Defeated

[ajhurst210]

I've spent the last few months of my life mulling over all the why's and how's of my break up. I've screamed and cried and whined and begged. I've shook my fist at the world time and time again hollering about injustice and what's fair and what's not.

 

I've sunk to depths I didn't even know I could sink to or even existed for me...

 

I've asked all the questions I can ask, cried all the tears I can cry, drank all the alcohol I can drink... and the fact still remains the same... that she's gone. She's gone. And my time with her is over. No matter how much I feel like it was an injustice to me, how much I disagreed with her decisions, how much it hurt me that she could be so cold and calloused, how much I THOUGHT it would be forever... no matter if she wouldn't have gotten into a new relationship so quickly... at the end of the road, the outcome will always be two separate ways... with me going down one, and her going down another. And down her road, on her side, all her actions and words and decisions are all justified in some way. Everyone plays the victim at the end of a relationship and reaches their own clarity and conclusions.. but truth is… It’s all relative. And what happens was always meant to happen… whether with a knife in the back or a handshake…

 

I am powerless to change even

 

One.

Single.

Thing.

 

All that's left to figure out now, the question I keep coming back to, the only question that even matters anymore... Is what the hell do I do now? Because I feel lost now.

 

We all strive for different things in life. We all live for different reasons. Some of us live to have a great career. Some of us live to serve our country. Some of us live to have fun, to be rich, to see the world, to be famous, to make a difference, to be beautiful...

 

From as far back as I can remember. I've lived my life to find love. To find my partner in life and have that quiet little house with the white picket fence and a few kids playing in the yard. It's all I've ever wanted. Maybe sometimes, I want it too much.

 

From way back in middle school when I was shoving cheesy secret admirer notes in my first crushes' locker after school and watching her read them in class the next day with a grin on her face... to now... I've always been a hopeless romantic. Always worn my heart on my sleeve.

 

It's gotten me into a lot of trouble over the years. It's made me stay in bad relationships longer than I should've. It's made me bitter and made me grateful. Made me angry and made me over the moon happy. Made me cautious and made me a daredevil. It's broken my heart and healed it over and over again.

 

I haven't always been the perfect person. I've broken hearts myself. I've said terrible things. I've made mistakes and let people down. I have my vices and I have my virtues. But I've always tried to be a good person. To care about others. To be selfless and kind. To give my heart fully to the ones I love.

 

Finding that someone can be such a confusing thing. You can think you've done it at times and that the search is over... but then you can blink your eyes and suddenly you're looking down at a table set for one instead of two. But that's the risk you take.

 

I've said "never again" and "I'm done with love" so many times in my life it's ridiculous. But I'll never be done. I'll never stop looking. And I'll never stop living for what I've spent over half my life living for. And hopefully one day, the ends will justify the means.

 

Until then, I don't really know what to do to fill this void. A person walks away from something like this just utterly defeated. I've joined a gym, thrown all my alcohol away, I'm trying to get a second job to fill all my empty time so I can't just sit around feeling sorry for myself anymore, I'm finally seeing a counselor to try and iron out all the wrinkles this left me with.

 

But there's that sinking feeling in me that knows that I can get as ripped as I want, get as much money as I want, stay as busy as I want, talk about my problems with a professional as much as I want... but there will still always be that piece of me missing. I'll never be fully fulfilled in life until I find that person I'm going to spend it with.

 

And maybe that's a risky way to live... To put all your eggs in one basket so to speak and rely on something as fragile as love for your fullfilment in life. Because let's face it, it IS fragile, that's why so many of us are on here isn't it?...But I can't change that about me. It's hard coded into me as the person that I am. And maybe that's why all of this has taken so much out of me. Because I put so much of myself into it. Probably too much.

 

Maybe I'll learn to balance that out one day, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll meet the woman of my dreams or maybe I'll die alone. Maybe I'll never find someone like her again and she will have been the love of my life...

 

I don't know. I can't know.

 

All I can do is keep moving forward, learn from my experiences, try to better myself... and look for the light at the end of the tunnel. Nothing in this life is guaranteed, I'm not by some force of law, required to be given true love just because I want it... I have to accept that and just wait and hope that through all the heartaches in my life... I will have earned it one day.

[SouthWestTrain]

You don't sound very defeated to me.

 

Some say it's an absolute nightmare getting back on the dating scene - all those failed dates, being stood up, having to tell someone you like them you just don't fancy them, the game playing text messages, the friends who try to set you up with their only single friend when it's clear to everyone really why he's still single...

 

But I think that getting back out there is a world of opportunity! Meeting new people, learning about their interests, debates even arguments!, that sizzling sexual chemistry that you can never re-create. And with every relationship you've had you will have learned something to take on to the next. You will have grown as a person and you're ability to understand your own needs as well as the needs of other people will have only strengthened. In theory, it should be easier to find a new special someone and until that moment comes - and it WILL come, no doubt about it - ENJOY every moment of meeting new people. Don't label them MY FUTURE WIFE the second you meet them. Just enjoy getting to them and enjoy teaching them about you.

 

Your post is so eloquent, so wonderfully sensitive - you can articulate your emotions so clearly and you're looking realistically at the future ahead. You're filling your time constructively to keep yourself busy and you're going to counselling so you can admit that you need the advice and support of someone else! The fact that you spend your post talking about YOU and your feelings and not her shows how far you've come. KEEP GOING!

[Clinton]

Two things: you can ALWAYS drink more alcohol. It's gods gift to humanity. As Homer so eloquently said, it the cause of and solution to all of life's problems.

 

And healing is a marathon not a sprint

It takes time and there are no shortcuts. So do your time and then get back out there.

 

If finding a life partner was easy, enotalone would be out of business

[divorceddad]

Wow, you wrote exactly how I feel/have felt/am feeling. I just went through a divorce and literally everything you wrote is me. I wear my heart on my sleeve, constantly wonder why things happened and continue to wonder what I am going to do. Then throw in that we have a 3yo daughter in the mix and that makes it even harder. I feel for you, I do and I can't offer any advice because I am looking for the same things that you are. Best to you.

[shelby6811]

Your post is so articulate. I think it says much of what people are thinking but perhaps they are unwilling or unable to say it so well. I know people say this all the time, but I do actually know exactly what you mean. You are in good company. Don't ever feel like you need to apologize for being you, for being a believer in love. It's what keeps us innocent and hoping.

 

I believe you will find her.

[OneForTheRoad]

Like others, I can relate to your writing very much. It looks like you've got your thoughts together well and you have plenty of resolve.

Good luck.

[Dcgent]

well written post. It does sound like you are in some deep pain and searching deep to find meaning in things right now. I am not sure of your age, but I think one thing you have to keep in mind is that "all will be alright now and in the future" and if you don't find the love of your life...make peace with that. Sometimes love springs up in the most unusual of places, especially when you are not looking for it. It is sort of like when you misplace something, you are so determined to find it that you totally miss where it is...then you find that item when you least expect it. At one point, I made peace with the fact I might not find the woman in my life to compliment my life and future...then she appeared one day. I would have been totally content going through life as a bachelor, because after all, i only have one life to live. Just enjoy life...fill it with the good time and the bad to fill your life. You will grow through all those times. Don't regret, but learn from your mistakes. Be happy with yourself and just know that everything will work out...

[ajhurst210]

Thank you everyone. This place has been my backbone a lot through all of this. My place to vent over and over again after I've exhausted all my friends and family with my feelings. And my heart goes out to every single person on here. Whether they're going through something similar now, or have once or twice before.

 

I'm not going to pretend that I've gained full clarity and closure and that I know how I should feel about everything now and will stick to that mindset from here on out. Or that I'm not going to ever be depressed, sad, or lonely ever again over this. Because I know I'm still going to, my heart still hurts immensely. I still think about it constantly and still hate her, love her, and miss her very much.

 

But I'm starting to realize something that I always knew from day one of the break up but was just too scared to face... that I have to move on. I've been so preoccupied with how wronged I was by this woman, both during and after our relationship that I've masked the truth and prolonged my own healing. I'm throwing out an anchor on my own life... she's no longer the one breaking my heart... I am. She broke my heart once and then moved on. Everything afterwards has been on me. I keep putting her on a pedestal or trying to knock her off one when all I should be worrying about is climbing back up onto my own.

 

I'm not going to feel ashamed for taking a long time to move on though. Being dumped and hurt by someone you love is a deeply traumatic experience, one that I hope never to feel again. Maybe I need all this time to punish myself so I can learn the most from it and how to prevent it from ever happening again. Maybe I'm just not as emotionally strong as most people. But I can't be ashamed of the pain and the anger and the hurt or any of the actions I've done while dealing with it.... because if I can feel this horrible about something, that means I felt it to its full extent right. I took the dive, I took the chance, I opened up my heart and my mind to love and it may have burned me, may have cut me deeper than I've ever been cut. But at least I can say that I DID truly let myself love someone once. And that's gotta count for something.

 

All I can do is hope life lets me feel that again some day and doesn't take it away from me next time. Hope that somewhere out there is the woman I was always meant to find...

 

I'm not happy about being 30 and single again. Not happy about not being married by now or starting a family. It's not where I thought I'd be at this point in my life. But again, what can I do about it? What can I change? Nothing. I can only start walking forward...

 

I am a defeated man. Beaten down and simply exhausted from carrying the weight of his own heart. But everyone gets defeated...sooner or later... and it's always when they're feeling untouchable and on top of the world that they fall the hardest. I'm not ready to throw in the towel though. I almost did. I've almost let this thing beat me... But I still want that future for me. I just have to erase the canvas that I painted it on with her and start over again... sucks and hurts... but such is life.

[chram]

it's always when they're feeling untouchable and on top of the world that they fall the hardest.

 

Your post resonated with me as well, especially the part I quoted. My heart goes out to you and everyone who's dealing with similar situations.

 

I'm sure you know this already but we can't reason with emotions, whether it's our own or someone else's. Getting back up is always tough, and you really don't have to be strong all the time. Let yourself feel the pain and sadness, it really is okay.

 

Best of luck on your journey back to the top.