A three-year sinusoid ride - what dyou reckon ?

[Tom Cardiff]

Hiya folks,

 

this seems as a rather familiar topic to most of you, but I am really desperate to clarify my feelings in the back of my head completely and this situation has been doing me head in for some time.

 

My (currently, as you will see) ex-girlfriend and me had started dating precisely three years ago - and I would say she is really a person I do connect with instantly. She may be different than me personally (I am a really open person who is active, sports vigorously and loves doing new things and meeting new people - she is more conservative and likes her comfort), but I must say I had never met someone that has touched my life so deeply and saved for herself a place in my heart for ages coming.

 

The odd thing is that we had sort of an on - off relationship - I was acting very, very awkwardly and even though I felt I loved her (and I still think I did feel that after the years) I often took her for granted and sometimes felt cornered by her very tightly - knit approach to relationships - f.e. if I had a training session on Thursday and a match on Sat, she could not understand that I have to go there in order to make the matchday squad and therefore blamed me that I dont really like her and stuff like that, which led to a breakup. Eventually stuff like this repeated but we still found a way to get back together - I must really repeat once again that the feelings we share are mutually recognised as something we never did have for anybody in the past. We both feel that our bond is really, really special. So this on and off relationship continued for some time, we also had some ,,friends with benefits" relationship, but I think it just brought us some excruciating pain because we both felt that there was no love lost between us and we ing struggled with coping with this situation of not being together while kind of being bound together.

 

After that we started meeting in the summer a year ago and it all ended the same; I had lots of personal problems, but made a huge mistake of trying to take some personal time off her because I felt I was really hurting her, moreover, I went for a student exchange programme to a foreign country which really injured her and I felt ing horrible for doing that. We didnt see each other for four months, but kept a vivid contact via Facebook and all that stuff..that really illustrates our relationship of not being able to hold off of each other. Then I returned back to Wales and we started meeting again and it all started to get a bit mad - the same old story repeated, but we did not kiss nor had sex, we just hung out with each other for endless hours and weeks and felt great in each other´s presence and she told me that she was ready for a relationship with me and was extremely jealous when other girls mingled with me (only socially). Then, this summer we kissed when I visited her town as countless times before (she lives in a town 20 miles next to mine) and something cracked inside me - I felt - and the feeling still resides inside of me - that I want to be with her for the rest of my life and I love her madly. But when I tried to tell her she kept telling me that she just thinks this is just a phase and that she cannot find a way how to trust me again and what hurt me the most she told me that she forgot about me and did not really think about us in a romantic sort of context, what I just do not believe based on aforementioned experience I state.

 

This went for nearly two months now - we had some massive arguments with the same content usually (she doesnt want any relationship with me) and I was the same like for most of the six months before - I really, really deeply care for her, I think about her all the time, I am curious of what is she doing, how does she feel and how can I help her and I really try to make her happy and to feel good. But all I get is just some resentment because of the past and she does not believe (despite my endless apologies and clarifications of what has happened and almost self-loathing behavioral motions) my feelings for her are real and she does not really care for me anymore. I feel that she takes me for granted, even though she writes me almost always first and proposes that we should meet (and we usually do) or to go somewhere, she sometimes plays with my feelings in a really hurting sense of action. For the last two weeks, she really likes my presence and since I tried to go no - contact with her I think she really got scared and wrote me that she cannot understand why I dont want to see her again and was terribly sad. Now for the past two weeks we have been together every single day and I cannot really understand what is going on in her head.

I do not want to experience the months - lasting pain of rejection anymore, so I am really desperate for your opinions. Should I keep fighting for her and try to make it all right or is it an anthem for a lost cause ? I must underline once again that I really, really love her but I cannot keep going on like this because Ive got my final graduate year coming and I simply dont want to spend all my inner energy because of such emotionally draining situation...I do not want to cry anymore and to be played with.

 

Thank you for your opinions and I am deeply sorry for such a long post. But I really needed to get it out of my system...

 

cheers

 

Tom

[jobelle]

Tricky. I got tired just from reading as I know how exhausting on-off and undefined situations can be.

 

At this point it seems that you both need to stop and either break up for good or decide to start over and give it all you got.

 

You can also ask yourself if love/feelings is what is making you go back to each other or if you both fill in some kind of emotional void in each other. Drama in a relationship takes away a lot of time and energy. When the drama disappears you can feel empty - all of a sudden you have so much more time and energy and you don't necessarily know where to direct them. Focusing on improving your life, yourself and relationships with family and friends instead is usually a good option.

 

Also, the adrenaline kicks you get from the drama can be addicting. It doesn't mean you're in love with her - you're in love with the feelings you get from this roller coaster. But I know it's hard to know what's what.

[Frenchy37]

First and foremost, don't apologize for your long post. I'm sure everyone here posted at one point something long. Often stories here are complicated and do require long posts to explain.

 

Two things I would like to mention. First, this girl doesn't sound really appreciative of you in general. If you have sporting events and such, you want a girl/women to understand and respect your commitments. This actually reminds me somewhat of my most recent breakup. In the end I asked her this question (which she couldn't answer), if we both had feelings for each other, why did it end without us trying ? I know the answer. She doesn't know what she wants. I wasn't satisfying her needs which lead to her being distant and confused, when she started talking to her ex, I told her it was evident she wasn't into this anymore. She agreed, and it broke off.

 

Now, we are both at fault here, I was distant with her at the beginning of our relationship because I was unsure and had a lot going on, but instead of trying to help the relationship she distanced her self.

 

What I am getting at here is to give you an example of someone putting themselves before the relationship. My ex did that. I always thought she was selfish and eventually it showed. Of course there were many other smaller issues but if you don't put the time and effort to fix them... well its evident.

 

Second, my belief is you need to stop with her. Too much back and forth, she actually sounds similar to my ex, she doesn't know what she wants. She's all over the place, and not here to hurt your feelings, but you are also all over the place as well (emotionally). So I would say let her go. We all have had to let loved ones go because it just wasn't working and you and her aren't working, as you can see. You tried time and time again and it just didn't "click". We can argue timing, outside factors, personality types, etc.. but in this case, you've been off and on so much, its evident it isn't working and never will.

[ParisPaulette]

Having gone through something like this I will give you what worked for me. Make the decision to end it for good, walk away, stay away, do not contact her, do not accept contact from her. Once that's done look around in your life and find out what you're not happy with beyond her. Fix that. Improve yourself, work on your own happiness. Look for someone sane and if you see red flags walk away, but keep looking until you find someone you can stay with for good who doesn't think yo-yos are a good template for a relationship.

 

Also dump the need for drama. I know you'll say that's not what it is, but I've been in your shoes exactly and yeah it is. There's something addictive to the highs and lows and you need to break that happy, because you will not have a healthy sane normal relationship with this girl ever. You are both locked in this pattern and the amount of therapy and couples counseling it would take to fix it is just not worth it. Use the money to build a new, better life and leave.

[Tom Cardiff]

Thank you very much folks,

 

I am truly touched by your kindness.

 

Actually I am slowly trying to realise for some time the exact things you have all written me with you wonderful replies; the thing is that every little impulse of even little significance is telling my heart to give it a go and to keep on trying even when my brain probably knows better. The chemical reactions, however tend to influence me really deeply and I struggle to admit the finality of the breakup. I told her that I do not longer form a part of her life and I do not play the sort of role she wants me to play in her script; she cried and told me that I am a huge part of her life, however, then told me to off with any relationship issues...

 

Even though I really think that this girl has started playing some kind of a nasty game with me. OK, I did my mistake, was not sure of my functioning and therefore ed some things up ages ago. But why did she keep on contacting me and chasing me around despite she is saying that she does not want me anymore ? She still maintains a heavy contact with me and I know that she has no other romantic interests; anyway, I have a suspicion that she only calls me when she is bored or what. I cannot understand what is going on in her head and I have no clue of what the future may bring...that spins me into a really nauseous spiral of confusion and regret that I had maybe thrown away the best relationship of my life. I know it does not really sound rational, but I am really scared of regret and hence losing her for ever. I try my best to be the best guy for her but she only laughs it off or completely ignores it; and then she explains it with some crazy half-made up stuff I did in the past, therefore I should not argue with her because I was the same.

 

I am sometimes so completely lost within this person. Any thoughts on this sort of behaviour ?

 

Thank you very much and I am convinced that we will push through this with your help !

 

Stay safe and take care,

 

Tom

[mhowe]

Please reread the responses you received. NOone said you should work through this. It is unhealthy and filled with drama. End it.