My soon-to-be husband and his past "crush"

[Dmh88]

My soon-to-be husband in one month is one of those extremely nice guys. He always had a lot of "girl-friends" in high school because of his sweet demeanor. He's also stayed friends with girls he had flings with long ago because of that too. Most of these women are now married with families of their own. I feel lucky to have him, but like any woman I get that jealous, sick to my stomach feeling when I know he's come in contact with them. One of his past crushes who he has told me meant a lot to him because she was there for him when he was really sick (he's chronically ill) is named "qt" in his phone. Way back when we first started dating I asked who it was and he said "it's one of my girl friends from high school. I used to like her a long time ago, but we never dated we just were friends. I've just always called her that." I didn't think too much of it. I knew he loved me. Well tonight he txt her since our wedding invites went out (she lives on the other side of the country) just to see if she plans on coming to our big day. I knew they were txting for quite a while. Then, when he went to sleep, I got the urge to read them, which I never do. There was nothing said inappropriate. For the most part, they talked about his illness because her now husband has the same disease. But there was a part they talked about past memories and who they still keep in touch from high school. At one point my fiancé said "I had a crush on you for the longest time...I thought you were the most gorgeous girl back then! But we became the best of friends." It bothered me. After that, nothing else was said. But, it just really bothered me. So now I'm laying on the couch a 2am crying. Is it dumb? Probably. I am on my period, lol. I want to say something to him but I don't want to start a useless fight. I'm sure he won't appreciate that I went through his phone. I too have guy friends who pull the occasional "remember when" txt. It doesn't mean I have feelings for them, but they are memories that still make me smile (as I'm sure my fiancées does too.) But I guess what bothers me is, we are getting married. Time to cut those ties, put her name in your phone instead of "qt." Please tell me I'm overreacting. And if I'm not, how do I even bring this up?

[missmarple]

I agree with putting her name in his phone instead of 'qt' and I would have told him so from the very first time I saw it. I don't know why you're wondering about how to bring it up...you're getting married to this guy..you should be able to talk about anything!

[Willywagtail]

I think you're overreacting. What are you afraid of?

 

He's with you. You're getting married. She's married too. They communicate by text occasionally and there is great fondness between them.

 

Why should he cut his ties with someone he cares about because you're feeling insecure? I reminisce with my ex about how we met and how we felt. I still care about him very much. However, he is a good friend, I don't want to have sex with him and certainly don't want to be in a relationship with him. Can't you accept that people can still care for each other?

 

Surely his ability to 'care' makes him a better person for you as his future wife? Knowing that he has the capacity to nurture friendships with people that have been important inhis life.....

 

I ask again, what are you afraid of? If you can answer this, you'll be closer to feeling comfortable with your husband to be.

[Dmh88]

I'm really not afraid of anything. It's more of a respect thing. I guess it's something I wouldn't have said to someone I once dated or wanted to date, so it was just hurtful in that sense. Two years before I met him, I ended a 5 year relationship. If there's anything I guess I could be afraid of it might stem from my ex. He had the "girl best friend" that I knew inside was more. Ultimately I found out he was cheating on me with her on and off. Maybe, it stems from that even though I know my fiancé wouldn't cheat.

[greta96]

You are way overreacting, and you are letting your past experience interfere with your current situation and make you very insecure. I don't see him still having her as "qt" in his phone as disrespectful to you, if this is what he used to always call her, why change it now? It's become her nickname, and it would be silly to change it just because you want to. And even if he was to change it, would it REALLY make you feel better? Because hopefully you realize he wouldn't be changing the feeling he has for her, and those are what matter most, if he was the type to cheat. So I really don't understand what you hope to accomplish by talking to him about it. What I think you will accomplish instead is make him wonder whether marrying you is indeed the best thing to do, after all if you're overreacting to something so insignificant and if you're that insecure, does it mean that once you become his wife he will have to deal with all this x 10?

Think long and hard before you act, life is full of challenges and you have to pick your battles carefully, and this just doesn't sound like a battle worth fighting.

[Snny]

My soon-to-be husband in one month is one of those extremely nice guys. He always had a lot of "girl-friends" in high school because of his sweet demeanor.

Translation: he's a total tool. Is that what you are really saying about him?

 

Well tonight he txt her since our wedding invites went out (she lives on the other side of the country) just to see if she plans on coming to our big day.

What she given an invitation? When are RSVP deadlines?

 

At one point my fiancé said "I had a crush on you for the longest time...I thought you were the most gorgeous girl back then! But we became the best of friends." It bothered me.

It should not bother you. He was talking about his past feelings for her. He is not acting upon them and she is married. He is with you and moving on with his life WITH YOU. Does that not mean anything?

 

Don't make it a bigger issue than what it actually is.

 

I want to say something to him but I don't want to start a useless fight. I'm sure he won't appreciate that I went through his phone.

Right, and what would you tell him? That you didn't trust him and read his private messages between him and friends? I'm sure that would go so well!

 

But I guess what bothers me is, we are getting married. Time to cut those ties, put her name in your phone instead of "qt." Please tell me I'm overreacting.

You are. Just because you are married doesn't mean you cut your friends. And you have NO RIGHT to pick his friends or you become the enemy. And it's a S'y situation to be put in the middle between your SO/spouse an your friends because of one side's insecurities.

 

Yes there are boundaries to be established in any relationship. As long as he is not climbing into an emotional affair and continuously talk to her u stead of talking to you, then there is NO ISSUES. This is on you to handle your own jealousy and insecurity.

[ParisPaulette]

I think this is an overreaction. He was simply walking down memory lane with her. Normally I'm Ms. Suspicious having gone through something where a guy I was dating was texting inappropriately with a so-called ex/friend of the female persuasion, but I really don't see anything at all off or out of line here. Not even close.

 

I do think you need to sit him down and talk about boundaries and your fears and do this NOW before you're married or it will get worse, not better. Whatever problems you have before marriage you can triple or more and that's what you will have. It sounds like maybe you have more of a fear of him maintaining boundaries with women than anything else and again this needs to be brought up now, not after you're married.

 

And please address it now. That will sit under your skin and come out in the worst of ways at the worst of times too. Just you do not want your special day ruined, because you're busy looking for things to be there that aren't and are upset if she does come. Please don't do that to either of you.

 

If he loves you and you love him this needs to be settled now. Before my current husband and I married, we each made a list of our fears and the things that we had run into in past relationships that had sabotaged those relationships, either through our actions or others. We then exchanged the lists and talked for a week solid about each of these issues, how we would handle them, how we would address them as a team together, and what was acceptable or wasn't. And when we married it was with a clean head and heart for each of us. And it's been good ever since.

 

Suggest you maybe try something like that or even just talk to him about your fears. And yes, get that whole looking at his phone thing out in the open right now. That's a horrible habit to get into and I do not advocate it, because it usually spells the end/death of a relationship when you get to the point of mistrust that you have to go through someone's phone. Either that means they are indeed cheating and you know it and you are just gathering the information to leave/file for the divorce OR you're being insecure and again need to address and fix that before proceeding any further.

 

In your case this is the second one. That comment is not at all out of line, he simply said what he felt about her at the time a long time ago.

[catfeeder]

Sounds like you're just feeling hissy and looking for something to fight about. You snooped and found something that's a real stretch to get upset about, but you're using it anyway to make yourself miserable.

 

If you want to reveal your lack of trust, which lead to an invasion of his privacy and your capacity to turn a molehill into a landmine to blow yourself up with, then do that. You'd giving him the opportunity to reconsider marrying someone who would do this.

[crowleysgirl]

I don't know... I mean, I honestly think it was kind of inappropriate to bring up that he used to have a crush on when just starting a new relationship with you. TMI. But that mistake was already made and obviously it wasn't enough for you to lose interest in him then. I do think you are overreacting. He clearly isn't cheating. Although I am one of those people who has no interest in discussing memories with someone who things didn't work out with. Its just pointless and goofy in my opinion. And keeping her name as qt is dumb. Its not a nickname, its a pet name. But either way, you really can't bring this stuff up now without revealing that you were going through his phone, which you shouldn't have done.

[Dmh88]

Thanks everyone for the posts. I woke up in the morning with a clearer mind. I don't really feel the need to say anytbing. Obviously, it bothers me a little. But, I need to pick my battles. He's an incredible person and the sweetest guy and I know he said those things because it's just who is he is. I do trust him, so I've decided to not say anything. As far as the name thing goes, I do believe he should change it but I'm not going to bring it up until I see a txt from her come through (which is rare. They talk every once in a great while.) maybe I'll just say "hey, don't you think it's a little inappropriate now that we are married to have that? I get it's what you've always called her, but how would you feel if I had a pet name for a guy friend?" Or something along those lines. Until then, I'll just drop it.

[starbar]

I think there are some red flags here. You two are about to be married and he has a lot of female friends who he has history with who he is still close to and that would be a big deal for me. When you are married, life has a way of crapping all over you sometimes, one of you could lose your job, financial issues a relative could die, you two will have ups and downs and plenty of hardship along the way.. when this happens I turn to my family or girl friends who I can lean on for emotional support.. he has all these females, past crushes, flings, exes to turn to.. ever heard of emotional affairs??

 

I really think you should set some major boundaries now. Sometimes being too much of a "nice" guy is not a good thing at all. It isn't even about trust. You could trust him with all your heart but there is no guarantee those past feelings wont come back if your marriage hits a rough patch and he turns to miss qt for support..