Decreased sex drive in wife...HELP!!

[chad49386]

Ok so I am a first time member and having problems, I came accross this website and was impressed and hoping that someone could help me...So here goes....Me (25 age) and my wife (22 age) used to have great sex (i mean 2 to 3 times a day) but lately she has had a great decrease in sex drive. (usualy once a week if that) I have tried to talk to her about the problem, but she says that if i keep bugging her about it that it just makes her not want to give it to me at all. She totaly enjoys sex when we do have it, but I just don't understand what I am doing wrong to not make her want to have sex. It just doesn't seem fair to me that when she really wants to have sex I give it to her even if I am not in the mood, but if I want to initiate sex she pushes me away almost every time. I love my wife very much (sex or no sex) but this problem is very troubling to me and makes me feel like she doesn't find me sexualy attractive anymore. We do have 3 kids and it is very hard to have time to ourselfs. I myself work fulltime sometimes over 40hrs. My wife does not work and stays home with the kids to babysit. I understand that she is tired when I get home from work, but I am tired too and always try to meet her needs. (sexualy or helping out around home) And like I have said I have told her how I feel about the sex situation and sometimes she listens and sometimes she doesn't. When she does listen she really tries to make me happy sexualy, but it only lasts a couple of weeks and then we are back to the same old same old. I really love my wife and I hate to see something like this come between us could someone help me I am desperate.

[lisica]

Once a week seems healthy and normal for a couple with 3 kids and a busy work schedule. If you tell her often you want more sex, there is a fairly large risk she will start to think of sex as an extra chore she has to fit in the schedule. Needless to say that is no fun. So I suggest you tacitly try to tackle the problem at the source. Help her to relax more and to have more time for herself and for you 2, and things might magically work out by themselves. But do not expect too much too soon however, and make sure she does not know that you are doing it to get her to make love to you more often, because that will only have the opposite effect. Help her in the household so you can both go to bed early and she is not too exhausted. Take her out for a movie or a dinner or even a romantic weekend, and organize the babysit and all other practical details yourself. Maybe Valentine is a perfect occasion to start without her getting suspicious why you are suddenly so romantic and frisky

[circles]

you said it yourself - she says that if i keep bugging her about it that it just makes her not want to give it to me at all....

 

try to be a little romantic, do something spontaneous and kind, that wont be demanding of her, see if you can lighten her load with the kids, i think if you helped her to relax she might be more interested nobody likes sex when it feels like something you haf to do rather than want to. dont expect change overnight. try to figure out whats causing her to stess out. try talking to her about it, but rather than talking about her not having sex with you, talk about whats stressing her out ect, see if you can make things better for her.

[Stari]

Chad, your wife does not seem to be a Giver.

 

Since she really enjoys the sex, when it happens, so obviously she only agrees to sex when she wants to.

 

She does not intend on start giving and having sex more frequently. If she did, she would feel guilty enough already to at least talk about the issue without becoming defensive. If both of you wanted to be intimate, you two would agree to set the alarm clock early be intimate when the kids are asleep, for example.

 

Other posts suggest that you have not taken her away from the kids enough. You can check if this is the case by arranging a romantic weekend away for the two of you.

Then you will notice if her having sex several times a day was because she enjoyed being initmate with you or if what she really wanted was a baby.

 

I hope for your sake that it is the former.

 

I love my wife very much (sex or no sex)

Good for you, if it is true.

But important questions remain : Does your wife love you?

Does she love the kids but not you?

Would you want to spend the rest of your life in a loveless marriage?

How would that affect the kids?

[11flower]

It so happens that sex drives do change and go up or down. You have 3 kids. I've heard it said that couples with kids at some stages are lucky to have sex once a month even!

 

I think I would not listen to some advice telling you your wife is not a giver, because this is not necessarily true. That's just not nice either. Of course she's a giver. But she may not be *able* to *give* that to you at the time you want it. She gives and gives to the kids all day. Her own needs may need tending to, such as fitness, social life, recreation outside of your relationship, hobbies, and that.

 

The 3xday intimacy you shared for a season; and I reiterate, a season, was something great you had...for a season. You can get back to this, but now there may be a new season in your marriage and family life.

 

I understand that a man's highest sex drive is around 18 give or take. A woman's can be anywhere from 30s to literally mid 40s! This seems so flip-flop in that around mid 40s is when a man's libido decreases; so the two balance one another. HA!

 

Anyway, I don't think you should feel something is wrong because your wife has changed or your sex activity isn't what it was. It's what happens usually in most marriages and couples.

 

Find out what your wife's needs are; explain your own. What are her special interests? What are yours? See if you can meet one another halfway. It's a very, very busy time for both of you. Go with the romantic getaways! Early in the morning is a great time to be intimate if that's all you can do (I know from experience similar to yours).

Arrange a babysitting for her, buy her flowers or what she likes, and go for a weekend or evening together. Heck, make love in the car if you can!

 

If you have seen the movie, "Meet The Fockers", it's a great movie, IMHO, about freedom of sexual expression. They'd hang a hat on the door when they were...at it...and that meant NO interruptions; yet everyone knew what they were up to. If you guys get to a place where your children are old enough or just understand not to knock on your bedroom door when you are in there together, this might work.

 

Also, it's healthy, I understand, that your children know that you and your wife have a healthy sexual relationship. By that I mean that you go in your room, lock the door, tell them, "No, we're shutting the door." ;-) No interruptions.

 

Romantic evenings, flowers, gifts, compliments as to her attractiveness to you, or things you like about her--voice these. Pursue your wife differently than you had before with these little things that may turn her on. This is the beginning of that intimacy. Get her mind going about sex and lovemaking. You don't need to prove anything, just rekindle the fire and give your wife (and you) a much needed break.

 

11Flower

[Celadon]

Do you two have intimacy without sex? Sometimes wives just want that sense of closeness. Or does every massage have to turn into sex? Maybe it would recharge her batteries more to know that you'll rub her feet or work out the kinks in her back without expecting intercourse in return.

 

Also, with three kids ... oy! She probably feels like a used up dishrag by the end of the day....

 

I hope things get better for ya!

[fantasia2004]

more foreplay

[11flower]

I don't think it's only a matter of more foreplay because his wife is too tired to even approach that, as he has already indicated. It's a matter of setting up the situation so they can even have time to be together for what you said.

 

11Flower

[OceanEyes]

Chad, your wife does not seem to be a Giver.

 

Since she really enjoys the sex, when it happens, so obviously she only agrees to sex when she wants to.

 

I don't think that it's fair to assume that his wife is "not a giver" by the information he's given us. We really don't know her, or the type of person she is in other facets of life, so labelling someone as a "taker" is unfair in the sense that it makes them seem selfish in some way. And, to be honest, we really don't have enough information to make that kind of judgement.

 

Chad, I think that by the sounds of the way your life has gone with your wife, that her sex drive decrease is probably due to the fact that you now have three little ones to look after. It can't be easy to be responsible for three kids during the day, yet still try to feel "sexy" and aroused at night when your husband gets home. I'm guessing that most of her energy is going into raising your children at this point.

 

Something that I can totally understand, is not wanting to be pestered about my lack of sexual-interest. Not only does it make one feel 'obligated' to fulfill "duties", but it will probably also make her feel like she is failing you in some way. How would you feel if your wife kept pressuring you for something sexual that you just couldn't fulfill at the time, due to work stress or other issues? I think the worst thing that anyone can do is place guilt or obligation on someone else sexually. It will destroy your sex life altogether and will create a lot of resentment.

 

I don't think it's fair to say, "hey, I give it to her when I'm not in the mood, why can't she?". There is probably a really good chance that she doesn't even know that you're not in the mood. Most women are under the impression that men are always in the mood. I just don't think that it's fair to expect sex when someone is physically turned-off or incapable of 'getting into it'. She shouldn't expect that from you, either.

 

I don't believe that sex is something that should be forced to please one person. What's the point? It's always going to result in bad vibes in the long run, and who wants to have sex with a person who isn't even turned on? I think putting a bit more effort into having some time to yourselves, and definitely for her to have some time away from the kids every now and then would probably make her feel more like a woman, and less like "mommy".