Oral dilemma

[flowers3]

Iv always had somewhat of a difficult time with sex, abusive boyfriends who felt it necessary to force it, unrealistic expectations, and demands, complete rejection. I have no confidence at all and utterly do not believe my worth.

 

I had a traumatic experience with oral which resulted in me vomiting all over and then crying myself to sleep alone, made me feel utterly empty, discraced and humilated more than I ever have before. I have been terrified about the whole thing ever since, at one point i used to kinda have panic attacks just the thought, couldnt even kiss someones tummy for fear.

 

Over the last couple of years with new friends I had developed some confidence and felt a bit brave about certain elements, and i know kissing someones groin hardly sounds monumental in terms of bravery but it was for me, like climbing ben nevis, an achievement. So i got a new guy now and i really did feel besotted with him and we had talked about it and in some way made me think of it all a bit differently. So one time we were getting brave in the bath, and then soon as we went into the bedroom i was still feeling brave and a bit excited and he fell asleep. OK it wasnt like it was the whole event but it was baby steps that felt very monumental to me. And that kinda took me right back to where i was before. He seems to think apologising is enough and hes since begged me to try again, doing all sorts to make me want to, and the other day he was pleading with me, asking me to think of us, and him, and remember it is just us etc, and i just couldnt even bring myself to do anything. hes taken it all very personally and i dont understand. Why would he take it so personally?

 

Nearly every man i ever been involved with seems to think it is really important, and made it very obvious and difficult to me. Why is it so important to men?

 

Iv spent the last few days really soul searching and researching alsorts in relation to it. I cant get my head round how giving oral sex isnt just about degrading women and about power. Am I being unreasonable? Am i strange in my feelings? How can it ever be a loving act? Is it possible to feel anything else than dirty? Is it possible to get over these kinda of thoughts? Do women ever really like doing it? and why?

 

I think im gonna end up loosing this guy and no hope of getting it right again, im confused, and fed up of feeling like this, and being a puddle. id appreciate some guidance

[WithLove]

First of all - if you're uncomfortable, absolutely do not do it. Do not allow anyone to force you into it. A lot of men do like it, it's true; but I've met a handful that prefer intercourse to oral sex.

 

It's funny how you equate oral sex to degrading women and a power struggle, when in fact, I view it the exact same way, only in reverse. I feel like I am in utter control of the entire situation when giving oral. I feel in power because I have the ability to give a man complete ecstasy - or not. Look, the truth is, some women just don't like it, and that's all there is to it. Your dating pool may become severely shallow because of it, but that doesn't mean you can't find a man that won't force you into it. Not all men are animals.

[DoF]

First, about your past/history. It's as big of a deal or as small of a deal as YOU make it. Don't let the past bring you down, seriously. I know it's easier said then done but your past is irrelevant in your current relationship.

 

DO NOT let your past effect your future.

 

As for BJs and men. Well, our ultimate expression of intimacy/love is sex. And oral is probably on top of the "ultimate expressions of love" for us.

 

So yeah, it's extremely important.

 

Don't hold the whole "falling a sleep" thing too seriously, it happens. Besides, that probably wasn't the only chance EVER that he would get, right?

 

If oral is very important to him (which it is to most men) and you are not willing to stop your past effecting your future, let him go and end this relationship.

 

There is no point to continue.

 

I hope you understand,

Good luck

[CraigHowes]

Hey flower, first off as a man I apologise for all of your exs and even your current bfs behaviour and maturity on the subject of oral. I imagine they are quite young and trust me you don't want to be with these men.

 

As you know if you go about it the right way it can be exciting and a real adventure and you almost got there in the past. It's true that the majority of men like oral and the same with women.

 

What you have is resentment for it which i can understand because of your past and being pestered for it. The more they ask the less you want to do it.

 

To give you some context I'm currently going through this with my girlfriend when she is drunk oral is no problem and that filter goes but when sober there is friction. We are a very open couple and we talk about it with no pressure or expectation. I don't ask her to do it i want her to want to do it which is all about making her feel comfortable and letting her explore at her own pace. I'm enjoying it and we are slowly getting there.

 

So back to you if you've explained yourself and your feelings about oral and he is still asking and trying to persuade you to do it then he is being selfish and just making himself further away from getting it!

 

You don't have to do anything your not comfortable with, it's your body and your mouth. You should not be expected to give oral and guys that think that aren't worth your time.

 

Once you find the right guy who makes you feel comfortable you'll be more than happy to give oral and experiment with things.

 

Good luck and i hope it works out.

[lostandhurt]

Ditto on what Craig said. I cringe when I hear of what some guy has done to a woman. These were not men you were with, they had a penis but they were not men in any shape or form.

 

I actually can take it or leave it since my main focus with a woman is her pleasure. I come second (no pun intended) to her pleasure. That is just the way I am. If a guy thinks about it correctly and which I was taught many many years ago. If the women really enjoys herself each time you have sex she will want it more and more. Each woman I have had a relationship with couldn't keep their hands off me and initiated sex very often.

 

You need to feel like you are in control and that it is a choice, your choice. I have dated women that loved giving oral but a few did not like having my hand even resting on the back of their head. I wasn't forcing them, they just didn't like it because they wanted total control and just the touch back there made them feel like they weren't in control. If you never give oral the rest of your life that is perfectly okay because that is YOUR choice and it needs to be respected.

 

If this guy bails on you because you won't go down on him then good riddance. There are men out there that don't make it a requirement for their love that you give them oral. There are all kinds of other fun things to do in bed besides oral anyways

 

You are not broken, not all women give oral, not all men are like the jerks you have known and you never have to do anything you do not want to do.

 

Lost

[Unreasonable]

Yes, it's important to most men. Not generally as a sole act, but part of foreplay, and the occasional alternative to vaginal (and even anal!) sex (as a finisher, that is).

 

And a vast majority of men do not like it because they think its degrading. They like it because, well, it feels good. I would try to adjust your perception about that, because that is not the intent. God knows I love giving oral to a woman, because, guess what, it feels good to most of them too. And I want them to feel good. It's about them, because it feels good, and its about me, because I get aroused by making a woman feel good. Butt, hey, NOT all women like being gone down on, and that's okay!

 

That said, no one should pester you to do something you don't want to do. If it is important to him, and important that you not, chalk it up to incompatibility and move on.