He says he's leaving

[confusedmama]

Finally after 5 months of asking, R has agreed to leave for what he calls a "trial seperation". I should feel something, I don't. Other than distrust. He has rented a dive hotel room, but I feel cheated somehow b/c that means he can't take the kids onspecific days and i'll wind up being full-time while he cancome and go as he pleases. Also not sure if he simply wants me to feel guilty about standing my ground, for once in 14 years of marriage. Found out he had been talking behind my back trying to get people to "help" the situation, and he went into my phone and deleted # he didn't think belonged in the directory. Everytime i turn around i'm crying. i wish i knew what for.

[raggamuffin]

Im Australian so I am not sure about what a dive hotel room is, but why does it mean he cant take the kids? He should regardless of where he lives, you dont need to own a place or live somewhere specific to be able to look after you kids for a few hours.

 

Ask him to respect your space and privacy and call or make a time that is convienent for you before he comes around to see you. This is not too much to ask of him. Dont do this alone make sure you get good friends by your side.

 

It is totally natural for you to be crying, this is a stressful situation. Crying is a healthy response right now. Best of luck, PM if you need someone to talk to. Raggamuffin x x x

[cleverme123]

Personally, it sounds as though he is trying to make you see your wrong. In that case depending where you stood up to him and for what, I say heck with it. Tell him if he's going it's for good. Men always get the better end of the deal when it comes to the kids. Most of them think once they make them as long as their mother is willing to take care of them they are free and most of the time it works out that way.

 

What I would do is put very clear ground rules up. You make a schedule and tlel him what times he is expected to get the kids and return them. Then you keep a log. This will benefit you later if you have to go to court on custody. IF he can't keep his promises to them, you will get full custody as long as you have proof.

 

Be lucky you have your kids!!!! Some situations cause issues and the kids are stuck in the middle. I wound up losing my son to my ex husband because he decided to abandon me and my daughter, but wanted to take my son. On average I get to see him maybe 3 times a month. So try not to feel cheated. I say this to everyone with kids, once you have them you know you have to give your life up, so if you aren't done partying and going out, you shouldn't have wanted to be a parent. I understand your frustration, but you have to do what you have to do.

[annie24]

To answer raggamuffin's question - a "dive" just means that it's reallly cheap, dirty, trashy. I always think of dive bars.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this! Like raggamuffin said, crying is normal. But just because he's separating from you doesn't mean he can separate from the kids too! Talk to him to work out some kind of schedule so that you aren't stuck being mom 24-7. Have you talked to him about going to therapy together?

 

I wish you well! Good luck!

[confusedmama]

He actually left tonite, after saying it for 6 days. We sat the kids down and he told them he was going to be staying somewhere else. He actually did a pretty good job with a tough subject. I told them after he left it was like a marriage time-out. Although I'm sad about the end of a relationship, I hate to fail, my biggest feeling is of relief. It seems as if a huge weight has lifted off my chest & I can breathe again. Tomorrow morning may be another story though. Hopefully we'll get the mediation appt. quickly so I can get things in writing.

Why do I feel guilty about feeling relieved?

[cleverme123]

You always feel relieved when you get someone who treats you like crap out of your life. And it sounds as though he may have brow beat you enough. Don't feel bad about it.

[confusedmama]

He is trying WAY too hard. He works from home on Fridays and showed up this morning about 9, after I went to work he did laundry and stayed to get the kids off the bus and took them to dinner, yes I'm glad he is fulfilling his father role, but when I got home from work tonite he just kinda hung around for about 2 hours as if to say see what I did, and aren't I good to being playing with the kids.

Maybe I'm being too hard on him, but I went through my "file" of stuff and it really strengthened my resolve to be done. I had asked him on Mon. nite to be honest about the pornography and confronted him that I knew about the personal ad he had taken out, he made up a partial truth about not know that the pornography bothered me (which it probably wouldn't if he could figure out fact from fiction) and then said he hadn't written to anyone with the personals. I have the messages from him to aperson and from her to him ( granted there were only 2). He also "forgot " to mention the new one he had taken out in Dec. The one he confessed to he had taken out in Sept.

I know this because when we bought the computer And got online I put a keylogger on, i would like to say it was for the kids safety, but I can't.

I guess I need help finding the words to tell him what I say here. It is much more difficult to speak when the blame gets shoved back on you.

Although I'm feeling much stronger about who I might be, she is still hiding. It takes a long time to dig yourself out of a 14 year hole.

[cleverme123]

It does take a while to dig yourself out of what has become seemingly comfortable. But if you think about it and he can only tell you half the truth, half the time. How do you really know if he is telling the truth the other half. You will find your self second guessing him and following him around forever. It's just time for you to stay strong and the less he is around the more you will start to find out how you truly feel. One day you will get the strength to tell him exactly how you feel, until then keep thinking of the things that make you angry and if you want to try to resolve them do and if not, just keep building your case. If he is placing personal ads though, I would say let him go, obviously he isn't really into the marriage thing. It's like he wants his cake and to eat it too.

[confusedmama]

I think he has always been like that, wants his cake & eat it too. And I have unfortunately given him that option, until now. THanks, sometimes I simply need people to reinforce what I know, I guess b/c I don't have an easy time believing my own feelings or gut instinct.

 

It was much easier to see it happening with friends rather than see it in my own home.

 

Hopefully, next week as I get stronger I can tell him to stay gone and set-up some visitation rules ( he has been here 3 times today & called 4). But I know less visitation is going to be even harder on the kids.

[cleverme123]

Visitation is very difficult. I just went through this with mine. Last year when my husband left we had to separate our kids. I had a daughter out of a previous relationship that he did not want, and he took his son. HE put him in the middle of everything. My daughter was shocked because he cut off everything to her! I mean everything. Well I met someone while in process of divorce and winded up moving an hour away. Well he became an idiot and fought me for full custody. He lost and wound up with 50/50. Since my son started him more he has picked up his fathers lazy bad habits. He has completely changed him. My husband left me to move back in with his parents he is 35.

 

Any how, my daughter is no longer close to her brother and my son is a nightmare to deal with. His father has an endless pocketbook, and buys his love where I can't. He doesn't celebrate birthdays or Christmas there, when he comes here he wants to constantly go home. His father told him I am not his family and my daughter only his step sister. His mouth is obnoxious and he has taught him to tell people he doesn't want them in retaliation.

 

Fast forward almost two years. My son is here 4 days a week and I have to iron him out every time I see him. He is so use to being spoiled and doing what he wants. I honestly have considered on several occasions giving him to his dad all together. It seems easier at points.

 

My point is your kids will learn to adjust if they are together.

[confusedmama]

Wow, I know it must be difficult for you in all ways, being mom to your daughter, only seeing your son on certain days and then trying to re-mold him into the child you know he can be. Don't give up on him though, kids know where love is and although they always want the "things" real love and structure always win out. It may be a long battle, but your son is worth it.

 

We go for mediation tomorrow. I'm nervous. I found out he had been checking my email, not sure how. Then I sunk really low. A friend from college and I have recently gotten back in touch and so to set R off I sent him, my friend, a really suggestive V-day card. Yes, he knew it was coming and yes he knew it was just a joke but R didn't. Before this I was simply suspious of R nosing around ( he has a BAD habit of not recognizing personal space) but when he forwarded the card to his work email, I had him. THen I left a message for him in the "draft" folder. I said I was filing for divorce, along with other things.

 

NOw I guess I will have to actually go through with it, and although I know it is what is needed and I'm pretty sure it is what I want I'm struggling to find the power to complete the threat.

 

Right now I'm lonely, sad, trying to be strong and a good mom to "my 3 sons" and forcing myself to NOT look for another relationship. I have to find out who I am first so I don't become what someone else wants or needs me to be.

 

Any suggestions for mediation? I've never done this before. WHat all does it entail?