figmentations Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 Hey guys, I started seeing this guy I met off OKCupid approximately a month ago. He's busy and works full time and I work some crazy hours so we've had a total of 4 dates so far which have all been super fun and I feel I can really talk to him. The first date we only kissed a bit, second date we made out and the third date we had sex. The first time we had sex, he didn't text me the following day which super stressed me out because only 5 months ago I had ended a FWB relationship that was pretty toxic to me and made me conclude casual no strings attached sex isn't for me. I did text the day after and he replied right away and we talked back and forth. Then he was silent for another day and a half until he texted saying he missed my face. At this point I was about to cut him out because my fears of being used solely for sex came back and I wasn't going to put up with that anymore. I replied normally that he should make plans to see me if he wanted to see me again, which he did, and we decided to meet later that week. At this point, and I'm sure some people will smack me for being dumb or something, I decided I needed to communicate that I wasn't going to be his booty call, f*** buddy, FWB or anything like that. Neither did I say I wanted girlfriend status right now or dive into some sort of serious relationship, rather just keep going out on dates and see what could happen. He agreed, saying he thought he had feelings for me and that casual sex wasn't his style but in his previous relationships he had dove head-in into serious long term relationships and didn't want to repeat that. I was satisfied with this answer and we had a nice date and slept together again. Then the following day I texted him to see how he was, he answered once and that was it. Monday of this week rolled by with total silence from him and there was no texting like the previous weeks where he texted me pretty much every day. I texted him once, asking what's up and he replied hours later when I was already sleeping so I didn't answer until the following day and we talked for quite a bit, wherein he told me he had worked 32 hours the weekend and had work all week until he started school next week. I'm also leaving for a 2 week vacation to South America in which he had offered to drive me to the airport but then said he couldn't because he had a night and early morning shift that day. In the rambling and length of this post (I apologize!), I'm a) wondering why he seems to not talk to me after sex b) he's cut down on how much he texts me after I had that talk with him c) he's made no plans to see me before I leave Sunday morning which I can understand since he said he had a lot of work d) I'm kinda leaning that he might be doing the slow fade on me since he only said to text him after I got back from my trip. I know I can be kinda clingy and its something I am conscious of and I've done my best to give him space and try not to let the texting thing affect me too much although I feel it is indicative of something. He's held my hand in public, told me I was a good listener and had stopped using Tinder after he met me and wasn't seeing anyone else. Are my fears from my FWB situation affecting my judgement? Is he losing interest? Thanks for reading and sorry for the length! Edit: I put Tinder instead of OkCupid. Link to comment
mhowe Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 He's working and getting ready for school and you are headed off on vacation. That's what's happening. Working 32 hours over a weekend is a lot of shifts. Next time, don't look for relationship material on Tinder. It's a hook up site. Link to comment
figmentations Posted August 20, 2015 Author Share Posted August 20, 2015 I meant to write OkCupid instead of Tinder, not sure if it makes much difference. I'm trying to distance myself from the situation to see that he's working a lot, almost starting school and I'm off for a quick vacation. Link to comment
mhowe Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 He's not doing the slow fade...he's busy and you are leaving Sunday for 2 weeks. You are dating....not in a relationship. Dial it down. Link to comment
missmarple Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 Your FWB relationship made you realise that casual sex isn't for you. Great. So, what do you do next? Go to bed with a new guy after just 2 dates. And now, naturally, your insecurities are taking over. Look...I don't know if he's still interested or seriously interested or whatever..noone here does. You'll know for sure when you're back from your trip and things go back to normal. What I do know is that if a girl wants a serious relationship (as opposed to casual dating), she makes sure that she gets to KNOW the guy first...especially if she's the insecure type that you seem to be...and even more so if she's recently had a bad experience like you did. Link to comment
figmentations Posted August 20, 2015 Author Share Posted August 20, 2015 He's not doing the slow fade...he's busy and you are leaving Sunday for 2 weeks. You are dating....not in a relationship. Dial it down. Thanks, mhowe! I can get into a tizzy at the drop of a hat and do feel my insecurities are hindering my judgment. I'll try to calm down and just let time do its thing. Link to comment
figmentations Posted August 20, 2015 Author Share Posted August 20, 2015 Your FWB relationship made you realise that casual sex isn't for you. Great. So, what do you do next? Go to bed with a new guy after just 2 dates. And now, naturally, your insecurities are taking over. Look...I don't know if he's still interested or seriously interested or whatever..noone here does. You'll know for sure when you're back from your trip and things go back to normal. What I do know is that if a girl wants a serious relationship (as opposed to casual dating), she makes sure that she gets to KNOW the guy first...especially if she's the insecure type that you seem to be...and even more so if she's recently had a bad experience like you did. I know I don't think things through sometimes and I'm very new to the dating scene and games that seem to go on. I know I want to date and if it turns into serious, that's great but it's not necessarily my end goal. I prefer to let things flow and I haven't had a long term relationship in over 2 years. Thanks for the advice! Link to comment
SophieGrace Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 Hey guys, I decided I needed to communicate that I wasn't going to be his booty call, f*** buddy, FWB or anything like that. Neither did I say I wanted girlfriend status right now or dive into some sort of serious relationship, rather just keep going out on dates and see what could happen...and we had a nice date and slept together again. This made me laugh out loud. Sorry you are going through all this anxiety; it definitely sucks, but I agree with MMarple - it's a great lesson for the future in not sleeping with a guy until you know one another better and have agreed to exclusivity. As for now, it's pretty tough to go backward but maybe after your two-week break if the two of you pick back up, you can say you'd like a fresh start that includes NOT sleeping together until you've decided if you are compatible and want to be exclusive. Until you leave, take a step back. Link to comment
janut1 Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 I agree with MM. You have to slow your roll a bit. You don't know this guy at all and you slept with him on the 3rd date. In my experience when I have slept with a guy too soon it has led to FWB and that is not at all what I want either. I was burned like you were and learned my lesson from that. I met a guy on Zoosk and really like him. Our first date we went to dinner and watched a baseball game on TV. He expected to sleep with me, but I sent him home because I wasn't ready for that, I barely knew him. 2nd date, he cooked dinner for me at his home. I made the big mistake of sleeping with him that night. I really like him. I didn't understand then, but he was looking for a FB. We saw each other for about 3 months and he went dark. It hurt bad. I was so into him, he wasnt into me in that way. He pops up 3 months later starting the same crap with me. I care about you and miss you... but Im not sure I want a relationship. I still had feelings for him so it was really hard to hear from him and not respond But, thank goodness I didn't meet him cause he ended up in a relationship and was dating her when he reached out to me. So lesson learned. He was looking to me as a FB while he was deciding if he wanted a relationship with this other women. I pretty much told him off and hope I never hear from him again. So all this just to say, be careful. Take your time and learn from your past mistakes. Link to comment
Heather Dawn Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 Hmm, lots going on here. You've only been dating a month, so four dates averages to once a week which is perfectly fine. Knowing your history as you do, you probably should've waited to have sex with him until you both agreed to get more serious. But that's neither here nor there since you can't change what's happened. However, I'd say that it sounds to me like he wants to move a lot slower than you're comfortable with. And with you leaving for two weeks - and him not showing any desire to see you first - I'd say that you need to accept that he's probably viewing this as a much more casual thing than you are (at least at this point; it could change down the line, of course). And if you're not careful, worrying about this will ruin your vacation. I know it's hard, but I think you need to think of it the same way he is - which is to say that it's brand-new and has potential, but it could go either way. Link to comment
figmentations Posted August 20, 2015 Author Share Posted August 20, 2015 In hindsight, I probably should have waited longer but it's done and like you said, I can't take that back. I got the feeling he would be very slow since from what he told me, he broke off a four year relationship around 3 years ago and he was engaged to his ex and walked away from that hurt. I guess I'm mostly worrying about him having lost interest because we've had sex already and that makes me anxious and yes, I know I shouldn't have slept with him that early on but it happened. He's very affectionate but also stresses me in that one week he texts everyday but now it seems to have fizzled out, but it also coincides with lots of work on his end. Thank you for the kind response. Link to comment
Heather Dawn Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 In hindsight, I probably should have waited longer but it's done and like you said, I can't take that back. I got the feeling he would be very slow since from what he told me, he broke off a four year relationship around 3 years ago and he was engaged to his ex and walked away from that hurt. I guess I'm mostly worrying about him having lost interest because we've had sex already and that makes me anxious and yes, I know I shouldn't have slept with him that early on but it happened. He's very affectionate but also inconsistent in that one week he texts everyday but now it seems to have fizzled out, but it also coincides with lots of work on his end. Thank you for the kind response. You're very welcome. And good luck! Enjoy your trip and then see what happens when you get back. Link to comment
greta96 Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 A few things jumped out at me from your post, and it is obvious to me why he has lost interest: " ...second date we made out and the third date we had sex. The first time we had sex, he didn't text me the following day which super stressed me out because only 5 months ago I had ended a FWB relationship that was pretty toxic to me and made me conclude casual no strings attached sex isn't for me." If casual sex is not for you, then you surely didn't act like it. Making out on second date and sex on the third with some dude you met online screams casual. So no wonder the guy took it as such. " At this point, and I'm sure some people will smack me for being dumb or something, I decided I needed to communicate that I wasn't going to be his booty call, f*** buddy, FWB or anything like that. Neither did I say I wanted girlfriend status right now or dive into some sort of serious relationship, rather just keep going out on dates and see what could happen. He agreed ........... I was satisfied with this answer and we had a nice date and slept together again. " Well....once again, you uttered the words (that you didn't want casual sex) yet you acted quite the opposite to that! On one hand you told him you wanted to go on dates and see what happened, on the other hand you jumped in bed with him once again! Talk about sending mixed signals... Empty words will never get you anywhere. In order to show that you are not a casual hookup, you have to act the part. Instead, you acted like a casual hookup. It may sound harsh, but these are the cold hard facts, and I am telling it to you like it is, because hopefully next time you have a guy interested in you, you don't make the same mistakes. There's plenty of time for sex, once you get to know them better and they show you (with their actions) that they are on the same page as you. I will never understand the need for rushing into sex and taking shortcuts, you are depriving yourself of the most exciting phase of romance, the courtship, the getting to know each other, and everything amazing that comes with budding relationships. He probably did lose interest. Next time be more careful, after all it's your heart and your health at stake here! Link to comment
snf23 Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 As a girl around your age who has the same anxiety about sleeping with someone, I totally understand. Like you've said, you can't take it back and there's nothing really you can do at this point. I know it's hard to deal with (I'm a person who likes being in control, especially in dating), but he's going to do whatever he's going to do. Either he likes you enough to keep dating you (regardless of already having slept with you) or he doesn't. I've learned from previous experience that if a guy is mostly/exclusively after sex, he will break it off no matter if you sleep with him after 3 dates or after 10. I dated a guy almost a year ago who told me that he really liked me but he needed to see if we had "sexual chemistry" before he could commit to a relationship. I wasn't sure so I waited a month to sleep with him and a week later, he broke it off. That was a hard lesson. On the other hand, I've been dating a great guy for 2 months now and we haven't slept together yet. I know it will happen when the time is right and I have no anxiety about it. We've taken the time to get to know eachother, he tells me how he feels about me, and I know that won't change when we get intimate. Maybe this guy isn't right for you or maybe he just wants to go much slower, but the only thing I can say is enjoy your vacation, try to push him out of your mind, and just let whatever is going to happen, happen. And if nothing else, it's a good lesson to learn Link to comment
Helpexpressme Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 No sorry, if he was interested he would text you everyday. But you seem to do the follow up after sex, and he talks but he's not that interested. Go on holiday, come back and start again. And no sleeping with people on date 3 if that isn't the type of hook-up that you want! Link to comment
DoF Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 Your FWB relationship made you realise that casual sex isn't for you. Great. So, what do you do next? Go to bed with a new guy after just 2 dates. And now, naturally, your insecurities are taking over. Look...I don't know if he's still interested or seriously interested or whatever..noone here does. You'll know for sure when you're back from your trip and things go back to normal. What I do know is that if a girl wants a serious relationship (as opposed to casual dating), she makes sure that she gets to KNOW the guy first...especially if she's the insecure type that you seem to be...and even more so if she's recently had a bad experience like you did. Agreed 100% Always hold off on intimacy for 4-6 months until you REALLY know the person and they are a good fit. NOW, that doesn't mean it should prevent you from talking about it and making sure your sexual drive matches and you guys are compatible. But sex on 2nd date....not smart. It completely disables you from weeding out the dogs.....or guys that just want to hit it and split. Link to comment
Heather Dawn Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 Agreed 100% Always hold off on intimacy for 4-6 months until you REALLY know the person and they are a good fit. NOW, that doesn't mean it should prevent you from talking about it and making sure your sexual drive matches and you guys are compatible. But sex on 2nd date....not smart. It completely disables you from weeding out the dogs.....or guys that just want to hit it and split. 4-6 months seems excessive...lol. Link to comment
smallville Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 Sort of going through the same thing. Made a thread about it. With a girl for almost 2 months; I did the same thing, telling her I didn't want a FWB, and she started to slow down off me. Then last weekend she said she was busy and I tried to be cute and get her to hang out with me anyway and now she's been ignoring me for almost a week and brought out an insecure side of me no person should have to be brought out in them. As of now it isn't a happy ending, but who knows maybe she'll get back to me when she isn't busy (or pretending I don't exist). Just know that people are out there feeling the same thing you are; good luck! Link to comment
figmentations Posted August 20, 2015 Author Share Posted August 20, 2015 Thanks a lot for taking the time to reply. I know I have some hard lessons to learn and this is one of them because I really do like him but the possibility he just lost interest is pretty high so I need to resign myself to that rejection and just back off from him and the entire situation completely. It's probably a blessing in disguise I'm off in a few days so I can put my mind to seeing friends and family. I'm sorry you had to go through that but I hope it goes well with your new guy Link to comment
figmentations Posted August 20, 2015 Author Share Posted August 20, 2015 No sorry, if he was interested he would text you everyday. But you seem to do the follow up after sex, and he talks but he's not that interested. Go on holiday, come back and start again. And no sleeping with people on date 3 if that isn't the type of hook-up that you want! He was texting everyday after the first time we had sex, except that I did have to do the follow up twice and that does make me feel very insecure. I will go do my thing and come back. Not even sure I should contact him after I come back, just to try and I'll probably have my answer then depending what he does. I know I need to steel myself for rejection at this point. Link to comment
figmentations Posted August 20, 2015 Author Share Posted August 20, 2015 Sort of going through the same thing. Made a thread about it. With a girl for almost 2 months; I did the same thing, telling her I didn't want a FWB, and she started to slow down off me. Then last weekend she said she was busy and I tried to be cute and get her to hang out with me anyway and now she's been ignoring me for almost a week and brought out an insecure side of me no person should have to be brought out in them. As of now it isn't a happy ending, but who knows maybe she'll get back to me when she isn't busy (or pretending I don't exist). Just know that people are out there feeling the same thing you are; good luck! Yeah, the whole ignoring bit is what hurts. It sucks people can't be more upfront to say they only want FWB or whatever when someone tells them they don't want that and just go down different paths. Link to comment
Twinsouls Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 A guy will say anything that you want to hear if they have ulterior motives. If he was looking for sex he got it and he will most likely leave if that's all he wanted. I agree with the others, you are a prize and giving up your body should be something he needs to work for it. There should be talk of exclusivity before you decide to jump into bed with him. His interest could be dwindled after he had the goods but if he's genuinely interested he should be contacting you everyday. Just take it as a learning experience, unfortunately, you can't take back what's happened. I have done the FWB before as well and I told myself I would never do it again and here's why: it's degrading with the no strings attached package and someone ends up getting hurt. As a woman, we bond emotionally when we have sex with someone. A man is wired differently so they don't feel as attached. It's really not worth it. You want to be in a relationship that will lead somewhere, commitment and marriage. We don't want to be someone booty call! We are worth so much more than that! Have a great time on your trip and don't worry about this guy. He will either step up or you will find someone so much better. Good luck! Link to comment
SoulTaker Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Op, what you were trying to accomplish made sense. You've recently came out of a toxic relationship, and you weren't ready to dive into a relationship. So, you went the casual route. As others have noted, it's the way you went about it, that was the problem. A couple of observations: If you're going to go casual, then you need to understand its rules. That means that he can go "ghost" on you anytime he wants. He doesn't have to stay in touch with you, as with dating for a relationship. Go by what he does, and not what he says. Usually, one person is the aggressor in this situation (sex). This isn't a spontaneous decision by both people. Who was the aggressor? You've stated that it's not your style. Did he subtly guided you down that road? He's full of it with that line about it not being his style. It is exactly his style (his whole statement is a total contradiction). "He thought he had feelings for you". And, you were satisfied with this? That is your problem. Link to comment
smallville Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Well I got the answer to my situation today and it wasnt a good one. Unfortunately OP your story is turning out looking exactly the same. I dont want to say its exactly whats going to happen, but you can read my full topic in the forum and maybe piece together what you could be doing different from my mistakes. Good luck and hope it turns out better than my story. Link to comment
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