Trapped in my body. Reaching my breaking point.

[ThatOneGirl95]

Lately I've been feeling so alone. More alone and empty then ever before. Everyone is against me, I feel like the entire world is. I'm 20, and I have some anxiety issues. I have trouble forming relationships or friendships. Which is why I have none. Except the two friends that only like partying with me... I have trouble making conversation. It's like I can't think about what I want to say and sometimes I sound either stupid. I feel like a pariah at work. I serve at a resturaunt where everyone is like family and I've been there longer than some of them. Alost two years. And nobody even knows I exist. They'll tag every other coworker except me in posts about how loved they are and how they got to get together. I'm always just walking through....trying to be kind and friendly. But I'm the girl nobody wants to be around or tall to. I work with my boyfriend who is the opposite of me. Beloved by everyone. He is charismatic and funny and talented and the most "real" guy. Yet I know he's a bullter, because when he's around me he treats me like I disgust him. Things are ending with him. I keep breaking down though. I keep losing sleep everynight. I know, he'll ruin my name at work. Tell them bull about me because he is just that. A bullter and manipulator. My anxiety and depression makes me feel incapable of working anywhere else or changing jobs. I already force back tears daily. At work. At home. In public. He's made me feel so small and I've made myself feel pathetic . I am st the point where I hate who I am and there is no hope for me. I will never fit in anywhere. I was alone and hated in school. I thought I changed for the better. But I'm alone and just tolerated now.... I'm always going to be alone. I was up all night last night thinking about what to say to my boyfriend....but he's going to turn everything on me. I am nervous. I am also scared of losing the one person who makes me occasionally feel happy. I thought he loved me for who I am, but he's fallen out of love with me and somehow has convinced me that I've gone crazy and it's my fault..... my ex and I have remained friends. Not even friends but we talk. He is the only person that cares about me unconditionally and always is there to listen. I never see him and I have to romantic feelings for him. But he found out we talk sometimes. Now everyone thinks I'm also a two timer. They all feel bad for him. All this bull has completely worn me down. I just needed to vent. I just don't know what I'm worth right now. I feel worthless.

[Moontiger]

Hey, big big BIG hugs. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain. The first thing I want tell you is that you are worth love, respect, and dignity. This ASSHAT of a guy has destroyed your self-eesteme.

 

It sounds like you may have some sort of underlying psychological condition related to social anxiety. So, here is my advice: Step 1: Dump the asshat, he is not even a shiny piece of dog mess, he is the diherrea dog mess. Step 2: Got see a psycologist and explain your social issues. They will be able to help you work though everything.

 

Therapy was the very best decision I ever made.

[catfeeder]

You can serve tables anywhere, so why keep yourself stuck in this one situation that gaslights you into believing that you couldn't be happier anywhere else?

 

When you're in hell, don't stay.

[ThatOneGirl95]

I've been considering therapy. I've just been hesitant because I can't imagine there is anything a therapist can do or say to make it easier for me to socialize. I just feel like a lost cause. Like a therapist wouldnt want to hear about how pathetic I am for not being outgoing. I mean maybe it's deeper than that I just feel like I should have more control over it. I just hate feeling this miserable.

[Hermes]

TOG.

 

It is the therapist's job and profession to hear about anything you wish to tell him or her, and to then help you with your problems. And nothing will happen overnight either. It will be a process. Go for it.

[catfeeder]

I've been considering therapy. I've just been hesitant because I can't imagine there is anything a therapist can do or say to make it easier for me to socialize. I just feel like a lost cause. Like a therapist wouldnt want to hear about how pathetic I am for not being outgoing. I mean maybe it's deeper than that I just feel like I should have more control over it. I just hate feeling this miserable.

 

Pursue the therapy. You're imposing inaccurate ideas about therapy on yourself and a therapist you haven't even met. You need to start somewhere, so why not hire an expert to help you plot a course and to navigate it without using your own intelligence against yourself?

 

Do the work. You'll thank yourself later.