Relationship issues

[Sierra]

I have a boyfriend I've been dating for over four years. Although we've had our struggles, I greatly care about him. We practically live together and we don't keep any secrets.

 

Now, I have a guy best friend. He lives along ways away. We met online long ago, And have met in person before. My boyfriend was present the entire time.

 

My guy friend was having a lot of issues in his own relationship, which is very abusive, and came to me to vent and for advice. We ended up skyping a few times,which my boyfriend was fully aware of.

 

Well,one day guy friend told me he realized he was struggling with having feelings for me. I also aknowledged I was feeling the same. I talked to my boyfriend about it, and he told me he didn't want me to stop talking to him, because A.) His girlfriend had cut him off from literally everyone in his life,and I didn't want to leave him alone in the dust and B.) My boyfriend wanted me to work out these feelings I had instead of running from them and wondering "what-if" forever.

 

So, I kept talking to him over several months. That is, until his girlfriend found out about me and blocked me from all his social networking accounts, phone, etc.

 

Now,I am really stuck. I don't feel it's the right thing to do to my boyfriend to attempt to seek him out, though I'm legitimyely concerned about him and his situation with his manipulative girlfriend. He always ends up going back to her after severe fights,and I mean severe, in terms of threatening to kill herself if he leaves. He has no other real friends because of her. What should I do? Also, I feel so bad about questioning my feelings toward guy friend. Am I a terrible person? He's my best friend and I hate to lose him like this.

[alli]

You can't will someone out of an abusive relationship, no matter how much you care for them. If he needs help he should turn to people who are closer geographically to him- family, friends, etc. There are hotlines for people who are in abusive relationships and often times even shelters, though it might be harder to find a shelter that takes men as women are more often the victims of domestic abuse.

 

I once had an boyfriend who said he would kill himself if I broke up with him, which was exactly what I was doing when he said it. Hey, I don't want anything bad to happen to him but I'm not going to stay with someone for the rest of my life because of what they would do if I left. Guess what, it's 12 years later and he is still alive. Usually they don't mean it & it's just a manipulation attempt.

 

Anyway, it sounds like you consider this guy a good friend but you've hardly actually seen him in person and he lives no where around you. He needs to help himself. If you have the chance to talk to him again you could encourage him to rebuild relationships with his family and friends and seek help from them. You could refer him to a hotline. You could research if there are any shelters or support groups in his area that he could go to. But that is the extent of what you can and should do to help him.

[SophieGrace]

Your guy friend is responsible for himself; he's a grown man. No one can make him do anything. These are his choices.

 

As for your relationship with your boyfriend, I don't think it's fair to him at all that you are playing around with feelings for this other guy whether he gave you permission or not. How would you like it if the situation were reversed? Your boyfriend comes to you and tells you he has romantic feelings for his female friend and wants to continue to explore what is ultimately an emotional affair by continuing to communicate with her via Skype and online.

 

I don't see how this situation is good for any of the players, so I suggest you make a choice. Either let the guy friend go and rededicate yourself to your relationship, or let boyfriend go and wait around for drama guy to dump the current girlfriend to see if an LDR will work. Personally, I don't think the latter choice sounds there will be a happy ending, but it's up to you.

[Hollyj]

Being his crutch does not help, it only enables him. He is choosing to stay with this woman for whatever dysfunctional reason.

 

I would look in co dependency, for yourself. Are you always the rescuer?