Palicya Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I've been talking to this guy online for awhile now, and about a month or so back he offered for me to come and live with him and even booked a flight for me to come, a day before the flight I sent him an e-mail with some silly excuse, and he's really smart so he saw right through it and went on to say he regretted trusting me with the money he spent on the flight [he got his money back and cancelled the flight, which I am happy about]. I didn't want the relationship to end, but given the response he gave me it is pretty much over. I feel really bad [he was really looking forward to me coming] and I really liked him but I was just really scared about going there because I would have to leave my friends, and I'm a relatively quiet and reserved person and it's very difficult for me to make friends, not to mention he lives a fair distance away from me and I wouldn't be able to afford to see my family often. I would imagine he's very sad and upset, and I just feel terrible.. I'm afraid to send another email or anything because I'm afraid of the response. I'm also really sad and I've been crying a fair bit, I don't know what to do I just feel terrible.. Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I imagine he never believe for a minute you would show up. Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 OP, How long did you know him before he offered for you to come live with him? If it was less than a half a year and you have never had real life interfaces then I think you made the right decision. You need to know someone extremely well and know what they are about in *real life* (which is the ONLY way you will know you are compatible). I'm not sure is reaction is all the great either, but I'm sure others will pipe in on this point. The whole thing sounds rushed to me. You intuition was probably screaming at you which brought you to your conclusion. Link to comment
Palicya Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 OP, How long did you know him before he offered for you to come live with him? If it was less than a half a year and you have never had real life interfaces then I think you made the right decision. You need to know someone extremely well and know what they are about in *real life* (which is the ONLY way you will know you are compatible). I'm not sure is reaction is all the great either, but I'm sure others will pipe in on this point. The whole thing sounds rushed to me. You intuition was probably screaming at you which brought you to your conclusion. Well, I'd known him since about the beginning of this year but he'd never displayed any romantic interest in me until about a month ago, and we'd only just started talking on Skype less than a month ago. He come on to me really strong and it sort of psyched me out. And about a day after I'd given him my Skype is when he made the offer for me to come and visit/live with him. Link to comment
WithLove Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 ^ What part of this sounded reasonable with you?? Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Visiting him and living with him are two entirely different things. How old are you....how old is he? Link to comment
Palicya Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 Visiting him and living with him are two entirely different things. How old are you....how old is he? At first he invited me to visit him, and then he basically changed his offer and said I should come live with him and he made the plane ticket he bought one-way and told me I could go back whenever I wanted, I am 18 and he's turning 26 really soon Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Well, I'd known him since about the beginning of this year but he'd never displayed any romantic interest in me until about a month ago, and we'd only just started talking on Skype less than a month ago. He come on to me really strong and it sort of psyched me out. And about a day after I'd given him my Skype is when he made the offer for me to come and visit/live with him. Sounds squirrely to me. I don't think he has good intent. No-one goes from 0 to 60 mph that quickly without having some hidden agenda or some type of disorder. Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 The chance of you being forced into prostition was very significant. I think you should leave on line dating to others. Link to comment
Palicya Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 ^ What part of this sounded reasonable with you?? Tbh none of it did, but I really liked him Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 The chance of you being forced into prostition was very significant. I think you should leave on line dating to others. Yeah I was thinking that as well. Or some other type of hidden agenda. Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Tbh none of it did, but I really liked him I think you dodged a serious bullet. Thank God for your intuition. Link to comment
crowleysgirl Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Yeah, I don't think you should send him any further emails Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Visiting fine, but you've known this guy less than 7 months online if you've just been communicating since the first of the year. And then at the 6-month mark it turned into a romance at which point he basically strong-armed you to come live with him???? I would have said you were crazy for going, not for canceling. Good for you. The harsh fact is you don't know this guy, you don't really know what he's like in the day-to-day how does he relate to and treat people, is what he tells you the absolute truth or is it all made up, what might he be leaving out that you'd consider important? Based on my own experiences you were both a bit nuts to even have contemplated this. And he should know better than to rush some girl he barely knows into moving in with him. And why is he that desperate in the first place? No insult to you, but that's a huge step and it's not one someone should just up and do on a whim. I had an LDR for a year before the guy talked me into hopping a plane to come live with him. Unlike you I didn't listen to the little voice in the back of my head and it turned out there was just an iceberg of things he "forgot" to tell me like being an addict and alcoholic and it just went downhill from there. Three weeks later I was on another plane away from him as fast as I could go. All I can say is thank god I didn't end up a statistic on a milk carton at least, because yeah things got almost that crazy at one point when I found out he'd cheated a drug dealer out of some money and packing to basically be able to fight if they came around asking for their money. In the years since I just shake my head that little old innocent me went willingly to something that was well over my head. And yes, I then had to start over having given up a great apartment. Thank goodness my old job took me back though. Stop feeling bad about hurting someone you really don't know beyond what he lets you see via a keyboard and start focusing on why you'd let someone push you to actually agree to something your gut was telling you was off all along. A visit I get, but to move in and live with? No, just no. You dodged a bullet, a big one. Maybe log offline and get involved in the world you have in front of you. At least there you hopefully pick up on any red flags, but yes generally when they push you like that it's for their own benefit not yours. And he got his money back, so nope he doesn't get to pout about it. If it were that important most guys would've just arranged to come see you for a visit. Not insisted you had to come move in with them. Moving in with anyone before you've seen them day in day out and known them for at least a year is just crazy in my books. It very seldom works out any more than those quickie Vegas marriages, because you're going to live with someone you barely even know. Lesson learned and take a giant, giant, GIANT step back from this one. Link to comment
Palicya Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 I guess you're right, I only feel so bad because he seemed so excited that he thought I was coming in the first place, and he even did a few things irl to prepare for me coming I just wish I could have told him earlier that I wouldn't be able to come so if it didn't have to go that far. Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I guess you're right, I only feel so bad because he seemed so excited that he thought I was coming in the first place, and he even did a few things irl to prepare for me coming I just wish I could have told him earlier that I wouldn't be able to come so if it didn't have to go that far. I wouldn't sweat all that. Better late than never. You need to think about yourself first. He'll get over it. (If there was truly anything he had to get over) Link to comment
greta96 Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I think you saved yourself from a horrible fate. You just can't go live with someone you've never met in person, and who you just met online 7 months ago! I don't believe for a second that this guy had good intentions, so you dodged a massive bullet here. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Don't worry, he'll "meet" another young woman online and try to get her to move in with him in like 5 minutes. I doubt you're the first one he's tried this with. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 There will always be people who will attempt to get you to do things for their own benefit then make you feel bad when you say no. Learn to say no louder and faster and firmer. Or you are going to end up in a very bad situ or two with someone with less than good intentions. Read Gavin de Becker's book "The Gift of Fear" then analyze what tipped you off that this might not be the best of ideas. You'll be surprised and then you'll see it. Link to comment
winniethepooh Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 I feel really bad I'm also really sad and I've been crying a fair bit, I don't know what to do I just feel terrible.. Those are feelings you must ignore otherwise they will trick you and led you into a bad situation ... He come on to me really strong and it sort of psyched me out. Those are feelings you should have listened to in the first place ... I don't know if the guy is bad news or not. Chances are, given that he paid for your ticket, he's not bad news in the way you might think (as in someone who will kidnap you and sell you off as a sex slave), or a player who makes a habit of buying tickets for girls to come and sleep with him. In those situations, at least from what I know of it happening in countries where I've lived, the guy either manipulates you into paying for your own ticket, or offers you a legitimate sounding job (and manipulates you into paying for your own ticket also). There are a lot of men online who are genuine in their intentions with a situation like this, but it's not easy to know who anyone really is online. It's difficult enough in the real world also. However, flying to another country to live with someone you had never met is still a risky thing to do from the perspective that no matter how well you think you know him from online, you don't know him in real life. You are either coming out of the rabbit hole or going down the rabbit hole. It's a different world. Staying with someone for a few days while you're visiting or getting yourself set up in a new country is less risky and with websites like couchsurfing, people are doing that more and more, and relatively safely. At least my experiences have been such that I think it's safe enough from extreme events. It's not safe from the more normal things you have to watch out for when dating, which boil down to men wanting women just for sex, and women wanting men just for money, but that's the same as it always has been. I went online dating and chatted to girls in different countries. At first I made a couple of really good connections, and I even flew to another country to meet one. I would never go so far as to set up a living together arrangement with someone unless I had already met them in real life, and spent a bit of time with them as in together 24/7 for a while, not just a couple of dates. One benefit with online dating of someone in another country is that you can focus on good communication, however that can also be a trap, especially if the person you think you are talking to is actually someone else. At least with Skype you can see who you are talking to. But I think it is important to meet someone in real life before starting a relationship, not after. So for me, any overseas connections are nothing more than a friendly connection until we meet. Maybe you're in a situation where it makes more sense to fly to another country and start a new life with a guy who's willing to buy you a plane ticket. It happens, and it can and does work, but it also fails. Whether the failure rate is any higher or lower than offline relationships I don't know. But like any relationship, I think good communication is key. Don't pretend the relationship is something it's not. Why is he online looking for girls in another country and not offline meeting girls where he is? Why are you online looking for boys to buy you a plane ticket somewhere and not offline meeting boys where you live? And most importantly, if you think you're in a situation where flying to a man in another country is good news, do it with your eyes open. Talk to many other men on the same website (or different ones) so that any natural desire from you to be devoted to one of them is diluted, at least until you learn to listen to your early feelings, not your guilty feelings in the aftermath if things go sour. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.