how to recognise toxic relationships

[kitkat99]

After a recent break up I've been reevaluating some of my past relationships. Some of them were really toxic. During my last relationship I always had a nagging feeling that I was not treated right but could never quite pinpoint what it was. If I tried to adress an issue it was always me who was being too sensitive or imagining things. I was never physically abused but nevertheless I felt disrespected. I stayed with him because after a while I was truly convinced I was overreacting while feeling increasingly miserable. He was nice most (?) of the time which made it even harder to leave. How do I avoid falling in the same trap again?

 

Objectively speaking I know he acted like a jerk but I still feel like somehow it was my fault.

 

What are the most common red flags to look out for?

[Willywagtail]

The most common red flag to look for us within yourself.

 

Do you feel uncomfortable?

Is there something that is not quite right?

Do you feel compromised?

 

 

Listen to you. Your intuition knows so trust it.

[DoF]

This one is easy, and mistake that most people make.

 

You simply think with your heart first. Unfortunately the only part of your body that should be doing any thinking or decision making is your brain.

 

Don't worry, many people make a lot worst mistake and think with their private parts.

 

Think with your brain is your answer!

[TMifune]

The most common red flag to look for us within yourself.

 

Do you feel uncomfortable?

Is there something that is not quite right?

Do you feel compromised?

 

 

Listen to you. Your intuition knows so trust it.

 

Unless you suffer from anxiety and then your "gut" can and absolutely will mislead you.

[TMifune]

Does this person take responsibility for themselves and their actions?

 

To me that's sorta a big umbrella red-flag. Lots of stuff falls under it but watch for little ways someone tries to not be responsible for themselves. Blaming you for things they did? Pretending you're upset because they're upset. Projection, all that stuff.

[ParisPaulette]

*How do they treat and speak about others?" Huge, huge, huge potential red flag spotter right there. If they're rude to others or speak derogatorily about friends, family, coworkers all the time then watch out. It will be your turn sooner or later to be on the receiving end of that contempt/nastiness.

 

How long ago was their last serious relationship? If they were with someone for years and they're chasing you down for a serious relationship before even six months as a single girl or guy that's a red flag. Most people need more time than that to truly heal and often times the person is rushing to push for a serious relationship for all the wrong reasons.

 

They tell you stories better suited for a John Grisham novel, in fact they may very well have gotten their ideas from a John Grisham novel. This is the guy who brags about how he's with the CIA or has very high clearances or the woman who claims to be an undercover agent posing as a prostitute. And they're confiding in you, a near stranger, about these things. Never mind if it's all true they've just made themselves a target if you're the enemy or someone overhears them or it's a direct violation of the security codes they're trained in. Sounds too implausible to be true? Sounds like a Hollywood hero? Yeah, chances are not even close.

 

Are secretive about things most people want to let someone they like in on. This is the person who acts like his or her phone/car/house has bodies hidden in it. Who hems and haws or has some very weird explanation for why you can't meet them at their place/won't tell you where they work/won't introduce you to anyone in their social circles/family/work. In fact they often go hand in hand with the whole "I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you" crowd of the previous point. Usually it's someone else they're hiding or they don't want you showing up at their work one day to confront them on something.

 

Pushes to move in with you/asks to have access to your money or a place to live or some other gigantic favor while you're dating and haven't even made it to the one-year mark to really know who this person is.

 

Will turn on a dime in their moods and actions. It's fine for someone or upset over understandable things. I'm talking the guy or gal who goes from mellow and laughing to flat-out psychotic scary in 0 seconds. Beware of anyone who brags or tries to justify being like that as well.

 

Anyone who just makes you want to back up and put your back to the wall and you don't know why.

 

Anyone who starts in insisting you trust them, who talks a ton about trust and how you should trust them almost from the start. And yet they haven't done anything to earn that trust.

 

Those are a few of mine. Big with me is manners. The guy who didn't say thank you when someone handed him something, when the waiter did a small favor he'd asked, who walked out the door and didn't bother to hold it for that frail elderly woman coming in, who might cut me off midsentence to talk about himself yet again--yeah, he never got a second date with me. Run, don't walk for the exit. Bad manners, no manners, or an attitude everyone else owes you manners without repaying in turn, not good.

[Hermes]

Yes, Paulette.

"This is the guy who brags about how he's with the CIA or has very high clearances or the woman who claims to be an undercover agent posing as a prostitute."

 

"Who hems and haws or has some very weird explanation for why you can't meet them at their place/won't tell you where they work/won't introduce you to anyone in their social circles/family/work. In fact they often go hand in hand with the whole "I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you" crowd of the previous point. Usually it's someone else they're hiding or they don't want you showing up at their work one day to confront them on something."

 

"The Psychopath next Door" by Martha Stout.

 

Some revealing stuff here.

 

link removed

[reinventmyself]

This is a great topic but based on the OP experiences maybe a better way is to learn something's about herself rather than bullet points about others.

`water seeks it's own level' and if you want to know how emotionally healthy you are, take a look at the company you keep.

If we keep finding ourselves in toxic relationships we need to stop and take a look within.

Why are we attracted to these types?

Why are we attractive to them?

 

The more time you spend cultivating yourself , working on your own self esteem and awareness the better choices you make.

 

(wow. . listen to me today! lol)

[ParisPaulette]

And kitkat, you need to read up on the whole art of gaslighting as a psychological tool used by people to control and convince you it's all in your head. If you walk on eggshells, are told and worry you're "too sensitive" or "crazy" even then yep gaslighting is going on.

 

Good books to read on that topic are The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker and The Smart Girl's Guide to Self-Care by Shahida Arabi that can help you understand when, where and how you might be being manipulated and what to do about it.

 

Arm yourself with some information and it will help. Also, is there really a reason why we all think being cautious that other people may not have our best interests at heart and minding something someone else says or does are bad things? Paranoid and crazy, you're too jealous, don't be so sensitive are pretty much usually just said by the very people who want us to worry that somehow we're not normal when in reality nine times out of ten we know others' behaviors are the problem. The tenth person usually knows it too, but refuses to look at it.

 

if someone comes to your door late at night demanding to use your phone then starts to berate you for being paranoid and not trusting of them when you won't just open the door and let them in are you then going to cave and let them have access to your house, your family, your lives? Or will you recall the numerous times that ploy has been used by those intent on doing harm and say, "Nope, I don't know you. Let me call the police/ambulance/a cab for you, but you can't come inside since after all I care about my family and my safety too." You wouldn't think that was paranoid, but rather simply common sense. And it should be the same in relationships. Common sense should not take a backseat simply because someone calls you names and belittles your perceptions that what they are doing is wrong, because it hurts you.

 

Education is a key component here to help you know what red flags to spot and how to act on them.

[Hermes]

Precisely, Paulette.

 

".....you need to read up on the whole art of gaslighting as a psychological tool used by people to control and convince you it's all in your head. If you walk on eggshells, are told and worry you're "too sensitive" or "crazy" even then yep gaslighting is going on".