Need advice on helping a friend get through breakup

[brigirl92]

I will try to make this as concise as I can so this won't be a super long post. My best friend and her boyfriend recently broke up. They were together for a year and had recently decided to move to the same state together, as they were in a long distance relationship. My best friend even had a job lined up and an apartment, which his parents cosigned on. This was thought out for a while obviously.

 

Last minute, as in a week prior to her making the move she decides not to move. Her family convinced her to not move and instead come home. Her family has always been a common denominator when it came with issues in her relationship due to cultural differences between her family and boyfriend. It's been extremely toxic for her relationship and well being. My friend is in her 20s and her family has done things like put trackers on her phone, make unexpected 16 hour drives to her place, leave her on the highway, etc. As you can see not good things. But anywho her family convinced her to drop her job offer, apartment, and move home.

 

Her ex couldn't take the drama anymore, and this was the last straw so he ended the relationship with her. I can understand why. If you plan on moving with someone and they change their mind at a drop of a dime that is alarming. Any sane person wouldn't want to deal with it anymore.

 

But any who now she spends most of her time trying to convince me that he never truly loved her cause if he did he would have been willing to make the sacrifice of staying with her even though she suddenly decided to move back home which is 16 hours away. Furthermore, back home is with her overbearing family that never really liked him in the first place. She's always telling me how he's self centered and narcissistic, among other things.

 

I'm never the type of person who sides with a friend simply because we're friends. I'm going to look at things objectively and not be bias about things.

 

It's just hard to be objective here cause whenever I try to redirect her from bashing her ex she doesn't want to hear it. She wants to pin it all on him for why their relationship failed when both of them should hold themselves accountable.

 

How do I approach her in this situation without seeming insensitive or crass? I try to be gentle with the topic cause at the end of the day breakups suck. But on the other hand she needs to take responsibility also and quit blaming everything on him. She doesn't want to see that she hand a hand in how things ended and she needs to see that in order to grow and move forward.

[Hermes]

Making it brief Brigirl.

 

This is not your job. You'll get caught in crossfire at some stage.

 

Your friend could be advised to seek counselling/support from an objective third party.

[mhowe]

You let her vent. It isn't your place to teach her anything. You don't have to agree, you don't have to bash him...but you aren't going to make her nor her dysfunctional family take any responsibility.

[brigirl92]

Making it brief Brigirl.

 

This is not your job. You'll get caught in crossfire at some stage.

 

Your friend could be advised to seek counselling/support from an objective third party.

She goes to counseling actually. I try not to get in the middle of it, it's just that she brings it up quite a bit when we talk. I just try to say things like "focus on yourself and not him while you heal" or the like. I know it's not my job, it just hard to step away and allow her to figure things out on her own. Sigh.

[brigirl92]

You let her vent. It isn't your place to teach her anything. You don't have to agree, you don't have to bash him...but you aren't going to make her nor her dysfunctional family take any responsibility.

I know it's not my place to teach her anything, but at the same time I feel like my silence is compliance. If I just kind of brush it over with her everytime she decides to bash him it can be implied that I agree when I don't. I'm not trying to force her to take responsibility, but encourage her to see it another way. I can't make her do anything as she is her own person, but I recognize how her obsessing over his flaws is counterproductive to her moving on.

[Hermes]

Bri. All you can do is provide a "listening ear", and keep your responses non-committal. Believe being a "listening ear" can prove tiring, as you will discover.

 

You could ask her what does her counsellor say to her when she brings up "bashing" remarks during sessions. Keep deflecting all remarks towards "what does the counsellor say to that".

[TMifune]

You let her vent. It isn't your place to teach her anything. You don't have to agree, you don't have to bash him...but you aren't going to make her nor her dysfunctional family take any responsibility.

 

I agree. Support her by listening to her. Support her by distracting her. Don't be part of her internal debates about whether or not he loved her.

[mhowe]

Yes, but....

 

Silence isn't compliance. You aren't her therapist and her healing will or won't happen whether you guide her or not. If you don't want to hear it, change the subject.

[brigirl92]

Yes, but....

 

Silence isn't compliance. You aren't her therapist and her healing will or won't happen whether you guide her or not. If you don't want to hear it, change the subject.

I try to change the subject all the time and trust me that doesn't even work. She's like a dog on a bone with this situation. She literally texted me earlier today screenshots of several pages from a book she bought that talks about narcissists and I have yet to reply cause I honestly don't know how.

 

I feel like a super rude friend if I use the other option which is ignoring her...but she's obviously not willing to take responsibility nor is it my job or desire to force her to see otherwise. It's just exhausting hearing about it and not knowing what to do or say.

[mhowe]

Don't reply. You don't have to engage in a conversation if you don't want.

 

If she calls to say --- you didn't text me back, tell her ---"I have lost interest in the subject matter"