breaking his heart

[zebragirl]

I feel like such a for breaking his heart. I am done and he wants to keep trying to work on things. I've been done for many months. I knew that this wouldn't last back in February. I remember sitting down in the valentine card aisle trying to find a card for him and crying because everything said "forever" and I couldn't say that anymore. I knew I loved him but that's all. I didn't WANT to be with him forever. I've been in counseling since March. I know what I want and I know that this isn't working and never will. I tried to have hope for many months and think things could get better. He started being nicer. But the elemental things that are important never changed and I know that for me I'd be settling if I stayed. I finally told him Tuesday. I actually told him I was done trying a couple weeks ago but he didn't accept it. This last Tuesday though he finally realized I was serious. Even then he kept begging me to try to save our marriage and said he KNOWS he can change. He wanted me to go to marriage counseling. I didn't want to because I knew it wouldn't change how I feel. But I said I would for him. I TOLD him that it would NOT change how I felt. He hung onto that chance that it would. We went to the intake Thursday. They asked why I was there because I didn't want to work on the marriage. I told them I went because of him. He has no emotional support and I was worried for him, hoping it would help him accept it. Also that I worry he'd be a danger to himself when I finally left.

 

He really ramped up the kissing and hugging and telling me he loved me the last 4 days. It was starting to make me feel more on edge. He would follow me from room to room and sit and watch me and hug and kiss me. It was so hard because I didn't want to hurt him more and tell him to stop. But I realized I can't let him keep doing that. Last night he wanted to hug me and I told him to stop. Later He asked me to sit next to him to watch TV and I told him I'd rather stay sitting where I was in the chair accross the room. He asked me WHY? I told him because we are separated and I'm not going to pretend. He asked me if that meant I didn't want to talk to him ever again or hug or kiss and are we separated but just in the same house. I told him I don't want him to kiss or hug me unless I say it's ok. And yes we are separated in the same house. I told him that 3 days ago and he didn't want to accept him but it's the same as I told him before. We are separated.

 

He began to ask questions to understand why. I was able to somewhat explain to him, that YES I believe he can change and he has the desire to work on things, but for me, that desire is gone and I don't see that changing no matter how much he changes. This is about ME and how I can't make myself feel toward him , something that's not there. Yes I have always loved him, no I don't regret being married to him, but I am a different person than I was when I was 19 years old and met him. I am 33 and who I am has changed . (he's 43) Even though I love him there has always been something missing and I don't honestly believe I can get that back or get it, because it was always missing. I just didn't know it. It's really hard to explain. and really hard to help him understand. he wants to understand, if he did something wrong, or if it's me or what. Part of it is because he didn't listen to me. But it's not really just that. Maybe that would have changed things if he'd listen a long time ago. But I think there was always some elemental something that was missing and it would have been inevitable that things would have changed.

 

This is so hard. Even though I want to move one and live my life separate/divorced from him, I hate hurting him. I dont' think I could ever hate him. I say that now but I know that I could if he hurt my daughter or decided to be angry and vindictive. But right now I don't hate him. I feel so sad for him. I hate that I am hurting him and taking away the most important thing to him. He seems so long and sad. Despite that , I know in my heart that I can't stay. I knew beyond knowing.

I've never been able to be myself with him. There are so many things that I feel like I have a hard time being ok with, when I am with him. Things he can't really change. Even if things could improve he can't change WHO he is. And he's not a bad person, just not the person I want to spend forever with. I hate this. The feeling like I'm ruining someones life and hurting them beyond measure. It would have been immeasurably easier if he'd been a complete jerk or done something horrible. But instead I feel like I am being the jerk. But I can't give him false hope. I can't stay to make him happy and make myself miserable.

 

Will it get easier?

He wants me to stay in our house as long as I can. So he can see our daughter. I don't see that working for long. He's clinging to shreds that are left. It's so sad.

[HLnoelle]

Sorry to hear you are going through a rough time right now. My first question was why you were still staying in the same house as him if you have "officially" decided to separate. But then I read on, and saw you said that was his wish for you to stay. Though I understand why he wants that, it really isn't healthy for either of you in my opinion. Even though it is harder to leave the house because, it may hurt him. Ultimately you may be causing more harm by being a constant presence and reminder to him by being there. I would leave as soon as feasible for you, and that makes sense since you have the added dilemma of figuring out what is best for your family considering you have a daughter. I can't begin to really understand what that is like since I have never been in that situation so I really wish you the best in that. The good news is, life moves on and you both will too. I would say marriage counselling would be beneficial if you had any hope of it working, but you clearly don't and so I agree there really isn't any point if one person knows it's over. I would you both continue going to therapy individually, just to help cope with the process of separating and moving on. But yeah, I can't emphasize enough of trying to at least give him space during this time even though he may not know he needs it. If you know it's over you should give him that. And then maybe after a suitable time try to amicably be in each other's lives for your daughter. Which sounds totally possible given what you've said in your post, unless he ends up being resentful after the process but I doubt that. It just sounds like a rough time. Good luck!

[j.man]

If you're married and staying in the same home together, you're not separated. That's just a loveless marriage. If you're convinced you want out, then do him and you a favor and actually separate. Start asking friends, families, or even craigslist a room for rent. He is unable to resolve his own feelings seeing you in the same house and you two are unable to cohabit amicably.

 

While I've never been one to push people so sustain a loveless marriage they really don't want, the difference between marriage and just a relationship is that you commit to exhausting all options before you cut the cord. Barring some kind of abuse being in the equation, I feel bad for the guy that his wife didn't even want to consider counseling and has given up on it in less than two weeks.

 

Regardless, you want what you want. You need to pursue what you want in a way that least emotionally tortures both him and you, though. Separate.

[Seraphim]

You can't stay in the same house you are giving him false hope to do that.

[Lucia Amman]

You sound like me from three years ago. I was 19 when I met him and 27 when we broke up. I stayed in his house for another 2 years after that... I moved out last January. He was pretty much in the same state. He was eager to try to make this work 'for our daughters'.

 

I would say that after 6 months I dropped the separate-bomb he finally understood and we're both on the same level. Another three months later and we both dated while we were still living in the same house. He went out one weekend, I would go out the next weekend. There were only minor arguments made and we hardly fought. I met my new boyfriend while I still was living with him. Again: we both were fine with the situation.

 

So; your ex partner will get over it. Just recently I was rereading the emails we send to each other because we didn't want to discuss things in front of our children. The emails from him were all aimed at getting me back or trying to let me see it was for my own best interest too. Or whatever. Yes he was hurt. It's normal if you end a relationship the other person feels bad about. He has the right to feel angry, sad and all that. But he will come over it, even if you decide to stay live with him for awhile. This is probably not what anyone on here would advice but I think you know best what you can or can't cope with. It worked for us but that doesn't mean it will work for you. To be honest: I'm glad I stayed a little longer. It proved for me our relationship wasn't for nothing after all and my children never had to go through a sudden separation. They understood quite quickly what was going on and said: 'you're best expartner friends!' And though it was totally normal. They also weren't afraid for us getting through a horrible separation because we already were separated; now they were just patiently 'waiting' till we would move out.

 

I'm not promoting it. It was hard at some times. We still had the same problems prior to our separation to deal with while we're living together. But it was less important too because I didn't expect him to be my partner anymore or my base to seek love from. So if he didn't meet an expectation I was ok with it and likewise from him to me.

 

As long as you can sleep in a separate room, make good appointments about dating and inviting (new) friends to your home or not etc you'll be fine. We had the rule that we didn't necessarily wanted to know about the dates we had, i never invited any new friends to our home and he didn't either. Only friends we both already new were to be invited. Because a house to me feels like sacred and I need to feel safe in my house and not having stranger in there for a visit romantic or non-romantic.

 

Don't feel too bad about yourself for putting your ex in this situation. If you want to move out it's fine too. He will eventually pick up his life again just like my ex did. It's just very hard in the beginning to do so and see everything from a clear perspective.

[j.man]

As long as you can sleep in a separate room, make good appointments about dating and inviting (new) friends to your home or not etc you'll be fine. We had the rule that we didn't necessarily wanted to know about the dates we had, i never invited any new friends to our home and he didn't either. Only friends we both already new were to be invited. Because a house to me feels like sacred and I need to feel safe in my house and not having stranger in there for a visit romantic or non-romantic.

The guy is following the OP room to room, hugging and kissing her despite her having told him she's done. Not at all suggesting the path you chose wasn't the right one for you, but I don't see cohabiting doing either of them any favors, much less her dating other people while under the same room. The guy simply doesn't seem capable of processing a separation while the two aren't physically so. Every day she's in the house is a sign of hope for him.

[journeynow]

If you are leaving the marriage, you need to move out of the house. Walk the talk. It's confusing to him to have you live there, gives a mixed message. And of course he can see your daughter, you two can share custody.

 

Marriage is not based on the condition no one changes, it's about commitment over time and through the ups and downs and changes. If you don't know and can't explain what is missing for you then of course he doesn't understand, and it is unrealistic for you to expect that.

[Lucia Amman]

I agree J.man but like i said my ex had the same hopes and desires as her ex. It doesn't go in a night and day.

 

On the other hand I'm not completely advising her to follow the same path as me. It's not for everyone and it might not be for her ex. But I would say the wound it is too fresh to make decisions like that. I'm sure if she goes out the wound might heal faster but the decision for staying is naturally off the table. I'm just expressing how it went with 'us' to give her a different insight/perspective of how it could be going. For my ex it took 6 months before he was ok with our situation. That is a very very long time! And it took another three before we started dating. So no dating before you ex is ok with it as long as you're under the same roof. And that again is a very long time if you consider yourself to be done with it (although I wasn't looking for dates in that time either).

 

Again: I'm giving her insight here. And it does take a long healing time before you are on the same page.

[zebragirl]

I really have no desire to stay here with him . I want to move out. I am actually looking for a place but it may take a little but of time. I know he wants me to stay but I do believe that would just be harder on him . And me. I think for our daughter it might be easier if I don't move with her right away but she is young and will adapt as well.

[CluelessQuirk]

I agree with the other posters. I was in a similar situation and wanted to give my ex the chance to find his own place. Unfortunately, by me staying there, he was unwilling to move on. He was still clinging to the hope that we would get back together. It was heartbreaking, because I loved him, but I wasn't in love with him anymore. We both wanted different things, and I couldn't expect him to change for me. Anyway, finally I chose to move out, despite the fact that I knew he couldn't afford our apt on his own. It was the only way he could take the situation seriously and truly move on.

[zebragirl]

I went and looked at some places yesterday. I have to wait till Tues to get into some of them to look because of the holiday.

[Coldarmy13]

Just keep looking and keep reinforcing your intentions. His behavior is a bit strange/sad, if you've been clear youre done.

 

Probably has no clue hes only making it much much worse on himself, but for whatever reason cant help it.

 

I understand he is heartbroken, but if anything it would make me behave completely opposite of what hes doing. People handle things differently I suppose.