SpaceRace8421 Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 Before I begin, I just want to say thank you all who have helped me so far, especially the user IThinkICan, because I have done a lot of thinking these past couple of days, and I have realized one thing. As amazing and perfect as this girl is, and as much as I'm still in love with her and have no belief I'll ever find anyone like her again, there are two things I know: 1. If I don't end up with her, then she's not the one, and I'll find the one if I wait long enough, and I'll get over this one. 2. It might not yet be over, as she might just need space, which is exactly what I'm going to give her right now. My friend, who is actually the one who introduced me to her a while ago, told me that she spoke to him briefly a little earlier. He told me that she's very busy studying for midterms and is also feeling pretty sick. If that's all it is, then that's all it is, and maybe she'll talk to me when she has more time. Studying for midterms in college can take up a lot of one's time, and being sick would make that even harder, so maybe that's all it is. And maybe she does need some space too, which is why I'm going to give her some time away from me. Although, I still fear that she won't talk to me anymore She is amazing, and I can't bear the thought of losing her. She has never wronged me, and I don't think I could ever forgive myself if I lost her over something like this. So I'm going to make sure I don't text her again until she texts me. See, a couple of days before this all happened, she texted me telling me that she thinks I'm a great guy, and she'd be happy to spend time with me, but she can't handle a relationship right now, as she is in her first year of college and needs to focus on that. But she said she'd still be willing to go on dates with me, and that was when I started to get a little too needy. The very day after we had that conversation, I asked her if she'd be willing to at least try a relationship, and then I realized that was a bit too much, so I just suggested we just keep going on dates and see where it takes us. Hours later, she texted me saying she couldn't talk because she was feeling sick and she had tests to study for. The day after that, I texted her this long apology about how I was sorry for being so needy and would she give me another chance, and she never responded to that. That was Thursday... I still haven't gotten any texts from her, and I don't know what to think anymore. What does this sound like to you? And don't suggest anything like "she found another guy" or anything like that, because she'd never do anything like that. But my guess is she just needs some space, but what do you all think? I'm honestly freaking out on the inside... I can't lose her Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 If she's sick and trying to study, then it makes sense she's not talking to you very much. Leaving her alone is best, dont be a pain in the butt to her or you will annoy her! You say dont she's found someone else because she's not like that. Well, she could be like that, you can't be 100% sure but for now, leave her alone, assume she's got studying to do and is sick. If after a few wks she doesnt talk to you then you can try texting her, but it may be over and you will have to figure out how to deal with that. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 Responding to her request for space by asking her for a relationship and then sending a long apology text is NOT respecting her wishes! If you continue to force contact on her it will be clear to her your wants are more important to you than respecting her wishes. Please give her the space she asked for. If she does have feelings for you and is just going through a busy time she will NOT forget about you! Link to comment
SpaceRace8421 Posted September 26, 2015 Author Share Posted September 26, 2015 Okay, so I give her space, and then what? What happens when she finally contacts me? How do I show her I've changed. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 I'm not sure how long it's been, but "change" comes about after several months if not years of hard work. That means learning new techniques when you feel "neediness" coming on. If immediately pounce on her asking to resume your relationship, that will prove to her you have not "changed". How about allowing her to take the lead? Try to control your impulse to try to get her back in a relationship, let her decide when you two will spend time together. If you've truly "changed" this will not be difficult for you. Link to comment
SooSad33 Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 "See, a couple of days before this all happened, she texted me telling me that she thinks I'm a great guy, and she'd be happy to spend time with me, but she can't handle a relationship right now, as she is in her first year of college and needs to focus on that. But she said she'd still be willing to go on dates with me" - Leave it at that. Respect her now & leave her be. Be happy with this, I guess. Stop chasing & bugging her. Link to comment
SpaceRace8421 Posted September 26, 2015 Author Share Posted September 26, 2015 She's not exactly the kind of person to take initiative. She has college and everything and says she's really bad with planning, and in order to hang out with her, I always have to be the one to plan it. I suppose instead of saying "Hey, let's go out this Friday?" I could say "So when would you wanna go out again", yeah? I don't know what to do, I can never see her unless I invite her to do something. She's super important to me, and of course, I'll try as hard as I can not to pounce on herby asking her out right away, but what else do I do? What do we talk about then? Just casual conversation? Link to comment
SpaceRace8421 Posted September 26, 2015 Author Share Posted September 26, 2015 I'm just scared to become too needy again. How do I make sure that doesn't happen again? Link to comment
boltnrun Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 If you're worried you'll still act needy you have not "changed". All you've done is realize your neediness repels her. What plans do you have in place to deter you from acting when you start feeling "needy"? If you have no plan other than hoping you don't act that way, you are not ready to engage with her yet. Link to comment
SpaceRace8421 Posted September 26, 2015 Author Share Posted September 26, 2015 I'm thinking of just having casual conversations like we did before I started acting like that. And just waiting a couple days before bringing up another date idea. And I won't talk to her as often as I used to. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 I'm thinking of just having casual conversations like we did before I started acting like that. And just waiting a couple days before bringing up another date idea. And I won't talk to her as often as I used to. No. Make plans that focus on anything other than her. Those are the only kind of plans to make right now. You do not need a plan for her. She is executing about herself. You also are executing a plan about her. Where are you in this equatiion? You are missing. That's the problem. You need to invest in your own life first. What plan have you made for that? Link to comment
boltnrun Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 You could figure out what triggers you to act "needy". Is it fear? Fear that you will lose her? Because if it's motivated by fear of losing her, acting "needy" is the exact thing to do to make you lose her. So, why would you do the one thing that's guaranteed to drive her away? Link to comment
toby17 Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 a couple of days before this all happened, she texted me telling me that she thinks I'm a great guy, and she'd be happy to spend time with me, but she can't handle a relationship right now, as she is in her first year of college and needs to focus on that. But she said she'd still be willing to go on dates with me She broke up with you. she'd be happy to spend time with me This is just code for we can be friends. Dude, it's over. She's not coming back and you can't show her you've changed because you haven't. You're too hung up on this one girl. You've got an attachment problem. Read "Attached" by Levine and Heller. You've even said that this girl is 'amazing and perfect and you don't think you'll ever find anyone like her again'. You're in your first year of college and you think you've found the one?!? It doesn't matter how amazing and perfect she is, she's not for you and she doesn't want you. You know how you'll know you're not needy and you're ready to approach her? When you don't want to. Ironic isn't it! As for letting this girl take the lead, forget that - that just puts the power in her hands. No, you need to simply get over this and accept that this relationship didn't work. Because if not, every break-up you have is going to get that much harder. Link to comment
HappySeeker Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 You've even said that this girl is 'amazing and perfect and you don't think you'll ever find anyone like her again'. You're in your first year of college and you think you've found the one?!? You can find the one at any point in your life. There are many people who find the one at very young ages and they last. I just don't that that is a very fair statement to make. Still though, OP, it really is best to focus on yourself right now. I'm feeling very similar to how you are at the present moment, but someone told me that the way people react to certain situations is their problem to deal with, not ours. That really spoke volumes to me because I tend to take others reactions and think that I did something to provoke it. Sometimes how others act have NOTHING to do with us at all. Maybe pulling away is their way of coping with stress or whatever else is going on in their life. Right now she is doing what she thinks is best for her, and you need to do the same. That is exactly what I am doing right now with my situation. I'm finding things that I like to do, love to do, wanted to do, should do, etc. and I'm making plans to do them all. I cannot force this person to contact me, and if I continue to be needy I will do the exact opposite of what I'd like to happen, and that's pushing him away even further. While I do feel that if someone is important to you, they will contact you, that is how I feel, and I have learned that not everyone is going to act or react the way I'd like them to. This isn't going to be an easy task for either of us, but we need to put ourselves first. If they want to come back around they will, but we do not need to be standing around and putting our lives on hold waiting for them. I know that I have emotionally attachment to this person that was in my life, and since I've dealt with issues growing up in a household with a narcissistic parent, I know that I have issues with not feeling good enough, and things similar to that, so I'm going to go back to counseling to help me. Maybe that might help you too. We'll both get through it. It'll just take time. There's a quote that I read that said: "Sometimes you have to move on without certain people. If they're meant to be in your life, they'll catch up." I like to believe that, and you should too. Wishing you the best! Link to comment
SpaceRace8421 Posted September 27, 2015 Author Share Posted September 27, 2015 Well, how can I possibly cope with the fact that she'll be with some other guy in the future, sleeping with some other guy in the future, kissing some other guy in the future, marrying some other guy in the future, oh my god, this hurts so freaking bad Link to comment
boltnrun Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 Well, how can I possibly cope with the fact that she'll be with some other guy in the future, sleeping with some other guy in the future, kissing some other guy in the future, marrying some other guy in the future, oh my god, this hurts so freaking bad Well, it might happen. And nothing you do can stop it if that's what she chooses to do. Acting "needy" certainly won't do a thing to stop it. However, whether or not you want to believe it, you will be with someone else too. Eventually. Yeah, right this minute you don't believe that. But just about everyone on this forum has been through a breakup and survived. Link to comment
HappySeeker Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 You're overthinking, which is something I tend to do as well. This is still fresh for you, so it's hurting like crazy. It really isn't best to flood your mind with those thoughts right now. You need to redirect your thoughts to you and your well being. That is what important right now, you are. What she may or may not do in the future isn't a concern right now as it hasn't even happened. I really think that if you're able to go to counseling you should. Right now you need to be selfish, it is alright to be at times. I'm trying to remind myself that I deserve someone that wants to be with me, and who gives the attention that I like. I want someone who knows that they want and doesn't play games with my feelings. You deserve the same. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 Saying you are "willing" to go on dates is not the same as "wanting" to go on dates. That sounds as though she felt compelled to say something that may make you feel better without it having any meaning. Apologising for being needy and then, in the very same text, asking her to give you another chance .... AGAIN .... is STILL being needy .... not to mention making it a totally empty apology! It's no wonder she didn't respond. To give you an answer would have been to repeat herself. There is only so many times you can tell someone the same thing before the only kind thing left to do is to ignore them. Yes, she needs space .... desperately ... and your constant invasion of that will do far more harm than good as to how she views you right now. And you do have to consider that one day she might well find someone else. I'm not sure what you mean by "she's not like that". She is perfectly entitled to move in that respect ..... when the time is right, of course. As you are too. Most of us (if not ALL of us here on eNA) has lost someone we didn't want to lose. You are not alone in that respect but you have to learn to accept that this is part of life and you have to learn to deal with it. It's tough but you can do it .... as we all have. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 Well, how can I possibly cope with the fact that she'll be with some other guy in the future, sleeping with some other guy in the future, kissing some other guy in the future, marrying some other guy in the future, oh my god, this hurts so freaking bad Kuzer, you are torturing yourself ... which is not unusual in the early days. Your mind is working overtime. In time you will stop doing this to yourself and eventually, if or when a thought like this does pop into your head, it will hurt less. You have a long journey ahead of you. You are only at the beginning. It will get better. I absolutely promise you this. Link to comment
SpaceRace8421 Posted September 27, 2015 Author Share Posted September 27, 2015 So, she contacted me finally. She said "Hey, I'm really sorry I haven't replied recently." As much as this has been hurting me, I didn't want her to know that, lest I make her feel guilty or something, so I said "Hey, it's nothing to be sorry for. I've obviously, uh... Been a little needy lately, needless to say... sorry for that..." That was how I replied. She hasn't responded to me yet, and it's been a little over an hour (granted, she is pretty busy right now) since I said it. What do you think? Link to comment
mhowe Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 I think you need to stop apologizing for being needy. Link to comment
SpaceRace8421 Posted September 27, 2015 Author Share Posted September 27, 2015 Well, it's a little too late for that, seeing as I literally told you I just did. What do I do now? Link to comment
mhowe Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 Stop texting her and continue giving her space. She isn't interested in a relationship. And she can't miss you if you don't go away. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 Kuzer, at some point you will accept that this is over, at least for now. Every day you focus on the relationship is equal to 10 more days of No Contact you will need if you've any hope for rekindling a friendship or romance. The sooner you turn the spotlight outside, away from her and from yourself, the sooner your next journey will begin. Link to comment
SpaceRace8421 Posted September 27, 2015 Author Share Posted September 27, 2015 Kuzer, at some point you will accept that this is over, at least for now. Every day you focus on the relationship is equal to 10 more days of No Contact you will need if you've any hope for rekindling a friendship or romance. The sooner you turn the spotlight outside, away from her and from yourself, the sooner your next journey will begin. So, what should I do then? If she's not answering? Link to comment
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