no harsh feelings, both parties can move on independently and appreciate the other as part of their past? This way no one carries any baggage or negative feelings towards anything? I'm just on a rant here and am looking for affirmation. I know that I can't do anything about my situation and I can't get closure from her. I just don't think it's fair is all. Link to comment
misssmithviii Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 First of all I'm sorry to hear you're going through this emotional struggle right now. As you've said you two are incompatible, so keep that in the forefront of your mind. What she's done by responding to you that way is pretty crass and the polite thing to do would've been to say thank you for the apologies. I think she might be uncertain whether or not her being polite or nice however would lead you to think there's hope/still a chance so if anything she could just be trying to be as starkly honest as possible so as not to give you any ideas. She also could just not care, which is something you have to come to terms with. Right now it hurts because you still care and you need closure. I think one of the hardest things in relationships is feeling like there's no closure, but it's not something that's an obligation to give or facilitate - it's just a courtesy if anything. Try not to let this bring you down, I know it's hard but take her at her word. Right now, she doesn't care. And that's okay. You two aren't remaining friends and aren't in a relationship. She's allowed not to care (or care so much she doesn't want to talk to you... either way) and you're allowed to be okay with that. Just because she doesn't care anymore doesn't negate the feelings in the past - things change, relationships and people change and many times there's nothing we can do about it. We can't make somebody be nice to us, or make somebody see how they're affecting us and change it. People do what they do and it's our job to roll with those punches and get back up again. Keep doing what you're doing and try to be happy or the experiences you did share, and begin your OWN healing process, find your OWN closure by consciously letting go. Be kind to yourself. Link to comment
sargon Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 don't you think the necessary closure for each party is the right way to end a relationship? I just don't think it's fair is all. There's no right or wrong, there's no fair/unfair when it comes to being dumped. She's free to move on and not give you the time of day and it doesn't mean she's wrong or unfair. Whether you were together for a week or 30 years, there's no rule, there's no moral code, there's no nothing when it comes to being done with someone. Would it have been "nice" or "considerate" of her to break up with you gently and give you all the reasons? Sure. But you aint gonna get it from her, most dumpees don't get anything other than "sorry it's just not working" if they even get that. You are of no further use to her, if anything you're just an annoyance with all that "don't contact me, wait I've got something more to say to you" stuff. Link to comment
misssmithviii Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 The problem is you're expecting her to see things the same way, or be able to convince her of the "right" way. Everybody deals with break ups in their own way, and you have to accept that. You are not in control of how she treats you, but you are in control of how you take it and what you do with it. Let this be a lesson, a learning experience and a step towards healing. Stop focusing on her and how her way of going about it doesn't sit well with you. I mean let's be honest here, you did push contact after no contact should've been enforced. Again, realize and remember that you can't make people see things the way you see them. It's nice to find people who do, but that's not always the case. I've experienced all types of break ups and only one of them ended healthily. That doesn't mean I resent the others, it just doesn't matter anymore. This should be working its way out of your mind. Link to comment
PC96 Posted October 17, 2015 Author Share Posted October 17, 2015 No you are right. I told her to stop contacting me so that I can move on and find peace in myself. To have a clean breakup. It's been 2 weeks of the most intensive self reflective time in my life since then and I can finally know in my heart that I don't want the relationship to continue. We all make mistakes, we are human. If I was to constantly nag her about getting back together and stupid stuff like that, then I would understand if it was ridiculous. But the fact of the matter is, is that I have really taken this time to grow as a person and learn from this experience. Because of that, I realized that I said some things out of poor emotional judgement and I just wanted to make amends for that. You can say I am ridiculous if you put it in terms of " I told her not to contact me and then I contacted her", but if you put more context into it, We haven't talked in 2 weeks, I haven't been obsessing or stalking or whatever. Just taking time to reflect and learn. I didn't say anything ridiculous or emotional to her. Is that ridiculous? Link to comment
sargon Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Because of that, I realized that I said some things out of poor emotional judgement and I just wanted to make amends for that. She doesn't give a rat's ass about your amends or anything else that you have to say. Link to comment
PC96 Posted October 17, 2015 Author Share Posted October 17, 2015 Hey thanks missmithviii. I realize and understand everything you are saying. Everyone deals with breakups their own way. Whether or not she cares should not be a concern of mine. It stings obviously, but that's because I do care. I'm not looking for any way to get back with her, revenge or all those other things. I know I can't force closure out of anyone and I have accepted that. I'm just venting about my opinion on healthy breakups. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 You said your final final...and in your head, started NC. She responded to that....and you told her to stop contacting you. She said..."whatever" and stopped contacting you. You lasted two weeks, had a revelation or two....and contacted her again. She replied..."seriously? i am over it. Leave me alone?" Maybe not ridiculous, but certainly not logical or necessary. Link to comment
PC96 Posted October 17, 2015 Author Share Posted October 17, 2015 Sargon? See that's what I have an issue with. It doesn't matter if you cares about my amend or whatever. She is entitled to feel and say whatever she wants. I'm just venting about the healthy and fair way to handle breakups. I obviously have made my fair share of mistakes but I think a lot of people take on a "not caring" and "negative" attitude towards breakups. I'm just saying that it doesn't have to be that way! It would be so much better for both parties to just move on on good terms, accepting each others mistakes and appreciating what they had. I'm not looking for any validation on how she feels about me. I'm just discussing if you guys believe there is a right and fair way to act towards your former significant other. Link to comment
sargon Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 I'm just discussing if you guys believe there is a right and fair way to act towards your former significant other. I think you're asking the wrong questions. It's like saying "I just lost my arm in a cotton picking machine and I'm bleeding to death, what do you think is on TV tonite?" Link to comment
PC96 Posted October 17, 2015 Author Share Posted October 17, 2015 Mhowe. You are right. The more I think about it, the more unnecessary I feel my message was. I said my final words. Time will induce forgiveness. I was just feeling really guilty. I hate that I hurt her. I really just hate hurting anyone. I guess the word "ridiculous" just through me off. Oh well, I am an emotional person and I'm just going to mark it off as another mistake. Mhowe, if I suddenly start feeling any way like this again, is it cool if I private message you so you can provide me with a voice of reason? Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 If you send mixed signals, expect mixed responses. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Mhowe. You are right. The more I think about it, the more unnecessary I feel my message was. I said my final words. Time will induce forgiveness. I was just feeling really guilty. I hate that I hurt her. I really just hate hurting anyone. I guess the word "ridiculous" just through me off. Oh well, I am an emotional person and I'm just going to mark it off as another mistake. Mhowe, if I suddenly start feeling any way like this again, is it cool if I private message you so you can provide me with a voice of reason? Sure...... Link to comment
PC96 Posted October 17, 2015 Author Share Posted October 17, 2015 Lol Sargon, I don't get your analogy. But I respect your opinion in that there is no right or wrong way to handle a breakup. My opinion is that there are healthier ways to handle breakups. Link to comment
sargon Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Lol Sargon, I don't get your analogy. But I respect your opinion in that there is no right or wrong way to handle a breakup. My opinion is that there are healthier ways to handle breakups. Try to look at it from her perspective. It may be painful but you want answers, so give it a try. In her mind, well you're not. In her mind that is. She is not the least bit interested in what you have to say, what you have to do, what you think. To sit down with you and have a long conversation about the "whys" is, to her, uncomfortable, awkward, and a complete waste of her valuable time. She moved on, probably a while ago, and you no longer matter to her. She won't gain anything from the experience of talking to you and giving you closer, she won't be any healthier or any happier. And I doubt you would be either. Link to comment
PC96 Posted October 17, 2015 Author Share Posted October 17, 2015 I mean you're right. She probably sees no utility in giving me closure. But do you think it is as black and white as that? Is it really possible to stop caring about someone you loved? I don't think I could ever stop caring about any of my exes or friends that have parted ways with me. I want the best for all of them. Keep in mind I'm not having this discussion with you anymore in anyway pertaining to my situation. I am talking to you about caring as a philosophy Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 It isn't that you care/don't care. I simply don't even think about my ex's anymore. Just like I don't think about my birthday last year. It's history. Link to comment
sargon Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 But do you think it is as black and white as that? Is it really possible to stop caring about someone you loved? Yes of course. Link to comment
Jeffbobo Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 In most breakup cases, it's rare that feelings are mutual about the breakup. The best and most healthy way to handle a breakup in these circumstances is to completely cut off contact and treat the breakup in the same way as the death of a loved one. In other words, they are never coming back and there is absolutely nothing you can do to bring them back from the dead. This means going through the grieving process and healing. The goal for both is to get to a point of indifference. None of this has anything to do with caring or not. If you truly care, you will leave them alone, not confuse, get their hopes up or string them along by continuing to contact them. Link to comment
PC96 Posted October 17, 2015 Author Share Posted October 17, 2015 Theres a difference between not thinking about and not caring. I have sent apology/appreciation letters to friends and to ex's and they have done the same. We all still care about each other even though we don't cross each others minds. I did send the message too soon I admit, but that was only because I felt I was in a comfortable place to apologize and leave it in the past. It's okay. All I can do is forgive myself and her and accept both our actions and reactions. Link to comment
sargon Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Theres a difference between not thinking about and not caring. Not seeing any practical difference, sorry. Link to comment
PC96 Posted October 17, 2015 Author Share Posted October 17, 2015 I don't think the whole "indifference" thing is healthy. If you continue to ignore your problems and emotions until they don't even bother you anymore. That is called baggage. Trust me, I've done it before. After a breakup with a girl I dated for 2 years, we went into no contact for a really long time without being able to say things and get things off our chests. It was horrible and I definitely still carried baggage onto my next relationship and into my life. It goes against human nature to stop caring about someone you loved. If you're mom or dad were to die, would you eventually stop caring about them? No. You would stop thinking about them and move on and appreciate everything they've done for you Link to comment
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